Triggers
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Triggers
Something that I'm noticing with myself is triggers. It's been 3 years now since my whole world fell apart. The last few weeks I've been fighting a funk. At first I thought it was because of being sick again and some stressful things going on, but now I realized yesterday that I've been fighting a trigger.
Halloween is a trigger for me. Mike and I met on Halloween 16 years ago. We decided to get married around this time and in the end, my life with Mike ended with him during this time. It was the darkest days of my life.
Sub consciously, I must have been trying to avoid the holiday all togeather. I didn't even realize it was Halloween until about 10pm last night. I know I've been on total edge, waiting for a shoe to drop edge. For the last few days I've been scraping wall paper from walls, painting with a vengence and just going non stop even though every bone in my body aches. I'm really really tired yet something just pushes and pushes for me to do more and more. I'm almost in a panic.
Last night, I realized I had been triggered and didn't even know it until it was too late.
Jerry has been in a funk over his son, I've had this nasty flu sinse August, yet I felt compelled to be strong for him. Well my daughter went to Florida for a week and I saw this a the perfect time to paint her room and our living room while she was gone so that she wouldn't be exposed to the fumes (she's pregnant). Her room has 4 layers of wallpaper on it that some dates back to 1929. Stuck like glue doesn't even start to describe it. I've actually been having to scrape into the plaster to get it off. But anyway, Jerry hasn't felt like helping me, and yesterday he was supposed to take his truck to the transmission shop and have it checked out because of some noise in it. I'm steadily working away. All alone. Noon comes, still working, no Jerry. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.... by 7:30 I called him, worried out of my mind. Oh I'm sorry, I didn't go to the transmission shop, I stopped up at the airfield (remote control planes) and I've been up here all day talking to so and so and so and so.
Oh lord was I triggered. That one minuite stretched into eternity. I actually flashed back to the Mike excuses. I felt like I was transferred back in time to hell. All the old feelings all the panic all the anguish just smacked me up side the head. Here I was worried to death about him, busting my butt trying to fix up our home, and he's out there without a care in the world, not one thought of me. Trigger, Trigger Trigger.
I must have cried for an hour before he came home. Scrape, Scrape...stab the wall...scrape. I didn't say a word. Old feelings of hurt and resentment just grabbed ahold of me and took me back in time.
This morning, I couldn't sleep, I just kept thinking about it and I realized it wasn't about Jerry and him not helping me or doing what he was supposed to. It was about me, I had been building myself up to this for weeks, because my trigger date was approaching.
After 3 years you would think I would see it comming, but I didn't. Now that I realize what is going on, I'll break out that tool box and start working on it, but it's left me in a funk and sad and tired again. Where is that darn glass that's half full, I know it's in there somewhere. (-:
B
Halloween is a trigger for me. Mike and I met on Halloween 16 years ago. We decided to get married around this time and in the end, my life with Mike ended with him during this time. It was the darkest days of my life.
Sub consciously, I must have been trying to avoid the holiday all togeather. I didn't even realize it was Halloween until about 10pm last night. I know I've been on total edge, waiting for a shoe to drop edge. For the last few days I've been scraping wall paper from walls, painting with a vengence and just going non stop even though every bone in my body aches. I'm really really tired yet something just pushes and pushes for me to do more and more. I'm almost in a panic.
Last night, I realized I had been triggered and didn't even know it until it was too late.
Jerry has been in a funk over his son, I've had this nasty flu sinse August, yet I felt compelled to be strong for him. Well my daughter went to Florida for a week and I saw this a the perfect time to paint her room and our living room while she was gone so that she wouldn't be exposed to the fumes (she's pregnant). Her room has 4 layers of wallpaper on it that some dates back to 1929. Stuck like glue doesn't even start to describe it. I've actually been having to scrape into the plaster to get it off. But anyway, Jerry hasn't felt like helping me, and yesterday he was supposed to take his truck to the transmission shop and have it checked out because of some noise in it. I'm steadily working away. All alone. Noon comes, still working, no Jerry. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.... by 7:30 I called him, worried out of my mind. Oh I'm sorry, I didn't go to the transmission shop, I stopped up at the airfield (remote control planes) and I've been up here all day talking to so and so and so and so.
Oh lord was I triggered. That one minuite stretched into eternity. I actually flashed back to the Mike excuses. I felt like I was transferred back in time to hell. All the old feelings all the panic all the anguish just smacked me up side the head. Here I was worried to death about him, busting my butt trying to fix up our home, and he's out there without a care in the world, not one thought of me. Trigger, Trigger Trigger.
I must have cried for an hour before he came home. Scrape, Scrape...stab the wall...scrape. I didn't say a word. Old feelings of hurt and resentment just grabbed ahold of me and took me back in time.
This morning, I couldn't sleep, I just kept thinking about it and I realized it wasn't about Jerry and him not helping me or doing what he was supposed to. It was about me, I had been building myself up to this for weeks, because my trigger date was approaching.
After 3 years you would think I would see it comming, but I didn't. Now that I realize what is going on, I'll break out that tool box and start working on it, but it's left me in a funk and sad and tired again. Where is that darn glass that's half full, I know it's in there somewhere. (-:
B
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Triggers are very real, Frankly, and often we don't even know they happened until we realize the we feel off balance and have to think about why. I think they are a form of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).
I can't watch most movies or television programs about drugs, they set me off bigtime. Old places do too. A year ago I returned to Toronto where I had lived for 20 years and where most of my codependency and my son's addiction began. I was there briefly for a bridal shower luncheon but had to drive through downtown to get to the restaurant and I caught myself looking for my son, not going out of my way but my eyes were looking at each person on the sidewalk. All the old places were still there and as I drove past them it triggered memories of times of crisis. I wasn't expecting that one.
What helps me get past it is telling myself that it's over, that part of my life no longer exists. And I tell myself that I am okay today, self-talk really helps. And distracting myself with happier things does too.
I'm sorry you got triggered, holidays often do that to many of us. Just know that we understand and are right here beside you.
Hugs
I can't watch most movies or television programs about drugs, they set me off bigtime. Old places do too. A year ago I returned to Toronto where I had lived for 20 years and where most of my codependency and my son's addiction began. I was there briefly for a bridal shower luncheon but had to drive through downtown to get to the restaurant and I caught myself looking for my son, not going out of my way but my eyes were looking at each person on the sidewalk. All the old places were still there and as I drove past them it triggered memories of times of crisis. I wasn't expecting that one.
What helps me get past it is telling myself that it's over, that part of my life no longer exists. And I tell myself that I am okay today, self-talk really helps. And distracting myself with happier things does too.
I'm sorry you got triggered, holidays often do that to many of us. Just know that we understand and are right here beside you.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Fall is a trigger for me Frankly.
Even though I know that, it still can be difficult at times.
About the best I can do is trust that brighter days are ahead, and the understanding that triggers are very real helps too.
Oh...and removing wallpaper is my least favorite job on the planet I think!
Wisjing you brighter days ahead
(((((Hugs))))
Cece
Even though I know that, it still can be difficult at times.
About the best I can do is trust that brighter days are ahead, and the understanding that triggers are very real helps too.
Oh...and removing wallpaper is my least favorite job on the planet I think!
Wisjing you brighter days ahead
(((((Hugs))))
Cece
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Well girls, let me tell you, the best part of removing the wall paper was having that large area that I already have to do repairs to, I got to just stab it and release some frustration. Looking at that wall this morning though actually has me laughing, maybe I should connect the dots from the holes and see is HP sent me some kind of message.
It's so nice to know that I'm not alone, others out there know exactly what I feel.
Thank You
B
It's so nice to know that I'm not alone, others out there know exactly what I feel.
Thank You
B
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Frankly))))
Like Ann, I too, can't watch any of those drug programs, I have a BIG problem with the program "Cops" (go figure...LOL)
It's comforting to watch as you go through the steps, and get yourself back on track, it's your recovery in action....
Hugs,
Like Ann, I too, can't watch any of those drug programs, I have a BIG problem with the program "Cops" (go figure...LOL)
It's comforting to watch as you go through the steps, and get yourself back on track, it's your recovery in action....
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi frankly,
I didn't really know what was happening to me....thoughts, feelings, playing of old tapes in my head, reliving the event in my head seemed to come all on its own with no concious thought of my own. I would feel just miserable and not know why.
My counselor told me it was what he called "Anniversary Dates" and that I should be aware of when they are coming up to help meet them head on with my tools and meditations. :ghug2
I didn't really know what was happening to me....thoughts, feelings, playing of old tapes in my head, reliving the event in my head seemed to come all on its own with no concious thought of my own. I would feel just miserable and not know why.
My counselor told me it was what he called "Anniversary Dates" and that I should be aware of when they are coming up to help meet them head on with my tools and meditations. :ghug2
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