Triggers
Something that I'm noticing with myself is triggers. It's been 3 years now since my whole world fell apart. The last few weeks I've been fighting a funk. At first I thought it was because of being sick again and some stressful things going on, but now I realized yesterday that I've been fighting a trigger.
Halloween is a trigger for me. Mike and I met on Halloween 16 years ago. We decided to get married around this time and in the end, my life with Mike ended with him during this time. It was the darkest days of my life.
Sub consciously, I must have been trying to avoid the holiday all togeather. I didn't even realize it was Halloween until about 10pm last night. I know I've been on total edge, waiting for a shoe to drop edge. For the last few days I've been scraping wall paper from walls, painting with a vengence and just going non stop even though every bone in my body aches. I'm really really tired yet something just pushes and pushes for me to do more and more. I'm almost in a panic.
Last night, I realized I had been triggered and didn't even know it until it was too late.
Jerry has been in a funk over his son, I've had this nasty flu sinse August, yet I felt compelled to be strong for him. Well my daughter went to Florida for a week and I saw this a the perfect time to paint her room and our living room while she was gone so that she wouldn't be exposed to the fumes (she's pregnant). Her room has 4 layers of wallpaper on it that some dates back to 1929. Stuck like glue doesn't even start to describe it. I've actually been having to scrape into the plaster to get it off. But anyway, Jerry hasn't felt like helping me, and yesterday he was supposed to take his truck to the transmission shop and have it checked out because of some noise in it. I'm steadily working away. All alone. Noon comes, still working, no Jerry. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.... by 7:30 I called him, worried out of my mind. Oh I'm sorry, I didn't go to the transmission shop, I stopped up at the airfield (remote control planes) and I've been up here all day talking to so and so and so and so.
Oh lord was I triggered. That one minuite stretched into eternity. I actually flashed back to the Mike excuses. I felt like I was transferred back in time to hell. All the old feelings all the panic all the anguish just smacked me up side the head. Here I was worried to death about him, busting my butt trying to fix up our home, and he's out there without a care in the world, not one thought of me. Trigger, Trigger Trigger.
I must have cried for an hour before he came home. Scrape, Scrape...stab the wall...scrape. I didn't say a word. Old feelings of hurt and resentment just grabbed ahold of me and took me back in time.
This morning, I couldn't sleep, I just kept thinking about it and I realized it wasn't about Jerry and him not helping me or doing what he was supposed to. It was about me, I had been building myself up to this for weeks, because my trigger date was approaching.
After 3 years you would think I would see it comming, but I didn't. Now that I realize what is going on, I'll break out that tool box and start working on it, but it's left me in a funk and sad and tired again. Where is that darn glass that's half full, I know it's in there somewhere. (-:
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