indestress

I was with this man for five years, I watched him struggle with drug and sex addictions all the time, finally after I was pregnant with his child he started to really turn his life around, he got his GED and went off to colledge.
he took carpentry and passed almost the top of his class.
THIS GUY HAS REAL POTENTIAL.
he borrowed 9,800 dollars from his father to get his driver lisence reinstated, and then so he could pay him back and so he could help support his child, he decided he would go to alberta were the money is better and carpenters are in high demand.
He relapced, and now he is missing. Noone in his family has heard from him for three weeks, he is not answering his cell phone, nore his email, and even friends that are up there with him have not seen him in weeks.
this man desserves and is capable of much better things in life and most of all His child deserves a father, and i know he loves his baby, he is a wonderful father with out drugs in his life.
so, my plan is to go out and look for him, he was last knowen to be in skid row edmonton alberta, I will be showing people his picture in hopes someone might know where he is.
what im posting this for is to ask if anyone out there might know of an organisation that will help me in getting finaces to go out and look for him, I plan to bring him home. I knows he wants the help but is waiting for someone to gve it to him.
i know this looks like one of those things that people are warned about on sites like this but i swear on my child this is real and i am not someone looking to scam someone. I just want info.
does anyone know of anything that could help me?

WLDKATZ

I am so not trying to be funny right now but how old are you? You sound awfully young and with that thought I am also thinking of the fact I am pregnant.....you out by yourself probally won't make it or you could end up getting hurt or killed.....is there anyone willing to go with you??? just things to think of especially since you don't seem to have the finances in which to do this......one thing though you may comtact the police in that area they may be able to help you or his family....good luck:ghug

indestress

im 22...yeah i know,
but i do have a good friend of mine who is willing to go out with me everyday to helpme look for him and she is letting me stay with her family. I do realize the dangers, I have spoken to him befor he went missing and he has told me how bad it gets out there. his mother has also told me all about how dangerous it can be for someone going out there alone, but thank you for your concern. and i do know that you are not joking or trying to poke fun. and thank you for taking me seriously

MsPINKAcres

oh sweetie -

I know how scared you must be for him - please know that my thoughts & prayers go out for you & for him.

Please be careful - please remember that it is ok to take care of you first, while you are looking for him - try to be safe and make calm & wise choices when looking in these areas - bring someone with you if you feel you have to go look for him. Although you know the good side of this wonderful man, remember it is not worth risking your life or your safety to try to save him - you are worthy of safety.

Also, please keep in touch to let us know how you are doing,

Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Rose_james

Is it possible to put out a missing persons report in the area? I really wish you didn't have to go searching, I wish you all the best and please be safe. I know you want a father for your child, I can relate completely, its just so hard and tiring trying to be responsible for another person. I am always worried also.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

starting_over

I live in Alberta, Canada - I can tell you for sure, that a little pregnant gal from New Brunswick is in no way prepared for skid row in Edmonton. Gangs, murders, prostitution, drugs, you name it... If I were you, I would contact the RCMP in Edmonton and tell them your story - fax them a picture if you must, but I agree...it sounds to me like he may not want to be found. He made the choice to go off and use again. He left you behind to do it. Pretty loud messages, it seems to me. And I don't mean to be harsh...it's just that I've been on the receiving end of behaviors like this and thought at the time "he doesn't mean it", "he can't help it", "he doesn't know what he's doing", "he still loves me". All false in the end. He loves drugs more. At least at this time in his life. And like you, it was all too easy for me to convince myself that he was a "good dad", a "good husband", a "good provider", but I always had to add on the "when he's not using drugs" part. Unfortunately, he's back to using drugs. No great dad, great husband, great provider leaves his family to indulge his addiction...if his family means anything to him, he'll do everything in his power to find treatment and truly become the "great guy" he can be. But that won't happen until he makes those healthy choices for himself. There's really nothing you can do about this - I know how heartbreaking it is. Take care of yourself and that baby...that's the best thing for you to do right now. If he comes home...deal with that when it happens. But stay strong for you. He can't help you with that right now.

cece1960

Awe hon,
I can feel the pain in your post.
Sadly, what you are planning is not only dangerous, its unrealistic.
even if you do find him, and assuming he would come home with you...whats the next step?
He knows he has people who care, and that he can contact should he want help.
And if he wants the help...HE has to seek it out, not wait for it to find him.
Please reconsider going "out there". As romantic as society may make a rescue, it's ugly, unwise and dangerous.
(((Hugs)))
Cece

liesagain

indestress................so sorry you are goint thru this. Dealing with a loved one with addiction is difficult and I'm afraid that you may not like the advise you are given and may feel the need to go look, go find him and get him the help you feel hes waitig for but trust me hes not WAITING for help, at least not if hes using.
May I ask...............what is his drug of choice?
Also what about his family? Why are they not going out looking for him? If you look at that you may find that they have been thru this with him before.............the disappearing act is VERY common with active addicts.............and eventually they turn up when they are good and ready..............until then my advise would be for you to find a meeting for families of addcits........Naranon or even alanon
and that you read Codependant no more by melody bettie
and please stick around here and read these pages and see what life with an addict is ................................

take care of yourself!!!

nytepassion

I know this has to be a very difficult time for you and I'm sure you are scared and worried for him, but the truth is YOU CAN'T save him. You can't rescue him from his addiction - It isn't something that if you did find him and brought him home that will just go away .. it is embedded deep within him. It is a part of who he is. He can't just make it go away. He would have to pry himself free (something not you or anyone else can do for him) It is possible he doesn't want to be found. If he did he would find you, a family member or a friend and let them know where he is. There are so many addicts who have potential - but doesn't change the fact that they are addicted and controlled by their addiction and therefore the potential is just potential - reality is they are not capable of living up to that potential because of the addiction. You can see his worth, but he can't maximize on it, because addiction slowly but surely robs you of your worth. Substance abuse is a negative. It doesn't have any positives in it. It only takes you down further and further it is (descending) not ascending .. I'm sure he loves his daughter as best as he is capable of with a monkey on his back, but until he gets recovery and learns to love himself first ... he cannot be the father she needs nor can he give to you the things that create a healthy relationship.

You can hunt him down, you can bring him home, you can try to fix, rescue, save him, you can cry, yell, scream, beg and plead, you can try to reason and talk until your blue in the face .. and the years can pass and one day you will find yourself tore up from the floor up, beat up from the feet up and needing a check up from the neck up .. because no matter how much you love him the battle belongs to him. You can't fight this fight for him. This is something HE MUST do for himself and unless he wants to .. it won't happen. I know your young and hopeful .. been there done that myself. Only to find that years past and addiction is more powerful than I. It literally wore me out and by the time I was done I was just as sick as he. It was then that I was able to stop looking for help to save him, but rather start looking for help to save me. I learned that all I had done in the name of love was really enable him. I learned that I was doing the dance of codependency and that he had become my drug of choice. I learned that I needed to learn how to detach and then I learned that I needed recovery for myself.

Knowledge is power - Read and Learn all that you can about his drug of choice and about addicted behavior, learn all you can about enabling, codependency learn how to recover from then and add in learning about detachment. It will save you years of heartache. Stick around here - there are plenty who have walked the path before you ... and will be glad to help you through this as best as we can.

Save yourself money .. make a poster with his picture and find out the homeless shelters in his area .. fax the poster and ask them to put it up and give an email where you can be reached in case someone sees him.

Concentrate on taking care of you and your child (she needs you more than he does)

****{hugs to you}}}
Passion

rahsue

I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this. I don't know what I would do if my son went missing. Probably exactly what you're going to do. Please take all precautionary measures, like checking in with the local police there so that they know who you are and what you're doing.

Be safe.

indestress

iv known him for five years and you think i got scamed?
I seen him wake up in cold sweats from dreams, im sorry, nightmares of when he used to use. he has been in detoxe befor, he even went to lonewater farms befor, so when I say I know he wants it... I KNOW HE WANTS IT. please dont get me wrong, I understand that you are only telling me what you beleave to be true and saying it as a concerned and caring person, I know there are some of you here that have probaly seen this more times then you would like to recall, and please dont think i am going into this with out knowing the risks.
I have tryed to talk to the police to see if he was in jail and do to "privacy policy" they cant tell me a thing, they even went so far as to say "he's a big boy if he wanted to call you he would"
I was very ununderstanding to him when he first started to go down hill and who wants to hear about how much of a dead beat dad they are and how they spent their last child support payment on drugs. they already know that.
I have done alot of talking to people in the same situation, and people who have come out of recovery, they have all told me that he needs to know his family still loves him and that we want to help him. Although we have broken up, I have never turned my back on him. as much as we fight ,we have always been the best of friends. he's told me some HORRIFYING stories about his past and I cant sleep at night thinking of him living it again. I HAVE GOT TO TRY,

hopeforever

big big hug to you!
stay strong for u and ur baby.. and stay safe for both of u.. the world out there is cruel.. so please please..... stay safe.... ill prayfor u....
one can help themself only if they want it.....
take care of u and ur baby first place... hugs to you

indestress

thank you all very much for ur replys.
I have a few things to say because i noticed that some people are not cleare on them, im not currently pregnant, my baby will be 2 this christmas and when i go will be staying with her great aunt and grand mother. and going is not a compleatly for shure thing yet. his family is scared to report him missing because they think it may get him arrested for something when the cops finaly find him, even though i know that would be good for him, they dont want to be responcible for getting him arrested. I feel it is my only option now.

CarolD

OMG What about your child?
You could be injured..raped...killed
running around looking for a man
that does not want to be found.

You choose to have a baby
now she must be your first concern.

I pray you consider this innocent child.

Don't you work?
Are you quitting a job for this chase?

cinderellawkids

Sweetie do you know how frightening it is to have a gun pulled on you...To look someone in the face and see that theres NOTHING human behing their eyes.

Myy husbands dealer murdered in cold blood 2 people last weekend, in normal suburban neighborhoods, and your thinking of going into a place where you canot even imagine the possibilities...

Your husband will be back when he's capable of it, recently a friend of my AH went out was gone a few weeks weve known him for years, matter of fact hes a carpenter too, when he came back it wasnt him, he didnt know his best friend, all he knew was crack, there was no doing anything for him until he was ready to stop the binge and then he asked for help.

I also promise you when you take his picture and ask you are going to get more lies than facts, everyone out ofr their own agenda.

Please wait it out, if he is gonna be okay he is gonna be okay.

I very good online friend of mine became an orphan when her mom went to find her dad.

LadyJane666

You can raise kids alone. I have been a single Mum since I was 22 and my children are now 16 and 8. You can find huge reserves of strength when you are looking after little ones. My advice would be - always look to your kids' welfare, always be the best mum you can and put relationships way down the line. Put your kids first, you second and anyone else as far down the line as your kids need them to be.

BigSis

(((Indestress))) Has anyone talked to you about "resentments"?

I get them. Sometimes I get them sooo bad. And I have discovered that, for me, they come from mostly one thing - unfulfilled expectations.

A good example: We have 2 kids and we both worked. I put aside $25/paycheck back in the day when $25 was worth something. We could have used that money for diapers, food, electric bill, gas... and maybe we wouldn't have had to go bankrupt back then. But I insisted. OUR kids were going to have at least a "fighting chance" to rise above our working class neighborhood. And since education is a proven way to make it out, I was saving for college.

I took those savings bonds and converted them to stocks and made a little money on them, even after the crash in 2000.

Guess what happened? Neither kid went to college. Both developed addiction. I used most of the money for rehabs... and in every case, after every time, my kids relapsed.




I loved them. I wanted the best for them. I did what I did out of the depths of a mother's love... and when all my plans and schemes and things I did out of love totally fell through. When MY dreams died due to their addiction.


I was flippin' furious. I hated them each for a little while. I forgot they had a disease of addiction. I forgot they inherited it from me and Mr. Big. I forgot how much I treasured them as precious children.

I just hated that they killed my dreams.



Today, I hear you putting all of yourself into finding this man. A man who knows exactly how to call collect...how to find a shelter....how to get help. A man who is choosing, yes because of his disease, but still choosing to remain on the street. A man who may not have experienced pain enough greater than the pleasure of using.

And after you put his needs before yours and your child's needs. After he comes home with you. After the dust has settled.

How will you feel if he goes back out again?


He does need you. He needs you to give him the diginity of making his own mistakes. He needs you to allow him the pain of this lesson, so that HE can be the hero. He needs to do this on his own.


Those here who are telling you this really are speaking from experience.


I wish you the best.

kelsh

I can't add much to this but I never went looking for two of my children that chose to run away from home when they were in their teens. Both came home and drugs were not involved.....this wasn't an issue with any of my children except one when he was in his 30's. My daughter called after three days and did come back. My step-son was 16 and ran from juvenile detention with another kid from California and he was gone six months....he called my parents first and went to their place and we went to get him.

We were so lucky with all of our children and the one that has depression and alcohol problems is now a quadraplegic from a suicide attempt. That is another whole story. He is 38.

My children always came first even when I drank. I can't say I did things right but they grew up to be pretty responsible adults...one put herself through college and law school and she is a lawyer in Seattle. We had two of his, two of ours, and one of mine. We are proud of our family.

It seems so sad to hear all of this happening with your families but most of all you do know that you can't change the alcoholic or addict. They have to want to change themselves and stick with it. Sometimes it is not meant to be....the lost ones never seem to find a way home.

krhea75

Hey there,

We cannot control other people, even when they are not addicts. We can control ourselves and how we react. If your daughter were in this situation as an adult, would you want her to go looking for her addict? I know it sounds like everyone is coming down on you, but these people tell you what you need to hear even when you don't want to hear it. I know. They helped me through my son's addiction even when I didn't want to hear what they were saying. Take a breath, sleep on it, pray on it. In the end you have to make the choice. Make it from a place of peace instead of turmoil.
krhea

Wascally Wabbit

It's been my experience that they always show up sooner or later. In your case it may be later. Running after him, and trying to make a good man out of him might not work! He really has to want it for himself. Then, he has to work it all the way through, HIMSELF.
Please be very careful. Trying to find him, if he doesn't want to be found, can be scarey.
If he want's to come home, he will come.
In the mean time, why don't you contact someone from alanon that you could talk to. They will help you.
Good luck honey. I hope things work out for you all.