hope213

please do not go looking for him. he is not lost,he does not want to b found.he will turn up when he is done for this round. you are putting yourself in danger.do not do it.he is going to use until he is ready to stop.you can not help him.take care of yourself & let us know how u r.my prayers for for u & him & the baby.the baby deserves to have its mom. prayers,

lil516

Your situation is heartbreaking....

I too know how much you want to help him and how much he deserves a life worth living....it's as much as I wanted to save my son

sadly, I found out that I couldn't (but fortunately he has since decided to save himself)

you can gather #s and names of services (detox, in patient, out patient, sober houses etc...) and keep those #s with you...if he decides to reach out and ask for help you will have ways to offer assistance...

the best thing you can do for him right now is to take care of the child you created together and both cherish...

I pray he seeks recovery soon and quiets the understandable worry that you are feeling...I can only imagine the stress and anxiety caused by an addict that is mia

It is an understatement to say addiction is a family disease...I am sorry for the pain this disease has brought to your family...

Ann

I understand how desperate you feel, my son has been missing for over 3 years, so please know that I say this with compassion and love in my heart.

Here's how it works...

If he were clean or in rehab or detox, he would call you. They always do. He knows where you are and how to contact you.

If he is using, he doesn't want to be found and risking your life to wander skid row looking for him is just very very unwise. If you find him, he may stay with you for a day...then he'll be gone again and the games continue.

All the "but he loves me", "but I can help him", "I HAVE to save him"'s in the world won't save him, only he can do that and he won't until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping. Sadly, he isn't different and he's doing what addicts do.

Let me also add, I am familiar with Edmonton and Fort McMurray (where the big money is), my husband has worked out there off and on for years (he neither drinks nor uses drugs). Big money is easy to come by and therefore so are drugs. The blessing is that most jobs require a drug test before starting so he may run out of money before he gets more work. Either way...neither place is safe for any woman wandering skid row. It just isn't.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but sweetie, for the sake of your child if not yourself, stay where you are, find some meetings and support, and begin to take care of yourself. You are worth it and so is your child.

Hugs

MeggieStar

I think your original post was asking if anyone knew any organizations that would help you finance your trip, but I honestly think that NO orginization or person would give somebody money to hunt down a relapsed drug addict. It's hard enough to find a kid who has been kidnapped let alone a drug addict who is CHOOSING to disappear.

You will do what you will do, and when we loved ones are caught up in the MADNESS of addiction, as you seem to be, we will often put our addict before ourselves and our children. It's sad, but it happens.

If your ex-abf really WANTS help, he'll figure out how to get it. He figures out how to get drugs doesn't he? That can take an amazing amount of cunning.

Look, I realize at 22 everything seems dramatic and immediate. You must be worried sick, and I feel for you. However, probably the best idea I can give you is to actually think through everything you are planning and do NOT allow yourself to act on the impulsiveness, the shaky feeling, the thoughts in your mind that scream I HAVE TO GET TO HIM NOW!!!...because that stuff ain't real, what is real is your little baby, who IS asking you to take care of her.

Take care.

mooselips

(((indestress))))
Good luck to you, in whatever decision you come to. I truly hope you read the posts to your original thread carefully, there's plenty of good sense written here.

indestress

ok I dont want anyone to think i am doing this for the sake of my relationship. we broke up because i chose my baby over him to begain with, im doing this as a friend, yes i love him, he is the father of my baby, and i want him to have whant he treied soo hard for thease last few years and was so close to having, please dont think i am disgarding my baby, she is my reason for living and if i did not have her i would not be hear.
to be honest i have had little self expereince with drugs but have seen and heard the terrible things my ex has been through. i know how bad it can get, and yes i have had a gun to my face, yes i have seen how unhuman people can be, i v been attact three times all resulting in sexual assult. i have also seen how police do little for the people they are hierd to protect, and have little fath in the system. please dont think i am some stupid spoild little hopless romantic, i have lived through more then somone my age should and i just cant turn my back from people, its just not who i am and i cant do it, if he does not want the help when i get there then yes i will have to count my loses and go home to my baby. I look in babys eyes everyday and see daddy, and know how much baby will want to know him when they get older. I have not lost my compasion for people do to the things i have been through and i consider myself very lucky for that.

nytepassion

Indestress,

I understand where you are coming from completely ... No one here thinks you are a stupid hopeless romantic at all. I know you aren't hearing what you'd like to hear and it is tough to swallow.. but the reality is many of us here have been in your shoes trying to save the addict from himself .. HE HAS TO WANT TO BE CLEAN. HE HAS TO TAKE THE STEPS TO GET CLEAN. HE HAS TO FIGHT HIS ADDICTION HIMSELF. YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM no matter how bad you want to, but I guess you're like me and you will have to learn the hard way

****{Hugs}}}
Passion

indestress

i realize this is the truth i am hearing, and no i dont want to hear it however i hve always appreated honesty nomatter what form its in.
and i know that the people here are only trying to help me.
im really glad i decided to post this now, even though im not getting the answers i want. just hearing from others and being reminded that im not alone in this, is reasurring.
its sooo sad that so many of you are are suffering like you are or have sufferd so badly in the past. I have never been able to understand the crulty that people can show sometimes and how they can cause pain to other people. I'm no saint, but I have been through enough to know that caring and forgiving will get me much father in life then revenge and dwelling on the past.

liesagain

indestress

there is hope for your babys dad, I dont believe anyone here thinks there isnt .
the main thing I think most are trying to get across to and for you...............IS that no matter how much you WANT to give him ........what YOU KNOW he really wants....to be free of drugs and free of his addiction...........

YOU CANNOT GIVE IT TO HIM OR DO ANYTHING TO HELP HIM, HE CAN HELP HIMSELF but only when hes ready, and yes they try so hard, they want a better life but sometimes it takes awhile before they are actually able to accomplish that

You said you've been told by addicts that they just want to know their family loves them..................hummmmmm
do you doubt that he knows you love him?
A place to sleep clean clothes MONEY..........someone looking for him and putting thereself at risk....................thats not love or acts of love......Thought I know 100% that its because you love him and care YOU want to do these things .........they are the easy things to do but frankly these things dont help more often than not they hurt ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,learning to let him fall and pick himself up, not getting in his way those are acts of love that take alot of strength and practice they are not easy but its all that you really can do............
SOmeone asked me once, how will I feel if my HeLP the money I gave or whatever........was the final thing that finally ended his life , if he overdosed or something...........HOW would I feel then? WAS I WILLING TO LOVE HIM TO DEATH? This is one of the things that helped me know that stepping back and letting him do it for himself was what I had to do...........

If you get out there get raped or killed and his child is motherless.......you've added ONE more reason to his hundreds of excuses to feel sorry, you've added one more regret.............and regret and excuses and hurt..............these things keep an addict tied to their drug LONGER

You can care for him, show him you love him and be there to support him when he wants help.............before that everything else is futile....

and for what its worth, a few of those that responded to your post are recovering addicts so they do know ............what they are talking about.
I am not, but my husband is a recovering addict and believe me I watched him try and fail, I know the night terrors you are talking about...........and like you I tried everything and ya know what ...............he TOLD me that everything I did for him out of love made him feel worse about himself and my helping ...............hurt and made it easier to keep doing drugs, each thing reinforced his belief that he was worthless.......

and he actually thanked me for getting help for myself and for working on me and for learning to let go ( which I still have alot to learn.........)

Good luck to you..................you will be in my thoughts.....and I hope he finds his way soon

Ann

If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here today. Even a mother's love isn't enough, addiction is just bigger than any of us.

Whatever your choice, please know that we are here for you and care. Recovery didn't come easy to most of us, I know it was a long process for me, and I too had to "try" and do everything I possibly could before I finally surrendered exhausted and out of ideas. That's when I got myself to a meeting and began working a program that literally saved my life.

Those of us who are trying to warn you of the dangers and heartache of trying to "save" someone active in addiction are trying to save you the pain we went through. Maybe there are no shortcuts to recovery, maybe we each have to find our own way like you do...and like your addict does.

You, your child and her father are all in my prayers today.

Hugs

hope213

ditto to what ann said.if we could love our addicts clean none of us would be here. my addict is also my son & it is hard to let go of them. we have learned that all we can do is pray for them & let go & let God. if you carry thru with this just know you will b in our prayers that your H.P. will keep u safe.

Jwife22

I think BigSis said it best in this statement.

I was 21 when I discovered my husbands addiction. I did all of those things. Making sure he was comfortable when he was going through his withdrawls because I could look at him and just see how much pain he was in but you know, he CHOSE not to get help at that time with his addiction, not ME.

No matter what I did, threaten, hunt him down, give ultimatims, kick him out, leave, etc. I did all of it. It didn't do a darn thing to get rid of his addiction. He just kept right on using....oh yes, he would get clean for a couple of weeks and then he would promise me the world and tell me he didn't know why he used, he didn't understand what drove him to it, he had no intention of using before he called up the dope man and got his little blue pills, he'd promise that it was the last time and he really really wanted to live a clean life. Maybe he meant those things when he was saying them but the pull of the drugs was stronger. He had to WANT more than anything to be clean.

He didn't start his program until after I started mine. I let him suffer his consequences without being there to pick up the pieces. He knew I loved him because I was letting him live his life with out my interference. I stopped trying to CONTROL him. He is an adult and can make his own decisions.

Going out and hunting him down in a terrible town like you described is not what needs to be done. Allowing him to suffer his consequences, to do what he needs to do to reach the point where he is ready give up the drugs is the most loving thing you can do for him.

I think it was BigSis who finally got me to understand. We have to let our addicts do what they need to do without our interference. If we go and rescue them we may be preventing them from meeting that one person they needed to meet or hearing that one thing they needed to hear to finally get the desire to be clean.

Have you been to meetings? Can you go? I know you are going to do what you think you have to do but please reconsider your decision. He will make contact with you when he is ready.

Why put so much time, effort and money into someone who doesn't want to talk to you right now? I say all of these out of caring concern of having been where you are.

Jwife22

This is called What Addicts Do. It was written by an addict named Jon.



What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Momsrainbow

Try reading the "stickys" what addicts do and let me fall. You are not responsible for his actions-only your own. I chased my AH down in the past-got him home-only to have him go off on this quest for drugs. I had to learn the hard way. Now he is in jail and I doubt if that will even help him.You will not be helping in any way if you do find him-he is NOT ready apparently. I know it is hard but at some point you just have to stop the madness the addict causes in your life and get on with your own and your childs. Take care!!!!!! Be safe!!!!!!

indestress

but what if he dies befor he reaches that point?
and I dont think he knows we love him, our last conversation
I asked him not to ask to talk to the baby when he is stoned, I just didnt think it was right, and I was still anrgy and feeling abandoned by him so I told him some very mean things, it was his mother who helped me understand how it really is for addicts, she has lived through this her self and has been clean for awhile now, she has found god and councils teens that are currently in her past situation.
when he left I had noone, no education, nothing.
I have sevear learning problems, im calculexic (I cant spell either) and I have a mood disorder that is really bad, so I have never been able to it alone, i cant even keep a job because i have probllems leaving my house, the only thing I have ever been good at is carring for my baby, and i know im good at that!
so you see, I felt like he was laughing at me sometimes, like he really didnt care about leaving me with no money and spending his child support on drugs. I know now that it wasnt like that at all.

Impurrfect

"but what if he dies before he reaches that point?"

Honey -that is a risk to any addict, and as a recovering addict, I took that risk all the time when I was active.

Think about this....what if you DO go "rescue him" this time. Who's to say that he's not gonna go right back out in a matter of hours, days, or weeks. If he's not ready to get clean, that's exactly what he's gonna do. As long as he wants to use, he really IS only thinking about that.

The person I am now, is nothing like when I was using. But I had to accept my addiction and decide that I don't want to use anymore to get here. There's not a person here that doesn't love their addict and knows that the addict, when active, is a good person.

The only person you can really help is yourself and your child. Death is a final consequence of addiction and there are a lot of people on here who have lost their loved one to the disease.

I'm not trying to be mean or heartless. I can just tell you, from my experience, that as long as I didn't want to get clean, NO ONE could make me, or rescue me. Had my family come and taken me home, I would have done whatever it took, to get back to the dope.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Jwife22

Nothing you can do will stop this from happening. If he wants to use drugs he is going to use drugs, NO MATTER WHAT. You going up there and bringing him home isn't going to change the fact that he is using drugs. You can't stop him from using. It has to be his decision.

There is nothing wrong with this. In fact, it shows GOOD parenting. He shouldn't be around the baby while he is high. Its dangerous and puts you at risk of losing that baby.

It WAS like that. Honey, what you see is what you get with an addict. If you know you can't get him clean what in the heck are you going to do if you find him? Are you going to bring him home and put your baby at risk? Are you going to risk Department of Social Services barging in your door because you've got an active drug addict in the home? Are you going to risk getting arrested because you are with him when he is carrying drugs? There are so many risks of being with an active drug addict. So many DANGERS.

I know you hurt. It hurts like hell to know someone you love is out there doing what they are do. It does make you feel like you have to do something but the best thing for me to do was to go to a naranon or alanon meeting and meet some people, get some numbers and keep posting.

((((destress))))

indestress

everybody has an idol, for me its my aunt,iv always looked up to her because she has always told me the bare truth, and i have always lisend to her, because i know she has been there, she been in jail, shes done pills so bad that she has ruind her stomac and has to take pills for the rest of her life, her husband is a dealer, she has had to fight for her life( not from her husband). thats something appreat from people more then anything, there is little truth to things anymore and i cant stand a lier, soooo, with that said.
(sigh)...im not going to go to alberta, i will let him do this on his own, i knew there was realy nothing i could do, it was just that i wanted to see him, alive , to know he was ok, well... he is not ok i guess. but just to know he was alive would have been enough, I definatly would have tryed to bring him home and i did plan to do that but maybe it was just me wanting to see him that made me want to go up there.

Jwife22

(((destress))) I know it hurts. Addicts are really very resourceful people. He is where he is because of HIM. When he is ready, he can find his way out. Allowing him to suffer the consequences of his using is what I had to do.

Whenever you feel down or feel like you need to do something, come here and post.

mooselips

indestress,
The best part is when you DO see him, perhaps he will be walking the road of recovery, if not, maybe he'll be ready.


Hugs to you,
I know how hard this is for you...