ghost057

I have about read every post in here. And everyone of them makes about 99% right. But deep inside, I still have this feeling that my wife can change. I still wear my ring faithfully. Hoping that she will walk through those doors a changed women, but I know that doesnt happen over nite. Weve been married for 5 plus years, together for 7. I dont want us to become a statistic with that 50% divorce rate. Is it really possible that a person can truly love you, but not love thereself as an addict?

parentrecovers

have you tried alanon or naranon meetings, ghost? alanon really helps me.

nice to see you posting! k

catecicc

Ghost,

First and foremost I send you a hug. I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. I am the same way you are though not as involved years-wise. To be brutally honest, I do not think that an addict can love another individual when they cannot love themself. I watched my adoring boyfriend nearly destroy himself and me and think nothing of it. He saw nothing about his behavior as being wrong and didn't understand in the least why it hurt me so much. Each time he would use and I would get upset he couldn't fathom in the least what I meant when I said to him that each time he did this to himself it broke my heart.

I hope your wife gains the strength and belief in herself to overcome her problem. I will keep both of you in my prayers.

Also, for your sanity, keep posting!! Honest to god, this site has been my sanity and one of the only things that has kept be going throughout my battle. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

<3Cate

Jwife22

I never doubted that my husband loves me. I know that he does, its just when he's in active addiction, he can't resist the calling of his doc. Until he was ready to stop, for him and NOT for me or our marriage, he kept using. It hurt, absolutely but it's making it last this time.

I never gave up hope for my husband to get clean but I learned that I didn't have to give up my life to take care of him and wait on him to get clean.

ghost057

I have been reading all of them. but its like that 1% i keep hoping for. I am the type of person that is there for someone through anything. Anyone who knows me, knows that i have never been the type to give up on anything. I just know, that I am the one person that has never turned my back on my wife. I am the one person that has never abandoned her. I knew when I married my wife, that she has been through alot. I knew I loved her from the beginning. We even have the same b-day, Halloween . I was in the military, and i figured that when we left this area that alot of her past would fade away. And it did. She smoked a joint every now and then, but compared to what she did before, It was nothing. Once I got out of the army, we moved back to the area. The smoking got really bad, then worse. Then one day, i find a bag of cocaine on the floor at my parents house. I had a long talk with her, and it went away. But the last six months, it has come back 6 times worse than ever. My wife has loss crazy weight, looks like rudolph the red nose reindeer. She has moved out, but comes home than leaves comes home than leaves. Tells me she wants to change, that she is going to get help, but it still hasnt happened. Is there any last resort besides abandoning her that i can try, to give her that one last push?

DoingWell

One of the few sayings I kept that stuck with me was what an old sponsor told me when I asked the same thing, "How do you know when enough is enough" Answer: When the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving.
That's how I came to the realization that it didn't matter if I was a statistic or not, we were at that time married 16 years and only 4 years of it was bad.. Stand by your man was not my song for this, I just couldn't stand there and watch him die or love him to death. I divorced him and started my own life. I am also a recovering alcoholic and it was through letting go that I was able to focus on myself and in turn he did the same, he now has 15 months clean/sober and together we Co-parent our kids a block apart, we are good friends and maintain a very healthy relationship for the sake of our kids. We are able to play video games together, go on family outtings, dinners, movies. Mainly though I've only been able to maintain this relationship like this because of all that I have worked for to get my own life going, so that IF he slips.. I'll be fine, it will make me sad for him and our children, but ultimately my life will go on just as it has.
It has to.. I depend on that.

ghost057

this forum is helping me understand more than i thought it would in the beginning. Thanks for google.com

catecicc

Ghost,

Is your wife’s DoC cocaine? If so, we are even more in the same boat as so is my BF’s. Coke (speaking from personal experience as I too am a recovering drug abuser) is a diffucult one to kick as its hold is not really physical but mental. It’s a psychological addiction. It’s heartbreaking to have someone you love do this to themselves. It sounds like there are underlying issues with your wife other than the drugs (same with the BF). I have tried in the past few months to try and help him address and overcome those before attacking the addiction issues. Can I honestly say it has helped? I am not sure. I know he has become more open to talking about his feelings, but sometimes its being pushed to face reality that forced him (in my opinion) harder into the drugs.

One last hope? Hmm….that’s a tough one. I ultimatum-ed my BF. (mad at myself for even doing this but it's unfortunately a bad habit that is dying HARD) I don’t necessarily suggest this. In my case it worked enough to start to open his eyes. I don’t know if it would work with your wife as it seems, correct me if I am wrong, to come and go as she pleases as it stands. Have you tried talking about treatment options or counseling? Remember, an addict will only get help when they are ready. They don’t control their own actions any more, the drugs do.

Thinking of ya!

<3C

rozied

I was married for 10 yrs to a Compulsive Gambler. I loved him more than anything. I tried & tried to make our marriage work & to get him to stop gambling. Nothing ever helped. Finally I ended it & raised my 2 sons alone. I did not see or hear from him for 30yrs until a few mts ago. He told me he went from gambling to drugs & now has ben clean & sober for 5 yrs. He is now 62 & it took him until he was 57 to say to himself he had had enough. He tells me nothing anyone could ever say or do to an addict can make them stop until THEY have had enough. His own mother cut him loose & it tok him 12 yrs after that to decide to quit using. I know addicts do not love themselves so how can they love anyone else.
I am here now cuz of my 40yr old son who abuses coke also. He has lost everything cuz of it yet he still has not decided to quit.
Until your wife has had enough there is nothing you can do.

Wishing you the best,
Diane

ctrom40

((Hugs to all))

I am the mother of an AD and AS (another story) but this is not about them…. What a relief.

I have been married to a great man for almost 2 years, we have been together almost 7 years . He is a recovering alcoholic, just saying RAH doesn’t seem to give him the credit that I believe he deserves. My RAH was married to a wonderful woman for 20 years, he will admit to being drunk for 18 of those, they have 4 kids now ages 21 through 29. My RAH did the typical alcoholic things, drinking, gambling, other woman, the whole nine yards. His wife did the typical codie things...... (insert codie things here)

Based on the stories that I have heard, he was a real son of a gun!!! I find this hard to believe based on the man that I know, but I believe the stories.

He finally left on his own .... he sold his prosperous company, retired, and moved out of state…. He drank through all of his money (and I guess there was quite a bit) he hit the skids, hit his bottom… Fast forward 6 years and he returns back to Chicago. He is poor, broke and humble we meet 2 weeks into his return. We had a great time for a few months, I though that he was just a FUN guy (DUH!!) until I realized that he had a drinking problem. I gave him the choice, me or the booze. He gave up the booze… It wasn’t easy for him, but he knew in his heart …. He was ready to quit and start living.

The point of this long post is that the relationship that my RAH has with his now grown children will bring tears to your eyes. It took a few years with the oldest child, and I don’t blame them for being a little skeptical of his sobriety, but my RAH worked at re-gaining their trust. They love, admire, respect him after all that they have gone through. I honestly believe that if he had stayed and continued with the chaos and continued to put them all through HELL, they would not have the relationship that they now enjoy. He can’t wait to have grandchildren so he can be the proud papa. He even has a healthy relationship with his former wife and her new husband.

I know that I did not cause him to stop drinking. (Insert the 3 C's here)
He was ready… he hit his bottom.

There is a time for everything....

Colleen

laketime

I like parent , reccommend al anon, or nar anon. I also think the book by Melodie Beatie " Co dependent No More is a good start.

BigSis

A little "White Knight" shining through? I'm a wife, but I can say I've been there... and boy howdy!

Most of us have had to learn the stuff we know by DOING it... by walking through it. Even after everything we read here... many of us had to experience the pain (enormous pain, in many cases) before we changed our behaviors.

You sound like you are in that position.

So are most active addicts. They have to walk through it themselves, no matter what they may "know" or what they are "told".

Have you tried any open AA or open NA meetings? How about AA speaker tapes/cds? (you can google that term)

It hit me like a ton of bricks to hear the SOBER alcoholics giving thanks and expressing gratitude .... to the ones who finally said NO!

To the ones who said "no". To the ones who stopped being ok with the drinking/drugging. To the ones who kicked them out. To the ones who turned them out. To the ones who closed their wallets.


THAT is who the sober addicts and alcoholics say they appreciate.


So I had to look at what I was doing... providing food, a home, a dry bed, clean clothes to my addicts so that ALL they had to do was get their drugs... then ALL their needs were being met.

My part in the addiction is/was far larger than I ever imagined.


I wish you well.

Wascally Wabbit

I believe what doingwell said. When the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.
It's your life and your feelings and your choice.

In my experience though, all the addicts in my life never benefited one bit from me always being there for them.

In fact, they got worse.
They got worse because they never had to fall very hard because I was always there to pick them up. In the end, I was the one who suffered the most both emotionally and financially.

On the other hand, if your wife recognizes she has a problem, well, that's the first step! Could you suggest a counselor or a pastor for both of you to go to? She must be willing to admit she has a problem, or she might think every one is ganging up on her.

She certianly is fortunate to have a loving caring person like you in her life.

guineapigjude

Ghost ~ First, welcome to SR. There are a lot of folks here who understand and who will share their wisdom and experience.
Second, there is nothing you can do to give your wife that one last push ~ nothing you can try, nothing you can force, or beg or anything else. You are powerless over her addiction. You can't slay the dragon, because it isn't your dragon.
Finally, you can focus on you. Take the great advice that went before me ~ read, get to meetings, educate yourself. You need to keep yourself healthy and focused on what you can change.
Good luck and keep posting ~ I'll be praying for you and your wife.

dollydo

Welcome,

Unfortunately, the only person you can change is you...the only person you can control is you. You cannot love a person out of addiction, if we codies could, none of us would be here posting.

Cocaine is the white devil, it is a powerful mind altering drug....and addiction has no cure, she will always be an addict, it is just a matter of whether she is active or not.

She has to decide, what does she want. Active addiction or soberity, it is her choice, hers alone. When she is ready, she will seek a strong recovery program, she will follow through, until then, it will be the same old, over and over again.

In the meantime, work on you, your life....it is the only answer, for you.

ghost057

Ive talked to her about it. My new approach lately is more of the not telling her what to do, but give recommendations by trying not to push her away. She says she wants help...but that is all it it, shes not trying to get help. We are currently separated. She sends me the usual, i love you messages and stuff like that, and tells me hows shes going to change when she comes back. I told her not to come home until she is truly changed. It hurt like hell to tell her that, but after reading all of these post, its the only hope i have. If what hurts, will make you stronger, then I should come out of this looking like Arnold Shrartzneigher. I think i spelled it right. All I can hope for is everything works out. Im out of tears. I only cry in my dreams now.

DoingWell

I remember oh so well the heartache I felt for myself and my kids when days would pass and he would just use our house as a motel. It felt very personal and it was only through going through the motions that I came to truly understanding how crack completely gripped my xhb.
Over the last few years I get very different opinions on how I handled things. Some people tell me I just abandoned him and didn't give him the time enough, others tell me I did the right thing, what matters is how I feel today. I do not feel guilty over divorcing him, even with 15 months clean too much damage was done and I never regained the trust needed to go forward in the relationship. As my friend and the father of my children I trust him completely because I have removed all the attachments of his addiction. I grieved and moved on and went through my own changes (some good, some not so good)
One thing I learned is that even though people mean well with advice, you can't PUSH yourself to walk away, you'll do what you need to do when you are ready to do it. You said you told your wife not to come home until she changes.. and if you really mean that it's great, but just bare in mind that it may not be realistic for any addict to just "change", sometimes just the willingness to change is acceptable, change in all addicts takes a LOT of time and happens gradually. Set boundaries that are realistic and healthy, not rigid and painful.
There are no rules in this, there is no book, no right, no wrong, you have to follow your heart and keep your mind and heart open to a lot of changes you will go through yourself. There will be days when you are strong in your resolve and days where you question yourself and wonder if you made the right choices. All perfectly normal and part of the process.
One of the most powerful things I heard in Alanon was how everyone of us has the ability to love someoene else to death. I never wanted to believe that, but it is very true.

ghost057

If my wife does go and get help like shes says. When is it time to let her come home? Im just asking this because i am pretty sure alot of youll have had you significant others say they are going to make the change, they come home, and the nitemare starts all over.

Momsrainbow

You sound almost like me. I am not the one to give much advise-look where I am-but in a better place. Like this site says-read the stickys, Especially the latest post. Like you-I would not give up-thought I was helping, Wrong, dead wrong. Promises, lies and the pain is not something you need or deserve. Took me a long time to finally "get it". You have to let her alone-completely. I know how hard it is for you! She will either sink or swim. Don't be a hardhead like I was-do what is best for you!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally did and if I can do it-you most certainly can.

BrokenBridges24

Wow, This is a really hard situation. But you know what as much as is hurts you deserve love. You deserve someone to love you the way you love her. You are just as important as she is. You deserve to be loved and have someone be by your side as you walk through life.

You know what I say about the addicts in my life...You can not hold water in your hands. You can try and try but it will eventually slip through your fingers. The best thing for you… is to take care of you. To love her enough to let her go where the addiction part is concerned. You can not police her or make her change until she is ready. You will kill whatever is left of the love you have for her trying to save her from this addiction. And as the old saying goes : If you love something set it free if it comes back you it is yours but if not it was never meant to be. Tell her she has to move forward. It is time. If she resists to get in a program and get clean then you need to think how long do you live in limbo waiting for the change to occur.

In the mean time… (((HUGS)))

-Broken