Resentments
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 48
Resentments
I am having a difficult time with resentment. I seem to resent anyone who views my AS in a negative way. No matter if the things he does are wrong.
Being his mother I always feel hurt when someone speaks negatively about my son. As some of you may know my son caused quite a stir a couple of weeks ago.
My husband was away during this week on vacation with his kids and family. My brother told him what had transpired with my AS and my husband is now mad at my son. My son is about to be evicted from his apt on 9/30 and he will have to go live with his gf's family. He doesn't like her mother and her sisters.
My husband will not let him live with us and I feel resentment towards him for that. I know I am messed up and need to stop protecting my son.
I guess because I was a single mother and my son's father never had a relationship with my son I feel the need to protet him from everyone.
I just wish I could find some peace. I went to a meeting the other night and felt pretty good when I came home. I am just really struggling with things.
I can't seem to detach myself from the situation. My son claims that he is not using. I don't know whether to believe him or not.
Sorry for rambling. I am not in a very good state of mind right now. Any suggestions?
Being his mother I always feel hurt when someone speaks negatively about my son. As some of you may know my son caused quite a stir a couple of weeks ago.
My husband was away during this week on vacation with his kids and family. My brother told him what had transpired with my AS and my husband is now mad at my son. My son is about to be evicted from his apt on 9/30 and he will have to go live with his gf's family. He doesn't like her mother and her sisters.
My husband will not let him live with us and I feel resentment towards him for that. I know I am messed up and need to stop protecting my son.
I guess because I was a single mother and my son's father never had a relationship with my son I feel the need to protet him from everyone.
I just wish I could find some peace. I went to a meeting the other night and felt pretty good when I came home. I am just really struggling with things.
I can't seem to detach myself from the situation. My son claims that he is not using. I don't know whether to believe him or not.
Sorry for rambling. I am not in a very good state of mind right now. Any suggestions?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
We see the person, they see the addict.
I have had to separate the two in my head - in fact, it happened so gently, I wasn't aware that I HAD already done that.
What I found is that "earth People" (normies) will NEVER understand addiction, and it is a waste of my breath and time to try to "make" them see.
I do make comments about separating the addiction from the person, like - "I know what you mean, I hate what addiction is doing in her life; but of course I will always love the girl beneath the addiction." That validates the very real pain that she has caused without invalidating the love I still hold for her.
Lots of Meetings... lots and lots of meetings, have helped me to have folks I CAN call when I am upset - so I don't have to lean on those "earth people" who just can never understand.
(((hugs)))
I have had to separate the two in my head - in fact, it happened so gently, I wasn't aware that I HAD already done that.
What I found is that "earth People" (normies) will NEVER understand addiction, and it is a waste of my breath and time to try to "make" them see.
I do make comments about separating the addiction from the person, like - "I know what you mean, I hate what addiction is doing in her life; but of course I will always love the girl beneath the addiction." That validates the very real pain that she has caused without invalidating the love I still hold for her.
Lots of Meetings... lots and lots of meetings, have helped me to have folks I CAN call when I am upset - so I don't have to lean on those "earth people" who just can never understand.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I just wish I could find some peace. I went to a meeting the other night and felt pretty good when I came home.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((Stephensmom))))))))
I used to be just like you.
You haven't reached your rock bottom yet.
My husband is my children's stepfather. I felt that he would never feel
about my children, the way I do.
Don't get me wrong. He cares about them and will help them any way he can.
As long as he sees that they are also helping themselves, too.
There were a couple of times that we almost split up over my son's addiction.
My son had gotten to the point that he was taking things from the house to sell for
drug money. Then he broke in while we were on vacation.
I sent him to jail for 6 months.
Addiction turned my son into a stranger. That's who I had to deal with.
I had to see him as a stranger for a while.
I still loved him. I just had to learn how to detach.
There's alot to learn about enabling, addiction, detaching, and codependency.
Don't give up. Keep comin' back.
Sending prayers out to you and your family tonight.
Linda
I used to be just like you.
You haven't reached your rock bottom yet.
My husband is my children's stepfather. I felt that he would never feel
about my children, the way I do.
Don't get me wrong. He cares about them and will help them any way he can.
As long as he sees that they are also helping themselves, too.
There were a couple of times that we almost split up over my son's addiction.
My son had gotten to the point that he was taking things from the house to sell for
drug money. Then he broke in while we were on vacation.
I sent him to jail for 6 months.
Addiction turned my son into a stranger. That's who I had to deal with.
I had to see him as a stranger for a while.
I still loved him. I just had to learn how to detach.
There's alot to learn about enabling, addiction, detaching, and codependency.
Don't give up. Keep comin' back.
Sending prayers out to you and your family tonight.
Linda
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
The one thing I remind myself that helps me to step back is that the more I do for my child, the less opportunity she has to grow and to learn herself. Who am I to rob her of the opportunity to be an independent adult?
I also remind myself that with addiction, protecting can sometimes be fatal.
I also remind myself that with addiction, protecting can sometimes be fatal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 48
thank you everyone. It is just so hard. My husband is really fearful of him living with us. He doesn't want to take the chance of going through any more drama. I can't blame. I really don't want to deal with either. Besides the fact that my son has to be accountable for his actions and then next time he won't put himself in this situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Delaware
Posts: 201
(((stephensmom)))
Sorry you are going through this. All I have to offer is you as the set of parents just try to stick together as a team. When one goes one way and the other the other way... you will be fighting like cats and dogs. Stay on together as the team.
I am praying for you guys..
Broken
Sorry you are going through this. All I have to offer is you as the set of parents just try to stick together as a team. When one goes one way and the other the other way... you will be fighting like cats and dogs. Stay on together as the team.
I am praying for you guys..
Broken
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Stephensmom,
I had alot more to say last night, but it was late, and I was so tired. lol
I just wanted to add that your not alone. Every mom wants to protect her child.
Well, most that aren't mentally ill, nowadays. Sorry, another topic.
Anyway, I thought that my standing by and protecting my son from people who didn't "get it" about him, that he would surpass and surprise. You know...come out a winner in everyone's eyes. Then I could say, "see? All you had to do was stand behind him."
I wanted so badly for him to do that. It never happened.
I think with addiction, it's like you have to go through the same stages that you would, if someone had died. Not our child, God forbid, but someone that we once knew. This is probably not coming out right. lol
The five stages of grief are...
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Just change the death part, to that person not being around anymore.
When a person we love is addicted to drugs, they aren't the same person anymore.
It makes them someone else. So defending them, is like defending a stranger.
How many strangers do you feel that way about?
I know there are lots of people here that could explain this way better than I.
Ann, BigSis, Greet, and Cats. Just to name a few. Sorry, I can't think of all of them right now. You know who you are and I love you all.
These people, just by what they've learn and practice, keep me coming back and learning what I need to know for me. So that I can get well and really help my addicted son.
You are gonna feel so much better, once you let go.
Your gonna love this place and getting into meetings regularly and getting close to people who are living the same life as you are, is gonna make such a difference in your life. You'll wonder why you didn't start sooner.
Sending much love, prayers for strength, and hope for your son's recovery...
Linda
Just kidding.
You'll even be able to laugh, eventually.
I had alot more to say last night, but it was late, and I was so tired. lol
I just wanted to add that your not alone. Every mom wants to protect her child.
Well, most that aren't mentally ill, nowadays. Sorry, another topic.
Anyway, I thought that my standing by and protecting my son from people who didn't "get it" about him, that he would surpass and surprise. You know...come out a winner in everyone's eyes. Then I could say, "see? All you had to do was stand behind him."
I wanted so badly for him to do that. It never happened.
I think with addiction, it's like you have to go through the same stages that you would, if someone had died. Not our child, God forbid, but someone that we once knew. This is probably not coming out right. lol
The five stages of grief are...
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Just change the death part, to that person not being around anymore.
When a person we love is addicted to drugs, they aren't the same person anymore.
It makes them someone else. So defending them, is like defending a stranger.
How many strangers do you feel that way about?
I know there are lots of people here that could explain this way better than I.
Ann, BigSis, Greet, and Cats. Just to name a few. Sorry, I can't think of all of them right now. You know who you are and I love you all.
These people, just by what they've learn and practice, keep me coming back and learning what I need to know for me. So that I can get well and really help my addicted son.
You are gonna feel so much better, once you let go.
Your gonna love this place and getting into meetings regularly and getting close to people who are living the same life as you are, is gonna make such a difference in your life. You'll wonder why you didn't start sooner.
Sending much love, prayers for strength, and hope for your son's recovery...
Linda
Just kidding. You'll even be able to laugh, eventually.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Sometimes, not all the time, someone that I cared for "forced" me to let go just a bit, and the end result was that I eventually was able to see areas that I was unbending, and should have been more flexible. I say "sometimes" because there were certain areas that I HAD to work out myself, and strong arming me just made things worse.
But I can also add that often times what was underneath the resentments was fear. I often feared that when my son "got it" as I always believed he could, others would not be able to let go of the past. My biggest fear was that I would be forever pitted between loved ones and thier own resentments.
Only you know what you are able to do at the moment, and we all do our best. If its causing you stress, you mentioned that your son does have another option, even if he doesn't like it so much.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
But I can also add that often times what was underneath the resentments was fear. I often feared that when my son "got it" as I always believed he could, others would not be able to let go of the past. My biggest fear was that I would be forever pitted between loved ones and thier own resentments.
Only you know what you are able to do at the moment, and we all do our best. If its causing you stress, you mentioned that your son does have another option, even if he doesn't like it so much.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 48
Well my son has obligations to his two small children and his gf. Gf causes a lot of drama and that is another my husband don't want him to stay with us.
I guess I just feel like an alien sometimes.
My step son lives with us as well and my husband doesn't want his son exposed to any of the drama that may occur. I guess I can't blame him but it still hurts me.
I guess I just feel like an alien sometimes.
My step son lives with us as well and my husband doesn't want his son exposed to any of the drama that may occur. I guess I can't blame him but it still hurts me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Delaware
Posts: 201
Did you tell your hubby that? Did you tell him it makes you feel like an alien? I so know how that feels being a step parent. You know I honestly do not think they even know they are being that way to us. If you say it outloud to him in a calm loving manner you may be pleasantly surprised by the answer you get.
You two are a team. We went to this program once.. Maybe this will help... They called it "Give and Take." Think of it like this… there between you two is two packages and one package contains his dreams for the future and his wants and the other has yours. You both together have to pick only one package. You can not have both. You have to talk and work it out together so you both feel ok with the decision of who’s package is picked. Today it may be his and tomorrow it may be yours. But whatever decision you make, you have to make together as the team. He can not rip his out from under you without even talking to you because you would be hurt. He can not just say no. Your son can not come here if you hurt and are upset you have to tell him. Same for you...You can not just take your dreams and wants because he will feel hurt. Talk. Explain how you feel Stephensmom. Tell him why you feel as you do. He may be able to love you through this hard time. You guys are the couple.
It is hard. I feel bad for you. I really do. I do not have any wise words other then tell him how awful you feel. Allow him to love you through this time....
((((MAJOR HUG)))
-Broken
You two are a team. We went to this program once.. Maybe this will help... They called it "Give and Take." Think of it like this… there between you two is two packages and one package contains his dreams for the future and his wants and the other has yours. You both together have to pick only one package. You can not have both. You have to talk and work it out together so you both feel ok with the decision of who’s package is picked. Today it may be his and tomorrow it may be yours. But whatever decision you make, you have to make together as the team. He can not rip his out from under you without even talking to you because you would be hurt. He can not just say no. Your son can not come here if you hurt and are upset you have to tell him. Same for you...You can not just take your dreams and wants because he will feel hurt. Talk. Explain how you feel Stephensmom. Tell him why you feel as you do. He may be able to love you through this hard time. You guys are the couple.
It is hard. I feel bad for you. I really do. I do not have any wise words other then tell him how awful you feel. Allow him to love you through this time....
((((MAJOR HUG)))
-Broken
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