When is enough enough?
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi Ghost
I am so sorry you are expericing the problems and heartaches of loving an addict.
I know what it's like to love someone. I know what it's like to cry, beg, plead, pray, yet nothing works. I also know what it's like to always "be there" and never give up on an addict.
That said, ask me how far all this support, crying, begging, pleading, praying has gotten me? Obviously, not far or I wouldn't be writing this today.
The addict in my life is my 44-year-old son who is currently in prison not for drugs, but from the result of drug use, domestic violence.
I think it is admirable of you to "never give up" however, there just comes a time when you have to "let go, and let God" take over.
The longer you give your addict a soft place to land, the longer the disease will persist. At some point you just have to learn that this disease is bigger and stronger and more powerful than you or I, and the only thing that can help is the addict's will to get well.
You can spend your life trying, but until she is ready to surrender there isn't a thing you can do about it.
Best thing we all can do is move on and pray and pray that one day they will see the light, and will get the help they need.
Don't give up hope that one day she may come back to you.
Hugs, Devastated
I know what it's like to love someone. I know what it's like to cry, beg, plead, pray, yet nothing works. I also know what it's like to always "be there" and never give up on an addict.
That said, ask me how far all this support, crying, begging, pleading, praying has gotten me? Obviously, not far or I wouldn't be writing this today.
The addict in my life is my 44-year-old son who is currently in prison not for drugs, but from the result of drug use, domestic violence.
I think it is admirable of you to "never give up" however, there just comes a time when you have to "let go, and let God" take over.
The longer you give your addict a soft place to land, the longer the disease will persist. At some point you just have to learn that this disease is bigger and stronger and more powerful than you or I, and the only thing that can help is the addict's will to get well.
You can spend your life trying, but until she is ready to surrender there isn't a thing you can do about it.
Best thing we all can do is move on and pray and pray that one day they will see the light, and will get the help they need.
Don't give up hope that one day she may come back to you.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
not to be cliche, but I think you'll see the change -- I'm sure you're used to BROKEN PROMISES and it's hard to see her go through this alone. You're used to be there(now you feel useless) and she's used to having you there.
My abf left for rehab two weeks ago, partially for me. I've decided not to take his calls. I need to get healthy too, I'm tired of crying everyday. And he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and face this head on.
I hope when he comes home he'll be ready to start a new life, but I can't be certain. I ask myself the same questions. But I do know one thing, he will be forced to face & learn more w/out my assistance...then w/ my assistance. And I realize this does not mean I don't care, it means I care more!
In the meantime, I'm getting sleep, going to al-anon meetings, reading to better under his addiction, running...and getting back to healthy myself.
My abf left for rehab two weeks ago, partially for me. I've decided not to take his calls. I need to get healthy too, I'm tired of crying everyday. And he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and face this head on.
I hope when he comes home he'll be ready to start a new life, but I can't be certain. I ask myself the same questions. But I do know one thing, he will be forced to face & learn more w/out my assistance...then w/ my assistance. And I realize this does not mean I don't care, it means I care more!
In the meantime, I'm getting sleep, going to al-anon meetings, reading to better under his addiction, running...and getting back to healthy myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I understand your pain.
But what I hear from you is that your entire life is wrapped up in her addiction and I KNOW that the next question than is - how can it not be?
I am by NO MEANS finished with the power struggle of control over the addict. There is a deep grief that sets in when we realize how truly powerless we are- I do believe that eventually it is freeing- but it is also the loss of the dream. This is where the one day at a time comes into play.
I, too, have always been there for my abf. I prided myself on that in other relationships as well. I've learned with the addict that it is impossible to "be there" for them when they are in active addiction. I was in such denial for a long time. I believed everything he said that he was done. All the lies - they all amounted to an incredible well of resentment inside of me when I learned the truth. There is an awesome sticky I think in teh Loved Ones of Alcoholics that details the steps of detachment which has been an incredibly difficult concept for me to embrace and actually "get."
I could learn what it means but I couldn't feel it or practice it. It's about separating ourselves. In terms of a marriage I really couldn't imagine.
I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry for your pain and this is a great place to be.
But what I hear from you is that your entire life is wrapped up in her addiction and I KNOW that the next question than is - how can it not be?
I am by NO MEANS finished with the power struggle of control over the addict. There is a deep grief that sets in when we realize how truly powerless we are- I do believe that eventually it is freeing- but it is also the loss of the dream. This is where the one day at a time comes into play.
I, too, have always been there for my abf. I prided myself on that in other relationships as well. I've learned with the addict that it is impossible to "be there" for them when they are in active addiction. I was in such denial for a long time. I believed everything he said that he was done. All the lies - they all amounted to an incredible well of resentment inside of me when I learned the truth. There is an awesome sticky I think in teh Loved Ones of Alcoholics that details the steps of detachment which has been an incredibly difficult concept for me to embrace and actually "get."
I could learn what it means but I couldn't feel it or practice it. It's about separating ourselves. In terms of a marriage I really couldn't imagine.
I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry for your pain and this is a great place to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: maryland
Posts: 9
Thanks for all of your replies. I havent called her or anything. She writes. I just hope for the best, and thats all I can do. I have accepted the fact that I know I cant change her. I've been taking really good care of myself through all of this. I go to the gym, eat well. Before I wouldnt eat for days. I even started drinking heavily at one point, then I looked in the mirror and said, I cant do this to myself. I do admit, I started smoking cigarretts again though after quitting for two years. I need to work on that. If she does come back clean and sober, I know cant have her come back to some broken husband.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
I guess my next question is......have there been any good stories. I hear let them fall and get thereself together. After that, has anybody ever had a happy ending?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
If you're looking for success stories, just go here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/stories-recovery/
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Welcome, ghost!
It's very, very difficult to love an addict. We love them for the best that they are and we see light through the worse they can be. The question of "when is enough, enough" can only be answered by that person alone. You will know when "enough is enough" when it's enough for you. And that's what she will have to answer for herself. YOU have to realize when it's "enough" for YOU.
We can't control the addict's behavior, we can only control how much we allow that behavior to control us. It's all we have control of. Once you find yourself becoming nearly as sick either physically or mentally as your addict, you might say that is "enough". No one can tell you; you have to decide for yourself.
But I will tell you, after being on this journey for such a long time, when addiction is involved, do whatever it is you do for YOU and not for the addict! Nothing you do or don't do will make a difference to the addict; they will do what they do despite your actions. If you enjoy being taken along on such a tough ride, that is YOUR choice but if you make the decision to get off, that is when you make a healthy decision to take care of YOU. Fix yourself first and maybe, just maybe, you might be able to be there when she decides to take care of herself!
It's tough; no one will ever say different but the choice is YOURS just as her choice is HERS.
It's very, very difficult to love an addict. We love them for the best that they are and we see light through the worse they can be. The question of "when is enough, enough" can only be answered by that person alone. You will know when "enough is enough" when it's enough for you. And that's what she will have to answer for herself. YOU have to realize when it's "enough" for YOU.
We can't control the addict's behavior, we can only control how much we allow that behavior to control us. It's all we have control of. Once you find yourself becoming nearly as sick either physically or mentally as your addict, you might say that is "enough". No one can tell you; you have to decide for yourself.
But I will tell you, after being on this journey for such a long time, when addiction is involved, do whatever it is you do for YOU and not for the addict! Nothing you do or don't do will make a difference to the addict; they will do what they do despite your actions. If you enjoy being taken along on such a tough ride, that is YOUR choice but if you make the decision to get off, that is when you make a healthy decision to take care of YOU. Fix yourself first and maybe, just maybe, you might be able to be there when she decides to take care of herself!
It's tough; no one will ever say different but the choice is YOURS just as her choice is HERS.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 24
HI, first off I know how you feel. I asked myself this ? many times over the years with my AH. I will tell you what he told me about it. He said that "when in active addiction its impossible to love anyone" and that "there first love is the drug". Getting and using were all that mattered. Of course he admitted this to me after months of sobriety and was very disgusted and ashamed to have felt that way.
Who can argue with that one.
Who can argue with that one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
I'm very new at this too, Ghost. I want to believe that it will be better, and that my wife has a strong support system in place to help her, but I'm very guarded, especially after everything I've discovered about what she's done, and from all the posts, what to expect from an addict. We have 3 small children and I still can't get over the wanting or needing of something that compromises the welfare of them.
It's why I'm consistantly questioning everything she's doing(more in my thoughts than directly to her), even as she's taking her first steps to recovery. She TELLS me she knows what's at stake and this is too important to her to mess up. When I SEE it happen is when I'll really know if she's real about this.
Do I want that happy ending? More than almost anything. And if it means that we seperate but be terrific parents to our kids, so be it.
Maybe my situation is a little easier to deal with(!) because it's not just about me, but my kids. Knowing how I am(like yourself: not a quitter), I would probably be exactly where you're at.
I've read alot here, and it's definately helped to open my eyes and gain a better perspective on this. I hope, and sincerely pray, that this will come to pass for the very best for you and her.
Take it from a lone wolf(for the most part): You're definately not alone here. A big bear hug to ya, amigo...
It's why I'm consistantly questioning everything she's doing(more in my thoughts than directly to her), even as she's taking her first steps to recovery. She TELLS me she knows what's at stake and this is too important to her to mess up. When I SEE it happen is when I'll really know if she's real about this.
Do I want that happy ending? More than almost anything. And if it means that we seperate but be terrific parents to our kids, so be it.
Maybe my situation is a little easier to deal with(!) because it's not just about me, but my kids. Knowing how I am(like yourself: not a quitter), I would probably be exactly where you're at.
I've read alot here, and it's definately helped to open my eyes and gain a better perspective on this. I hope, and sincerely pray, that this will come to pass for the very best for you and her.
Take it from a lone wolf(for the most part): You're definately not alone here. A big bear hug to ya, amigo...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 42
(((Hugs)))
I am with my AAH still, his DOC is cocaine too. All I can say and I'm sure it's already been said is take care of yourself. Once you take care of yourself and you are healthy the rest will fall into place. I'm working on this I don't have it yet but I'm getting there. My saving grace has been boundaries/balance and meetings. If there isn't a Nar-anon mtg nearby there must be Al-anon. It works pretty much the same way and you know what an addict is an addict. It could be drugs, booze, gambling ect. It still has this insane grip on the one we love.
I am with my AAH still, his DOC is cocaine too. All I can say and I'm sure it's already been said is take care of yourself. Once you take care of yourself and you are healthy the rest will fall into place. I'm working on this I don't have it yet but I'm getting there. My saving grace has been boundaries/balance and meetings. If there isn't a Nar-anon mtg nearby there must be Al-anon. It works pretty much the same way and you know what an addict is an addict. It could be drugs, booze, gambling ect. It still has this insane grip on the one we love.
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