my fiance is addicted to coke!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 23
cassmeister,
I consider myself lucky because my RAH is clean for the moment and has been for nearly 2 years.
I though too that the man that would search hard and long for the ring or any particular attention would be back once the drugs are out of the equation. But it doesn't work like that. I know I sound harsh, but I really want you to see my reality. I'm one that choosed to stay. Can I tell you I regret? No, because I assume my choice, however, I regret the many years I lost taking care of him. I fear everyday a relapse. At time, I hate him because he can still be so selfish. I'm sad when I do activities with both my kids and he is not there because he doesn't feel like it. Somewhat drugs killed a part of him too. He barely have any confidence anymore and I know he still feel guilty for it.
I'm not even sure I will ever find the strenght in my heart to forgive completely. Since I'm stronger then I use to be when I stand up to him he gets angry. I refuse to be the giver forever. Don't misunderdtang me, I still love him dearly, but I love me even more.
Wish you the best.
I consider myself lucky because my RAH is clean for the moment and has been for nearly 2 years.
I though too that the man that would search hard and long for the ring or any particular attention would be back once the drugs are out of the equation. But it doesn't work like that. I know I sound harsh, but I really want you to see my reality. I'm one that choosed to stay. Can I tell you I regret? No, because I assume my choice, however, I regret the many years I lost taking care of him. I fear everyday a relapse. At time, I hate him because he can still be so selfish. I'm sad when I do activities with both my kids and he is not there because he doesn't feel like it. Somewhat drugs killed a part of him too. He barely have any confidence anymore and I know he still feel guilty for it.
I'm not even sure I will ever find the strenght in my heart to forgive completely. Since I'm stronger then I use to be when I stand up to him he gets angry. I refuse to be the giver forever. Don't misunderdtang me, I still love him dearly, but I love me even more.
Wish you the best.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by cassmiester
but i'm not just going to walk out of his life and leave him to rot. he's stranded right now, i know that he is. i know that he needs help. i understand that he has to want it first... but leaving him to die is not an option!
I wonder how he managed to live before you came into his life, I guess he was dead and you brought him back....
Do my words sound harsh? Sorry but, in a nut shell you are saying he does not have what it takes to get clean and you cannot allow him the dignity to come to the end of himself in his active addiction. You don't believe he is smart enough to do what needs to be done and you don't believe it is the voice of his addiction that is telling you all this good stuff about how much he needs you.
You need him to get clean naa I don't believe that for a minute cause your actions say to him that you will take care of his addiction for him. What a sucker you are...for his addition. His addiction will show you who is boss.
I am what is known as a "double winner" I was addicted to drugs and alcohol and after I got clean I became addicted (God) to alcoholics and addicts. I could not, would not believe that what I was going was just as harmful to me and them as what they were doing...
So you need him to be clean? Why don't you take a step or two back from him and see if he can make a choice to live...understand the power of free will and that God himself respects this in human beings. Addiction is a cunning demon it lulls the real self to sleep. If you were in your right mind you would never put up with this cr@p... truly the people here are speaking to you out of a love that you cannot even comprehend right now. We know where you are cause we have been there....
Prayers going out that you will get it before it is too late....it is possible to "love" someone to death. It is not love but, your own addiction to him that you are experiencing right now. been there done that X's 5....
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome to sr, the addict in my life is my husband of 21 yrs. i too am a recovering addict and i do agree with the others. there is nothing you can do to help him outside of helping yourself. i too came here on the verge of insanity trying to find a way to help my husband only to find that he has to want to help himself. i'm eternally grateful for these caring people here, they helped to save my sanity. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kalamazoo, MI
Posts: 69
good advice
Hi Cass,
Thank you for your post. I needed to re-read all of these posts today! I've stayed with my abf for three years - through 3 differenty types of re-hab. You don't have to feel guilty or defensive for wanting to stay with him. Al-anon helps me stop, look & listen to the reality of the situation. "Do I want to be in this relationship at this moment ('cause I can't count on it changing - ever)?" Other than the drugs, my abf & I are very compatible. When he's sober for 30 days, I adore him. Al-anon has helped me stay sane in the face of insanity. It has helped me deliberately choose to stay - or not. Al-anon is your ally.
When my abf is using, I won't see or speak to him. That keeps me sane, strong and healthy. He's a professionally and financially successful man that many people envy. He's also been an addicted drug user for 20+ years. He lies, manipulates, whines, tantrums and verbally attacks. Just keeping me healthy thru this takes so much energy!
I wish you the best & encourage you to read these posts. It's good advice. I'm right in there with you. HUGS!!
Thank you for your post. I needed to re-read all of these posts today! I've stayed with my abf for three years - through 3 differenty types of re-hab. You don't have to feel guilty or defensive for wanting to stay with him. Al-anon helps me stop, look & listen to the reality of the situation. "Do I want to be in this relationship at this moment ('cause I can't count on it changing - ever)?" Other than the drugs, my abf & I are very compatible. When he's sober for 30 days, I adore him. Al-anon has helped me stay sane in the face of insanity. It has helped me deliberately choose to stay - or not. Al-anon is your ally.
When my abf is using, I won't see or speak to him. That keeps me sane, strong and healthy. He's a professionally and financially successful man that many people envy. He's also been an addicted drug user for 20+ years. He lies, manipulates, whines, tantrums and verbally attacks. Just keeping me healthy thru this takes so much energy!
I wish you the best & encourage you to read these posts. It's good advice. I'm right in there with you. HUGS!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: shiloh, ga
Posts: 17
i'm crying right now because i'm so confused. i feel like i'm being beat up for choosing to see this through with him.
my choice not to leave him is not indicative of anything but my committment to my fiance. it does not mean that i think that he's not "smart enough to do what needs to be done..."
i feel that i'm being insulted for choosing to stand by him. i know that in this day and age, it's so easy just to walk away when things get hard, but when i promised him forever, i meant it!
i came into this forum hoping to find support and answers and i've been greeted with skepticism and advice to run from the problem, not to mention that one accusation that i'm "not in my right mind".
i realize that it's his problem, not mine... but i'm choosing to make it my problem because i love him and i want to do whatever i can to help him. telling him that i don't care anymore wouldn't do anything but push him farther in.
this forum is not what i thought it would be.
my choice not to leave him is not indicative of anything but my committment to my fiance. it does not mean that i think that he's not "smart enough to do what needs to be done..."
i feel that i'm being insulted for choosing to stand by him. i know that in this day and age, it's so easy just to walk away when things get hard, but when i promised him forever, i meant it!
i came into this forum hoping to find support and answers and i've been greeted with skepticism and advice to run from the problem, not to mention that one accusation that i'm "not in my right mind".
i realize that it's his problem, not mine... but i'm choosing to make it my problem because i love him and i want to do whatever i can to help him. telling him that i don't care anymore wouldn't do anything but push him farther in.
this forum is not what i thought it would be.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
Sorry you have not found this forum what you expected. I can say for me, I am still here for me, my recovery. I have that Let Go, attitude, as I know I cannot save any of the addicts in my life. It is their problem, and, their problem to resolve, you unfortunately cannot help him, you can only help yourself...that's the bottom line.
I would suggest that you print this thread out, put it in an envelope, seal it, and put an open date on it....like a year from today....reread it, and see where you are in your life with him, you may be 100% right and others who have posted may be 100% wrong,that includes me, although I doubt it, yet, I do believe in miracles.
Maybe there is a miracle in his and your life.
Sorry you have not found this forum what you expected. I can say for me, I am still here for me, my recovery. I have that Let Go, attitude, as I know I cannot save any of the addicts in my life. It is their problem, and, their problem to resolve, you unfortunately cannot help him, you can only help yourself...that's the bottom line.
I would suggest that you print this thread out, put it in an envelope, seal it, and put an open date on it....like a year from today....reread it, and see where you are in your life with him, you may be 100% right and others who have posted may be 100% wrong,that includes me, although I doubt it, yet, I do believe in miracles.
Maybe there is a miracle in his and your life.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by cassmiester
telling him that i don't care anymore wouldn't do anything but push him farther in.
this forum is not what i thought it would be.
this forum is not what i thought it would be.
What we really want to say I think is take care of yourself. All the energy you are giving to your guy defending him this is the leak that will drain you.
I truly hope that 10 years from now you will not be regretting the day you met him. You might want to ask why his family has nothing to do with him and all his friends are addicts?
We get as sick as they are even sicker by trying to be there for them...I am sure everyone who has replied to your post has been where you are. My guess is that you will one day get tired of being there for him and you will be back hopefully.
One thing I have found about men in general is that they like to have to work to please a woman if they are hurting you with their behavior and we just let them they will loose respect for us. When we allow that to happen our hearts will be taken advantage of. No man wants to be pitied but, addiction will use pity to get what it wants which is to destroy love... and any thing else in it's path...
I think telling an addict that I am sick of their stuff and having the actions to back it up is one of the kindest things I can do for them and me.
Tying to get them to see how much I care and want them to be clean seems to me to push them deeper into their addiction and me too. I have 3 siblings and a Husband who are all crack addicts each and everyone of them has responded to my hope, love and care for them by falling deeper into their addiction. Cause addiction consumes love and spits it out and stomps on it too.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Hi Cass, I guess the reason so many on here seem kind of pessimistic is that many of us have tried all we could and been hurt so much by addicts that just would not quit using their drug of choice. The people here are just trying to save you from potential heartache.
If you are determined to try and work on this relationship, I suggest that you learn everything you can about addiction. Here is the link to Hazeldon treatment center-they are one of the most famous in the world and they have lots of things for friends and family to read.
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/resforfamily.page
Reading 'codependent no more" by Melody Beattie will help with learning about your part in the relationship with someone who has a substance abuse problem. It has been in print for 20 years because it is such a classic on the subject.
Hugs, Lisa
If you are determined to try and work on this relationship, I suggest that you learn everything you can about addiction. Here is the link to Hazeldon treatment center-they are one of the most famous in the world and they have lots of things for friends and family to read.
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/resforfamily.page
Reading 'codependent no more" by Melody Beattie will help with learning about your part in the relationship with someone who has a substance abuse problem. It has been in print for 20 years because it is such a classic on the subject.
Hugs, Lisa
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
(((Cass)))
All of these posts are very good advice. My ah has been sober for 10 yrs. He was in active addiction for the first 27 years of our marriage.
My as and ad have been in active addiction for more than 10 years each. Sometimes we get even more than we bargained for when we marry into addiction.
It would be so much easier I know to read about some great cure that would make our addicts healthy and whole, but there isn't. Hard to take, I know, but true.
Keep coming back and take care of you.
_________________
Trish
All of these posts are very good advice. My ah has been sober for 10 yrs. He was in active addiction for the first 27 years of our marriage.
My as and ad have been in active addiction for more than 10 years each. Sometimes we get even more than we bargained for when we marry into addiction.
It would be so much easier I know to read about some great cure that would make our addicts healthy and whole, but there isn't. Hard to take, I know, but true.
Keep coming back and take care of you.
_________________
Trish
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Cassie,
I am very sorry you feel the way you do... as far as our responses to your posts. Please understand that we were giving you advice out of concern for your well being, as most of us are learning to take care of ourselves first and foremost. We were not trying to insult you in any way, nor were we trying to be critical. Even the posts that come out sounding harsh are only that way because the people who write them want to see you happy, without having to reinvent the wheel. I think most, if not all of us were just wanting you to learn from our mistakes and spare yourself the pain.
No one wants to force you to leave him... that is entirely up to you. No matter what you end up doing, I hope you continue to come here so we can all support each other together.
*hugs and prayers*
I am very sorry you feel the way you do... as far as our responses to your posts. Please understand that we were giving you advice out of concern for your well being, as most of us are learning to take care of ourselves first and foremost. We were not trying to insult you in any way, nor were we trying to be critical. Even the posts that come out sounding harsh are only that way because the people who write them want to see you happy, without having to reinvent the wheel. I think most, if not all of us were just wanting you to learn from our mistakes and spare yourself the pain.
No one wants to force you to leave him... that is entirely up to you. No matter what you end up doing, I hope you continue to come here so we can all support each other together.
*hugs and prayers*
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Sorry you feel attacked. I felt that way too at first. Took me three more years of my life to wake up. Well, I am sometimes a slow learner I guess. 
No one says not to care. What we are saying is to put more focus on you and liking you.
Dolly's idea is the most excellent. Sending you to Hazelden is excellent.
Gosh dang I gotta tell ya that if we are all wrong then that would be just GREAT. I would love to be wrong about this, but all of our experiences tell us we are not....
But keep posting girl. We are an honest lot here and you may not like us right now, but we already love you in ways you may not understand right now.
No one says not to care. What we are saying is to put more focus on you and liking you.
Dolly's idea is the most excellent. Sending you to Hazelden is excellent.
Gosh dang I gotta tell ya that if we are all wrong then that would be just GREAT. I would love to be wrong about this, but all of our experiences tell us we are not....
But keep posting girl. We are an honest lot here and you may not like us right now, but we already love you in ways you may not understand right now.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 145
Originally Posted by cassmeister 
thanks everyone for the advice...
you just told me everything i already knew that i've been trying to avoid.
i can't just abandon him. i love him too much... i'm the only person in the world who is there for him. his family ignores him. his friends are all addicts. there's nobody else he can turn to. the guilt would consume me if i just left him to sink!
i know that i can't marry him this way, i know that we'll never be truely happy this way, but i can't just step aside and let him die! i have to do something!!!
he's my whole world...
he once told me that i'm the only bright spot in his life! he told me that he's happiest with me. i'm a giver by nature... it's not just in my relationship with him... it's in my relationship with anyone!! i know that i can't possibly be strong enough for both of us forever... but there is no way that i can just walk away from someone who needs help... especially not someone i love so much!!!
you just told me everything i already knew that i've been trying to avoid.
i can't just abandon him. i love him too much... i'm the only person in the world who is there for him. his family ignores him. his friends are all addicts. there's nobody else he can turn to. the guilt would consume me if i just left him to sink!
i know that i can't marry him this way, i know that we'll never be truely happy this way, but i can't just step aside and let him die! i have to do something!!!
he's my whole world...
he once told me that i'm the only bright spot in his life! he told me that he's happiest with me. i'm a giver by nature... it's not just in my relationship with him... it's in my relationship with anyone!! i know that i can't possibly be strong enough for both of us forever... but there is no way that i can just walk away from someone who needs help... especially not someone i love so much!!!
Cass you just definied me! My BF's DOC is also Coke. I am his end all as well. He has (I do admit it as being true) been dealt a rough hand in life so far, but he has been using it as a crutch for too long. I also cast a blind eye and tried to make the situation better by dealing with his problems, but that honestly gets you no where. I hit my rock bottom with him last week. With the help and reassurance of the people that I have "spoken" with on here, I have learned to be stronger and face his and my own demons. We are working through his problems now as he has agreed to treatment and has taken some steps in the right direction. Be grateful that you live seperate, as we do not and it makes it harder being I can't sit still at home worrying if he's in another room getting high. I am also a giver, but hun, there is only so much one human being can take. The only way to help him is first to help yourself.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. x0x0
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 34
I know how you feel...whether or not i will stand by my Abf changes every day...2 years ago i was firm that i'd see him through... Now i'm not so certain. I can tell you that love shouldn't hurt this bad. I don't know what will help or make me stronger...i'm trying al-anon, i've tried everything. nothing makes me feel, stronger, better or less broken other than dreaming and imagining everything will be better some day... He's been in rehab for 30 days now...moving to a halfway house. Will he cheat on me - history tells me yes. Will he use - history tells me yes. will he lie and manipulate - history tells me yes. my heart says no. The truth sucks. everyone is here to speak the truth and lean on each other. you and i are stuck in our dreams....and i hope yours comes true. Our dreams haven't. Everyone is speaking out of their shared reality. Don't take it harshly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: shiloh, ga
Posts: 17
will moving far away help?
he has agreed that we should move to Boston and be near the other side of his family!
his mom is buying a house, and instead of selling the apartment she owns, she offered it to us. it's far from my family, but i'll do anything to help him. i already checked it out and i have really great job opportunities there... it's not like i'll be totally friendless... i'm really close with his sister and i meet people fairly easily!
tell me what you think...
he has agreed that we should move to Boston and be near the other side of his family!
his mom is buying a house, and instead of selling the apartment she owns, she offered it to us. it's far from my family, but i'll do anything to help him. i already checked it out and i have really great job opportunities there... it's not like i'll be totally friendless... i'm really close with his sister and i meet people fairly easily!
tell me what you think...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Simply put, NO, bad idea....it is called isolation, part of the control addicts manipulate codies into. You will go deeper into the abyss of his addiction. He will not stop using because he is nearer his family, there are drugs everywhere and an addict can sniff them out in a blink of the eye.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Moving is a common desparate tactic addicts try. Within a week he will have drugs in the new location. Addicts are better than K-9's at finding drugs.
My XABF movved from NY to LA.. and was a drug addict in LA too. He now says he is moving to Philly.. and god knows if he has or has not... I don't really care as long as he is not around me. There are lots of drugs in Philly.. so if he is moving there it may be because he has found a better way to grow the stuff.. or a cheaper source of coke.. or something.
I know this is all real hard for you. It really is. I would suggest that if he wants to move, that he does and you stay where you are for a year. At the end of a year if you are still wanting to be with this man, and he wants to be with you, then maybe y'all got a chance.. but only if you both work on your recovery.
If love is real it will wait a year.
My XABF movved from NY to LA.. and was a drug addict in LA too. He now says he is moving to Philly.. and god knows if he has or has not... I don't really care as long as he is not around me. There are lots of drugs in Philly.. so if he is moving there it may be because he has found a better way to grow the stuff.. or a cheaper source of coke.. or something.
I know this is all real hard for you. It really is. I would suggest that if he wants to move, that he does and you stay where you are for a year. At the end of a year if you are still wanting to be with this man, and he wants to be with you, then maybe y'all got a chance.. but only if you both work on your recovery.
If love is real it will wait a year.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Either you are a part of the problem or a part of the solution.....
coke is a hard addiction because it is more mental than physical, they can go a couple of days without using sometimes longer, this helps if they are being drug tested because coke doesn't stay in the body longer than 3 days...
All the coke addicts I know are very good at manipulating, lying, and getting others to solve their problems for them. So he wants to go and live off of his mama he can then afford more dope...and take less responsibility for his life. Maybe your B/F is not a liar and a manipulator but, are you sure you know what it is to be manipulated. A symptom that I am now aware of that I am being manipulated is that I feel sorry for who ever. A symptom that I am being lied to is that I feel crazy and confused.
I think the only thing saving you right now is that you do not live with him.
What would you say to your very best friend, sister or, daughter if they were in your shoes? Can you see any patterns in the relationship you are in right now? Are there any repeating patterns in the relationships with men that you have been involved with in the past?
Have you read some of the other peoples stories here and seen any similarities in what is happening with you? There are not many here who have been successful in keeping the relationship together. Have you read any in the "Substance Abuse" forum here to see what other addicts are doing to get clean?
Are you trying to prove that everyone else is wrong about your relationship?
coke is a hard addiction because it is more mental than physical, they can go a couple of days without using sometimes longer, this helps if they are being drug tested because coke doesn't stay in the body longer than 3 days...
All the coke addicts I know are very good at manipulating, lying, and getting others to solve their problems for them. So he wants to go and live off of his mama he can then afford more dope...and take less responsibility for his life. Maybe your B/F is not a liar and a manipulator but, are you sure you know what it is to be manipulated. A symptom that I am now aware of that I am being manipulated is that I feel sorry for who ever. A symptom that I am being lied to is that I feel crazy and confused.
I think the only thing saving you right now is that you do not live with him.
What would you say to your very best friend, sister or, daughter if they were in your shoes? Can you see any patterns in the relationship you are in right now? Are there any repeating patterns in the relationships with men that you have been involved with in the past?
Have you read some of the other peoples stories here and seen any similarities in what is happening with you? There are not many here who have been successful in keeping the relationship together. Have you read any in the "Substance Abuse" forum here to see what other addicts are doing to get clean?
Are you trying to prove that everyone else is wrong about your relationship?
Last edited by splendra; 08-09-2007 at 06:54 AM.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
Hi Cass;
Of course you love and want to help him. But he is going to get well on his time, not yours, and that may be years.
Trust me, if loving our addicts and being supportive of them would lead them to sobriety, there would be no addicts left in the world --
Sadly, you cannot love someone into sobriety. Equally sadly, sometimes it takes a lot of heartache before we can give up trying to.
Truly helping the addicts we love is the opposite of everything we have ever been taught about love: It means letting them fall down, again and again, and not extending a hand to help them get up. Crazy, right? But the world of addiction IS crazy; reality is turned upside down and inside out, and not just for the addict, but for everyone who follows them down the rabbit hole.
hugs & hope for you--nitelite
Of course you love and want to help him. But he is going to get well on his time, not yours, and that may be years.
Trust me, if loving our addicts and being supportive of them would lead them to sobriety, there would be no addicts left in the world --
Sadly, you cannot love someone into sobriety. Equally sadly, sometimes it takes a lot of heartache before we can give up trying to.
Truly helping the addicts we love is the opposite of everything we have ever been taught about love: It means letting them fall down, again and again, and not extending a hand to help them get up. Crazy, right? But the world of addiction IS crazy; reality is turned upside down and inside out, and not just for the addict, but for everyone who follows them down the rabbit hole.
hugs & hope for you--nitelite
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
Stuggling also
I am still new here also. The people here have "been there-done that" from their own experiences. Not like family and friends who say we are crazy to love an addict, they don't have a clue. I think SR are the most fantastic group. They don't mean to seem harsh-just telling it "like it is"-no beating around the bush. No matter what you choice is-try to still with this site and post- a good place to vent without being condemned. I have an AH who loves his drug more than anything in the world-he said different. You will learn eventually-you cannot help him-he has to help himself. All the time I tried to help my AH-I was fueling(enabling) him with the drugs. When I tried to explain he needed help-he went further into drugs. So-he is with his druggie friends now!!!!! no longer living at home-WHICH IS A GOOD THING.
Moving to Boston I think is a bad idea!!!!!! Unlimited access to drugs!!!!!! Cocaine now-what next-they always get bored and want a higher plane. Being near his family-more people he has to enable him and he will hurt them.
Hang in there!!!!!!!!! Wishing you the best. LOL
Moving to Boston I think is a bad idea!!!!!! Unlimited access to drugs!!!!!! Cocaine now-what next-they always get bored and want a higher plane. Being near his family-more people he has to enable him and he will hurt them.
Hang in there!!!!!!!!! Wishing you the best. LOL
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