Newbie so angry...!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 47
Newbie so angry...!!
Hi, I am new here. I try not to make this too long. I guess the reason I am positing here is that I feel very alone and lonely. And, if I keep this to myself any longer, I feel like I am going crazy…
I just broke up with my ex who has been an addict for many years. To make a long story short, he dumped me. He basically dropped me as I was taking a little break from the relationship. I guess he found out that this “little break” was actually a great convenience for him… No phone calls to check up on him, No one asking him whether or not if he used today, No commitment what so ever, etc. So, he made the break permanent.
What I find most difficult is the anger I feel. I have this raging anger toward him & his selfish way, and to certain degree, toward myself. I feel cheated, lied to, and taken advantages of. How could he just drop me when I was the one who was fed up with him? How could he treat someone he claimed to love this way? Does he even have feelings? And, how did I take this s**t from him over and over?
Another thing I have a difficult time with, I guess, is my denial. I often wonder if it’s really his addiction that was the problem in the relationship. I know for sure he was using for most of the time we were together, and I know for sure that he has had serious problems with drugs and alcohol in past. But, for some weird reasons, parts of me think that I am the crazy one to think that his using was the problem and is the major reason for his bad behaviors. Maybe because he was always denying or minimizing his using and the last 6 months being 200 mi away from each other, I am just not sure how much his using was affecting him and his life. Or, maybe it is something to do with self-esteem, deep inside of me, I feel like I am not lovable, and that’s the reason he left, blah blah blah, just negative thoughts go on and on….
Has anyone experience these kind of thoughts? Or maybe I am going crazy? I was miserable with him, then I feel miserable without him. It seems like a lose-lose situation to me….
I just broke up with my ex who has been an addict for many years. To make a long story short, he dumped me. He basically dropped me as I was taking a little break from the relationship. I guess he found out that this “little break” was actually a great convenience for him… No phone calls to check up on him, No one asking him whether or not if he used today, No commitment what so ever, etc. So, he made the break permanent.
What I find most difficult is the anger I feel. I have this raging anger toward him & his selfish way, and to certain degree, toward myself. I feel cheated, lied to, and taken advantages of. How could he just drop me when I was the one who was fed up with him? How could he treat someone he claimed to love this way? Does he even have feelings? And, how did I take this s**t from him over and over?
Another thing I have a difficult time with, I guess, is my denial. I often wonder if it’s really his addiction that was the problem in the relationship. I know for sure he was using for most of the time we were together, and I know for sure that he has had serious problems with drugs and alcohol in past. But, for some weird reasons, parts of me think that I am the crazy one to think that his using was the problem and is the major reason for his bad behaviors. Maybe because he was always denying or minimizing his using and the last 6 months being 200 mi away from each other, I am just not sure how much his using was affecting him and his life. Or, maybe it is something to do with self-esteem, deep inside of me, I feel like I am not lovable, and that’s the reason he left, blah blah blah, just negative thoughts go on and on….
Has anyone experience these kind of thoughts? Or maybe I am going crazy? I was miserable with him, then I feel miserable without him. It seems like a lose-lose situation to me….
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Mskattie 
I am just not sure how much his using was affecting him and his life....
Has anyone experience these kind of thoughts?
Has anyone experience these kind of thoughts?
Or how much his using has been affecting ...Your life?
You have come to the right place... You are not alone and the many who come here that have had or still have the same feelings and thoughts will be by to say hello and share what they have found.
You have found a group that truly understands...Your not alone no more.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
I am new here also. Please read all the "stickys!!!!!! This is a great place. You will find more help here than you can imagine!!!!!!! Tons of patience and understanding here. All understand-they have been there and done that!!! HANG IN THERE!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Hi Mskattie, welcome to SR!
I had a relationship with a crack addict. I got so mad at him and kicked him out so many times-but I always took him back. sometimes I took him back the same night I kicked him out!
Finally I read this book I had heard about-"codependent no more" by Melody Beattie. it was then that I realized that I needed to distance myself from him and stick to it. I told him he had to find a new place to live and I kept on him about it. He finally did find a place with some of his coworkers. We were still seeing each other, though.
Well, then after a while he was not calling...and never home when I called...for like a month. I decided i was through with him. I was so mad and hurt!!!! I hated him, but at the same time I missed him!
deep down inside I knew I was better off without him, but i didn't realize it yet. After a month and a half, he started calling me again. I was so mad, i didn't want to see him. But I was starting to break down. I was starting to think maybe I could just see him sometimes and that would be OK.
It was then that I came here to SR. i posted here about it. I knew deep down it would be better for me not to see him anymore, but i felt weak when it came to him. It was hearing all these people who had been there telling me NO Don't see him RUN! that helped me to resist seeing him agian.
it has been about 6 months since I saw him last. I know he is still an active addict. I know now that I am so much BETTER off without him!!! If this guy was using most of the time when you were together, he is probably still using...and probably getting worse. Addiction tends to get worse over time.
He still calls, but I don't answer anymore. My anger helped me to not answer the phone. Now I don't feel so angry, I just don't think about him so much anymore.
you are not crazy-just human. In my opinion you are going to be glad some day if you stay away from him!
I had a relationship with a crack addict. I got so mad at him and kicked him out so many times-but I always took him back. sometimes I took him back the same night I kicked him out!
Finally I read this book I had heard about-"codependent no more" by Melody Beattie. it was then that I realized that I needed to distance myself from him and stick to it. I told him he had to find a new place to live and I kept on him about it. He finally did find a place with some of his coworkers. We were still seeing each other, though.
Well, then after a while he was not calling...and never home when I called...for like a month. I decided i was through with him. I was so mad and hurt!!!! I hated him, but at the same time I missed him!
deep down inside I knew I was better off without him, but i didn't realize it yet. After a month and a half, he started calling me again. I was so mad, i didn't want to see him. But I was starting to break down. I was starting to think maybe I could just see him sometimes and that would be OK.
It was then that I came here to SR. i posted here about it. I knew deep down it would be better for me not to see him anymore, but i felt weak when it came to him. It was hearing all these people who had been there telling me NO Don't see him RUN! that helped me to resist seeing him agian.
it has been about 6 months since I saw him last. I know he is still an active addict. I know now that I am so much BETTER off without him!!! If this guy was using most of the time when you were together, he is probably still using...and probably getting worse. Addiction tends to get worse over time.
He still calls, but I don't answer anymore. My anger helped me to not answer the phone. Now I don't feel so angry, I just don't think about him so much anymore.
you are not crazy-just human. In my opinion you are going to be glad some day if you stay away from him!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
He has given you a gift, the gift of regaining your self-esteem, your life. There is no life with an active user, there is no peace.
His first love is drugs. And yes, drugs were the primary reason the relationship did not work, everything else just pales itself beyond that.
Lots of great people here, keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
He has given you a gift, the gift of regaining your self-esteem, your life. There is no life with an active user, there is no peace.
His first love is drugs. And yes, drugs were the primary reason the relationship did not work, everything else just pales itself beyond that.
Lots of great people here, keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Mskattie,
Welcome to SR! You're definitely among friends here.
You aren't in a lose-lose situation.
It IS possible to detach from the addict and go on to live a happy, healthy life. The key, of course, is to put your needs first instead of the addicts. It takes practice...lots and lots of practice...but it most definitely CAN be done.
I hope you keep coming back. This site has been a true blessing in my life and I hope it is for you too.
Welcome, welcome, welcome aboard!!!!!
Welcome to SR! You're definitely among friends here.
You aren't in a lose-lose situation.
It IS possible to detach from the addict and go on to live a happy, healthy life. The key, of course, is to put your needs first instead of the addicts. It takes practice...lots and lots of practice...but it most definitely CAN be done.
I hope you keep coming back. This site has been a true blessing in my life and I hope it is for you too.
Welcome, welcome, welcome aboard!!!!!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi MsKattie - I hope you take the advice to read the "sticky" posts (permanent posts at the top of the forum) - they have much good, good information.
What I can tell you about MY anger is that it is almost ALWAYS a reaction to... fear. Fear of being unloved. Fear of being unloveable. Fear of being unheard. Fear of being discounted. Fear of being alone. Fear of being unwanted.
All those fears tend to come out as RAGE!!! And it hurts those around me and it hurts me...but it seldom hurts the person who triggered those feelings in me.
What I can do that helps is to journal about it. When was the last time I felt those fears? When was the first time I felt those fears? Who was involved? What did they do? How did I react?
Just writing about them helps clarify, for me, the parts over which I can make changes or have insight - that may not REALLY have anything at all to do with the person today who hurt me.
Having the power to figure out where the fear originates, and helping myself feel better DESPITE the "other person" is very powerful... and you don't need them around to accomplish this.
I hope you can stay and read a bit... and post again to let us know how you are doing.
((hugs))
Welcome to SR!
What I can tell you about MY anger is that it is almost ALWAYS a reaction to... fear. Fear of being unloved. Fear of being unloveable. Fear of being unheard. Fear of being discounted. Fear of being alone. Fear of being unwanted.
All those fears tend to come out as RAGE!!! And it hurts those around me and it hurts me...but it seldom hurts the person who triggered those feelings in me.
What I can do that helps is to journal about it. When was the last time I felt those fears? When was the first time I felt those fears? Who was involved? What did they do? How did I react?
Just writing about them helps clarify, for me, the parts over which I can make changes or have insight - that may not REALLY have anything at all to do with the person today who hurt me.
Having the power to figure out where the fear originates, and helping myself feel better DESPITE the "other person" is very powerful... and you don't need them around to accomplish this.
I hope you can stay and read a bit... and post again to let us know how you are doing.
((hugs))
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
mskattie,welcome to S.R., you are not alone anymore.we have all been where you are. read all the stickys at the top of the forum.read all the posts by other wifes & girlfriends & you will realize you are blessed that he left you. i am sure you do not feel like that now but as you work your recovery you will see all the pain you will be spared.keep coming back & know we care & are here for you.prayers for you & him too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
You probably haven't heard the last of him. Our addicts tend to return to the scene of the crime when things get tough for them. Especially if we're the least bit sympathetic to them.
In the meanwhile count your blessings and you decide what you want in your life, if and when he gets back in touch.
__________________
Trish
In the meanwhile count your blessings and you decide what you want in your life, if and when he gets back in touch.
__________________
Trish
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. My daughter is my addict and yes, I have had the rage that you speak of. The feelings of being betrayed and used by someone who I love and trust. Sometimes the anger is useful if it helps you to detach from your addicted loved one. It took me a long time to realize the things my daughter does is because she is an addict. It is not personal and I am no longer surprised at what is happening to her. Addiction is progressive and always gets worse unless the addict wants recovery. Things we do for them just stand in the way of them hitting their bottom. I know how hard it is to let go and believe that God has a better way. Hopefully your boyfriend is serious about the breakup. I know that sounds cold, but many addicts come running back to their ex's because they find that when no one else is available they will go to the person who has enabled them in the past. You are better off without him in your life. You need to start loving the person who is most important in your life and that person is you. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing.
I do not feel qualified to give advice simply because I am not at a significantly strong place in my recovery at the moment.
My abf was a heroin user. After being together for almost a year- he began to use again. My life spiraled out of control until, like the addict, I was not living, just barely existing.
For me, looking back, I realize that my inability to detach was largely dependent on my inability to separate myself from his disease. Even if I could SAY that it wasn't about me- I still, on some level, believed that if he REALLY loved me- if I was REALLY lovable than he wouldn't need to get high. Because I internalized this so much I began to believe I really was unlovable and my self-esteem sunk to a nearly unreachable level. I believed I deserved what was happening to me and felt powerless.
I also highly recommend reading Codependent No More- there is so much in there that will open up your eyes and help you separate their behavior from YOU and your self-worth. No one deserves to believe they are not entitled to happiness.
I do not feel qualified to give advice simply because I am not at a significantly strong place in my recovery at the moment.
My abf was a heroin user. After being together for almost a year- he began to use again. My life spiraled out of control until, like the addict, I was not living, just barely existing.
For me, looking back, I realize that my inability to detach was largely dependent on my inability to separate myself from his disease. Even if I could SAY that it wasn't about me- I still, on some level, believed that if he REALLY loved me- if I was REALLY lovable than he wouldn't need to get high. Because I internalized this so much I began to believe I really was unlovable and my self-esteem sunk to a nearly unreachable level. I believed I deserved what was happening to me and felt powerless.
I also highly recommend reading Codependent No More- there is so much in there that will open up your eyes and help you separate their behavior from YOU and your self-worth. No one deserves to believe they are not entitled to happiness.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I understand your anger all too well. What I would like to suggest is that he has really done you a great favor. I hope for your sake if he tries to slither back into your life you can find the strength to say no thanks...
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Oh Mskattie, I had all of those feeling u r talking about many many yrs ago when I ended my marriage to my 1st husband. I don't know why we feel like that, when I try & go bk 30 yrs & remember its so hard. I do know over 30 yrs ago I did have the strength to end it. After 10 yrs alone I met & maried my present hubby & we will be married 23 yrs this Nov & I have never ben happier. My ex has been calling me now after 30+yrs of not hearing from him. Now he is saying all the things I would have given my right arm to hear 30+ yrs ago. He was addicted to gambling when I was with him. He now tells me he went from gambling to drugs, has now been clean & sober for 5 yrs this Sept. He is NOW 62 yrs old. This is what you have to look fwd to if you love an addict. Noone knows when they will finally reach their bottom. Do you want to spend maybe your whole life waiting.
Everyone has given you excellent advice.
Dolly & Splendra said it very well...........run & don't look bk. He has done u a favor!!!
Love,
Diane
Everyone has given you excellent advice.
Dolly & Splendra said it very well...........run & don't look bk. He has done u a favor!!!
Love,
Diane
Last edited by rozied; 07-31-2007 at 12:24 PM. Reason: addition
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 47
Wow, I am so surprised with so much support and understanding here, I sure do not feel so alone with the situation. Stickies are also very informative. Thank you.
I guess I should feel lucky that I now face an opportunity to move on with my life and not to get involved in his drama any longer as many of you suggested. Even though it will take a little while for me to truly think that way, I hope I can be stronger and things get easier as each day passes.
As some of you have said already, I have a feeling he will contact me sooner or later in future. We didn't have any closure, we never had any "break-up talks", he kind of faded away. He has been very good with sneaking back into my life in past with "Hi, How are you? I missed you!" acting like as if there was no time gaps or conflicts between us. A sad thing about is I fell for it everytime. I felt so lonely and miserable without him that I felt I needed some contact with him regardless of his using or not.
I sometimes wonder if his brain really is messed up from drinking and using that he doesn't really remember or understand the situation?? He often acted like he has no idea how his actions and behaviors has affected me and others. He is selfish and he doesn't even know it! It's so frustrating.
Gosh, i don't know what I am going to do if he was to give me a call right now. I don't know if I am strong enough to stay away. He is like my drug. It's so funny that I only think of good things about him when I am not with him. I know I just have to take one day at a time, but I feel so vulnarble right now.
I guess I should feel lucky that I now face an opportunity to move on with my life and not to get involved in his drama any longer as many of you suggested. Even though it will take a little while for me to truly think that way, I hope I can be stronger and things get easier as each day passes.
As some of you have said already, I have a feeling he will contact me sooner or later in future. We didn't have any closure, we never had any "break-up talks", he kind of faded away. He has been very good with sneaking back into my life in past with "Hi, How are you? I missed you!" acting like as if there was no time gaps or conflicts between us. A sad thing about is I fell for it everytime. I felt so lonely and miserable without him that I felt I needed some contact with him regardless of his using or not.
I sometimes wonder if his brain really is messed up from drinking and using that he doesn't really remember or understand the situation?? He often acted like he has no idea how his actions and behaviors has affected me and others. He is selfish and he doesn't even know it! It's so frustrating.
Gosh, i don't know what I am going to do if he was to give me a call right now. I don't know if I am strong enough to stay away. He is like my drug. It's so funny that I only think of good things about him when I am not with him. I know I just have to take one day at a time, but I feel so vulnarble right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 47
Heather,
You really hit the nail on the head! I think I have internalized his disease so much that it was in a way all about me. I always thought "If you really love me, you would (quit, get a job,etc)", so if he is not changing then it is "my" fault and it is because I am not good enough... And I am embarrassed to say this, but I was hoping he would be crying and begging me to come back as I was taking a little break from him because I think parts of me wanted to convince myself that I was someone important to him, I was his savior of some sort, and he needed me.
I will take your recommendation about reading the book, Codependency No More.
You really hit the nail on the head! I think I have internalized his disease so much that it was in a way all about me. I always thought "If you really love me, you would (quit, get a job,etc)", so if he is not changing then it is "my" fault and it is because I am not good enough... And I am embarrassed to say this, but I was hoping he would be crying and begging me to come back as I was taking a little break from him because I think parts of me wanted to convince myself that I was someone important to him, I was his savior of some sort, and he needed me.
I will take your recommendation about reading the book, Codependency No More.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by Mskattie
As some of you have said already, I have a feeling he will contact me sooner or later in future. We didn't have any closure, we never had any "break-up talks", he kind of faded away. He has been very good with sneaking back into my life in past with "Hi, How are you? I missed you!" acting like as if there was no time gaps or conflicts between us. A sad thing about is I fell for it everytime. I felt so lonely and miserable without him that I felt I needed some contact with him regardless of his using or not.
Gosh, i don't know what I am going to do if he was to give me a call right now. I don't know if I am strong enough to stay away. He is like my drug. It's so funny that I only think of good things about him when I am not with him. I know I just have to take one day at a time, but I feel so vulnarble right now.
That is just like my situation. And I realized that I had my own addiction-to him! He would call and say he missed me, and act like nothing happened! He just thought he could jump right back in...like he did before. I had to stop the cycle and you can too!
Try to dig down and find the strength not to answer the phone. Once I started not answering the phone...over time I felt stronger and stronger and thought about him less and less.
Change your number if you have to. Trust me, the longer you go without contact, the sooner you will get over him..
Hugs, Lisa
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
I Agree With Jane, You Havent Heard The Last From Him. Read The Sticky At The Top "what Addicts Do". They Come Back To Use The Ones They Know They Can. Hell Need Something Before Long, Addicts Always Do, Hell Be Calling, You Might Want To Rehearse Your Reaction Before The Call Comes.
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