Another Update
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Another Update
I've been living in a holiday trailer at my parents house for over a week now. For the first time ever, I believe that AH is finally realising that I am not going to live with this anymore. He's been to an addiction counsellor, has another appointment to go again. I'm hearing all kinds of truths from him, some I'd honestly rather not hear but I'm so glad that he is finally being honest with me that it really doesn't matter.
In all honesty, I WANNA GO HOME!! I'm tired of being here, I miss the comforts of home, it breaks my heart everytime my kids ask when we can go home. BUT, I can't yet. I know in my head that it's not time yet. Things have improved, we're communicating much more openly and fighting far less. He seems committed to "fixing his problem". Yet I know that in the big picture a week and a half means nothing. I still have my own things to sort out, I'm still a little lost, and I'm not very quick to forgive. Here I have the space I need to myself, I can take a moment to myself to sit back and think what it is I really do want.
What I've come to so far is that I'm not yet ready to walk away from my marriage. He's willing to try, I'm willing to try too. What I've also learned is that I CAN walk away at any moment if things turn back again I don't have to worry about being alone, or how life will be without him. I'm living it right now and it isn't so bad.
I spent the weekend out at the lake with my family, to give myself the space I needed and give my kids the chance to forget about everything- if even just for a day. When I came home(back to my parents) AH came to see me. We talked and what he told me has been eating at me ever since. After his meeting with the counsellor he had told his best friend what was going on, that I had left, and that this time he was completely serious about quitting. For him, this was a big deal. Well, while I was gone for the weekend he went to see this friend. While he was there his friend asked him if he wanted to get high and AH actually told him NO. So his friend says to him, in my opinion kind of rudely "so you're actually serious about this then? you're not just going to hide it anymore?" AH told him that it WAS serious and he's not willing to lose his family over it. The next day the same friend called AH and sarcastically says "this is your support group calling". AH seemed to be a little pi**ed about the conversations when I talked to him about it. He doesn't want to stop talking to this friend because the guy is his best friend- and is also married to his cousin- but he's worried that this crap will keep up and he'll be tempted. I'm furious with the situation as not too long ago I asked them (friend & cousin) if AH was still doing drugs and both of them replied with "I don't want to get in the middle of it". Now when I'm absolutely serious about walking away and filing for divorce if I don't see a change, and AH is honestly trying they're both acting like this- trying to get him to cave. GOOD FRIENDS- I think not. How is that staying out of it??!! I'm not really sure how to explain my thoughts on it- but it just has me seeing red. I talked to AH about it tonight and he asked if I wanted him to say something to them about it. In all honesty, I do- but not just because I TOLD him to say something- know what I mean?? How can they possibly take this as a big joke?
In all honesty, I WANNA GO HOME!! I'm tired of being here, I miss the comforts of home, it breaks my heart everytime my kids ask when we can go home. BUT, I can't yet. I know in my head that it's not time yet. Things have improved, we're communicating much more openly and fighting far less. He seems committed to "fixing his problem". Yet I know that in the big picture a week and a half means nothing. I still have my own things to sort out, I'm still a little lost, and I'm not very quick to forgive. Here I have the space I need to myself, I can take a moment to myself to sit back and think what it is I really do want.
What I've come to so far is that I'm not yet ready to walk away from my marriage. He's willing to try, I'm willing to try too. What I've also learned is that I CAN walk away at any moment if things turn back again I don't have to worry about being alone, or how life will be without him. I'm living it right now and it isn't so bad.
I spent the weekend out at the lake with my family, to give myself the space I needed and give my kids the chance to forget about everything- if even just for a day. When I came home(back to my parents) AH came to see me. We talked and what he told me has been eating at me ever since. After his meeting with the counsellor he had told his best friend what was going on, that I had left, and that this time he was completely serious about quitting. For him, this was a big deal. Well, while I was gone for the weekend he went to see this friend. While he was there his friend asked him if he wanted to get high and AH actually told him NO. So his friend says to him, in my opinion kind of rudely "so you're actually serious about this then? you're not just going to hide it anymore?" AH told him that it WAS serious and he's not willing to lose his family over it. The next day the same friend called AH and sarcastically says "this is your support group calling". AH seemed to be a little pi**ed about the conversations when I talked to him about it. He doesn't want to stop talking to this friend because the guy is his best friend- and is also married to his cousin- but he's worried that this crap will keep up and he'll be tempted. I'm furious with the situation as not too long ago I asked them (friend & cousin) if AH was still doing drugs and both of them replied with "I don't want to get in the middle of it". Now when I'm absolutely serious about walking away and filing for divorce if I don't see a change, and AH is honestly trying they're both acting like this- trying to get him to cave. GOOD FRIENDS- I think not. How is that staying out of it??!! I'm not really sure how to explain my thoughts on it- but it just has me seeing red. I talked to AH about it tonight and he asked if I wanted him to say something to them about it. In all honesty, I do- but not just because I TOLD him to say something- know what I mean?? How can they possibly take this as a big joke?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
People who are still drinking/using make jokes because they cannot handle anyone else's attempt to change - it threatens them.
Your H may have to change his friends. I did. Some of my friends were totally supportive, even the ones I got drunk with. Others could not handle it and conspicuously tried to get me to drink again. These were the ones I lost.
On the plus side, I gained sobriety and a whole slew of new friends in AA.
Your H may have to change his friends. I did. Some of my friends were totally supportive, even the ones I got drunk with. Others could not handle it and conspicuously tried to get me to drink again. These were the ones I lost.
On the plus side, I gained sobriety and a whole slew of new friends in AA.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
"What I've also learned is that I CAN walk away at any moment if things turn back again I don't have to worry about being alone, or how life will be without him. I'm living it right now and it isn't so bad."
WOW! What a great quote. In MHO, you've given yourself the best gift in the whole world - you KNOW this deep in your bones - you don't just "think" it. For me, that was when I truly became to come out of the trance. It's like you know what you want and will tolerate and then either he can't or not. I completely understand about loving him and wanting to give it all a try. I've done the same with my RAH. He has two years now....it's been very hard with quite a few bumps in the road. BUT I do love him and we have a family.
Thanks for sharing your journey. You are an inspiration but that doesn't mean that you have to live up to anything.....you already are a light shining brightly!
Love, Donna
WOW! What a great quote. In MHO, you've given yourself the best gift in the whole world - you KNOW this deep in your bones - you don't just "think" it. For me, that was when I truly became to come out of the trance. It's like you know what you want and will tolerate and then either he can't or not. I completely understand about loving him and wanting to give it all a try. I've done the same with my RAH. He has two years now....it's been very hard with quite a few bumps in the road. BUT I do love him and we have a family.
Thanks for sharing your journey. You are an inspiration but that doesn't mean that you have to live up to anything.....you already are a light shining brightly!
Love, Donna
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Sis...
You sound really strong!!!
I spent alot of time "on the fence" where my marriage was concerned too.
I agree with Donna (as usual) that my biggest turning point was when I realized that I would be okay either way. This was huge!! Sounds like you've reached that place. Good for you! One day at a time, Sis...thats ALL you have to worry about right now.
Sending hugs and support...
You sound really strong!!!
I spent alot of time "on the fence" where my marriage was concerned too.
I agree with Donna (as usual) that my biggest turning point was when I realized that I would be okay either way. This was huge!! Sounds like you've reached that place. Good for you! One day at a time, Sis...thats ALL you have to worry about right now.
Sending hugs and support...
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Your awareness that you can do whatever needs to be done is a great one and your strength and light are so evident in your post. I know being away from your comfort zone is tough, but how strong you are to recognize that what you need makes this discomfort worth it in the long run.
I'm sorry his "friends" feel threatened and agree...from what i have seen, sometimes there are those who can not accept the change because it makes them feel uncomfortable that someone is finding the strength to move forward while they stay stagnant. It's hard to practice not trying to control their actions too, just like the recovering addicts in our lives. I suspect that since your husband recognizes their quacking, in time he will find the best way for him to deal with it.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
I'm sorry his "friends" feel threatened and agree...from what i have seen, sometimes there are those who can not accept the change because it makes them feel uncomfortable that someone is finding the strength to move forward while they stay stagnant. It's hard to practice not trying to control their actions too, just like the recovering addicts in our lives. I suspect that since your husband recognizes their quacking, in time he will find the best way for him to deal with it.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
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