cinderellawkids

Sometimes we fall into the same alternate reality as our addicts do. We believe in fantasy fairy tales and make believe.
Sooner or later reality hits. Sometimes you think youve reach reality and acceptance and then the real thing smacks you in the face.

Facing Reality, finally accepting it and realizing many addicts arent sick pof their life and are still loving the rush of a score at whatever costs is VERY VERY painful. I know cause thats where I am at, adn who knows a deeper form of reality could still again smack me in the face at a later time.

A coworker, not even knowing the situation, asked how I was today. I responded half heartedly, we are all alive and healthy so its agood day. She stood there for a minute and I said sometimes seeing things for what they really are and accepting them is more painful than living in horror.
SHe totally got that. Said yes dear it is more painful, much more but that pain will go away eventually.

I think thats so true. FOr this moment this week, Im in pain, my own paid of seeing the forest for the trees (and weeds and thorns and poison ivy all creeping through) I may lash out, I apologize, I may yell scream and cry (my kids taught me how). But really deep down Im still scared, hurt and wounded, healing a little at a time, but dont wounds hurt more as they are starting to heal?

Ive been married to an active addict for 4 years, separated on and off since November, and just now am I healing from a divorce that occurred 7 years ago, so much denial and buried pain I never felt coming up. Last summer I was healing my inner child. So little by little I am growing, hopefull by next decade I will have healed from this pain

Thanks for letting me share

greeteachday

(((((Cinders))))))
Facing reality and the pain it brings takes lots of strength and you have grown so in your self knowledge, compassion and strength. Your kids are so fortunate to have you and to learn from the example you set.

My situation is not the same as yours so I can never really offer experiences that may be of help to you, but I do understand your pain and your posts touch my heart..

May you continue to heal...I know you will. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I know it is helpful to get it out, but please know that you help so many others by sharingyour truths. Hugs and prayers.

cmc

******{cinderella}}}}}

outonalimb

(((((cinders)))))

Wow. You put it so well. You really captured how I have felt at many times over the last several years.

I know the process is painful but keep going cinders....I know you will...
I really think that the load gets lighter...and the sun shines a little brighter...with time. Be patient and loving with yourself, okay? You're recovery and growth in the last several months is inspiring.

Much love...

Cynay

You have hit my nail on the head .....

For me people are my drug of choice and losing people I love, even for a little while, gives me withdrawls. My wounds usually hurt more shortly after the shock of coming out of denial and accepting the reality... But it will heal, that is what I hold on too.... I cant heal what I dont know is wounded... Once the denial drops I can begin the process and in time the pain of it will go away.

rayofsunshine

(((Cinderella)))) Wow...I'm smiling through the tears. Your post and your recovery are so inspiring to me.

cinderellawkids

Thank you everyone. Somehow today I dont feel like my recovery is doing so well. but I guess not stalking, running around crying, begging him to come back or bringing him food or turning his power on is a start

rayofsunshine

Baby steps. Cindi. Sometimes that's all we can manage.

"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

Keep on keeping on.

(((HUGS)))

itiswhatitis...

cinder,

i'm soo sorry - i wish there was something i could do to lessen the pain - unfortunately, i know you have to go through it - i hope the good that comes from the pain comes soon - you write eloquently about your pain - keep writing - maybe it will help...

love,
s

Ladybugg

That is just it, you do have to go through it.
It is that pain and this experience though that will make you a better person than before and make your life better.
I had VERY bad days. It has been more than a year for me and I still have them.
You know that you are worth so much more than that life.
We know our A's are worth so much more, but if they don't want more we can't force them.
No one can live with crack forever.
I think you are doing sooooo good...I PROMISE if you can just get through this hard part....you will see that the pain was worth it.
Hugs. And Prayers.
Michelle

oneeyeopen

I know where you are at. Some days are great, some are crummy. But I feel like every patch of crummy days, those really crummy days, makes me just that bit stronger, and that each time I get to the next patch of crummy it hurts just a teeny-tiny bit less. I can't believe where I am at now. A few tears, the occasional obbsesive calls. But hey, compared to sobbing on a plane for nearly 4 hours straight or begging and begging him to come out of the bar and go home with me or standing shouting his name in front of a crack house in the middle of the night, wow, a few tears and phone calls, HUGE improvement.

Don't compare yourself with yesterday or last week, but rather a few months ago or when you journey of living with an addict started. I bet you will find that you are much, much stronger today then you were then.