Is this betrayal?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Rachel,
I'm sorry about what you're going through.
Sadly, HE is not going to do the things you need him to do in order to gain closure for yourself.
You must find your own way to it, because if he is like all addicts, and like many different personality types, he will continue to contact you whenever he feels it may give him what he wants at a given time (support, connection, absolution). The next minute, hour, day he may have different feelings....and you are jerked around again. It seems you've already learned the lesson we all have... that this is almost never about you. It's about him - his needs, his wants, his physical urges, his life. You're a player in his play, a means to an end. You said it yourself in your first post: "He says the right things..." I too experienced a relationship with a man who "said the right things," was (I thought) soul mate, friend, fellow dreamer and traveler. I'm sorry to say that that perception isn't always an accurate one....it can be more a reflection of what WE are looking for than of what's actually, physically happening in a relationship.
Ogly's suggestion, though you may bristle at it, is a good one. His misfortunes will not give you closure in and of themselves; you must put some space between you and tell him not to contact you. There are many of us here who feel that they need to hear/see/experience sufficiently dreadful things in order to finally gain closure with their addicted loved one. The problem: the ruler keeps moving. Just like the frog in the hot water, we often never reach the point where we can finally say "THERE! NOW it's finally bad enough for me to jump out of this." We just keep acclimating to the horrors, day after day, our compassion holding us prisoner.
Do you truly want to set your life on a positive course? If it's true that there is nothing in you that is seeking suffering, nothing in suffering that validates you, then you need to seek your own closure.
His actions can't do this. The only way you can guarantee closure for yourself is to make it yourself. If you don't want to be in a relationship with an addict (and he will ALWAYS be an addict, regardless of whether or not he is in recovery) then you must find a way to move on without the help and cooperation of seeing his life in flames.
Wishing you luck and strength in finding peace for yourself. You deserve a better relationship than this one. We all do.
GiveLove
I'm sorry about what you're going through.
Sadly, HE is not going to do the things you need him to do in order to gain closure for yourself.
You must find your own way to it, because if he is like all addicts, and like many different personality types, he will continue to contact you whenever he feels it may give him what he wants at a given time (support, connection, absolution). The next minute, hour, day he may have different feelings....and you are jerked around again. It seems you've already learned the lesson we all have... that this is almost never about you. It's about him - his needs, his wants, his physical urges, his life. You're a player in his play, a means to an end. You said it yourself in your first post: "He says the right things..." I too experienced a relationship with a man who "said the right things," was (I thought) soul mate, friend, fellow dreamer and traveler. I'm sorry to say that that perception isn't always an accurate one....it can be more a reflection of what WE are looking for than of what's actually, physically happening in a relationship.
Ogly's suggestion, though you may bristle at it, is a good one. His misfortunes will not give you closure in and of themselves; you must put some space between you and tell him not to contact you. There are many of us here who feel that they need to hear/see/experience sufficiently dreadful things in order to finally gain closure with their addicted loved one. The problem: the ruler keeps moving. Just like the frog in the hot water, we often never reach the point where we can finally say "THERE! NOW it's finally bad enough for me to jump out of this." We just keep acclimating to the horrors, day after day, our compassion holding us prisoner.
Do you truly want to set your life on a positive course? If it's true that there is nothing in you that is seeking suffering, nothing in suffering that validates you, then you need to seek your own closure.
His actions can't do this. The only way you can guarantee closure for yourself is to make it yourself. If you don't want to be in a relationship with an addict (and he will ALWAYS be an addict, regardless of whether or not he is in recovery) then you must find a way to move on without the help and cooperation of seeing his life in flames.
Wishing you luck and strength in finding peace for yourself. You deserve a better relationship than this one. We all do.
GiveLove
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 34
Rachel,
Your story is very similar to mine. I will not offer sage advice as I am very very early in my own recovery - in fact I screwed up so badly this weekend I'd assume I just start over tomorrow morning!
You are not alone. Dreams are hard to let go of, especially when your dreams involve another person.
All I can speak of is my experience. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years although he spent 5 months of that time not returning my phone calls and 3 out of the 5 months with someone else. He was a beautiful person when he was sober and i just couldn't give up on him, couldn't give up on us, couldn't give up period.
After two years, after he missed my grandmother's funeral because he was high - I finally had had enough. I called him and asked him to be silent and listen with his heart, not his sick, cloudy head. I read him a letter I had prepared explaining that his addiction was painful to watch, painful to be a part of and that I would no longer help him or watch him kill himself slowly. (I'm Italian and quite the talker so the letter was much longer than that - but there's your summary)
The next morning I received a call from a nurse at a detox center stating that he had checked himself in that morning and had asked her to call to let me know where he was and that he was safe.
IN MY EXPERIENCE (that is all i can speak to), when I had finally had enough---that's when he decided that perhaps he had had enough too.
But he had to make that choice for himself.
And only YOU will know when You have had enough.
I used to think that Love conquers all...but if he's an addict he doesn't love himself. And the most loving thing you can do is put a spotlight on the situation - "I love you - And I love you TOO much to sit by and watch you slowly take your own life"
Much easier said then done i know. And mine had the best possible outcome - some do not.
Please just know that you are not alone - and you don't need to " go down with the ship"
Your story is very similar to mine. I will not offer sage advice as I am very very early in my own recovery - in fact I screwed up so badly this weekend I'd assume I just start over tomorrow morning!
You are not alone. Dreams are hard to let go of, especially when your dreams involve another person.
All I can speak of is my experience. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years although he spent 5 months of that time not returning my phone calls and 3 out of the 5 months with someone else. He was a beautiful person when he was sober and i just couldn't give up on him, couldn't give up on us, couldn't give up period.
After two years, after he missed my grandmother's funeral because he was high - I finally had had enough. I called him and asked him to be silent and listen with his heart, not his sick, cloudy head. I read him a letter I had prepared explaining that his addiction was painful to watch, painful to be a part of and that I would no longer help him or watch him kill himself slowly. (I'm Italian and quite the talker so the letter was much longer than that - but there's your summary)
The next morning I received a call from a nurse at a detox center stating that he had checked himself in that morning and had asked her to call to let me know where he was and that he was safe.
IN MY EXPERIENCE (that is all i can speak to), when I had finally had enough---that's when he decided that perhaps he had had enough too.
But he had to make that choice for himself.
And only YOU will know when You have had enough.
I used to think that Love conquers all...but if he's an addict he doesn't love himself. And the most loving thing you can do is put a spotlight on the situation - "I love you - And I love you TOO much to sit by and watch you slowly take your own life"
Much easier said then done i know. And mine had the best possible outcome - some do not.
Please just know that you are not alone - and you don't need to " go down with the ship"
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