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Is this betrayal?

Old 05-18-2007, 12:46 PM
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Is this betrayal?

Hello everyone... I'm new to this sight and am in serious need of emotional support.
I became friends with a guy I met a little over 2 years ago which shortly developed into a romance. He was everything I had ever dreamed of - said the right things, compassionate, kind and soft hearted, giving, loving - possessed all the qualities others I've dated in the past did not. However, since I had been hurt so deeply in the past - which he was well aware - I wanted to take things slowly and not rush into an intense relationship. Well needless to say, for the past several years he devoted much of his time to winning my deep affections and commitment. We both professed our love we shared for one another, but he wanted to become more physical - which he claimed would truly prove to him that my love was true. At this point, however, I became more reluctant to sleep with him - leading to his "loss of affection" towards me. This hurt so deeply, since I had gone through the same rejection with a past boyfriend. I never imagined my new love would even attempt the same thing that caused me so much grief in the past. I mean, he completely changed overnight - a definite 180. Well, that isn't all. A few months prior to his loss of emotion towards me, he became very sick and ended up in the hospital. Diagnosis - Hep C. He claimed he had no idea from where it came, but my gut was screaming - drugs. At the time I remembered that earlier in our relationship he told me he had experienced with every drug under the sun when he was younger - "now", he told me, "I only smoke pot every now and then, no big deal". Well, when he said this, I made it very clear I would not date anyone who used any type of narcotic. After that incident, however, he said he would stop for because he didn't want to lose me.
Well, to make a long story short, after last summer came to an end, I found out through a friend that he had been arrested for using heroine. I wasn't surprised, but sick to my stomach when I heard of this news. I confronted him and he was so embarrassed because he didn't want me to know since he figured that if we weren't going to be together anyway, why let me know. If we ended up together, then would be the time he would reveal this - nice huh? For several weeks, then, we went back and forth between him not feeling the same about me to feeling the love again. He just turned into this person I didn't even know. He became abusive and extremely critical of me, that now it was I who was losing love for him.
I have cried many days and have driven myself into a depression for this loss. I felt betrayed because he never told me along with promises of our future he later claimed to have never promised. It was as if what we had never existed - maybe 'we' truly didn't...
It was in early fall of '06 when this all occured. He has been in recovery since then and in methadone treatment. During this time, however, he has relapsed over 7 times. Not on heroine, or so he says, but on Xanax - who knows.
I am a loving person and accept those that I love dearly for all their shortcomings, but when I am around him during an episode, especially with his daughter there, I can't help but despise him and feel utterly disgusted by his appearance and demeanor.
He hardly calls nor does he try to see me as he once did. It is strange as well, because he doesn't want or desire me physically. Yes, I wanted to wait for us to become involved in this way, but we still kissed and held each other.
The crazy thing is however, although I know I could never be with him due to the fear of him possibly never fully recovering, I can't stay away. I don't know why this is, but when I am around him, I can't wait to leave, but when I haven't heard from him I have the need to see him.
This has been a loss in my life that has certainly left a deep wound. It is terrible, but I don't see myself with him, but feel that he may be different with the next girl he falls for. Or after several years, when sober, he will go back to being who he was at the time we initially met - only to find someone else to share that love with. And I truly hope only the best for him, but I can't stand the fact of another woman receiving the love I once had.
Please help, because I need some emotional support and the reassurance that it isn't my fault for his rejection. I understand his addiction isn't my fault, however, I just don't understand how he could shift so drastically from loving me to not being in love with me.
I also realize that my questions are obvious as to why this is happening, but it is difficult to understand what he is going through in order to be acting in this way. I even thought maybe he just found someone else. I don't know, I just need advice.

Sincerely,
Rachel
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Old 05-18-2007, 01:19 PM
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I just don't understand how he could shift so drastically from loving me to not being in love with me.
That's what addicts do: there is a sticky titled What Addicts do, you should read that it may help you understand this more.

I think many of us have some codependency issues and those issues seem to help keep us glued to the addicts even though we knew it's not healthy for us. Those same issues are clouding your thinking that this is your fault that he fell out of love with you. The truth is he fell farther in love with his drugs and it has nothing at all to do with you.

Your thinking he will find someone else, in his condition who would want him, maybe someone also in addiction? And that person is not going to cure him or make him into the prince charming you once knew. He is going to need alot of help and clean time to get any where near the person you once knew and it doesn't appear he wants that for himself. I think it's natural to think someone else will enter the picture and they will get everything we had hoped we get from them. But the truth is even if someone else did enter the picture they are getting is an active addict who can't love themselves let alone anyone else.
I do understand your feelings are hurt and this is so confusing but it has nothing to do with you or loving you, please keep telling yourself that.
you said your gut told you it was drugs, always listen to your gut and listen alot. I think you do know this is all about drugs but a part of your heart feels it's about someone else or something else pulling him away from you. It's the drugs and that prince charming you once knew may never ever return, are you willing to wait around to see if it ever happens?
The need you have to see him is a comfort to you in some way. You need to find another way to bring that kind of comfort to yourself without having to see him. At this point if he's not attempting to call you or see you then what are you really holding onto to???
You can find comfort here and so much support, i hope you stick around here for awhile.
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Old 05-18-2007, 06:05 PM
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""""""""Well needless to say, for the past several years he devoted much of his time to winning my deep affections and commitment. We both professed our love we shared for one another, but he wanted to become more physical - which he claimed would truly prove to him that my love was true. At this point, however, I became more reluctant to sleep with him - leading to his "loss of affection" towards me. """""""""

are you saying you never had sex with this guy?

if that is the case then it is a no brainer why he started to draw away from you. SEX is a big deal. he wanted to have sex with you the first time he ever saw you. he was working realy hard to get it to. and after a few years. that is so long he must of been getting it somewere else.there is no way he could wait that long.

because a adult male will not stand for it.It drives a man compleatly insain , he can only take so much, he realy realy wants to and needs to have sex with you. he had to just get on with his life and sort of get cold to you if you are not going to give it up.

but in hind sight now who cares,you did the rite thing, the guy is a drug user with HEP-C you need to have sex with that like you need another hole in your head.

look at this guy like poison. he is toxic and infected,don't let him spred on you.

you sound like a sweet and emotional girl who is very sinsitive. you don't need to be involved with a disiesed drug addict who wants to @#$% you.every word out of his mouth is a lie.
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Old 05-21-2007, 06:58 AM
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because a adult male will not stand for it.It drives a man compleatly insain , he can only take so much, he realy realy wants to and needs to have sex with you. he had to just get on with his life and sort of get cold to you if you are not going to give it up.
This is not always true.....you find someone who shares in your belief of waiting until you are ready. There is nothing wrong with the way you are doing things. IMO, and for me, sex ties a woman emotionally to a man. Even more emotionally tied to him than you already are. Don't buy into this statement IMHO.

Either way, we all know the feelings you are having....its painful and its hard to deal with. I think part of my codependency was that I couldn't handle HIS rejection of me. Back when I was doing all those crazy things and making a bunch of idle threats, it just about killed me for HIM to tell ME, that if I wanted a divorce to go ahead and get one. For me, it was because I thought that if he'd just quit taking drugs, things would be perfect between us. I didn't think there was ANYTHING wrong with me. But you know what, he's clean now and he's been clean for a while and it didn't take care of all the problems. It was only a start.

Pick up the book Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. Its a very good read. Also, check out the stickies on top of the board and stick around. Keep posting with your questions.
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Old 05-21-2007, 07:34 AM
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Dear(((((Rachel))))))


Welcome to Sober Recovery!! I feel that you are well rid of this guy. He started out not being honest with you and I seriously doubt that you have yet seen the real person that he is. I am very glad that you did not become phyiscally involved with him.

I hope he doesn't find someone else but, he may find someone who doesn't look too deeply or have enough self respect to ward off his advances it will be their loss if he does.

I know you must be hurting. Get some therapy or go to alanon or naranon for support and you can come here too. I think you were right on to not have sex with him!! You go girl!!
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Old 05-21-2007, 07:46 AM
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The crazy thing is ..... I can't stay away. I don't know why this is, but when I am around him, I can't wait to leave, but when I haven't heard from him I have the need to see him.
Sounds like you feel toward him the way he feels toward his drugs....

The program I attend, Alanon, has helped me understand WHY I behave in relationships the way I do. I didn't have just ONE bad relationship, I had several. The common denominator.... was me.

I hope you can find some meetings and give them a try. They helped me very much.
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Old 05-21-2007, 07:58 AM
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Sometimes our first impression of men are wrong. Of course he was perfect at the beginning. A lot of guys pull out all their nice qualities to make sure you will stay with them. Don't make yourself feel worse, none of that was your fault. You just fell for someone, who didn't show all of himself to you. In time the feelings you have for him will change and you will realize you did the right thing. You should never settle for less than what you want, especially when it comes to sex and your emotions. Stay strong, and welcome to SR.
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Old 05-21-2007, 08:45 AM
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Welcome Rachel22...

You are very strong and smart for revealing what you did so far about your AB's drug use. I am VERY greatful you have not consumated the relationship to have a hep c present waiting for you! There are a million things to consider when you are with an addict. But the one thing you should never ever do (in my advice)... is to loose "your" self respect, "your" self love and your direction in life. Don't let your addict come before you, and what "you" deserve in life.

There is alot of info at the top of the sticky's that really helped me when I first joined... and still read lol.

(((((hugs)))))
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Old 05-21-2007, 08:08 PM
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there is good advise ahead of me.i just want to welcome you to S.R....keep coming back.prayers,hope
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Old 05-22-2007, 05:33 AM
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Welcome to SR, I hope you find the emotional support here that you need. You are so LUCKY that you made the right decision not to have sex with this guy. Once you are infected with Hep C, you may not discover you even have it until YEARS down the road and your liver is nothing but a sponge.
I know that part of your emotional distress is because you feel like you've been played the fool for this guy. YOu are not alone--I think everyone here has felt like that at one point. He is the one with the porblem, not you. You didnt' do anything wrong.
I hope you feel better soon!
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Old 05-22-2007, 06:04 AM
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I'm sorry for the pain you are in right now. I do know how you feel, lots of us do. For some reason, the addicts are wonderful, funny, bright, beautiful people when they are not active in their addiction. I was with Keith for 3 1/2 years, he relapsed and died on an overdose of methadone[he wasn't on it for treatment, used it to get high along with anything else]. He was clean and sober for 5 years. He died of multiple organ failure and a stroke, also had hepatitis which I did not know and I did not know he was using drugs until the last, they are very good at manipulating and keeping secrets. I loved him and I still do for the wonderful things about him, he got me into alanon when my daughter was at her worst and for that I owe him so much. I can only say that you need to take care of yourself, go to some meetings, keep reading here............Marian
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Old 05-22-2007, 01:33 PM
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Welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here, I know I have. I understand a lot of the emotions you're feeling right now. My xabf hasn't tried to contact me for 5 weeks since he came over to house back on crack after a month of forced rehab. I think he feels ashamed and doesn't want to have to change, which he would have to do if he wanted to be in my life.

I'm finally realizing that now it's really over between us because we haven't talked lately (we were together for 5 years and broke up 4 and 1/2 months ago). I wonder too if he's miraculously gotten better and has a new gf but that is ridiculous. Chances are that he will be on that road to self destruction for quite some time but I know it's hard to accept b/c you remember all of those great times and the way they used to treat you. Believe me, I felt like I was living in a fairy tale at one point too, but you can't change the way that things have become. For me, that is the hardest thing to accept, that he has chosen to continue to be an addict and block out the people who love him because they make him realize what he's doing to himself. He's not ready to change and I can't change him or where he's at. It sucks but I know that the sooner I accept it, the better off I'll be and the sooner I'll be able to get on with my life.

You are SOOO lucky you didn't get hep!!! Good for you for being strong!

You've come to a great place here, we all go through so many emotions and phases and it's great that everyone here really cares and can give you some of the best advice you will ever get because of their experience. Keep posting!
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Old 05-22-2007, 03:29 PM
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if you find your self a regular good dude ,who is not into drugs and is not some sort of player that will tell you anything to get some booty,

when you find this prince charming, you still will lose him if you do not give him some. i don't care what the others say. unless this man is some wierd 40 year old vergin or gay, he will no mater how cool and great you are to be around , up and find some somewere else, it is a big part of grown up's life. If a man can't get some from the girl he is into,he will walk after a while.not getting some does things to a guys head.maybe not old guys but men in there prime are going to need a little of that good stuff.heck old guys need lovin to, we have to have it.

i am not saying to be easy and quick to give up the booty , but you will have to do allot a whole lot better than 5 years. LOL

I am glad for you that you did not give it up to the dude with HEP-c and you are totaly out of anything with the addict. you did good with that one.
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Old 08-12-2007, 10:04 AM
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Hello everyone,

I apologize for not responding quickly to your replies - I have been going through so much lately, I didn't even have the emotional energy to write.
It has helped me so much with the advice given and I truly appreciate it.
Since my last post, I haven't heard much from him for some months now. However, he called me a few weeks ago asking me if things could ever be the way they were between us. I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted (which I do, but didn't want to get into it with him at the time). He reacted by saying "how could you say that you don't know? How would you feel if someone said that to you that you loved?" WHAT???? It's funny b/c he said that to me back in the fall of '06 and evidently didn't remember saying it. After this incident I didn't call or contact him until a week later he contacted me asking me where we stood and if we could be friends. He said he wanted me in his life since I was such I good person. OKAY, well I had had it and just spilled everything about him that I thought. I told him how it made me feel, what he did to me and how his lies and rejections deeply hurt. We went back and forth blaming the other with our conversation ending in me saying that I felt he was selfish - since he never considered my feelings from the start. Needless to say, he became angry which resulted in zero contact. However, I began to feel that I did something wrong once again and tried contacting him only for him to not return any of my messages.
He called then last week wanting to see me and saying how much he misses me... but when I do call he again does not answer the phone or simply doesn't return my messages. Now I go back and forth between grieving this loss and what we use to have to anger and hate towards him. It's terrible, but sometimes I want to see him only to remind myself how bad he is for me. Not seeing him or talking with him only keeps it all a mystery. If that makes any sense...
What he has told me, however, is that in the last month he has wrecked his car several times along with receiving a 'dirty' test result from the methadone clinic. Due to this incident, he is going somewhere else to be treated. What I want to know is when you get kicked out of one rehab clinic, why would they admit you into another one. Note: The 'dirty' test results only showed the absence of methadone - no other drugs, supposedly, were not present.
What is this I am going through? It seems the only way for me to move on is to find out how bad he is doing. I'm not kind of person to be happy for another's calamities in life. I want to find peace with this in order to keep it from haunting me.
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Old 08-12-2007, 10:28 AM
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Hey Rachel:

1. You asked: What I want to know is when you get kicked out of one rehab clinic, why would they admit you into another one. Note: The 'dirty' test results only showed the absence of methadone - no other drugs, supposedly, were not present.

Because if they didn't - how would an addict get clean. if the situation were revese - wouldn't you hope that someone would give you another chance? Addiction is a disease that can not be overcome by willpower alone.

But my question to you is - why do you care? The addicition is his problem not yours. how he goes about getting clean or the people that help help him is not your concern. What you need to be concerned about is why "you" are constantly being drawn back to the flame.

When we keep going back to the flames of the fire it is because we get something enjoyable out of beign burned. You keep going back to him because it makes you feel better in some way.

You say I'm not kind of person to be happy for another's calamities in life. Well - that is not exaclty true at the moment if you were to be really honest with yourself. I think that a very small part of you is happy that he is having problems and that is only because he hurt you so deeply in the past. Does that make you a bad person - nope - it makes you human.

Hard stuff to hear I am sure but unfortuantely that is the truth. I can say that because that is why I kept returning my addicts call even though I felt like i needed a shower everytime I talked to him. I hated him for how he treated me and the sick part of me needed to hear the trials and tribulations of what he is going through. But one day i woke up and realized - a) I have to forgive him, really forgive him to move on and b) I could never ever be friends with him lest i turn into someone I hated.

he called one more time and was telling me about this stripper that he was dating and what horrible person she was and the last thing I said to him was I am not going to listen to this because this is not the life I am going to choose. I love you, I wish you a good life and I hung up without listening to what he had to say...... I have never spoken to him since.

And if you go and look at my post yesterday - you will see - I am realyl happy that i did that.

Run do not walk away from this guy. He is a master manipulator. Forgive him and stop worrying about what he might do next. it is NOT your problem. You have one life to live. Do you want to spend your life trapped in this hampster maze you have put yourself in? My guess is no....

You want really want peace? Getting peace is in your hands, not his....

Okay - I will put my frying pan down now ogly's suggestion for today - go 3months without talking or seeing him no matter what (change your phone numbers if you have to) and see how much better your life is at that time. I will be shocked if it is not 100 times better....

Ogly.
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Old 08-12-2007, 10:59 AM
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You want really want peace? Getting peace is in your hands, not his....
This is good stuff. Thanks, Ogly.


Rachel - I hope you can do this, you are not the first one who has been caught up in the chaos of manipulation and addiction... many here have had to pull themselves out and then look back and sort of shake our heads. I hope you can be one of those.

((hugs))
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Old 08-12-2007, 02:03 PM
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Ogly,

I would like to reply to a few comments you made.

You say, it is "hard stuff to hear I am sure but unfortuantely that is the truth..."? Your truth is just what it is - YOUR truth.
I realize you meant well, but everyone's situation is different. You handled your ex the way you knew best which was best for you, as I am doing with mine. I commend you for that actually - however it isn't that simple and much more complicated.


My question about the dirty test was not out of ignorance nor do I think, as I assume you were implying, that an addict shouldn't get a second chance. I have done personal research on the psychology of addiction and have learned a great deal about its complexity, however, that knowledge only goes so far - it doesn't always reach an emotional understanding and this is why I DO CARE. Addiction is a disease affecting not only the addict but those who love them as well.

You want to know why I care - well it is b/c he was a part of my future. We planned dreams together and talked about a good life that was suppose to happen. He meant those things at the time, he says, which is difficult for me to understand and extremely hurtful. This was someone I trusted and who promised me his love was true and honest. When all along he knew he couldn't wait for me.


You commented, "When we keep going back to the flames of the fire it is because we get something enjoyable out of beign burned. You keep going back to him because it makes you feel better in some way." I think you misunderstood my reasoning behind this and I don't blame you - it certainly sounds negative. Actually, I feel there has been no resolution or closure between him and I and by knowing what is going on with him, I am able to make closure and peace with myself. I realizie I won't get it from him, so I feel I must do it a way that is best for me.

And yes I am human which is why I've sought support from this message board.
As I said earlier and I will say once again - I appreciate your comments and know you meant well, but this isn't my truth or else I wouldn't be coming here in the first place.

Maybe I have taken your reply the wrong way and misunderstand your tone altogether - but what I need is positive encouragement, not tough love.
I've gotten enough of that in my life - and so far it hasn't worked.
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Old 08-12-2007, 04:07 PM
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rachel, i am sorry you are hurting but as long as you have contact with him you are going to hurt. the guy u fell in love with is buried in his addiction. until he decides to get clean it will not get better only worse.it is up to you so stay & listen to his quacking or walk away & let him hit his bottom. maybe if he lost you he would see what he is doing with his life.it is your choice.the people here are just sharing there experiences.we have all been thru what u are going thru.my son has been using since he was 17, he is still at it at the age of 36. is this what u want???prayers,
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Old 08-12-2007, 06:17 PM
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Hi rachel,
There has been so much good things said here. I believe you are stronger than you think you are, you certianly have boundaries and you're going to be alright.

You know, BigSis is right. Alanon teaches us why we are the way we are, and helps us get control over ourself again.
Take care and come back.
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Old 08-12-2007, 06:39 PM
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I have been guilty in the past of playing "Its over, it's over... c'mon over" with some very unhealthy partners in my life. In the past, I would get my life totally tangled up with theirs. His problems became my problems, his friends became my friends, his pain became my pain. I so desperately wanted a healthy and loving relationship that I turned a blind eye to what was really going on around me. I was like that frog in a pot of water... if you turn the heat up under the water, the frog just hangs out in the pot... yes, it could jump out any time, but it's just not that hot! Then the heat gets so intense that the frog is boiled and dies... because he adapted to the uncomfortable change in his environment.

What helped me was the guidance of a good counselor who told me to RUN not walk to the nearest Al Anon meeting. And today I can say that her advice put me on a great path of personal recovery. Al Anon saved my life. My recovery has taught me a new way of looking at relationships. I don't do it right all the time, but I sure do it better than I used to.

I deserve a partner who is happy, healthy and whole. And I want to be the same, so that when I am with someone, we both are able to give and to receive.

Good luck. We're here 24/7 if you want to chat.

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