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Old 08-12-2007, 06:46 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
GiveLove
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Rachel,

I'm sorry about what you're going through.

Sadly, HE is not going to do the things you need him to do in order to gain closure for yourself.

You must find your own way to it, because if he is like all addicts, and like many different personality types, he will continue to contact you whenever he feels it may give him what he wants at a given time (support, connection, absolution). The next minute, hour, day he may have different feelings....and you are jerked around again. It seems you've already learned the lesson we all have... that this is almost never about you. It's about him - his needs, his wants, his physical urges, his life. You're a player in his play, a means to an end. You said it yourself in your first post: "He says the right things..." I too experienced a relationship with a man who "said the right things," was (I thought) soul mate, friend, fellow dreamer and traveler. I'm sorry to say that that perception isn't always an accurate one....it can be more a reflection of what WE are looking for than of what's actually, physically happening in a relationship.

Ogly's suggestion, though you may bristle at it, is a good one. His misfortunes will not give you closure in and of themselves; you must put some space between you and tell him not to contact you. There are many of us here who feel that they need to hear/see/experience sufficiently dreadful things in order to finally gain closure with their addicted loved one. The problem: the ruler keeps moving. Just like the frog in the hot water, we often never reach the point where we can finally say "THERE! NOW it's finally bad enough for me to jump out of this." We just keep acclimating to the horrors, day after day, our compassion holding us prisoner.

Do you truly want to set your life on a positive course? If it's true that there is nothing in you that is seeking suffering, nothing in suffering that validates you, then you need to seek your own closure.

His actions can't do this. The only way you can guarantee closure for yourself is to make it yourself. If you don't want to be in a relationship with an addict (and he will ALWAYS be an addict, regardless of whether or not he is in recovery) then you must find a way to move on without the help and cooperation of seeing his life in flames.

Wishing you luck and strength in finding peace for yourself. You deserve a better relationship than this one. We all do.

GiveLove
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