make up your mind

Old 05-14-2007, 09:10 AM
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let it grow!
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make up your mind

out with my in-laws and extended in-law family for mom's day dinner. about 25 folks. only ONE person, my sister-in-law, asked me how my daughter was doing. i was so hurt and told my husband on the way home how i was feeling. he said, "well, the last time we were together with them, people asked, and you kept getting teary..."

it's just all so uncomfortable sometimes...and confusing.

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Old 05-14-2007, 09:27 AM
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K, it got to the point here where no one in my family would even mention AS's name around us. At first, it hurt, but then I realized that THEY were uncomfortable. Everyone wanted to make him better, but in lieu of being able to do that, they just preferred to forget about him. After awhile, I was "glad" they didn't mention his name.
My prob now is that he is sober and no one STILL mentions him. It's as if they are all just waiting for him to relapse and that is something I am def not happy about.
But like everything else...I have absolutely no control over it, so try to just let it slide.
I am sure everyone was afraid of spoiling your day and they meant well.
****{Hugs}}} Barb
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Old 05-14-2007, 09:39 AM
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My family doesn't ask because they know the hurt I have, plus the hurt and inability to help they have. I believe they didn't mean any disrespect to you, just trying to get through a hard day for all!
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Old 05-14-2007, 10:41 AM
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let it grow!
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just emotional..thanks, k
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Old 05-14-2007, 11:03 AM
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Hate that your family is unable or doesn't know how to give you the support for your daughter - I know I'm not family, but
"How's your daughter doing?"
(I do remember to keep you and her in my prayers, when I pray for my daughter)

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Old 05-14-2007, 12:00 PM
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let it grow!
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thanks, japic - she's turning 23 on friday. she's about half way through her 28 day inpatient and will be moving into a halfway house/outpatient program offered by the same recovery center end of month. her final courtdate is the 30th of may. so a lot going on with her in the next few weeks. we're staying pretty hands off this time around, husband and i, only attending family sessions once a week. and a few sessions with her and her counselor.

thanks for asking.

family means well, i understand that. it just gets to me. and mom's day was pretty emotional for me this year. carries a lot of weight, that made up hallmark holiday. but i always like it - it means opening of garden season in my area. FLOWERS everywhere!

prayers to you and your daughter. love those daughters and sons.......

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Old 05-14-2007, 02:15 PM
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Happy Birthday to her - 23 - so young.

Good for ya'll with the hands off - hopefully she will take care of everything for herself.

Enjoy your flowers!!

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Old 05-14-2007, 02:31 PM
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I doubt anyone intended offense... I know MY Sister in law got so TIRED of folks asking about her Josh. She would say what she knew, but then she felt folks were critiquing her parenting... especially those of us who were still "earthlings". I know I was (then) one of the judgmental ones who probably conveyed my feelings. She has never mentioned it... and has treated me with nothing but kindness during my time with MY kids.

I am reminded that offense is often "TAKEN" as well as "GIVEN. I guess I have to remember what an Alanon friend said to me (and by the way, I took it wrong for a while, but it stuck with -



You are going through a tough time.... I wish you the best.

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Old 05-14-2007, 04:07 PM
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nothing is normal when there is an addict in the family. No one knows what to do, what to say. I am OK when my family doesn't ask about my not in recovery AD. Mostly, they want me to be "happy", and don't want to "ruin" "my" day.
big hug,
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Old 05-14-2007, 04:49 PM
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I have trouble with this kind of thing too- especially with my in-laws.

If they don't ask, I feel hurt and even when they do ask I sometimes translate their simple request for information into soooo-what-kind-of-trouble-is-your-daughter-in-this-week?

I agree with others that it's such a uncomfortable situation for everyone involved.

I wish your daughter well.
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Old 05-14-2007, 05:31 PM
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My mother, a nearly 30 year AA sponsor, doesn't want to even hear about my sons. How terrible is that?
I guess it upsets them too. It makes them sad, or uncomfortable.
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Old 05-14-2007, 08:06 PM
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i agree with the others, i think that addiction is such a touchy subject for all who love an addict. maybe they didn't mean any harm like someone already said. maybe they had you and your feelings in mind, after all it was mothers day and maybe noone wanted to spoil your day by reminding you of something so painful to you. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Old 05-14-2007, 08:17 PM
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That is a touchy subject in my family, as well. Thanks for bringing it up, K.
I'm always hurt when no one asks about him, and tongue tied when they do.
If I get to talking too much about him, which I tend to do sometimes, then I feel like I'm being judged. I know it's just me and something I need to deal with.
I think I just prefer them not asking.
One day, I think I'm just gonna say, "no comment". Like they're reporters or somethin'. That'll shut'em up. lol
Only tell what your comfortable talking about.
I'm sure they just care about you and your well being.
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Old 05-14-2007, 09:39 PM
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Parentcovers.........I to know exactly what you mean. My son and daughter-in-laws and mom and mom-in-law came over on Sunday. I didn't think anyone was going to ask about my daughter and was kind of glad they didn't. Then one of my sons asked where she was. Then when I was faced with having to explain I was wishing he would'nt have even asked me. Damned if they do and damned if they don't. It's hard no matter what. I do hate it though when no one says anything and it seems like she doesn't even exist. Very confused feelings all the way around.
You aren't alone kiddo...........Lo
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