ASpouse

It's hard for all of us, not just you. Acceptance is probably the hardest part of recovery for most of us also. Once you accept things for what they are, it is much easier to move forward.

LaTeeDa

You don't have to accept or know what he wants. It is not about him, it is about you. Admitting to yourself that you would let someone abuse you isn't hard. We all do the best we can with what we have and what we know. Now that you know, what will you do about it? Letting someone continue to abuse you after you know--now that's entirely different.

L

Cynay

Im not sure he wants to be an abuser.... But I am sure he will do WHATEVER is necessary to continue his addiction and that will also include abuse.

I was embarrased when I figured out that I was the one allowing all this to happen to me and just how much I had let myself go and how crazy I was becoming.... heck I still blush when I think back to my behavior while I was living with him...

But you know, you can start right now today to make changes.... they might not be huge changes in the beginning but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other ... you will start walking out of that nightmare your living in.

ASpouse

Oh brother, me too! Not so much with my husband, but with a guy I lived with for 7 years before leaving .... Oh my, just thinking about some of the stuff back then makes me shudder!

pmaslan

I think it's good to think back on that stuff that makes me cringe.
It will keep me from making those mistakes again.
Sheesh the memory is something we really can't escape.....lol

elizabeth1979

I would check out the book, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
Its about abuse from angry and controlling men.
Worth a read I think in your situation.

Take care of yourself, he does sound to be losing control, which in my opinion, angers the alcoholic/abuser more.

One thing I learned was to not say "he would never do that".

Hugs!

lostnotfound

I'm going to stop at the library on my way home after work.

prodigal

He breaks it when you're there. He breaks it when you're not there. Either way, he breaks your "stuff." I'm getting the impression that the items you've worked hard to accumulate represent something important to you, along the lines of self-worth or self-esteem: "I'm proud that I earned this or that."

There are no U-Hauls full of stuff being pulled along behind the hearse on the way to the cemetery. Someone told me that several years ago when I was moaning and groaning about a piece of my crystal my AH had broken. That crystal and all my other "valuables" suddenly seemed a lot less valuable than me.

GettingFree

Hi lost,

I found the reasons for these questions for myself went way back to my family of origin. I grew up in a toxic family system where on the one hand I learned how to defend and assert myself, but on the other hand, inside, I always was struggling to validate myself because I never felt quite 'good enough' inside.

My own belief is that a lot of what we experience in our adult and intimate relationships is repeating patterns we learned as young children.

I feel for your pain and hope you can come to some peace about your options and next steps,

best
gf

lostnotfound

The forces are conspiring against me..... I went to the library and though their computer showed both books in, they were missing from the shelves. I live 35 minute drive from the nearest bookstore, so I won't be reading those tonight. : (

I will get them, though. Thanks for all the encouraging words.

ASpouse

Well I think this just goes to show you are not alone! There are others who are in need of these books also and probably right in your vicinity.

elizabeth1979

http://www.lundybancroft.com/pages/wdhdtpage.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_abuse

Feeling guilty for someone elses actions is a sign of our codependence. The best thing I could have done when in a similar situation was to read alot, gain some self-esteem, and know that I was deserving of respect, value, and did not HAVE to live that way.
Hope those links give a little info to look at until the shelves are full again at the library.

pmaslan

Thanks Sarah I think I will check on them myself....

prodigal

Amazon is another place to go online and find just about any book you want. I've found some very good ones going that route. I looked over the things you highlighted in red on the abuse list. Pushing and shoving. I was married to someone who pushed and shoved me once. He ended up sucker punching me and giving me a black eye. Enough said.

ASpouse

Same here prodigal. I lived with someone for 7 years and he never hit me in all that time. Then one night in a drunken rage, he hurt me. I was gone 6 weeks later.