What would you have doen in this situation?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Oh Forgottenwife - you sound so much like my life....You have experienced absolutely everything that I have except the breeze of his fist passing by you face with the baby in my arms. And yes the police have been to my house many many times and he never went to jail....the good ole boys club out here in the country. I have never even heard of my husband wanting to quit drinking so I don't know whats like to be with my husband while in the dry drunk stage but that's what it's called...Dry Drunk. Take it from one who knows you are abused hun..simple and to the point. And you need to take all the advice from everyone here at this forum. Please do not delay. I'm in the final stages of my divorce that HE instigated...while with another woman. And yes I have an order of protection against him and our kids who are 19 and 22 have gone no contact with him. This is the end of a 22 year bout with alcoholism for me. Do I still love him? Yes...but from afar. I will say a prayer for you tonight. Keep close to all of us okay.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
What would I have done?
I've read your post a few times now and wasn't sure if I should really answer.
We all are all very different people - in our own very special circumstances - and in different stages of our recovery. Those things do set us apart to some extent, regardless if we are all dealing with a loved one's addiction or not.
However..............I can tell you that there was a time that I would have reacted much like you did. A time where I'd been a provoker in the situation, a time I would have played the victim and cried my eyes out for days to follow the event, and probably alot of different roles in between.
But I'd like to say that if that happened to me NOW, I would have tried to simply walk out the door. Leaving this insane person alone to deal with his own demons without taking them out on me and my child.
As has already been pointed out to you already - this is abuse. It's verbal abuse. Emotional and mental abuse. And it's abusive to your child to have to be in this situation where an insane person is holding her, subjecting her to the verbal abuse as well as this environment. She may be too young to understand the words, but the tone and inflection is still there. She is hearing this - and if these happen frequently enough over a time span, she will think this is normal behavior.
Despite what any of us may have done in this situation --- I'm curious --- what are YOUR boundaries?
Verbal abuse, feeling afraid and frightened, and allowing this person that frightens you and talks as he does to take physical hold of a baby - this is okay with you? Where are YOUR boundaries to protect YOU and your baby?
I've read your post a few times now and wasn't sure if I should really answer.
We all are all very different people - in our own very special circumstances - and in different stages of our recovery. Those things do set us apart to some extent, regardless if we are all dealing with a loved one's addiction or not.
However..............I can tell you that there was a time that I would have reacted much like you did. A time where I'd been a provoker in the situation, a time I would have played the victim and cried my eyes out for days to follow the event, and probably alot of different roles in between.
But I'd like to say that if that happened to me NOW, I would have tried to simply walk out the door. Leaving this insane person alone to deal with his own demons without taking them out on me and my child.
As has already been pointed out to you already - this is abuse. It's verbal abuse. Emotional and mental abuse. And it's abusive to your child to have to be in this situation where an insane person is holding her, subjecting her to the verbal abuse as well as this environment. She may be too young to understand the words, but the tone and inflection is still there. She is hearing this - and if these happen frequently enough over a time span, she will think this is normal behavior.
Despite what any of us may have done in this situation --- I'm curious --- what are YOUR boundaries?
Verbal abuse, feeling afraid and frightened, and allowing this person that frightens you and talks as he does to take physical hold of a baby - this is okay with you? Where are YOUR boundaries to protect YOU and your baby?
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by denny57
At one point I suspected it (can you imagine?)
When I first started with my therapist, I would talk with her about things my AH did or said and at some point she would say to me, do you know that is abuse? I did not. I really did get caught up in the idea that if I would talk nicely, look nice, cook better meals, remain calm when he raged, etc. I would help him realize what he was doing. I couldn't and I can't. More than that - I shouldn't have to.
When I first started with my therapist, I would talk with her about things my AH did or said and at some point she would say to me, do you know that is abuse? I did not. I really did get caught up in the idea that if I would talk nicely, look nice, cook better meals, remain calm when he raged, etc. I would help him realize what he was doing. I couldn't and I can't. More than that - I shouldn't have to.
I did it,too!---I still can't believe it, and what is worse, sometimes I still question if it WAS "just me!". That is sick.
Worse than that, we had a marriage counseler that went right along with it (AH's way of seeing things) ...trying to say that it was surely mainly "my fault" he drank and acted like that and we just needed to "communicate better". Oh.that part WAS true....the communicate better part. AH was lying and I DID need to communicate to myself and him more effectively that I was not about to stand for that behavior. (he did get my message and moved out).
I didn't/don't want to believe anyone I love could really treat me that way......but he is sick and does. Same with your AH from the sounds of things. The truth hurts. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your baby. That is what gave me the will to do it when I was feeling weak. Your baby can not help his/herself and is depending upon you. Your AH is sick. Be safe and work out the details later.
Did you say you have a nanny? If you are doing all the work, making the $, providing child care, etc. perhaps it is time to consider AH leaving where he has "more time and peace" to work on his issues at his on pace,etc. Who knows.might be an eye-opener to you both.
I know this is difficult. It will be even more difficult if you and/or your baby is hurt or worse in a drunken "fit". I will keep you in my prayers; I am sorry this is happening. None of us "deseve" this.
p.s. Thanks you for posting this thread and Denny for your response. I needed to think about this and read both what you said and what I said. I need to remember this all...esp. today. I "forget" because I do not want to remember any of this; but it is important that I do. Thank you all! And thank you for giving me a safe place to vent this.
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