Over reacting?

Old 05-31-2006, 08:45 AM
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Over reacting?

My currently sober AH (3 months) asked me to critique an important business email he was sending this am. As I was on my way out the door to work, he made the changes I suggested and said jokingly, "Thanks honey, it's your job to keep your bad boy out of trouble you know" I responded, "It's not my job". He said it again, "it's your job ....... I responded the same way and left.
Well on the commute, I was in disbelief that he would say that to me. I am blown away that he would not realize the implications of this statement--this is not a joking matter for me. He knows I am in counseling to deal with co-dependency and he does understand what co-dependency is all about. I think this is big time manipulation and I just cant take these comments at face value. Am I over reacting?
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Old 05-31-2006, 09:06 AM
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Yes, lighten up.
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Old 05-31-2006, 09:10 AM
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Probably; it might be worth examining what it triggered in you and discussing with your counselor.
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Old 05-31-2006, 09:19 AM
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Sounds to me like a trigger too.... start digging inside and find out what is really going on.
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Old 05-31-2006, 09:24 AM
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Call your counselor at the earliest opportunity. For whatever reason his comment is bringing something up and to the surface..and like any other needs to be dealt with..AND FAST.
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Old 05-31-2006, 10:24 AM
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I'm a bit wary about using "over" before a word. You feel how you feel and that depends on what experiences have led up to this. Like the others say, it may be a trigger and if the original issue has not been dealt with, then your reaction may well be natural. Perhaps not healthy, but understandable.

I can understand your reaction, as it happens. I think my reaction would be similar, however I would recognise that in the scheme of things it's not that important. Tacky, tactless and unhelpful, yes. Worth dwelling on, probably not.
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Old 05-31-2006, 12:27 PM
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Great. where's the duct tape?
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Old 05-31-2006, 02:24 PM
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Although it may be a trigger, I think your reaction is a natural one with only 3 months sobriety.

Even comments said as jokes often have underlying truths to them, and this one was certainly about handing over responsibility. As such, even though it may not do so for everyone, it would definitely trigger fear and trust issues in me.

Given that, I'd want to be direct and check in so I'm not making assumptions: "Honey, that comment triggered some trust and fear in me, so I just want to check in with you about what you meant."

When I feel triggered and know definitely what was going on with the other person, than I may handle it alone. But if I'm unsure where the other person is coming from, I'd want to check it out.

But more than anything, I think this shows how delicate humor can be around these things. Personally, if my partner was offering gratitude or compliments, I would have liked them to be direct and clean so I could simply feel appreciated without mixing in any other agenda: "Thanks for helping me honey -- your help really improved the email." 'Course, we can't control the world .


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