MySecret

I may have done the wrong thing my husband is an alcoholic and had a binge last weekend and was very remorseful etc, we went to the doctors to get him in to a clinic as he thought he could handle it himself but admitted he couldnt, he was drinking up to 250 units a week, vodka being the big problem. So hes waiting for a referal to hospital, hes told his boss and they are very supportive and he was so touched at their kindness, I thought we had a breakthrough. So this weekend which was a bank holiday in England I made plans for him, we went o AA on saturday which was quite succesful (so I thought) he said something clicked, went out for lunch then he went home and I went back to my parents where I have been staying, the next day Saturday he had planned to see a friend go out for the day with him etc to give him something to do, I gave him money (not much tho), so 11oclock on saturday I ring up and hes at home and said his mate blew him out, he was sick!! yeah ok!!...........so I ring up this friend and he said no he's fine, my husband called him and said the trains where not running (apperently thats true) but he could have gone to another train stations, instead what does he do, listen to the voice in his head saying "vodka" goes home sinks whole bottle and sits there all day and lies to me contiuosly, I find out from another friend he borrowed £40 to get more booze and maybe drugs?? then sunday and monday this contiued the point where he staggered up to my parents in the rain to pick up a bottle of wine I left him outside the house (it was either that or have him take the credit card from me which I wasnt going to allow him to do or he would have taken hundreds out). I just dont undersrand after all the porgress why he did this???????????? so this morning he is back at work and he is feeling bad, guilty, asheamed but I told him Im leaving, he is suppose to go to the clinic he is hoping by the end of this week should I maybe not have told him im leaving him will this affect him going in there???? I feel he needs to hit his rock bottom, I have been cusioning his fall for too long now! and im enabling the bahaviour, hes now begging me to give him a chance and wait till hes out of rehab, I honestly think he thinks a 2 week stint in a clinic will make him all better, but it wont will it, I dont think hes prepared for the hard work, im tired and I want my life back, I do love him the man I married that is who is there ocasionally but very rarely these days but is this the man I want to have children with its one hell of a gamble.........help? and the trust has gone, its went a long time ago how will I ever get that back because without trusrt there isnt a relationship.
please give me your honest advise and opionons..?

CarolD

Welcome to SR Jen...

Please make yourself at home here
read the threads
you wull soon see many members are dealing with the confusion
you are having.

Hugs...

Jazzman

Welcome to SR Jen. There are some good stickies at the top of the forum and good power posts you can read up on. In the "Best of SR" forum there are some good ones as well, 10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem among many others.

Your story is all to familiar w/ folks here and the good news is you are aware of the enabling and rescuing behavior on your part that is prolonging the nightmare. Trying to get your head around your part in this would be a good place for you to start. Get educated about the disease of addiction and the effects on the family. Get educated about codependency. Post and vent all you need!

megamysterioso

Welcome to SR Jen and you are not alone. I can relate to your story very much as I've been married for 3 1/2 years (no kids) and am going through something similar. I've lived through all the broken promises and my trust and respect has gone too. My love, surprisingly, is still there for a man I know he "can" be. We really need to focus on what is however. I heard this on the radio a while back- "Never marry 'potential.' Potential is YOUR fantasy and YOUR desire. It is not real." That is so true.

I understand your AH is now making promises of rehab if you stay b/c mine is doing the same thing. I plan on getting my own place next month and either filing for legal separation or divorce. If he stays in this area to live and works a program and I see REAL change for a year or more, I would consider giving us another try. If however, he moves out of state and takes the easy way out--- that will be HIS choice and I'm filing for divorce. My resolve however is this--- something THIS drastic MUST happen in order for me and AH to move forward. We've been stuck in this cycle of alcoholic blowouts, apologies the next day, promises for a better tomorrow, broken promises, me growing more distant, hurt, resentful, REPEAT... If separating does not happen, he and I will never have a shot at a happy marriage and I will not have a shot at a peaceful life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and that is very true. Words are nothing and action is all. If my AH seeks treatment just for the sake of "winning me back," it will never work. That is why I feel we need this time apart. Firstly--- I can no longer live with this "disease" in MY home and secondly, if I leave and he does not have his enabler around, maybe it will be enough for him to finally seek help for the right reason-- HIMSELF and HIS life. He needs space to either fall or grow from this. I need space for my own sanity and peace.

Good luck with your decision. You really need to think hard about whether or not this life is acceptable to you today, 1 year from now, 10 years from now, et cetera. In my case, it is not acceptable and that is why I'm taking action to change it. Having children at this point in your relationship would not be a good idea and if having children is important to you, are you willing to wait for the time that you feel safe and confident in doing so with him? When will you regain your trust? These are all things to ponder. Hugs to you.

MySecret

aww thank you so much I really relate to that, all I hear is words, he thinks I love you will solve everything he really doesnt have a clue! I said the very same thing to him today about trying to win me back, it shouldnt be about that!! he has to think of himself not doing it for me or for anyone in that matter, you are so right about getting on with your life, I feel I am going to try and do the same, slowly but I will still support him but just as a friend not as an enabler and as a wife. He has to stand on his own two feet, its so sad as he just wants to be loved and he has so much love to give he just doesnt love himself at all, and I do see so much potential in him but you are right its never going to come out, well not at this time anyway, maybe one day.

Thanks for your insight & help and goodluck with you . xxxxx

megamysterioso

I can relate to that one. It is SAD and that is all there is to it. Throughout all this, my AH has said things like, "every serious relationship I've had ends just like this." Of course I'm thinking, "Duh!!! Hello!!!" I did tell him that now is the time for you to stop this crazy cycle that has become your life. You are the only one that can do it! I'm trying to empower him, but I will not be there for him in the wake. Truly, when you think about it, it is ALL up to them to make a change for their OWN lives. They are the ones that have created this mess and they are the ones that ultimately need to face the consequences and take an opportunity to do better. If they cannot or refuse to learn from their mistakes then so be it. We don't have to sit around and wait for this elusive day when they "MAY come around." All we can do sometimes is give their lives back to them and let them run with it. If/when they fail then so be it. We don't have to endure with them and pick up their pieces for them. We can have our own lives and be happy. We can make our decisions for our future and it's not that we're "the bad guy," it's that we're "the smart guy."

Pick-a-name

Hi, Jen. Glad you found us. You have already received good advice above. Stick around,read, post, meetings,etc....center yourself. That is the best (and only) thing you can do. Surprisingly, not only is it critical to your well-being; it gives your husband the best chance of finding recovery for himself when you let him have ownership of his own problems.

(Sorry..my AH just called and I have lost my concentration!)


I would say in reading your post that two other things stood out: (1) Please do not consider bringing children into this current situation.

Also: the above remark you made about leaving the bottle outside the door..........why did you have to do EITHER of those things ($ or wine?). If he wants it and you have a problem with it..let HIM come up with his own solution. That's for him to figure out,not you. JMHO

denny57

Welcome, jen

You've already gotten some great advice above. So I'll just comment on this statement. Why were these the 2 choices? Wouldn't you have to GIVE him the credit card? Couldn't you refuse? Couldn't you not leave a bottle of wine outside the door? If you think he'd just get it elsewhere, then let him! I had to learn not to contribute to the problem.

I'll be blunt: if the people around him don't take the disease seriously, why should he?

If you really want to help, I'd suggest at this point getting yourself educated about the disease of alcoholism and attending Al-Anon or some other support group.

Good luck to you.

MySecret

I know you are so right I have realised that, its just he has been borrwoing lots of money of people and he would have drunk far more if he went and borrowed money so I was trying to stop him having so much but I see this now isnt helping I have to let him make the mistakes. But you see he has owed so much money to poeple and I have to pay them bk out of our savings, he says he earnt the money, what can I do? I control all the finances for obvious reason, but now I think I have to draw a line and seperate our finances, I can see now why he was a bankrupt when we met the money thing is getting me down no sonner I save it he owes it to someone and we dont get anywhere, we earn good money to but are living like poorpers, scrimping and saving its stressing me out.

can I ask one thing he comes form a very abusive family background,father was alcoholic, left them etc, is this text book stuff, he never talks about it or says it doesnt affect him (clearly it does) if he talks about this in rehab will this help him combat the drinking or is family background nothing to do with it???

Pick-a-name

Hi Jen. Great idea about separating the finances.......now you are already beginning to see different options YOU have to help make YOUR life better! That is one of the great things about reaching out for help and support......from people who understand the crazy situations involved when you live with and/or love an addict.

As for the verbal abusiveness you mentioned......that is all a part of the disease in my AH's case......one of his "ISM's". As his alcoholism has progressed......so has is verbal abuse,especially when he drinks. (His dad,gf,etc were/are the same way I now know.) Usually AH "reserved" this treatment for those closest to him (me and our kids) and kept it hidden from the rest of the world. I have noticed recently, he flies into it with others now and in public sometimes. It is becoming noticable to others now I am sure. He is a highly functional A, and up until this point,we were the only ones who noticed and he has been able to deny the problems but this may help him feel more consequences of his actions with other folks,too. Time will tell. (Part of this could be we are not as convenient targets anymore.......we are not living with him and we do not put up with as much crap anymore either. In fact we had a incident this weekend were 24 y son kept a boundary and refused to argue on the phone or email....that is what AH called me about as I was responding to your first post). In our case it seems it is about him trying to have control....don't let him have it; disengage from it as best you can.

I would also recommend some resources that have helped me: "Under the Influence" by Dr. James Milam and Katerine Ketcham really explains alcoholism and the "Getting Them Sober" books give wonderful,practical advice to the problems of living with and loving an alcoholic.

Hope you stick around and post often.....you are helping so many when you do.

megamysterioso

He is in denial (by thinking his upbringing did not affect him in any way) and trying to escape the pain of his past. My AH has a similar past, but his dad is currently in his life and always has been off/on for the most part. My AH claims to have made peace with his past as well, but clearly those demons lurk and he needs MORE than detox to deal with those issues. I think it is necessary for men like our AH's to not only get sober, but to receive extensive counseling to deal with those painful issues that they have been numbing for all the years. It will take an active effort on their part to confront those painful memories and feelings head on. A good counselor to me is a must. Just my two cents.

denny57

If he gets sober then he can address his underlying problems, but the bottom line is getting sober. I didn't have the greatest childhood, either, so I empathize with those who have been through it growing up. Someone may start to drink to numb their pain, but that childhood abuse didn't cause the addiction. They are alcoholic. And when they realize they are alcoholic they need to make choices regarding that disease. Much like other people do with other diseases.

Keep coming back!