my husband is a VERY HIGHLY functional, heavy drinker
papagalo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LOS ANGELES, CA
Posts: 16
my husband is a VERY HIGHLY functional, heavy drinker
dear, dizzy94....before i begin, let me tell you about my husband:
he's got the sweetest eyes you ever did see. there's such love and sincerity in his eyes. he supports me in my career efforts. i totaled my car on the way home from work, then spent all the insurance money. i have no idea what on (i have terrible money management). my husband rode his bike to work so i could drive his car and work out, etc. then he began saving his money to help me buy a new car quicker. he gets up at the crack of dawn, works a very hard day, and comes home. he NEVER calls in sick. he cooks dinner. i get home late to find a plate of food waiting for me. sometimes there's a piece of chocolate for dessert. he does the laundry when i'm really tired. he asks me if i want him to run me a bath when i come home from work. "do your want your bath with or without candles, he asks?" he washes the dishes and scrubs the floor way more than i do. he pays his share of the bills, vacuums. he sings a song to me in bed saying that i'm "missss amerrrricaaaaa" when i'm feeling particularly ugly. he tickles me and makes me a cup of tea. he takes me to the movies and out to dinner regularly. and we love going camping and on weekend adventures. he kisses me before leaving for work and calls me twice during the work day to see how i'm doing. ooops! i forgot one thing: my husband is a very functional, heavy drinker.
you may have noticed that i didn't label him an "alcoholic" (even though i really want to!) well, my alanon sponsor has suggested that i not call him an "alcoholic" as alcoholism is a self-diagnose type of disease. "you don't know if he is or is not an alcoholic--and it's none of your business; keep the focus on yourself," she encouraged me. that may sound harsh, but keeping the focus on myself is one of the things that helps me recover. yes, we need recovery, too. if we're affected by someone's drinking, then we have every right to choose recovery. i can tell you this: my husband's heavy, consistent, binge-like drinking of beer REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bothers me. it sounds like you're bothered by your husband's drinking, as well.
i said last year if he drunk again i was going to leave him. one of the things that's read at alanon meetings are a loving list of "do's and dont's"--one of which is to not make threats you don't intend to carry out. well, i had every intention, but didn't have the heart. that's what's known as an "alanon slip." if you search my posts i'm sure you can read about an incident that was particularly upsetting to me.
anyway, i send you hugs, peaceful thoughts, and warm encouragement. my husband clearly tries to curb his drinking "for me." i put "for me" in quotes because he knows how much it bothers me...cuz girl it sure ain't botherin' him! ha ha ha! i also know that i am not powerful enough to make him stop drinking. it might be labelled as "quitting for me," but a person can only quit drinking for him- or herself. in alanon, this is known as "Step 1"--we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol (alcoholism, our alcoholic loved ones, other people's behaviour...take your pick), and that our lives had become unmanageable. i find it very hard to accept that the spitfire, drama queen that i am...that i don't have enough fuel or body mass to MAKE HIM STOP DRINKING! i really have to accept that not one day at a time, but usually a few minutes at a time!
case in point: my husband "quit" drinking for 2 months in 2004. quite a feat for him; however, i knew he'd drink again because there were 2 pints of heineken in the fridge that were sitting there those whole 2 months. like "Thing 1" & "Thing 2" staring at me every time i opened the fridge. did you read dr. seuss' "the cat in the hat?" Thing 1 & Thing 2 were 2 little guys that got let out of a big crate and wreaked havoc in 2 kids' house while their parents were away! ha ha ha!
anyway, i believe that if my husband were serious, he would've trashed those 2 beers. i believe his goal was to "get me comfortable" with him drinking by proving that he could quit whenever he want, and it'd be okay for him to start again. that may the reason, it may not. the point is my hurt, fear, and sadness does not have the power to stop him from drinking. the desire to drink is far more powerful than i could ever be. but i know God considerably stronger and wiser than me, and He is the only being that does have the ability to help me and my husband (this is step 2).
certain weeknights i get home late. it's those nights that he downs a six-pack of heineken. i don't think he can go a day without drinking heineken. if he doesn't do his usual 6-pack (or 5 of the 6), he'll drink 2 "pints." they're those tall green cans that are equivalent to a can and a half of "regular" beer (corona, budweiser, miller). I say "regular" because heineken is a VERY strong beer. much stronger than an american beer. certain days he doesn't drink, but girrrrrrrrl...when he does! he says he likes to "have a beer." i wish he would just say "have 6 beers," which is more accurate.
i used to focus on how much he was drinking like a cat watches fish in a tank! have you ever felt that way? in alanon, we're encouraged to keep the focus on ourselves, but when you live with someone, and you're sitting there in the room, sometimes you can't help but notice they're drinking, no matter what the amount.
i feel like i've rattled on...but you inspired me. i hope it helps to read this. if not, please continue reading and posting. i'm sure someone will have the encouragement you seek.
love, papagalo
he's got the sweetest eyes you ever did see. there's such love and sincerity in his eyes. he supports me in my career efforts. i totaled my car on the way home from work, then spent all the insurance money. i have no idea what on (i have terrible money management). my husband rode his bike to work so i could drive his car and work out, etc. then he began saving his money to help me buy a new car quicker. he gets up at the crack of dawn, works a very hard day, and comes home. he NEVER calls in sick. he cooks dinner. i get home late to find a plate of food waiting for me. sometimes there's a piece of chocolate for dessert. he does the laundry when i'm really tired. he asks me if i want him to run me a bath when i come home from work. "do your want your bath with or without candles, he asks?" he washes the dishes and scrubs the floor way more than i do. he pays his share of the bills, vacuums. he sings a song to me in bed saying that i'm "missss amerrrricaaaaa" when i'm feeling particularly ugly. he tickles me and makes me a cup of tea. he takes me to the movies and out to dinner regularly. and we love going camping and on weekend adventures. he kisses me before leaving for work and calls me twice during the work day to see how i'm doing. ooops! i forgot one thing: my husband is a very functional, heavy drinker.
you may have noticed that i didn't label him an "alcoholic" (even though i really want to!) well, my alanon sponsor has suggested that i not call him an "alcoholic" as alcoholism is a self-diagnose type of disease. "you don't know if he is or is not an alcoholic--and it's none of your business; keep the focus on yourself," she encouraged me. that may sound harsh, but keeping the focus on myself is one of the things that helps me recover. yes, we need recovery, too. if we're affected by someone's drinking, then we have every right to choose recovery. i can tell you this: my husband's heavy, consistent, binge-like drinking of beer REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bothers me. it sounds like you're bothered by your husband's drinking, as well.
i said last year if he drunk again i was going to leave him. one of the things that's read at alanon meetings are a loving list of "do's and dont's"--one of which is to not make threats you don't intend to carry out. well, i had every intention, but didn't have the heart. that's what's known as an "alanon slip." if you search my posts i'm sure you can read about an incident that was particularly upsetting to me.
anyway, i send you hugs, peaceful thoughts, and warm encouragement. my husband clearly tries to curb his drinking "for me." i put "for me" in quotes because he knows how much it bothers me...cuz girl it sure ain't botherin' him! ha ha ha! i also know that i am not powerful enough to make him stop drinking. it might be labelled as "quitting for me," but a person can only quit drinking for him- or herself. in alanon, this is known as "Step 1"--we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol (alcoholism, our alcoholic loved ones, other people's behaviour...take your pick), and that our lives had become unmanageable. i find it very hard to accept that the spitfire, drama queen that i am...that i don't have enough fuel or body mass to MAKE HIM STOP DRINKING! i really have to accept that not one day at a time, but usually a few minutes at a time!
case in point: my husband "quit" drinking for 2 months in 2004. quite a feat for him; however, i knew he'd drink again because there were 2 pints of heineken in the fridge that were sitting there those whole 2 months. like "Thing 1" & "Thing 2" staring at me every time i opened the fridge. did you read dr. seuss' "the cat in the hat?" Thing 1 & Thing 2 were 2 little guys that got let out of a big crate and wreaked havoc in 2 kids' house while their parents were away! ha ha ha!
anyway, i believe that if my husband were serious, he would've trashed those 2 beers. i believe his goal was to "get me comfortable" with him drinking by proving that he could quit whenever he want, and it'd be okay for him to start again. that may the reason, it may not. the point is my hurt, fear, and sadness does not have the power to stop him from drinking. the desire to drink is far more powerful than i could ever be. but i know God considerably stronger and wiser than me, and He is the only being that does have the ability to help me and my husband (this is step 2).
certain weeknights i get home late. it's those nights that he downs a six-pack of heineken. i don't think he can go a day without drinking heineken. if he doesn't do his usual 6-pack (or 5 of the 6), he'll drink 2 "pints." they're those tall green cans that are equivalent to a can and a half of "regular" beer (corona, budweiser, miller). I say "regular" because heineken is a VERY strong beer. much stronger than an american beer. certain days he doesn't drink, but girrrrrrrrl...when he does! he says he likes to "have a beer." i wish he would just say "have 6 beers," which is more accurate.
i used to focus on how much he was drinking like a cat watches fish in a tank! have you ever felt that way? in alanon, we're encouraged to keep the focus on ourselves, but when you live with someone, and you're sitting there in the room, sometimes you can't help but notice they're drinking, no matter what the amount.
i feel like i've rattled on...but you inspired me. i hope it helps to read this. if not, please continue reading and posting. i'm sure someone will have the encouragement you seek.
love, papagalo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi......thanks for your post. In an odd way, it really helped me. I'm in a codie-funk today (hopefully,short-lived funk). You made some good points but most of all..........you reminded me of some things. My AH is a highly functional one,too.........but not nearly as "functional" as he used to be and you reminded me of this because there were years that he did all those things you described in your first paragraph......even might still do some of them from time to time; but it slapped me in the face seeing the reality of the progression of theISMs.
Toby Rice Drews says that we alanons often make molehills out of mountains.......thanks for the reality check..I really needed to see the truth for what it is; like it or not.
Glad you are here.
Toby Rice Drews says that we alanons often make molehills out of mountains.......thanks for the reality check..I really needed to see the truth for what it is; like it or not.
Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
It's funny how we all see things so differently depending on our experience. My ex did very similar stuff to the things in your first paragraph (and more). However, I now know that he did all those things to put a lot of goodwill in the bank and get me hooked for when the $hit inevitably hit the fan. He was (and still is) a cynical manipulator.
I hope it works out for you, papagalo. And welcome.
p.s. Did you mean to send this as a PM, or is this a PM that you posted? Whichever, I am glad you did. There's some good stuff in there.
I hope it works out for you, papagalo. And welcome.
p.s. Did you mean to send this as a PM, or is this a PM that you posted? Whichever, I am glad you did. There's some good stuff in there.
papagalo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LOS ANGELES, CA
Posts: 16
thanks for replies
what's a "PM" anyway?
dear minnie,
of course, our experiences are different, you are right. it's really nice to talk to an Alanon person in England, i must say! because my spouse is English, and i had a terrible "prejudice" against English people after living with him for a year. i told myself that they were all "worthless, hopeless, disgusting, sloppy drunks." harsh words, i know. and completely untrue!!! but that's the rage...my rage! i have so much being married to someone who drinks like my husband. he only associates with english people who do not socialize without getting extremely drunk.
i met a great lady in an alanon meeting. i was REALLY having a bad day once, and she encouraged me. i got to a meeting that moment, she wouldn't let me keep ranting about my husband. i'll never forget her patient kindness, and how bad i felt after bashing alcoholics only to find out later in the conversation that she is a "double-winner"--an alanon AND a recovering alcoholic!!!
i know what you mean about manipulating. many times i have not wanted to do things with or for my husband because i think to myself, "what does he think i am? stupid? i know he's trying to be extra nice so that i won't be mad at him for being drunk yesterday, tomorrow, or whenever." ever feel like someone's trying to "buy you off?" that's the way i feel sometimes. i am not pollyanna perfect with my attitude!
i know this is a progressive disease, and 6 beers every other night or every night won't do the trick for long.
we alanons all have so many different experiences. one lady in a meeting i've attended has been married for 15 years to an untreated alcoholic. all the things that people told her would happen with him as his disease progressed didn't happen (or haven't happened yet). and there are those of us who are married to abusive, unemployed, psychotic and/or black-out drunks!
it's so hard.
dear minnie,
of course, our experiences are different, you are right. it's really nice to talk to an Alanon person in England, i must say! because my spouse is English, and i had a terrible "prejudice" against English people after living with him for a year. i told myself that they were all "worthless, hopeless, disgusting, sloppy drunks." harsh words, i know. and completely untrue!!! but that's the rage...my rage! i have so much being married to someone who drinks like my husband. he only associates with english people who do not socialize without getting extremely drunk.
i met a great lady in an alanon meeting. i was REALLY having a bad day once, and she encouraged me. i got to a meeting that moment, she wouldn't let me keep ranting about my husband. i'll never forget her patient kindness, and how bad i felt after bashing alcoholics only to find out later in the conversation that she is a "double-winner"--an alanon AND a recovering alcoholic!!!
i know what you mean about manipulating. many times i have not wanted to do things with or for my husband because i think to myself, "what does he think i am? stupid? i know he's trying to be extra nice so that i won't be mad at him for being drunk yesterday, tomorrow, or whenever." ever feel like someone's trying to "buy you off?" that's the way i feel sometimes. i am not pollyanna perfect with my attitude!
i know this is a progressive disease, and 6 beers every other night or every night won't do the trick for long.
we alanons all have so many different experiences. one lady in a meeting i've attended has been married for 15 years to an untreated alcoholic. all the things that people told her would happen with him as his disease progressed didn't happen (or haven't happened yet). and there are those of us who are married to abusive, unemployed, psychotic and/or black-out drunks!
it's so hard.
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