megamysterioso

Very true ICU and an excellent point. I honestly never took a deep look into myself to examine the role that I've been playing to perpetuate my unhealthty romantic relationships until very recently. Until I found SR and began to educate myself on co-dependency, I assumed the guy was simply a "jerk" or took on a non-chalant "I sure know how to pick 'em" attitude and move on to the next. Obviously, I don't know how to pick 'em and there are reasons behind why I choose the types of men I have chosen in my life. There are reasons why I've tolerated far too much in each of those relationships. There are reasons why I ignored red flags that perhaps would've sent others running for the hills. Getting down to discover oneself and break these natural patterns takes time and work. Great post.

ICU

Sorry, so not my intent. Just tried to remind us all, myself included, that recovery time is different for each of us. Apologize if my communication conveyed something different! Told 'ya I sometimes have trouble saying what I mean effectively. Guess that was yet just another fine example!

elizabeth1979

I wasnt clear in my statement ICU, that reads like I thought the condesencion and defensiveness was coming from you, which I don't believe to be the case...I should have made that more clear!

BohemiMamaof3

I really relate to your 1st paragraph Jazzman, and appreciate the whole thing overall. I also understand the sentiment in the OP- we do need a tough 'kick in the pants' and the reminder to 'quit whining' and do something about it. But like a pp said, being new here and being hesitant to air all the dirty laundry IRL, it is nice to find a place where you're not alone in the cr*p that alcoholism causes in your life. I'm a minister's wife, everyone expects me and my family to be perfect. My mother liberally uses the terms judgemental and hypocritical towards me any time I am even a little critical or suspicious of my ABro. I feel like the older brother in the Prodical Son parable - I'm the one that tries to be good to my parents, work hard, stay straight, decent wife, good mom, etc. and he gets a party for every time he insincerely and unsuccessfully "comes home". Wow, that was very un-compassionate. I do realize he's a human being, sick and full of his own struggles. I do hope & pray with all my heart that one day he will finally "come home" like the Prodical Son, once and for all. I find myself vasilating between being incredibly niave and believing the hugh amounts of cow dung my ABro serves us, or being all bitter and angry at him, and more at myself for believeing and getting suckered in again and again. Then I just feel plain old depressed because my brother might die and I don't even really know him. Does he even know himself? I have seen God change lives like this. My own for example. But when will it happen for ABrother?
Sorry this became a ranting vent.
My 2 cents.
Blessings,
EB

CatsTail

I was wondering last night where the steps are in all of this.

Like:
Step 1 "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable".

That's always a good one to work on when our life is unmanageable.
It;s really about us not the A. Alanon is full of tools to use which are pretty healthy.

Just my 2 cents worth. :bun5

Ngaire

reader

As of late, I have seen alot of pressure to dump the alcoholics in our lives. I think part of the alanon messages is too find happiness within our selves and around the alcoholic, not always a divorce. A perfect example is texas girl who may not be ready to leave her husband and whos feelings really seemed to get hurt with all the pressure. I think open support is more positve. I have been lurking because of this.

FormerDoormat

There are plenty of folks who choose to stay with their alcoholic loved ones on this forum. Equus is one, ASpouse is another, Suzanne is another, and I did, too. Nobody pressured us to leave our alcoholic loved ones. They simply pointed out that if we stayed we either needed to:

1) learn how to detach ourselves from our alcoholic's behavior and learn to live in harmony with them, or

2) do nothing and continue along our previous path and stop complaining about how miserable they are.

There are plenty of examples of folks on this forum who have provided support and encouragement for those of us who've decided to stay with our alcoholic loved ones.

The difference is the folks I've pointed out above were willing to make the necessary changes to live in harmony with their alcoholic loved ones.

As Patty pointed out, it's very frustrating to see people who continue to vent about how unhappy they are and how miserable their lives are and yet they are unwilling to make the necessary changes to improve their lives.

When serious emotional abuse or physical abuse comes into play, as opposed to just drunkeness, however, I am the first one to encourage folks to leave. The only way to stop that kind of abuse is to leave immediately.

LaTeeDa

I would also like to add that my encouraging of TexasGirl to leave was based on multitudes of previous posts regarding her "exit plan," "one more time and I'm gone," etc. I felt I was encouraging her to say what she means and mean what she says. I would not be so quick encourage someone to leave who truly expressed a desire to work on themselves while staying in their relationship. This is not a desire I remember TexasGirl ever expressing. I suppose that could be why many of us, myself included, jumped on the "leave him" bandwagon.

I completely understand that she may not be ready to leave. But, she really hasn't indicated that she is willing to stay with him as he is either.

L

LaTeeDa

Just wanted to clarify--encouraging her to leave her husband, not leave SR.

denny57

Perhaps I'm missing something - but I rarely see a lot of pressure to "dump" the alcoholic. I know I didn't dump my AH, I decided to take control of my own life and let him live his. I try to always encourage others to re-think how they treat themselves. If part of that is, even temporarily, getting out of an unhealthy relationship, so be it. Instead of seeing it as pressure to do so, I would see it as support that it is ok to take care of me and do it. For many of us it can be very difficult to think we should come first in the process.

sunshine003

I know that nobody here tried to encourage me to leave. I did recieve the truth, which I was in denial over. The truth was, as stated, that if I wanted to stay, I had to understand that HE wasn't going to change. As I began to understand this, *I* decided the things he did were unacceptable and I couldn't learn to live with it. *I* couldn't live in harmony with all the lies, etc. Nobody ever encouraged me to leave.

Now, with that said, when it came time to leave, I was hesitating and didn't want to do it. In a very loving way, everyone reminded me of all I was trying to deny again. I needed that at that time. But it was my decision and I believe I recieved a lot of support, respect and love in that.

CatsTail

I was becoming very verbal about "dumping" an A in someones life and I did use the word "dump". I tend to become a bit frustrated at times.

I did it knowing that isn't the thing to say so from now on it will be:

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (The A)

Courage to change the things I can (Me)

And the wisdom to know the difference.

And:

Step One "We admitted we were powerless over Alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Cheers,



Ngaire