dollface66

My husband is one of those"violent" alcoholics. When he drinks, he comes home and starts a fight with me.The last one was March 22nd and he put a utility knife to my throat and told me he wanted to kill me. The neighbors called the police after hearing him yelling and throwing things and he was arrested.The D.A. here set aside the charges and opted to put him in drug and alcohol counseling. Sounds good right? The deal is,he knows his counselor and she tells him ahead of time when he'll be tested and only makes him see her once a week.She suggested antibuse but he said no.That was the end of that conversation. Isn't she SUPPOSED to help him? NOT make things easier for him.
He went out Mon. night and never came home. When I called his counselor to tell her, her reply was"So,he slipped".
What I want to know is....where is there proper help????
A new counselor would be great but where I'm from there are only 2 counselors available.

sunshine003

OUCH. Wish I knew or had some advice. That sounds scary. I don't think having a knife put to your throat is normal behavior that can be blamed on alcohol alone....something is seriously wrong with him. You feel safe still living with him?

denny57

Welcome, dollface

Sounds like you're in a pretty dangerous situation from all angles. What are you doing for yourself? Do you have numbers for shelters, etc. Are you getting any therapy or other support? Al-Anon? What type of counselor are you talking about for your husband? Is she state certified? If so, she needs to be reported. Have you heard anything about the other one?

I'm sorry I've asked more questions than support at this point, but I'm not clear from your post all that you are doing.

Please take care.

ASpouse

Did you press charges against him? My next thought is to call the DA and explain to them what his inept stupid counsellor has done ..... she has virtually put your life in danger ....... she should be fired from her position.

dollface66

Of course I don't feel safe living with him when he drinks. Sober I know he'd never hurt me. It's only when he drinks that he gets violent.

Brammy

I'm responding to this because it brings up horrendous memories for me. Run DO NOT WALK to the nearest exit. My ex ABF was my first voluntary relationship with an alcoholic but I grew up around alcoholics. Your situation sounds like that of my grandparents. He would be violent when he drank and she wound up in the hospital on more than one occasion. When he put the knife to her throat the last time, he did NOT stop and did indeed cut her throat. He was the sweetest person except when he drank.

Even through family intervention, my grandmother still went back to him. We are all waiting for the funeral, his or hers. They are both getting on in years so either could go but she may go by HIS hand.

I'm sharing this because it only gets worse. They have been married for 62 years and the violence has only escalated.

RUN DON'T WALK!!!

dollface66

Yes I pressed charges against him,but the police couldn't find the knife he used(he hid it in the basement) so they dropped it down to harrassment.
I never thought of calling the D.A. Thank you for the suggestion.

dollface66

I've been to Al-Anon and to counselors and to our local C.A.P.S.E.A. chapter ( citizens against physical,emotional,sexual abuse). I have their number on speed dial,just in case.When my husband is sober he's the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. He's only violent when he drinks. His counselor is state certified and she's a drug and alcohol counselor.The other counselor he refuses to go to because his son was just arrested several times for drugs himself.I'm sure many will ask why I don't just leave. I'm scared that if I leave he'll die or kill someone innocent drinking and driving. If I don't stand by his side, who will?

Pick-a-name

UGH............the insanity never ends it seems!

Of course, protect yourself first. Do what you need to for that.

I would report the "counselor" as suggested but also you can file a formal complaint. My son did against a family counselor we saw. He got some form from the state board that oversees them on our state (Ohio) and filled them out and submitted them. He was recently notified that a board reviewed this and thanked him for his help and that they have lodged two official complaints against this man because of it. I think you need to be willing to et it be known who is making the report in our state, but I may be wrong, and I am sure it is all explained on the form.

Best of luck to you, AH and anyone caught up in that system.....needs some help from the sounds of things. He had a problem with officials in our area in a similar but different situation........very,very sad and harmful!

BigSis

Dollface...

The problem that I see is that alcoholism is unpredicatble... in my own drinking career, the unpredictability is what drove me nuts. I would stop off at the bar for 1 or 2 beers with a friend... and end up staying the night and drinking 15.

And I not only had no intention of doing that - toward the end, I was working desperately to NOT do that!

I couldn't predict it and I couldn't control it....

So how will you know when will be the next time your life will be in danger?

Waiting for that is worse than waiting for a tornado to destroy your home. At least with a tornado, there is some chance it will not hit your home. With alcoholism, you are guaranteed that it will. You just won't know when.

Now would be a good time to work on your relationship with him from a distance. If you were looking for advice, I would suggest getting your own place and getting safe before worrying about how to handle his disease/condition of alcohlism. That is based on my own experience.

If you can't do that right now, at the very least I would suggest you pack a "safety" bag containing a change of clothes, toiletries, a bit of cash and a credit card... keep it in the garage or trunk of your car or someplace you can get to in case you need to run.

Because as the alcoholism progresses... so will the violence.

I pray you can stay safe.

LaTeeDa

You are putting his life and the lives of others ahead of your own. You apparently feel the need to "stand by his side" even though he is capable of harming you or even killing you. You may want to seek some support for yourself to find out why you do this.

As always, my opinion only.

L

sunshine003

you said if you don't stand by his side who will? You might not be around to do just that.

I for one, am scared for you. I wouldn't put my safety ahead of "loving him." He is obviously out of control when he drinks. He needs to deal with what he does, what happens when he drinks on his own. Instead of having you there tohelp him "fix" it. If he kills someone, that is HIS PROBLEM to deal with. What if that person is you? Then you aren't going to be around to help.

Maybe you putting your safety first is just the thing that would help him make a change.

TomsGirl

I'm sure many will ask why I don't just leave. I'm scared that if I leave he'll die or kill someone innocent drinking and driving. If I don't stand by his side, who will?

How are you going to save any innocent victims by being around? As for the last sentence, who is standing by you?

You know what they say "The squeaky wheel gets the grease". I would be making a lot of noise to anyone in any official capacity that was within earshot.

Brammy

Dollface, listen to yourself rationalizing irrational behavior. More than that, taking responsibility for something you can't control. Who will stop him from killing YOU in a drunken rage when Mr nice guy disappears? Then who will stop him from killing some innocent person?

I'm not putting you down. We all go through the rationalization process trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. IT ONLY GETS WORSE UNLESS HE GETS HELP. Please read and post and hopefully you will be away from that situation before it gets even more out of control. Help him by helping yourself. Learn to deal with why you feel that you don't deserve any betterthan this. God!! I thought I stayed too long but the prospect of having my life threatened makes my blood run cold.

ASpouse

How self serving and arrogant of you to think you can possibly have that much influence and power over someone. Think about it?

If you don't stand by him, well gee, I guess he'll have to stand on his own two feet and accept the consequences of his actions, a foreign concept to him it seems.

pmaslan

Quote:
I'm scared that if I leave he'll die or kill someone innocent drinking and driving. If I don't stand by his side, who will?


Did you ever consider that this can/may happen with you there or not?
If he is out drinking and driving now with you at his side how will that save
him or anyone else in the event of an accident.
You can not prevent anything by being with him....
what will happen will happen regardless.

splendra

Just because the only time he is violent is when he drinks does not mean that drinking is what is causing the violence drinking is just his way of giving himself permission to be violent.

I have not ever known anyone who could work it out with a violent partner they just had to leave when they finally got tired enough of it and go on about thier own life...

cinderellawkids

You definately need to report the counselor. My husbands very first drug counselor sounds similar. He was supposed to arrested if he failed the tests, she did not take them. He'd spend the money he was supposed to take her to buy more drugs and never show to see her. I finally, very scared called her and told her he was still using and if he said not he was fooling her and she needed to help him. Instead she told him I had called after assuring me she would not. She also told him shed sign release papers from treatment. Fortunately he was sober that day, it would have been a mess if he's been under the influence. He came home and after we discussed it, he called her superior alleging that if he'd been a violent person, she could ahve put my life in danger, and I was only trying to help. She no longer works there. I know good drug counselors are hard to find, but isnt none better than one who encourages dishonesty? Isnt recovery supposed to be about honesty?

denny57

You can support him from a distance if it means saving your life. When I was going through this process, I tried looking at things from different angles. If you remove yourself to safety, it doesn't mean you have to remove him from your life. I do hope you take seriously the real threat to your life. Take care.

Pick-a-name

IMHO, anyone who puts a knife to someone's throat shouldn't have anyone beside them. Love him from a distance, but please be safe. He is sick but you know enough to get out of his way. Please keep your distance; he needs help, but not from you. You can not help him with this....but you CAN protect yourself from being hurt or worse. Most of the people who have been hurt or killed by their SO never thought it woucl/could happen either.