ASpouse

For me to leave an internet board, I usually have to get tossed off by the mods! LOL

megamysterioso

Right on Judy . Keep up your good work. I for one have learned a great deal from reading of your experiences and your blunt honestly has often made me look at things with a totally different perspective. I appreciate you and thank you.

gypsyrose

I only found this place a month ago and it was after the biggest eruption in our family had come to a place of some resolution. It's been a month or so since my ultimatum to my AH and he continues to be making a sincere effort towards recovery. Has he quit drinking entirely? No, but has reduced a lot, he is attending AA and Lifeline meetings at least a couple of times a week, he is reading, he is thinking and he is communicating with me about a lot of what he is working on. He is trying and I am happy about that. I also know there is a good possibility that he will fall along the way and I hope you all are supportive when I come here to talk about it. I hope my AH keeps getting better and I hope we continue making progress in our relationship with each other. I hope the alcohol does not take my husband away from me again. It's scarey to know that's still a possibility but it helps to know that this place is here for support. I have found the discourse here much more helpful than Alanon meetings because of the cross talk and people's ability to be open about how they feel here... whether I agree with them or not. I think everyone her contributes something useful and that there is enough diversity to give things a healthy sense of balance or balance of sense.

ASpouse

I guess gypsyrose, and I'm hijacking here for the moment ....... he hasn't completely stopped drinking and he's going to AA and to Lifeline and you hope the drinking won't take him away from you again?

Can I ask? What's the point of him doing the programs if he's still drinking. If he is truly an alcoholic then he cannot drink at all. He's playing you .....

Ok, back to topic now, sorry folks!

pmaslan

I personally don't think the message boards, SR in particular is meant
for Bi**h sessions. I feel it is a place to share experiences and a place
to possibly find relief for current concerns.
I get frustrated sometimes because I feel some folks are losing sight
of the sites very purpose.
If some feel like they are pounced on, they are probably right...
I know I felt that too.
Let me ask you, if everyone said "poor baby, you poor thing, you are
so right you SO is so wrong all the time, what would you learn?"
As Judy said the internet can be a cold place without the benefit of
tone of voice and human touch.....
And for the record I ain't going anywhere either...
Not as long as I think I can contribute to anyone's sense of well being.

megamysterioso

__________________


Good. I'm sure no one here would benefit by you leaving and you have a great deal to contribute. You just inspired people with your own thread today. There will always be ranting I'm sure b/c too many people in various stages of their lives/recovery are here and posting. I think we should all remain honest in our responses to others. I would never want to be pacified by anyone. This board was meant for honesty IMO.

long at this

I think it is very important to realize that all of our recovery is going to be very different. The length if time, depth of the relationship and ongoing contact is going to play out in our behavoir. I have been connected to this forum off and on for sometime now. I did have to give myself a time out, as I think we all might need at some point, hopefully I can return and be more supportive.
It is very different leaving your alcoholic when you are married to them... in my case 24 years. When children are involved it is a whole different ballgame.......in my case 3 grown children. I really don't know if you can ever really recover. Yes it gets better, but that person is ALWAYS going to be a part of your life. Yes I have done counsoling,Alanon and so on. Life goes on but the relationship is still their. The new members that come here, I feel your pain as it was yesterday. You will have slips and ups and downs. I envy those of you who have only had to put up with an alcoholic for a few years and then walked away, not that the pain was any less, but your recovery will be much easier. I understand the struggles and fear around leaving. I had to walk away from a home I lived in for 20 years not an easy thing to do. I have to hear the pain in my childrens voices when they have to deal with dear old drunk dad. Many of you get frustrated with the stories and on going pain, but for many of us that person will be a around due to circumstances beyond our control and we need this place to come to deal with these stages of intolerence. Even though our stories are much the same, the time and thought process we need to recover is very differnt.

megamysterioso

Thank you for your touching post long at this. It shows a great level of care and understanding. I am sorry for the pain you have gone through in your life and can imagine that it was anything but easy to walk away. You are absolutely right to say that our thought processes are very different where recovery is concerned. Keep doing your best and again, thank you.

Jazzman

Phffft! I dunno! Good question.
All I can relate is from my own experience... awareness, acceptance and action so to speak. It took me just over two years for the process to come to fruition, (beyond just the planning stages and time for the second then third strike).<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

I remember the flood of new folks coming here back in December... it was astonishing! I remember thinking my gawd! What the heck is wrong with the human race to drive so many people to this point of desperation!<o:p></o:p>

So is there some kind of post number or time limit before one is no longer considered a freshman? <o:p></o:p>

I know, it's all about recovery level. I think when your compassion returns you should get a smiley sticker <o:p></o:p>

pmaslan

Jazz...I think the recovery period for us codies as it is for those addicted
is ongoing...
If I forget or become lazy I have the potential of ending up at square one.
I need to stay in the moment and connected to myself.
Compassion, always have it ...it's that thing called frustration and
being human that gets in my way sometimes.....

denny57

Mega, it's your decision, of course - but do you think any of the side business would be helpful to others in recovery? Some of my greatest growth has been from something someone has shared that they have done.

I was at a stage some time ago when no one could "tell" me what to do or even make a suggestion that I had choices. At that time I would have also left the board. But when I was ready - in other words, now - I'd be back with some humility to maybe listen and learn. It's a process.

p.s. patty - do you know how long it took me to realize sometimes there are no answers? take my age and subtract 6 months!

Jazzman

Patty,I should have typed when OUR compassion returns WE should get a smiley sticker...
That's what I meant. (not directed at you)

pmaslan

Jazz, I knew what you meant.....I was having a me, me , me moment
and directed to me....LOL

megamysterioso

Not particularly enough to start a new thread about it. I try and relay my own experiences in my replies. When I'm out on my own and away from the madness where I can stop and actually think about it all--- from a fresh perspective with absolutely NO fog whatsoever, then yes I'll share. Right now I'm being nice and don't feel the urge to be otherwise with AH (I'm really not angry with him, just sick of my situation with him). I'm still sticking to the plan of filing divorce by mid-May and am trying to get an apartment secured by 6/1. AH does not know this although I cannot imagine why he would think my intent to divorce him has somehow changed. I've never said my plans have changed. We've had one too many serious conversation about it and Friday I gave him my answer. That was my concrete answer and still is. I'm trying to keep up with my work and the daily grind of life the best I can today.

ilovebdj

I don't think there should be any set "rules" here. Some people just google and end up here, as I did. I've had my gripes and I've also tried to support others. I think this site is what it is. It has helped me tremendously to reread others posts as well. I am in the beginning of my recovery period and I hope I can come to vent once in awhile as well. If there aren't enough positive threads on recovery, start one! I think Jazzman hit it on the head w/ saying that newbies come here raw and hurting. I don't think there was one newbie who googled "happy times with alcoholic" and happened upon this site. It is unfortunate, but true. I try to take what I can and leave the rest.

I guess when things are going good, the gripers forget to post that stuff too. A lesson for myself, as I am guilty as well for any positive milestone. I will definitely remember to share the good with the bad here. xoxoxo

equus

Errrrr... sometimes it's a starting point, we can't KNOW where that effort will lead, maybe it is for a short term to appease - maybe it will lead to more. It can lead to more, remember trying to control drinking is in the diagnostic criteria fo alcohol dependency - 'cos so many people do TRY.

Ok - back on topic but knowing someone rather well who tried for years and wasn't 'playing' anyone - just trying, I feel that needed to be said.

ICU

It's in different stages on different time-tables for different people. Some 'get it sooner', some 'get it later', and, some never will get it. But each post typed is one step taken; one step closer.

I think we need to remember what it was like when we first discovered we needed to make changes in ourselves and just how weird that felt. Many of us aren't just looking to correct a year's worth of unhealthy behavior! For some of us, it's more like correcting a life time worth of unhealthy behavior. It sometimes requires that some of us change everything we know, were taught by example, thought, and believed in. That is like creating a whole new person. How overwhelming that can feel. It's a huge task, but easier to accomplish when taken step-by-step.

Sure, it's frustrating at times when people don't get it as soon as we would like. I've been frustrated too! Being here, sure, I've made my mistakes; said things I wish I hadn't. But, from those mistakes, I've learned to temper my responses. My frustration is not so much that they aren't getting it, but rather I'm doubtful that I am communicating in a way that is easily understood. I'm struggling with feelings and as a result, my communication unfortunately reflects that. I've often said that I am the most frustrating person I know!

We don't make people into monsters for they are responsible for their own behavior, correct? Sometimes alcoholics, and yes, even people without addiction issues behave as monsters. I see nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade in the spirit of venting anger! Although it's true that lingering in that stage is unhealthy. But venting to get it out and move on...that's cool!

Not everyone realizes that they do indeed have choices. What an enlightening moment it is when they finally discover they can choose to stay or to leave! It just takes some of us longer than others to figure it out.

What did Melody Beattie say? Trust the timing of your lessons! She didn't say do it according to others' time-tables.

elizabeth1979

I understand this ICU. I understand it perfectly. Its not imperative at this juncture for me to explain to you why it is exactly that I understand this and enlighten anyone as to my more than a year or unhealthy choices...but yes, I am clear on that.

I dont get frustrated when someone doesnt get it. I hurt for them and their pain, but i have no timetables for anyones recovery but mine.

My comments were not even indirectly referencing a time table for where I think someone else should be.

I am sensing some condesencion and defensiveness that I didnt mean to spawn.

pmaslan

ICU Quote....
But venting to get it out and move on...that's cool!
..............and this is key....

minnie

SE - I have felt the same on occasion. Then I do one of 2 things, or sometimes both. I read back over my old posts. And I find something useful to post about recovery - either in one of my books, a link from another site or bumping up something from the basement.

Please don't turn this into a "them" and "us" situation - we're all in this together. There was a magic line for me in recovery and once I crossed it, my whole outlook changed. But I couldn't tell you what day that was and even if I could, it wouldn't do anyone else any good as it is personal to me.

This site could not have worked in the way it has for me if it wasn't for those that had gone before encouraging me along the way.