help?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by kermit
but when he makes that choice to get better, When and if he ever does I hope he will realize how much I have loved him, by letting go. I don't even know if I make sense.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
last night while i was working she sent me 3 texts...one asking if i d answer if she called second oh you re at work right and the last one saying she knew i was pissed at her but she had something she needed to discuss.....i tried to text back discuss what but i m sure by then she d gone to bed or had to turn her phone back in
any ideas on what she wants to discuss?
my coworker and i think that she wants to discuss getting back together with me as has been her pattern.
I am going to tell her if she really wants to be with me then she needs to have a women's coalition , etc, help her to move out and leave him and if she does that i will gladly take her back. I do not think that is too harsh or too much to ask of her.
your thoughts??
any ideas on what she wants to discuss?
my coworker and i think that she wants to discuss getting back together with me as has been her pattern.
I am going to tell her if she really wants to be with me then she needs to have a women's coalition , etc, help her to move out and leave him and if she does that i will gladly take her back. I do not think that is too harsh or too much to ask of her.
your thoughts??
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I'm still suggesting you look into that word "codependant". There's a good book (and it's recommended by many) called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
You are saying that if she leaves her husband, you will gladly take her back. However, I got the impression that she's left him plenty of times - only to go back again.
Until she gets healthy - she is more than likely going to follow that same pattern.
And until YOU get healthy - you will probably follow the same patterns too.
Many people approach this board, Alanon, counseling, etc. in search of finding ways to help their alcoholic loved one - or how to get them to stop drinking - or how to get them to get their act together.
They soon realize that you can't change or control another person or their addiction. It becomes a lesson in how to change yourself and your own life.
This wasn't the case with me as I'd already come to that realization and was out to help myself - but you can read through this board and find many posts in that regard when members were newcomers.
You are so worried about HER and what SHE is going to do. Playing this situation and your hopes over and over in your head - it seems to be consuming you. This behavior happens to all of us when we are in that codependant mode - life is about them, not us.
Regardless of the outcome with this woman - you truly need to get a grip on YOU and YOUR life.
You are saying that if she leaves her husband, you will gladly take her back. However, I got the impression that she's left him plenty of times - only to go back again.
Until she gets healthy - she is more than likely going to follow that same pattern.
And until YOU get healthy - you will probably follow the same patterns too.
Many people approach this board, Alanon, counseling, etc. in search of finding ways to help their alcoholic loved one - or how to get them to stop drinking - or how to get them to get their act together.
They soon realize that you can't change or control another person or their addiction. It becomes a lesson in how to change yourself and your own life.
This wasn't the case with me as I'd already come to that realization and was out to help myself - but you can read through this board and find many posts in that regard when members were newcomers.
You are so worried about HER and what SHE is going to do. Playing this situation and your hopes over and over in your head - it seems to be consuming you. This behavior happens to all of us when we are in that codependant mode - life is about them, not us.
Regardless of the outcome with this woman - you truly need to get a grip on YOU and YOUR life.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
hi all!
well she texted me throughout the night while i was at work
she told me now instead of 3 weeks inpatient and 1 week outpatient that she is now in patient for 28 days, is that unusual?
also asked if i d come saturday during visiting hours as she'd like to talk to me.
it is unusual for us to have only seen each other for about 5 minutes in the last 8 days, so maybe she is missing me and realizing she needs to make changes?
why else would she now be inpatient for 28 days?
help?
well she texted me throughout the night while i was at work
she told me now instead of 3 weeks inpatient and 1 week outpatient that she is now in patient for 28 days, is that unusual?
also asked if i d come saturday during visiting hours as she'd like to talk to me.
it is unusual for us to have only seen each other for about 5 minutes in the last 8 days, so maybe she is missing me and realizing she needs to make changes?
why else would she now be inpatient for 28 days?
help?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
are you listening to yourself? You not only ask your friends, co-workers, etc to play the "predict the outcome" game, you're asking us to.
Look, I've been there in that game....I know what you're going through. I know you're thinking "maybe this is it and she's gone for good" and that terrifies you, that is obvious. She is yoru main concern right now. not you, not what she's done to you, not what you're doing to yourself, just her....it's all about her. You need to worry about yourself and what you want and stop putting so much into what she is going to do, is doing, etc.
She'll come back to you if you want her to, she has problems and she doesn't sound all that serious about making changes because she is texting you at a time where her concern and focus should be on getting sober. so YES< she will come back to you if you let her just as you always have...more than likely.
we get that you'll take her back is she moves out....she gets that you'll take her back is she moves out. I bet everyone knows that you'll take her back.
does this answer your questions?
I hope you'll consider discovering why it is you are willing to do so much for someone who doesn't seem to return this same type of "love" to you.
Look, I've been there in that game....I know what you're going through. I know you're thinking "maybe this is it and she's gone for good" and that terrifies you, that is obvious. She is yoru main concern right now. not you, not what she's done to you, not what you're doing to yourself, just her....it's all about her. You need to worry about yourself and what you want and stop putting so much into what she is going to do, is doing, etc.
She'll come back to you if you want her to, she has problems and she doesn't sound all that serious about making changes because she is texting you at a time where her concern and focus should be on getting sober. so YES< she will come back to you if you let her just as you always have...more than likely.
we get that you'll take her back is she moves out....she gets that you'll take her back is she moves out. I bet everyone knows that you'll take her back.
does this answer your questions?
I hope you'll consider discovering why it is you are willing to do so much for someone who doesn't seem to return this same type of "love" to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
well maybe she doesn't want me back....texted me she keeps hearnig songs when we were together....said she misses me dearly, knew she would....said our coworker is prob pissed at her (for breaking up with me again), asked if i was going to visit saturday but would not answer what she needed to discuss
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Well..go I say go to the rehab..often as not they will tell you that you need to go to an Alanon meeting..
or two or three..
Listen - you will not be any help to her recovery if you don't get any help yourself..
Do you love her another to change yourself for the better?
Just because she is in rehab doesn't mean anything as changed..
How long do you want to keep suffering is the question...
or two or three..
Listen - you will not be any help to her recovery if you don't get any help yourself..
Do you love her another to change yourself for the better?
Just because she is in rehab doesn't mean anything as changed..
How long do you want to keep suffering is the question...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
[QUOTE=sunshine003]
She'll come back to you if you want her to, she has problems and she doesn't sound all that serious about making changes because she is texting you at a time where her concern and focus should be on getting sober. so YES< she will come back to you if you let her just as you always have...more than likely.
what makes you so sure she wants to come back? the texts? her history?
She'll come back to you if you want her to, she has problems and she doesn't sound all that serious about making changes because she is texting you at a time where her concern and focus should be on getting sober. so YES< she will come back to you if you let her just as you always have...more than likely.
what makes you so sure she wants to come back? the texts? her history?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
nobody can say if she'll change or when she'll change. I don't sugest you do anything besides start putting yourself first.
Her history, your history....the dance we've all been through with an alcoholic, that's what tells me she'll come back. if she didn't want to why would she text you and ask you to visit? to tell you goodbye? that's just weird. her words don't speak of someone who wants it over or of someone who is concentrating on recovery.
your words don't speak of someone who is concerned with themselves either. they scream, "what do you think she'll do, will she come back to me" etc. you are in desperate mode. and we have all been there. but aren't you tired of being desperate? aren't you tired of this?
Her history, your history....the dance we've all been through with an alcoholic, that's what tells me she'll come back. if she didn't want to why would she text you and ask you to visit? to tell you goodbye? that's just weird. her words don't speak of someone who wants it over or of someone who is concentrating on recovery.
your words don't speak of someone who is concerned with themselves either. they scream, "what do you think she'll do, will she come back to me" etc. you are in desperate mode. and we have all been there. but aren't you tired of being desperate? aren't you tired of this?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
In each post all you do is focus on HER..
We've given you lots of suggestions about YOUR recovery..
Go to Alanon meetings, get a therapist, read "Co-dependent no more"..would be a start..
No contact with her at all..
You need to get help as much as she does..I'm not sure you are ready to see that yet..
We've given you lots of suggestions about YOUR recovery..
Go to Alanon meetings, get a therapist, read "Co-dependent no more"..would be a start..
No contact with her at all..
You need to get help as much as she does..I'm not sure you are ready to see that yet..
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Originally Posted by greenapplecider
what would you all suggest i do for recovery?
so none of you think she will ever change?
so none of you think she will ever change?
Let me be blunt here.
If you read back through this thread, suggestions have been made for what you can do to start YOUR recovery. I am not even sure you are actually digesting any of the words that are being written here.
Secondly, it's also been said on this thread that yes, we believe she is going to want to come back to you - this is the pattern the two of you have.
Do I think she will ever change? NOT until SHE REALLY WANTS too!!!!!! And you know what - there is NOTHING you can do about that!!!!
Recovery for someone is about them as an individual. She is leaning on you and you are enabling her to be exactly as she is.
This game between the two of you is going to continue for the rest of your life until you get a grip on yourself and start focusing on you and your life - with or without her! Just as her recovery is NOT going to happen if she is focused on you and what she can get from you - she has to focus on her and her sobriety!!
AA also recommends that no major changes be made within a year - this includes starting new relationships - which is to give the person time to recover and get their life together before they start enmeshing other people.
FORGET about her for a minute!!!!!!!!!!!! What is that YOU want for YOU and YOUR life??????
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I don't think you are ready to see iteither. I think you want us to look at the crystal ball and help you feel better. You want to find some relief and you look for it through her. Once ya'll are back together I bet all is well for a bit. Like the honeymoon period before the ball drops and BAM, you're back to this situation or something similar.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Look..if you don't believe me..
read it from some recovery A's point of view in the other forum. I've attached a link.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ong-90787.html
read it from some recovery A's point of view in the other forum. I've attached a link.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ong-90787.html
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