help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
help?
Hi all!
I am new here.
My now apparently ex-girlfriend has just finished day 7 of treatment.
she is a meth addict and has used alcohol to deal with some problems as well.
She asked for my ball cap and sweatshirt to be "close to me" when she is in the facility.
but then after all i ve done to be there for her unconditionally thru the meth use that she revealed to me after 5 months of using it, thru her job loss, thru many breakups, ups and downs (she has bipolar) , thru psych ward, thru a suicide attempt, she chose to go back to her ex whom is abusive, controlling, manipulating.
I am frustrated because for 5 months i tried to show how she is worthy to be loved like i do, and worthy to be treated the way i treat her, and yet after all this she has gone back to an ex that treats her like a sex object, belittles her, threatend her, blackmailed, raped, physically abused her.
All i have done is loved her unconditionally and now i am the one that is left out
Any help would be appreciated :-)
I am new here.
My now apparently ex-girlfriend has just finished day 7 of treatment.
she is a meth addict and has used alcohol to deal with some problems as well.
She asked for my ball cap and sweatshirt to be "close to me" when she is in the facility.
but then after all i ve done to be there for her unconditionally thru the meth use that she revealed to me after 5 months of using it, thru her job loss, thru many breakups, ups and downs (she has bipolar) , thru psych ward, thru a suicide attempt, she chose to go back to her ex whom is abusive, controlling, manipulating.
I am frustrated because for 5 months i tried to show how she is worthy to be loved like i do, and worthy to be treated the way i treat her, and yet after all this she has gone back to an ex that treats her like a sex object, belittles her, threatend her, blackmailed, raped, physically abused her.
All i have done is loved her unconditionally and now i am the one that is left out
Any help would be appreciated :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
granted they had been married and had child but she had repeatedly said she had no feelings anymore and she was with me and the divorce would be final soon etc etc.....throughout their marriage he had made her dress a certain way, makeup, etc, look a certain way, etc etc
through our relationship i told her dress how you want makeup or no coz i think youare gorgeous no matter what
and i was always complimenting her, and doting on her, buying her things, etc.
and she would always ask "why me?" i said coz i love you and am here for you throughtout this. She d always tell me that i was "her rock" and that she'd need me coz treatment and addiciton would be so hard, and having me here would be such a strength for her.
and now? she has tossed me away granted she says she is sorry she has hurt me but....
through our relationship i told her dress how you want makeup or no coz i think youare gorgeous no matter what
and i was always complimenting her, and doting on her, buying her things, etc.
and she would always ask "why me?" i said coz i love you and am here for you throughtout this. She d always tell me that i was "her rock" and that she'd need me coz treatment and addiciton would be so hard, and having me here would be such a strength for her.
and now? she has tossed me away
granted she says she is sorry she has hurt me but....
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
While in active use... and sometimes even after... addicts tend to think "all about me". It sounds as though you served her needs when she needed you, and now she does not.
You might consider checking out a few Alanon meetings (it was suggested to me to go to 6 meetings). While in Alanon, I've discovered that I have long been attracted to alcoholic and addicted people. Figuring out "why" and what are some warning signs was a direct result of attending meetings and 12-step step studies.
That is all I can offer right now - someone else will be along (if they haven't been posting already!) to offer other viewpoints. I wish you the best.
Oops... PS.. Welcome to Sober Recovery!! (SR) Lots of good information here - and wonderful, wonderful people.
You might consider checking out a few Alanon meetings (it was suggested to me to go to 6 meetings). While in Alanon, I've discovered that I have long been attracted to alcoholic and addicted people. Figuring out "why" and what are some warning signs was a direct result of attending meetings and 12-step step studies.
That is all I can offer right now - someone else will be along (if they haven't been posting already!) to offer other viewpoints. I wish you the best.
Oops... PS.. Welcome to Sober Recovery!! (SR) Lots of good information here - and wonderful, wonderful people.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
well througout our relationship she d be up and down (whether from bipolar up n down or meth up n down) and would break up then a few days later call apologize we'd talk and then get back together with her promising no more breakups etc....says she loves me but still has feelings now for the ex...whom has never been there for her.....
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
When I have been involved with destructive people, I do not even notice that they don't treat me well. My thinking is all about what more can I do to be the kind of person they want?
Now that I am nearly 50, I think I finally figured out that if "they" (male/female friends/relatives) don't want me as I am, I don't need to change ME, I need to change friends.
Now that I am nearly 50, I think I finally figured out that if "they" (male/female friends/relatives) don't want me as I am, I don't need to change ME, I need to change friends.
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when we are together we are very good
lots of smiling hugs kisses holding giggling
we are a perfect match but invariably she "runs" it seems when she is too happy etc....just the other day my mother had told me to tell her that she thought that the woman was my soulmate and the woman was all smily and blushing and saying wow your mom said that about me....then a few days later is when the ex went and visited her and poof after over and over telling me she had no feelings for him and he depressed her and she had ended up in psych ward the last time she had broke up with me due to being so depressed at losing me....and now? apparently she is with the ex again...
lots of smiling hugs kisses holding giggling
we are a perfect match but invariably she "runs" it seems when she is too happy etc....just the other day my mother had told me to tell her that she thought that the woman was my soulmate and the woman was all smily and blushing and saying wow your mom said that about me....then a few days later is when the ex went and visited her and poof after over and over telling me she had no feelings for him and he depressed her and she had ended up in psych ward the last time she had broke up with me due to being so depressed at losing me....and now? apparently she is with the ex again...
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Welcome Greenapple
A couple things came to mind as I read your post. I can tell you are hurting, and I'm sorry you are going through this. You don't say, but did you ever meet the ex? It could be she said all those things while under the influence just to paint him in a bad light. I'm sure my AH is telling whoever he is with that I am a psycho b**ch who only wanted to control him (I'm guessing that is what he is saying because he said it to me!)
You were very compassionate to stand by her through this; she was lucky to have you. Try to take this time to take care of yourself - Al-Anon, etc. and see what time brings.
Good luck.
A couple things came to mind as I read your post. I can tell you are hurting, and I'm sorry you are going through this. You don't say, but did you ever meet the ex? It could be she said all those things while under the influence just to paint him in a bad light. I'm sure my AH is telling whoever he is with that I am a psycho b**ch who only wanted to control him (I'm guessing that is what he is saying because he said it to me!)
You were very compassionate to stand by her through this; she was lucky to have you. Try to take this time to take care of yourself - Al-Anon, etc. and see what time brings.
Good luck.
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(((greenapplecider)))
My alcoholic husband has done some really rotten things to me over the years (we will be married 18 years in June). And through it all - it seemed that I always loved, I always forgave, I always tried to make him happy, etc. Well, up until the last two years. We seperated 2 years ago.
But something happened last year. I started seeing a friend of mine. We hung out as friends and I guess we started seeing each other without actually even giving it a real conscience thought. But you know what - he treated me better than ah, he accepted me for who and how I am, he did some wonderful things for my kids and myself, and he was always always always there for me. He was reliable, responsible, etc - all the things that ah wasn't/isn't.
And I stopped seeing this man. NOT because of anything that he had done wrong - NOT because he wasn't good enough - NOT because of anything that really had to do with him. I stopped seeing him to protect him as I was afraid he'd get hurt. Also, my dissolution wasn't final yet (and still isn't but that is a whole other story) and all in all, I just felt it was the best thing to do for everyone involved.
And after I asked this dear person to not come around anymore and I took it back to being strictly friends with occassional phone calls and whatnot - I was, in essence, giving ah another chance to prove himself. Though we didn't move back in together, the reality was that I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Why? Well, that's a tough one. Because I loved him, because I cared about him, because I wasn't really over him, because I had always had this dream of how our life could be, because I knew that ah had the potential to be a wonderful person, etc etc etc BUT I'd say one of the biggest reasons is that when it came to ah and I - I was codependant!!!!! That maybe something that you might want to look into!
More likely than not - it's not about you that she takes her ex back - it's about her. I know it's hard to not take it personal. But have you ever stopped to think that maybe she is codependant as well as an A? Or that she may possibly be addicted to her ex? And the reality is that she is an A - therefore she's going to be unpredictable.
My alcoholic husband has done some really rotten things to me over the years (we will be married 18 years in June). And through it all - it seemed that I always loved, I always forgave, I always tried to make him happy, etc. Well, up until the last two years. We seperated 2 years ago.
But something happened last year. I started seeing a friend of mine. We hung out as friends and I guess we started seeing each other without actually even giving it a real conscience thought. But you know what - he treated me better than ah, he accepted me for who and how I am, he did some wonderful things for my kids and myself, and he was always always always there for me. He was reliable, responsible, etc - all the things that ah wasn't/isn't.
And I stopped seeing this man. NOT because of anything that he had done wrong - NOT because he wasn't good enough - NOT because of anything that really had to do with him. I stopped seeing him to protect him as I was afraid he'd get hurt. Also, my dissolution wasn't final yet (and still isn't but that is a whole other story) and all in all, I just felt it was the best thing to do for everyone involved.
And after I asked this dear person to not come around anymore and I took it back to being strictly friends with occassional phone calls and whatnot - I was, in essence, giving ah another chance to prove himself. Though we didn't move back in together, the reality was that I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Why? Well, that's a tough one. Because I loved him, because I cared about him, because I wasn't really over him, because I had always had this dream of how our life could be, because I knew that ah had the potential to be a wonderful person, etc etc etc BUT I'd say one of the biggest reasons is that when it came to ah and I - I was codependant!!!!! That maybe something that you might want to look into!
More likely than not - it's not about you that she takes her ex back - it's about her. I know it's hard to not take it personal. But have you ever stopped to think that maybe she is codependant as well as an A? Or that she may possibly be addicted to her ex? And the reality is that she is an A - therefore she's going to be unpredictable.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
well i ve never met the ex personally but when he found out she was seeing me he sent threatening texts etc to me and even texted me about her an said stuff about her that was inappropriate...it seems to me he did whatever he wanted to her during their marriage and here all i ve done was be good to her and she has gone back to him.
and im the one that gets crushed, they say that life is not fair but this is ridiculous.
and im the one that gets crushed, they say that life is not fair but this is ridiculous.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
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greenapplecider,
Welcome to SR!
I'm just gonna be blunt. She did you a favor. It might not feel like it now but she did you a huge, huge favor. My exhusband is the addict in my life. He didn't start using drugs until after we were married for 3 years and had a beautiful son together. Addiction is a life-long battle. Do you think that just because your gf got out of a rehab that she is 'cured' now? She isn't. She'll battle this disease for the rest of her life. Loving an addict is the most painful, confusing, scary, and thankless thing you could ever do. There are so many wonderful women out there...who aren't addicts...who would cherish someone who treated them as well as you treated your girlfriend. Give yourself time to heal...eventually, I bet you consider this whole incident a blessing in disguise.
Welcome to SR!
I'm just gonna be blunt. She did you a favor. It might not feel like it now but she did you a huge, huge favor. My exhusband is the addict in my life. He didn't start using drugs until after we were married for 3 years and had a beautiful son together. Addiction is a life-long battle. Do you think that just because your gf got out of a rehab that she is 'cured' now? She isn't. She'll battle this disease for the rest of her life. Loving an addict is the most painful, confusing, scary, and thankless thing you could ever do. There are so many wonderful women out there...who aren't addicts...who would cherish someone who treated them as well as you treated your girlfriend. Give yourself time to heal...eventually, I bet you consider this whole incident a blessing in disguise.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Originally Posted by greenapplecider
it seems to me he did whatever he wanted to her during their marriage
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
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I do agree with outonalimb on this one. I too am very sorry that you hurting and I'm sure that you feel that life is very, very unfair right now, but she is making this choice for a reason. Although you did your absolute best to show her unconditional love, she has rejected it. Right or wrong- it is simply something she does not want. She has a right to choose her own path and you have the right to move forward with your generous spirit and find someone who appreciates it.
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she texted me the other night asking if we'd still be friends and also if i wanted to have one last lovemaking session to "say goodbye". i respect her too much and respect what she and i have(had?) to do a "goodbye" lovemaking session.
for her ex it was her chest &butt for me its her hair eyes nose lips smile cheeks ears chest arms shoulders neck back tummy legs butt heart mind.
i ve not responded to texts from her....seems whenever she has broken up in past within a few days she ends up calling and apologizing or texting apology and we end up together, but this time i am making her wait....i am thinking of sending her a letter saying you keep sending me texts etc and (obviously she knows how i feel about her,she knows i love her and will know that after a week or even a month) and if you want to be in a relationship you need to do a b c etc
no more of the she calls and i come running.
for her ex it was her chest &butt for me its her hair eyes nose lips smile cheeks ears chest arms shoulders neck back tummy legs butt heart mind.
i ve not responded to texts from her....seems whenever she has broken up in past within a few days she ends up calling and apologizing or texting apology and we end up together, but this time i am making her wait....i am thinking of sending her a letter saying you keep sending me texts etc and (obviously she knows how i feel about her,she knows i love her and will know that after a week or even a month) and if you want to be in a relationship you need to do a b c etc
no more of the she calls and i come running.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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Posts: 127
you all don't think she will forget how much i love her even if i don't respond for a week or so?
she has 1 more week of inpatient (til this friday) and then apparently 2 weeks of outpatient.
she has 1 more week of inpatient (til this friday) and then apparently 2 weeks of outpatient.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
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Heck no!!! This woman might be an addict, but she is not stupid! I'm sure she knows exactly what you feel for her and she probably also feels that NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES TO YOU, you will be her "rock." Don't be the rock for too long. They get mossy from being stagnant.
I know that b/c of your feelings for her that you will do everything in your power to "keep her." Don't forget about YOURSELF though is all I'm saying. Don't be taken advantage of by someone who is incapable of giving you as much love and understanding as you need.
She will not "forget." She KNOWS. Don't respond to her and think about these boundaries that you should set.
I know that b/c of your feelings for her that you will do everything in your power to "keep her." Don't forget about YOURSELF though is all I'm saying. Don't be taken advantage of by someone who is incapable of giving you as much love and understanding as you need.
She will not "forget." She KNOWS. Don't respond to her and think about these boundaries that you should set.
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i would to be honest like to end up with her *ducks tomatoes*.
and i do love her very much.
I guess i just wonder when you say "she knows", how will she know if i ve not responded to her in a week or a month?
and i do love her very much.
I guess i just wonder when you say "she knows", how will she know if i ve not responded to her in a week or a month?
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what if she figures after i ve not responded for a week or so that i dont love her or that i ve given up on her?
she had told me before treatment that she needed me and i was her rock and would need me to be patient coz treatment would be really hard, etc.
what if she stops sending me stuff?
she had told me before treatment that she needed me and i was her rock and would need me to be patient coz treatment would be really hard, etc.
what if she stops sending me stuff?
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You know what, it was last July that I asked my friend to not come over anymore and to be strictly my friend. We did have one incident that went a little farther than friendship but it was put back on the right road quickly.
Greenapplecider - let me tell you from my perspective. I love my friend. He is a wonderful person. And honestly, I miss him. Our friendship cannot be as close as it once was even though we are still very good friends. We have limited contact - and it's usually by telephone only.
I know in my heart that if I showed up at his doorstep and told him that I needed him and that I wanted to resume things and see where it went - he'd be there willing to take that chance. In that sense, I can consider him my rock if I want too. BUT I dont think of him as my rock, my landing zone, or my safety net. Because I love and respect him too much to do that to him. He deserves better than to just be my safety net for when I fall. I will NOT do that to him.
I understand that the woman you are talking about may be confused about her real feelings - but that doesn't give her the right to play with other people's emotions. In that idea - I'd think that allowing her to find out who she is and what she wants and focus on her recovery could be the most loving thing you could do for her.
And setting your own boundaries as to not allow her confusion to keep hurting you.
Greenapplecider - let me tell you from my perspective. I love my friend. He is a wonderful person. And honestly, I miss him. Our friendship cannot be as close as it once was even though we are still very good friends. We have limited contact - and it's usually by telephone only.
I know in my heart that if I showed up at his doorstep and told him that I needed him and that I wanted to resume things and see where it went - he'd be there willing to take that chance. In that sense, I can consider him my rock if I want too. BUT I dont think of him as my rock, my landing zone, or my safety net. Because I love and respect him too much to do that to him. He deserves better than to just be my safety net for when I fall. I will NOT do that to him.
I understand that the woman you are talking about may be confused about her real feelings - but that doesn't give her the right to play with other people's emotions. In that idea - I'd think that allowing her to find out who she is and what she wants and focus on her recovery could be the most loving thing you could do for her.
And setting your own boundaries as to not allow her confusion to keep hurting you.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
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Welcome.
I too was my AH's rock for far to long. I let go because I hoped it would help him, kinda get out of the way so to speek. I will always love him I will always be right here, but when he makes that choice to get better, When and if he ever does I hope he will realize how much I have loved him, by letting go. I don't even know if I make sense. I'm just saying, try to get yourself help, I know it doesn't seem like you need to , I sure thought that! But after a couple of Alanon meetings i feel so much better. If you can love a addict this much, imagine loving a sober person the same amount, the only diferne is.. you will most likely get it back... Just a thought.
I too was my AH's rock for far to long. I let go because I hoped it would help him, kinda get out of the way so to speek. I will always love him I will always be right here, but when he makes that choice to get better, When and if he ever does I hope he will realize how much I have loved him, by letting go. I don't even know if I make sense. I'm just saying, try to get yourself help, I know it doesn't seem like you need to , I sure thought that! But after a couple of Alanon meetings i feel so much better. If you can love a addict this much, imagine loving a sober person the same amount, the only diferne is.. you will most likely get it back... Just a thought.
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