Feeling guilty. Did my AH do the right thing?
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Feeling guilty. Did my AH do the right thing?
My AH has been out of rehab for a week now and has been doing OK. He goes to meetings everyday, sometimes 2 to 3 a day. He's clean and struggling daily because before he went in to treatment we agreed to let his brother and his girlfriend move from Buffalo to NC to find jobs and an apartment. They are paying a small amount in rent and have been here since Jan 1st. I'll admit it was a great support to have them here when AH was away for a month. The problem is my brother-in-law has a congenital thyroid disorder in which he has both symptoms of hypo/hyperthyroidism.
My AH was only home a week when his brother started having abrupt mood swings and strange behaviors. My husband has been his caretaker so to speak since they were children. Always taking him in etc. etc.
He breaks up with his girlfriend out of the blue last week and starts having unrealistic thoughts that he can make it on his own in a new state working a part time job at min wage with no transportation. The other night while my AH went to meet some friends he's met in rehab to watch basketball I come home to a crazy man. Crying then laughing. He keeps saying "my thoughts are spinning out of control and I can't stop them" and he's very distraught at this point. I'm a nurse so I KNOW something just ain't right but it was late and I HAD to work the next day as I am the only one bringing in money. So, I call my AH and he takes him to the ER where they discover he is in a very hyperthyroid crisis. He has no insurance but is told he MUST follow up with an endrocronologist immediately and perscribe him something to bring his heart rate and BP down. The next day I see he has not gotten the perscription filled and not only that he starts talking to us about opening up a pappa johns ( that's where he works) in the middle east. We were like holy crap what's wrong with him?
Today my AH takes him to apply for assistance but he has no form of ID what so ever. I pay for his perscription because I'm worried that he's going to end up dead and even decide to take a day off of work to help him apply for assistance(rescue).
To try and make this long story shorter if possible, I get home from work today and the tension is so thick you could cut it with a kinife. Me and AH are starting to feel responsible for him and his well being but resentful at the same time and my husband said "if I don't get him out of here NOW I'm going to be drinking and using cause I can't take it."
He tells him he has to go now and explained that his sobriety is on the line. He even tells him he'll drive him to Delaware where their good for nothing mother lives and let her HELP him for once in her life. He says "no" because he knows she won't let him stay there so he packs a bag put his bike in my AH car and has him drop him off at the one persons house he knows who happens to be a alcoholic that he'd met through my husband. My husband has ceased contact with this person so he just dropped him off and drove away. He then went to a meeting where he is right now. He says he don't feel guilty at all in fact he's relieved. I'm the one who feels guilty and worried and crazy at this point. Was it wrong of AH to do this? Is he being heartless or just trying to maintain his sobriety? I feel so anxious right now I'm on the verge of vomiting. I'm such a codie. Help, Help, Help Me Please!!!!!
My AH was only home a week when his brother started having abrupt mood swings and strange behaviors. My husband has been his caretaker so to speak since they were children. Always taking him in etc. etc.
He breaks up with his girlfriend out of the blue last week and starts having unrealistic thoughts that he can make it on his own in a new state working a part time job at min wage with no transportation. The other night while my AH went to meet some friends he's met in rehab to watch basketball I come home to a crazy man. Crying then laughing. He keeps saying "my thoughts are spinning out of control and I can't stop them" and he's very distraught at this point. I'm a nurse so I KNOW something just ain't right but it was late and I HAD to work the next day as I am the only one bringing in money. So, I call my AH and he takes him to the ER where they discover he is in a very hyperthyroid crisis. He has no insurance but is told he MUST follow up with an endrocronologist immediately and perscribe him something to bring his heart rate and BP down. The next day I see he has not gotten the perscription filled and not only that he starts talking to us about opening up a pappa johns ( that's where he works) in the middle east. We were like holy crap what's wrong with him?
Today my AH takes him to apply for assistance but he has no form of ID what so ever. I pay for his perscription because I'm worried that he's going to end up dead and even decide to take a day off of work to help him apply for assistance(rescue).
To try and make this long story shorter if possible, I get home from work today and the tension is so thick you could cut it with a kinife. Me and AH are starting to feel responsible for him and his well being but resentful at the same time and my husband said "if I don't get him out of here NOW I'm going to be drinking and using cause I can't take it."
He tells him he has to go now and explained that his sobriety is on the line. He even tells him he'll drive him to Delaware where their good for nothing mother lives and let her HELP him for once in her life. He says "no" because he knows she won't let him stay there so he packs a bag put his bike in my AH car and has him drop him off at the one persons house he knows who happens to be a alcoholic that he'd met through my husband. My husband has ceased contact with this person so he just dropped him off and drove away. He then went to a meeting where he is right now. He says he don't feel guilty at all in fact he's relieved. I'm the one who feels guilty and worried and crazy at this point. Was it wrong of AH to do this? Is he being heartless or just trying to maintain his sobriety? I feel so anxious right now I'm on the verge of vomiting. I'm such a codie. Help, Help, Help Me Please!!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
jUST MY THOUGHTS
Hi blizzard77. Whew..! I read ur post. I think i would be at my wits end too if i were in a situation like that.
Hi. Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
I have to commend ur Husband for taking charge of his sobriety. I was were he is right now except i spend 28 days in rehab. Then when i came out I was scared, but i knew what I had to do to stay sober. Go to any lengths. Meetings, saying the Serenity Prayer, talking to my sponsor. All the tools to help me stay sober. Ur AH is doing exactly what he feels he has to do. Iwill also say im sorry to hear about the extra "stuff" or family issues u r facing. U definitely have ur hands full. I want to say i dont think its wrong for what he feels needs to be done with that situation. I mean he's not just throwing him out on the street, but trying to get him settled somewhere's so he can work on himself and for ur family. Esp. if there r children there. I don't have the answers either, but im sure others in here will come along soon with more suggestions to help u out. What i shared was just my thoughts whether right or wrong. Remember God's not going to give u both anymore than what u can handle. Saying the Serenity Prayer made ease some stress.
Ur AH should know that prayer as it is said at each AA meeting. Good luck and keep watching for other posts for help and guidance. Love and Care.
Thanks for letting me share.
Hi. Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
I have to commend ur Husband for taking charge of his sobriety. I was were he is right now except i spend 28 days in rehab. Then when i came out I was scared, but i knew what I had to do to stay sober. Go to any lengths. Meetings, saying the Serenity Prayer, talking to my sponsor. All the tools to help me stay sober. Ur AH is doing exactly what he feels he has to do. Iwill also say im sorry to hear about the extra "stuff" or family issues u r facing. U definitely have ur hands full. I want to say i dont think its wrong for what he feels needs to be done with that situation. I mean he's not just throwing him out on the street, but trying to get him settled somewhere's so he can work on himself and for ur family. Esp. if there r children there. I don't have the answers either, but im sure others in here will come along soon with more suggestions to help u out. What i shared was just my thoughts whether right or wrong. Remember God's not going to give u both anymore than what u can handle. Saying the Serenity Prayer made ease some stress.
Ur AH should know that prayer as it is said at each AA meeting. Good luck and keep watching for other posts for help and guidance. Love and Care.
Thanks for letting me share.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
You are a nurse, don't you know of a shelter that would help him, do you have a salvation army place where they put homeless people and help them?????
What about mental health, if they seem strange don't they transport them to a state hospital???? I don't know, but I would start checking as the friend might bring him back to your house. Just questions??
Good luck LOTS OF HUGS
What about mental health, if they seem strange don't they transport them to a state hospital???? I don't know, but I would start checking as the friend might bring him back to your house. Just questions??
Good luck LOTS OF HUGS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
I've tried to help in every way I can. I even asked My doctor if he would see him but with no insurance the answer was no. He's not stupid, he just plays that way. Every suggestion or advice I try to give goes in one ear and out the other. I told him to have his medical records faxed to the hospital I work at so we could go about finding him a doctor he told me to "let go" and every thing will be OK. My husband just told me that as he dropped him off he said to him don't worry I'm not mad at you. It's her she's always hated me.
Meanwhile, I've helped him over and over with money, advice, comfort when he's sad. I've attempted to educate him on his disease process and how important it is that he learn as much as he can in order to take care of himself. Yes, I'm a nurse. A natural born caretaker. You're so right Denny, I have to lose the guilt and remember he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself if he wants to.
Thanks.
Meanwhile, I've helped him over and over with money, advice, comfort when he's sad. I've attempted to educate him on his disease process and how important it is that he learn as much as he can in order to take care of himself. Yes, I'm a nurse. A natural born caretaker. You're so right Denny, I have to lose the guilt and remember he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself if he wants to.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Blizzard, you just said the magical words "IF HE WANTS TO." I'm sorry you're going through all of this and I hope you know that you are powerless over his actions and decisions. I agree, lose the guilt.
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I really admire your AH's decision to protect his sobriety at all costs. Early sobriety is hard enough without all the extra drama going on. I know I had to make some hard decisions and get people away from me when I have felt like my sobriety was in jeopardy. May be selfish but it is the one thing I absolutely must be selfish about because without sobriety I lose everything and am of absolutely no use to myself of anyone else.
Hang in there!
Kellye
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I really admire your AH's decision to protect his sobriety at all costs. Early sobriety is hard enough without all the extra drama going on. I know I had to make some hard decisions and get people away from me when I have felt like my sobriety was in jeopardy. May be selfish but it is the one thing I absolutely must be selfish about because without sobriety I lose everything and am of absolutely no use to myself of anyone else.
Hang in there!
Kellye
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
My husband is just trying to get sober for the first time and I'd be mad as he!! if he risked everything by keeping that drama in our house. Be grateful, he must be committed to his sobriety or he would have kept the drama around for the excuse it would've provided him to drink.
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey Blizzard,doing the "right" thing,or doing the "wrong" thing is only a judgement,based on what we know,at the time.Lots of times i thought i was doing the "right' thing.But later changed my mind and maked a jugement,that it was the "wrong" thing.What is the 'right' thing for me may be the 'wrong' thing for you.To me today right or wrong doesnt have any place in my life.I ask myself was my decision,effective,or not?.If its not then i make changes.No longer beating myself over the head,anymore.
We cannot control others.This is good to know.Your hub made his decision.And took action.Its out of your hands.
Most not all,people who are into their disease,very rarely will speak well of those good folks who help them out,when these good folks stop doing things for them.Its a given.Acceptance.What else can one do?When folks know better,they do better.Both you and hub,know that youve done your best.Really what more can you do?Youre only human.Hub has helped him,since childhood.
The "stuff",ends,when one decides to make changes.And youre hub has.Being willing to do whatever it takes for soberiety.And sometimes that does mean letting go of people,if only for a time,until one gets back on their feet,or it could mean,continuing to let go,,,,making those hard decisions.
You feel guilty over another persons actions...Been there to,and learned through recovery programs that i was only hurting myself more,by feeling/thinking this way,over something i have no control over..Step1-3,are very helpful.Learning what i own in a situation and what i dont own.My part,is what i need to focus on.And to live and let live with others.Let go,let God.
What i thought was the end,was only the beginning.Ya just never really know how things will work out.Pray for him,forgive yourself.,you have done nothing here to feel guilty about,You and youre hub have done all that you both can for him.
Thanks for letting me share,
my prayers for you and youre family,
God Bless and take care!!!
We cannot control others.This is good to know.Your hub made his decision.And took action.Its out of your hands.
Most not all,people who are into their disease,very rarely will speak well of those good folks who help them out,when these good folks stop doing things for them.Its a given.Acceptance.What else can one do?When folks know better,they do better.Both you and hub,know that youve done your best.Really what more can you do?Youre only human.Hub has helped him,since childhood.
The "stuff",ends,when one decides to make changes.And youre hub has.Being willing to do whatever it takes for soberiety.And sometimes that does mean letting go of people,if only for a time,until one gets back on their feet,or it could mean,continuing to let go,,,,making those hard decisions.
You feel guilty over another persons actions...Been there to,and learned through recovery programs that i was only hurting myself more,by feeling/thinking this way,over something i have no control over..Step1-3,are very helpful.Learning what i own in a situation and what i dont own.My part,is what i need to focus on.And to live and let live with others.Let go,let God.
What i thought was the end,was only the beginning.Ya just never really know how things will work out.Pray for him,forgive yourself.,you have done nothing here to feel guilty about,You and youre hub have done all that you both can for him.
Thanks for letting me share,
my prayers for you and youre family,
God Bless and take care!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Thank you all so much. I feel better about things today. I started to re-read codependant no more. I am in the process of reading beyond codependancy and I thought to myself " I'll just read it as many times as it takes until it sinks in and continue to say the serenity prayer but really not just say it but start accepting what is not in my control. That seems to be the hardest part for me is accepting that which I can not control. I'm committed from this day fourth to work on accepting. Once I can jump that fence then maybe I can change the things I can.
Blizzard
Blizzard
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
Blizzard... you should not feel guilty at all. Your husband explained to your brother in law what was at stake here. He should take more responsibility for his own actions, and life as your AH did. Just take care of you and keep supporting AH. It sounds like the two of you have good communication with one another, so that's always great.
Be strong...... Quit worrying. He will find the resources he needs... or he'll find someone else to take that responsility off his shoulders and that shouldn't be you!
Be strong...... Quit worrying. He will find the resources he needs... or he'll find someone else to take that responsility off his shoulders and that shouldn't be you!
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