Cynay

Ohhhh TG...

What alot of pressure you are putting yourself under.... to be perfect for everyone in your life but you?

Honi, you were not put on this earth to please everyone around you at the cost of your own sanity. How are all those people going to feel if your fears of your husband come true and you did not get out when you could?...

I saw very little on that list that had anything to do with you, your life, your feelings, your pain and dreams....

Whos life are you living?

megamysterioso

TG- your grandmother has probably seen it all and knows about all the trials and tribulations in life through her own experiences! You would be surprised at the level of understanding and support that you receive by the people that love you dearly. You are probably your HARSHEST critic by far.

Would you rather your mother say to people, "my daughter is in a miserable marriage with a man she does not love and trust"? Why does the opinion of virtual strangers matter to you? These other people are so consumed with their own lives, that I really doubt they are pinning their hopes and dreams onto you. No offense, but they're not all sitting around going, "I bet TG is living a perfect life right now and if she's not, I will be devastated."

I'm a divorcee and maybe in the future I'll be a 2 time divorcee! Not perfect and never how I intended it, but things happen. It's better to be divorced and happy than married, miserable or numb. Nothing wrong with it and God understands. Infidelity is a deal-breaker to him.

minnie

Do you think these people only love you if you're perfect?

I know my family and friends love me, warts and all. And vice versa.

pmaslan

Funny your list of reasons to stay had nothing to do with:
Love, Happiness, security, comfort, compatability, respect
you get the idea.....

reader

texasgirl, Don't think of what is only good for everyone else. Try to keep in mind what is good for u. Whether u stay or leave, that is your choice! The heck with what others think of u. This is your life plain and simple. I will say a prayer that the job is offered to you and that the pay is good too! Take a deep breathe you don't have to make this choice today. Take it easy! One day at a time!!!

ICU

Wow TG, you are putting soooo much undue pressure on yourself. Are you applying for God's job???

I would suggest re-writing your list, based on 'your needs' without regard to anyone else. It's ok to put yourself first, you know why? Because that's your job! Everyone else's thoughts and opinions are their issue, not yours! Hope that doesn't sound harsh. Just concentrate on you, you, you, you, you. Try it again, ok? Might take some practice, but try!

TexasGirl

Well, in all honesty, there was a separate "reasons to stay" list. This was just the "reasons to not leave" part.

My reasons to stay were:
- I believe that somewhere in there is a good man.
- I remember a time that I was madly in love with him and thought I would die without him.
- He is a sick man, too sick to maybe even know it.
- He takes care of our finances.
- He can be so sweet sometimes.
- Everyone likes him.

megamysterioso

- I remember a time that I was madly in love with him and thought I would die without him. - I felt the same way about every single person I've ever had a fairly long romantic relationship with. It is the infatuation phase that eventually wears off in every relationship.
- He is a sick man, too sick to maybe even know it. - Why should this make you stay, to take care of him?
- He takes care of our finances. - You're independent enough to do that yourself right?
- He can be so sweet sometimes.- Is "sometimes" good enough for you?
- Everyone likes him.- Why should this make you stay if YOU don't like him?

I think it's great that you're making this list TG. I'm not trying to be critical of you or your decision making. These are just questions that I had right away looking at this from an outsider's perspective.

cupowater

Of course you can! I once did something like it just to get out of a bad relationship. I applied for and got a job that made it impossible to see him. Even though i still had many feelings for him. It forced me to get out of the bad relationship and on with my life! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you to get the job!

denny57

(((TG)))

I could have written that same list, except for fear of failing at my own life. Do you mean failing at being on your own? I get the sense you're pretty strong so I don't think that's a possibility. I do understand you have the fear. Keep reading that list and weigh it against the reasons to go one you've done. When do you hear about the job?

Cynay

Again TG that is a list about HIM.

Lets try this a different way.... can you make me a list of your dream husband (DO NOT THINK YOU YOUR EX) Its just a daydream, remember when you were 12 and you and your girlfriens would giggle about what Mr. Right would be, how he would treat you, where you would live..... *HA* even how goodlooking he is....

Check with the little princess inside of you BEFORE all this and tell me who that Man was... every little thing about him.

TexasGirl

Denny, I know I could make it on my own. But right now, he makes three times what I do, so I would lose that. So, what if I can't make ends meet? I have my two baby dogs, so I'm going to have to afford to rent a house instead of an apartment. What if I can pay my bills, but can't afford my few luxuries like a gym membership, new clothes every so often, my hair highlights, etc. I know, that's not that big of a deal, but I think about that.

Cynay, as for what I want from a partner, I guess I want what everyone wants. Nice. Smart. Attractive. Funny. Supports my dreams. Likes to travel. The usual.
But I like the princess part. I love being a girl and having princess rights.

LaTeeDa

Ahh, the what if game. I hate playing it. My son always wants to play. I tell him I don't like it because it only makes me worry. I'd rather play the what is game.

So here is something for your pro and con list:

Pros: the above items
Cons: living in a relationship that doesn't make you happy (or fill in your own words)

Seems like a simple choice (note, I said simple, not easy)

L

GettingBy

I'll tell you what... I'm willing to bet that you'll be so darn happy with your new freedom that all of those "little" things won't make a difference. You won't even notice they're gone.

Perspective TG, it's all about perspective. We see only what we choose to LOOK AT. Go looking for bad... and you're bound to find bad. There are so many good/exciting opportunities waiting for you if you choose to leave (or if you choose to stay!), you just have to look for them!

What do you think?

ASpouse

I think you need to look at it differently. My husband points this out to me a lot also.

You need to weigh your wants vs. your needs.

You need food to live .... So food is a need.

A gym membership is a want ...... you don't need this to sustain your life. If you must work out, go to the park and jog, walk your dogs (I'm sure they'd love it) or take up a sport. Most town community rec centers have free teams or a nominal fee.

Hair highlights ... this is a want. You don't need to have this done. You could also learn to do it yourself, I've found it comes up just as well. You don't need this to live.

New clothes ..... you need to decide if they are a want or a need. I know I work with 3 pairs of pants, 2 skirts, 4 shirts and 2 pair of shoes. Everything mixes and matches, so I wear the same outfit about every 3 weeks. Buying new clothes for the sake of buying them is a want, not a need.

TG, you sound like a very spoiled person who wants to have her cake and eat it too. Unfortunately for you, you have placed yourself in a situation where that line of thinking doesn't work.

What exactly are you willing to give up for your happiness? Everything comes with a cost ....... if you say "nothing", then you might as well stay where you are, have babies and hope for the best, because that my friend is all you are going to get if you aren't willing to pay some sort of price for your happiness. If your happiness isn't worth much, but your suffering is, then stay right where you are. You can have your gym membership, you can get your hair and nails done, you can buy new clothes. Those things will be the price paid for your miserable life.

Wants vs. needs, think about it.

pmaslan

TG Quote:
Patty, nothing has changed, except that maybe I've gotten more used to some of the things so they don't bother me as much. I expect that he's going to do certain things, so when he does, I'm not that surprised. Yes, I know, but is it the way I want to live my life.


I don't know what is the debate about at this point...TG admits she wants to live her life this way.....what more can be said to that

denny57

I hear you. My AH and I have 3 businesses together. For the most part he makes all the CASH. My function is to raise money and oversee what happens to it. Judy will probably slap me for this - but for tax reasons I never drew a salary. I've been very, very, good at my job, but right now I have no one paying me to do what I do. Your fear was one of my big fears.

How long have you been married? Will there be spousal support?

What have you heard about the job? I don't know, TG, I get the sense you'd do just fine - hair highlights and all - on your own. So I'm thinking that just isn't the real issue here - it still comes down to the very tough decision of whether this is the life you want to lead for the next 15, 20, 30, 40 years. Assume nothing will change - because nothing HAS changed. Remember, you only have to answer to yourself, not any of the people on the not going list, not anyone here, etc. Only YOU.

(((())))

Minx1969

TG,

I understand the fears of financial insecurity and losing everything we have..So far I've been unemployed for 4 months and I don't want for anything..

and you know what..that's always been the case..TG - you are a survivor and you would make it..

My mom kicked me out of the house when I was 21..I found a place to live..An exbf broke up with me and got me off the lease..I found a place to live..there are always solutions...

There are a lot of solutions out there that you aren't looking out..Like getting a roommate to split the bills..like getting a second job. You just need to get creative..Look at JK Rowling (Harry Potter author)..she was a single mom on assistance (think she was homeless) when she starting writing the Harry Potter books..today she has more then she could ever hope for..

Necessity if the mother of invention.

You are letting your fear control your life..

once again TG - what do YOU want out of your life..do you want a job you like? A healthy relationship (not necessarily with your A)?

You can not spend your life trying to please other people..because you will end up miserable..who cares what other people think..It's YOUR life...

ASpouse

No Denny, I'm wouldn't slap you. At least it was something you consciously did and knew what you were doing.

I wish you could help me start a business! :-)

TexasGirl

Oh, goodness, now it's gone that way. That is SO not what I meant, Judy. Denny just asked what I meant by one of my statements. I had said that one of my fears was being a failure in my own life. She asked me to explain that, so I did. By all means, hair highlights are not going to keep me in a marriage I don't want. I was just explaining that one tiny fear that was on that list. I'm really not spoiled...I'm pretty darn low-maintenance. It was just an explanation of one of my fears. If I was comfortable in my decision, I would eat ramen noodles and wear sweats every day if it took it.

And Patty, I think you may have read it wrong. I didn't say I want to live that way. I said that's what's happening now.
Oooh, but I guess I kind of did by not doing something different.
Hmmm...