Decision
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Hi TG. There are solutions to all of the above tiny fears that you mentioned and you will find a way to thrive in your new environment. We always seem to adjust to our own standard of living somehow.
My apartment complex allows pets and has 2 nice gyms (as good as Gold's seriously) with 3 pools for residents to use. There are always solutions to these little things. I understand that these are not your primary concerns, but they are things that you mentioned.
My apartment complex allows pets and has 2 nice gyms (as good as Gold's seriously) with 3 pools for residents to use. There are always solutions to these little things. I understand that these are not your primary concerns, but they are things that you mentioned.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
LOL. This cracks me up.
I did say that one of my "reasons to not leave" was fear in failing in my own life. That's part of it...fear that I wouldn't cut it on my own financially. I think every person pondering leaving has those fears. Truthfully, that was just one of my small worries, but I was listing everything I was worried about in the least.
I come from a family that didn't have much money. I got through college on student loans and working, with my parents just paying my books. I'm really not a brat, I promise.
I did say that one of my "reasons to not leave" was fear in failing in my own life. That's part of it...fear that I wouldn't cut it on my own financially. I think every person pondering leaving has those fears. Truthfully, that was just one of my small worries, but I was listing everything I was worried about in the least.
I come from a family that didn't have much money. I got through college on student loans and working, with my parents just paying my books. I'm really not a brat, I promise.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Then you've already proven how enterprising you can be. If you got thru college
with studen loans and from a family with limited funds you already know how to
manage. Highlights, the gym and new clothes wouldn't keep me in a unhealthy
situation.....but then that's me.
with studen loans and from a family with limited funds you already know how to
manage. Highlights, the gym and new clothes wouldn't keep me in a unhealthy
situation.....but then that's me.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I don't think you're a brat. You're just looking at every possible angle. You're overthinking every nook and cranny of the possibilities! You know that you will find solutions to any obstacle you may face along the way. That's what we independent women do!
You know that you will find solutions to any obstacle you may face along the way. That's what we independent women do!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Okay, after reading these threads for months, I'm going to go the other way.
TG, I hope you don't take this wrong, but I DON'T think you should leave. Why? Because I think if you do leave, you will find yourself another addict, or even worse. Maybe an abuser.
I am sensing some serious self esteem issues and this board is not going to fix that for you. IMO, you should get a therapist and do some real work on yourself before you make any major changes in your life.
All of this is simply my opinion and based only on the things I have read in your posts. I see a lot of justifying and rationalizing. And, quite frankly, I don't think you are ready to leave, ready to face your fears, ready to be on your own.
Again, I hope you don't take any of this as hurtful, as I do not mean it that way. I hope you get some help.
L
TG, I hope you don't take this wrong, but I DON'T think you should leave. Why? Because I think if you do leave, you will find yourself another addict, or even worse. Maybe an abuser.
I am sensing some serious self esteem issues and this board is not going to fix that for you. IMO, you should get a therapist and do some real work on yourself before you make any major changes in your life.
All of this is simply my opinion and based only on the things I have read in your posts. I see a lot of justifying and rationalizing. And, quite frankly, I don't think you are ready to leave, ready to face your fears, ready to be on your own.
Again, I hope you don't take any of this as hurtful, as I do not mean it that way. I hope you get some help.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Yes LaTeeDa, I have to agree with you. TG needs more one on one, face 2 face stuff than this board can give her. She's not ready yet to make any major life changing decisions.
In AA my H is told "don't bother with someone who does not to be sober". Now that sounds pretty horrible really, but the meaning is quite simple .... give your time to someone who truly wants recovery that you can guide through the program and steps.
I don't think that TG is really ready for help yet ...... she is in denial as much as the alcoholic who thinks he "can control it, only drink on occasion", simply not ready to take the leap.
In my life, I call it the "Do or Die" leap.
TG, your husband makes 3 times as much as you do? His money is giving you all the things that you could never afford before? Well, in my book that is called using. It sounds like you just don't want to give all that up. I wish you the best ...... I have a feeling it's going to take a very long time.
In AA my H is told "don't bother with someone who does not to be sober". Now that sounds pretty horrible really, but the meaning is quite simple .... give your time to someone who truly wants recovery that you can guide through the program and steps.
I don't think that TG is really ready for help yet ...... she is in denial as much as the alcoholic who thinks he "can control it, only drink on occasion", simply not ready to take the leap.
In my life, I call it the "Do or Die" leap.
TG, your husband makes 3 times as much as you do? His money is giving you all the things that you could never afford before? Well, in my book that is called using. It sounds like you just don't want to give all that up. I wish you the best ...... I have a feeling it's going to take a very long time.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by pmaslan
Denny, I really don't think that is on the "list" anymore.....
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
((((HUGS))))
Im sorry if your feeling like your being ganged up on.... but I have to point something out.
When I asked YOU about YOUR dream guy, what you wanted in a man, how you saw your perfect life.... you blew by it.... You really did not give it much thought at all.
BUT that was a hell of a list you had about HIM........
If you gave yourself even a fraction of what you give away.... I wonder where you would be... Its just a thought. You have to do what is right for you, but if your going to make the very best decisions for yourself, dont you think you might want to put yourself into the equation????
Im sorry if your feeling like your being ganged up on.... but I have to point something out.
When I asked YOU about YOUR dream guy, what you wanted in a man, how you saw your perfect life.... you blew by it.... You really did not give it much thought at all.
BUT that was a hell of a list you had about HIM........
If you gave yourself even a fraction of what you give away.... I wonder where you would be... Its just a thought. You have to do what is right for you, but if your going to make the very best decisions for yourself, dont you think you might want to put yourself into the equation????
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Hey TG,
I think a few things and I do not feel you are just being codependent. I feel your list is the list of a codependent. You sited in your list being a good christian and I understand that and the feeling many people have about divorce. Ok so I would recommend a book recommended by my counselor who is also a psychologist but a christian counselor as well the book is called 'Boundaries' When to Say Yes, When to say No, To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This is written by christians and it may help you . I hope it helps me. I saw your list and it is the list of caring all about others before you can make a decision about anything you may need to get a handle on the fact that your life decisions are about your life not about how they all will feel. Once you deal with that big chunk of emotion then you will free yourself up. I love Lucille Ball and for a year now every time I turn around whether it be a magazine, book, or believe it or not a fortune cookie I get her quote "Love yourself first and everything else falls into place" the one thing I am beginning to understand and learn is that I count and how I feel counts and that is how I am trying now to manage my life. I am doing my level best to continue this process it is VERY hard. I think you need to listen to the advice about re-reading your posts think about this more read and give yourself a break. If you get the job which I am assuming is out of town then you try it out it doesn't even mean you have to make a decision right now and if it is out of town is it possible if these people want you really badly that they would arrange to help you with relocation?? This relocation could be temporary in your mind but they don't need to know that right off or maybe you will enjoy your freedom and never come back. What does it hurt to try on the shoes? Do you always have to wear the same shoes?? My two cents..
I think a few things and I do not feel you are just being codependent. I feel your list is the list of a codependent. You sited in your list being a good christian and I understand that and the feeling many people have about divorce. Ok so I would recommend a book recommended by my counselor who is also a psychologist but a christian counselor as well the book is called 'Boundaries' When to Say Yes, When to say No, To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This is written by christians and it may help you . I hope it helps me. I saw your list and it is the list of caring all about others before you can make a decision about anything you may need to get a handle on the fact that your life decisions are about your life not about how they all will feel. Once you deal with that big chunk of emotion then you will free yourself up. I love Lucille Ball and for a year now every time I turn around whether it be a magazine, book, or believe it or not a fortune cookie I get her quote "Love yourself first and everything else falls into place" the one thing I am beginning to understand and learn is that I count and how I feel counts and that is how I am trying now to manage my life. I am doing my level best to continue this process it is VERY hard. I think you need to listen to the advice about re-reading your posts think about this more read and give yourself a break. If you get the job which I am assuming is out of town then you try it out it doesn't even mean you have to make a decision right now and if it is out of town is it possible if these people want you really badly that they would arrange to help you with relocation?? This relocation could be temporary in your mind but they don't need to know that right off or maybe you will enjoy your freedom and never come back. What does it hurt to try on the shoes? Do you always have to wear the same shoes?? My two cents..
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
TG, It is always frightening when you come from a place when you haven't had much. Neither did i and that is how i got through school too. I like the perks too but i always know in the back of my mind that i did it before and I can do it again. That is why I always put alot off in my life I always worked and worked and put myself through college on govt grants and credit cards. I have been working since I was 16 to support my mother and myself ( not anymore another story for another time) but my point being as some have said you did it before you know what to expect and if you get a decent job then so be it but i go back to what I said before you still can try it out somehow. Try to think of alternatives to a one way of thinking sometimes to know that helps. I think the meeting idea is good too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
I have seen a counselor 5 or 6 times, and nothing was really happening. LTD, I think I do have some things to explore about myself, but I don't think that I have to stay to do them.
Denny, they told me yesterday that I would hear in a day or two, thanks for asking. Patty, as for that not "being on the list" anymore, please keep in mind that I only shared the reasons to "not go" list. I have a very full list of reasons to leave and "not stay".
Cynay, as for why I didn't elaborate on the perfect man...well...I'm not looking to find another partner now, so I have a hard time describing who I would look for. Frankly, I don't know if I would ever re-marry. A year or so ago, I was worried I'd never meet anyone...now it doesn't seem that great. I might change my mind, but I don't ever want to risk my independence again. I do not want anyone to ever tell me what to do ever again.
Judy, as for the money, it's really not that big of a deal to me. Besides, when I met him and we were married, he didn't even have a career or any money. We both waited tables for 1.5 years while I tried to find a job. His job has blossomed in the past two years, so it's not like I "married him for money." And frankly, the only time his success benefits me is that he pays the mortgage and utilities (total about $700 a month...it's not like we live in a mansion or anything). He has the nice new SUV that he paid, IMO, too much for. I drive his grandma's 10-year-old hand-me-down. I think we all have fears about making it financially.
Thanks for the book suggestion, Irsh.
Denny, they told me yesterday that I would hear in a day or two, thanks for asking. Patty, as for that not "being on the list" anymore, please keep in mind that I only shared the reasons to "not go" list. I have a very full list of reasons to leave and "not stay".
Cynay, as for why I didn't elaborate on the perfect man...well...I'm not looking to find another partner now, so I have a hard time describing who I would look for. Frankly, I don't know if I would ever re-marry. A year or so ago, I was worried I'd never meet anyone...now it doesn't seem that great. I might change my mind, but I don't ever want to risk my independence again. I do not want anyone to ever tell me what to do ever again.
Judy, as for the money, it's really not that big of a deal to me. Besides, when I met him and we were married, he didn't even have a career or any money. We both waited tables for 1.5 years while I tried to find a job. His job has blossomed in the past two years, so it's not like I "married him for money." And frankly, the only time his success benefits me is that he pays the mortgage and utilities (total about $700 a month...it's not like we live in a mansion or anything). He has the nice new SUV that he paid, IMO, too much for. I drive his grandma's 10-year-old hand-me-down. I think we all have fears about making it financially.
Thanks for the book suggestion, Irsh.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
TG, I'm sitting here scratching my head. I have tried to understand where you're at and I just can't. And that's my problem, not yours, before you think I'm having a go.
May I ask you if you tend to wait for things to happen to you rather than go out and make them happen yourself? I only ask because of your comment about counselling - you only get out as much as you put in. Same goes for here. Or Al-anon meetings. Or your marriage. Or your life.
May I ask you if you tend to wait for things to happen to you rather than go out and make them happen yourself? I only ask because of your comment about counselling - you only get out as much as you put in. Same goes for here. Or Al-anon meetings. Or your marriage. Or your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hi Minnie,
I agree, you only get out of counseling what you put in, and I'm not very good at my end. But I also think I need a stronger counselor too. I need someone who can propose questions as to why I think how I think and elicit responses from me. Mine's really sweet...but she really just listens to whatever antics I've dealt with regarding him. I know for a fact that I put my guard up when I get in there and try to be bubbly, sweet me instead of vulnerable me. This is the only place I really share. And I'm still trying Al-Anon.
I agree, you only get out of counseling what you put in, and I'm not very good at my end. But I also think I need a stronger counselor too. I need someone who can propose questions as to why I think how I think and elicit responses from me. Mine's really sweet...but she really just listens to whatever antics I've dealt with regarding him. I know for a fact that I put my guard up when I get in there and try to be bubbly, sweet me instead of vulnerable me. This is the only place I really share. And I'm still trying Al-Anon.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I think your miss-understanding my questions....
I want you to think back before this chaos mess came into your life, I wanted you to see what your hopes and dreams were.... Is your current even close?
Compare it to what you have and ask yourself if your willing to settle for this.
I remember your saying the only reason you stayed is because of one reason or another, the job being a big one, if it does come though are you willint to wait till "maybe" another job comes along???
I just think you can justify anything you want... but figure out what that is and what you will give up for it.
I want you to think back before this chaos mess came into your life, I wanted you to see what your hopes and dreams were.... Is your current even close?
Compare it to what you have and ask yourself if your willing to settle for this.
I remember your saying the only reason you stayed is because of one reason or another, the job being a big one, if it does come though are you willint to wait till "maybe" another job comes along???
I just think you can justify anything you want... but figure out what that is and what you will give up for it.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
TG - so go find another counsellor!
What are you waiting for? Some miraculous revelation out of nowhere? You got one of those when you found out your hubby had been cheating on you and that made no difference to the way you are thinking.
I've just watched a Dr Phil show I recorded earlier and I thought of you. Not because of what was actually in the show, but the bit at the beginning where he says "I want you to get excited about your life."
Are you excited about your life, TG?
Happy Easter Family and Friends
This Easter wish I do send......
What are you waiting for? Some miraculous revelation out of nowhere? You got one of those when you found out your hubby had been cheating on you and that made no difference to the way you are thinking.
I've just watched a Dr Phil show I recorded earlier and I thought of you. Not because of what was actually in the show, but the bit at the beginning where he says "I want you to get excited about your life."
Are you excited about your life, TG?
Happy Easter Family and Friends
This Easter wish I do send......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
If this is all true, which I assume it is ......
Then I truly don't understand your needing his money to support you financially. I know for me, if I wanted to do it bad enough, I'd damn well do it! I've been in that situation and I have absolutely no fears about supporting myself or my children. I'd do what had to be done, somehow, some way!
Judy, as for the money, it's really not that big of a deal to me. Besides, when I met him and we were married, he didn't even have a career or any money. We both waited tables for 1.5 years while I tried to find a job. His job has blossomed in the past two years, so it's not like I "married him for money." And frankly, the only time his success benefits me is that he pays the mortgage and utilities (total about $700 a month...it's not like we live in a mansion or anything). He has the nice new SUV that he paid, IMO, too much for. I drive his grandma's 10-year-old hand-me-down. I think we all have fears about making it financially.
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