TexasGirl

I don't need his money to support me financially. I just said it was one of my things I was nervous about. It's just something different. Knowing there's only my income to depend on versus two incomes in case something happened is a new scenario I haven't lived (in college, I had long-term and short-term loans to depend on for emergencies). Again, this is just one concern of many. It's just change, and change can be scary sometimes. And I'm not saying these are reasons I am not going to leave, but things that make me look before I leap.

Yes, Minnie, I will find a new counselor and schedule an appointment this afternoon.
This made me smile. I'm trying to be.

TexasGirl

When I was younger, I wanted to live in New York City and work in a big building and wear sassy suits and super-cute shoes to my well-paying job. I still have thoughts of that, but nowadays it's more that I want to be like Carrie Bradshaw (Sex in the City), still in NYC, still wearing great clothes (though her taste is WAY different than mine!), still making great money, and having great friends and adventures. I like writing (Carrie Bradshaw ), but I'm not sure I'm good enough at it to make a career. And I'm still not sure what I am good enough at to make a career of it, but I'm working on that.

I imagined meeting the stereotypical tall, dark & handsome guy. Successful, but doesn't work too much. Maybe we'd have kids, or maybe we'd just do amazing things together like see the world. If we did have kids, it would just be one...I'm not sure I'm the mommy type. He accepts me for who I am, and understands that sometimes putting up the laundry is not on my priority list. I know I have to be somewhat clean to live with, and I try. We spend our weekends at the beach or just enjoying the day.

Ayers1995

Hi TG,
I understand that you don't need him financially to support you, but yes it is truly scary to think that you really might not be able to make ends meet. I don't think the others are trying to be harsh, I think they just want you to look at reasons and for you to not 'stay' out of fear. Fear of not making it, or of what others think, etc...

I think you need to sit and talk with your husband. You should talk about the job, you should talk about your relationship, you should talk about what is going on in your life! This is going to effect his life too. Do you have to have the job, before you talk to him b/c you think he's going to throw you out or something? Or is that your escape if you don't like his answers?

Good luck with making any decisions. Hope you hear something soon.

denny57

I think I can relate to what TG is saying. When my AH and I met, he was unemployed. When we got married 3 years later he had about $40 in the bank. I held outside jobs as we tried to make a go of our business. In the last 10 years he has been very successful at what he does, though I am seeing a decline as the drinking worsens. I will admit that I have gotten very used to the lifestyle we have lived, especially the last 5-6 years.

So I did go through a process of thinking of all the things I would possibly be giving up. I, too, had nothing for so long, and I had no desire to go back to living hand to mouth. In the end I did decide none of that mattered, I was unhappy with his drinking and the behaviors that went along with it; he was unhappy that I didn't want him to drink. So we separated and he filed for divorce. None of it was easy; it was extremely painful, in fact. I can say, though, I am so very happy I did it.

gelfling

My thoughts...you're still on the fence about leaving and are looking for excuses and have found plenty. Are you hoping that if you hang around long enough, he'll change? Please, please, please don't hold your breath.

LaTeeDa

How about just being you, without any label?

L

FaithChaser

Tex,

I can relate to your list. However, in my situation, most of my relatives know about the pain I'm in and all say the same thing. "Do what it takes to make your life happy." I realize that life is not all about happiness, life is not all about doing things just for yourself. Sometimes we struggle for ourselves, and for others. I really think the issue is not letting yourself down. What would it take to do that?

This is a huge decision, one I'm in the process of making too. No job change but definately leaving my husband that I've been with for 11 years, the home I love and my pets, has been the biggest decision of my life. For me the issue now isn't about everyone else, it's about me and what will my life be like in ten years if I go or if I stay? I struggle with have I been as good of a wife as I should have? Am I being a good Chirstian? I can dwell on all of these questions or just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what I feel is best. Life will go on no matter what I decide. People may gossip, but they will do that anyway. People may be let down, but if they care about me they always will. Parents, grandmas, aunts, uncles and other family members will love anyway. They will feel my pain and be there for me if that is the direction life takes me. We are always our own worst critic.

Hugs,
~FaithChaser

jojo

TG -

You are making this decision way harder than it needs to be. You are throwing so many monkey wrenches into this that you couldn't possibly decide.

It comes down to this - are you happy with him? Do you feel fulfilled? Do you feel safe and cherished? Do you feel respected? Can you trust him? Do you want to continue to live with an alcoholic?

That is really all you need to know to make your decision. Do you honestly think that your family would want you to live with a man that makes you unhappy? If you are worried about money, if you divorce won't your assets be split between you?

How can you make a decision based solely on what he and your family want? Decide what you want and go for it. You really have nothing to lose. What if you wait and have a couple of kids and then feel like you made a mistake by staying? Your problems will have multiplied unbelievably. By leaving, you could be giving both of you a chance to make a better life. It could be a better life apart or possibly together. You won't know until you give yourself a chance.

Money should not be an obstacle if you really want to leave. I left mine with only a social security disability check. I have alot less financially but I am happy. The stress is gone and that is worth so much more than money and "extras".

Quit thinking about all the external things and how everyone else is going to feel and do what you think will make you happy.

Hugs, Jo

elizabeth1979

Texas,

I am not sure you are in a place emotionally where leaving would be your best choice, for you. I have been where you seem to be coming from, and its hard to not second guess your choice after the fact, if you leave, with this kind of feeling.

I understand highlights, nails, cars, clothes, and extras. Believe me sister, if anyone gets it..its me.
I would ask myself...are those things enough to make up for what you are not getting from him?
Just food for thought.