maramax

I have been going to al-anon and its helping. I am doing the steps and reading everything. The think for me is that there is so much pain and anger for me that I have a hard time dealing with it. I go through my days working the program and it feels like its going really good. Then all of the sudden I find my self in tears. I was out to lunch with a new al-anon friend and we were talking a little bit about our stories and when I start talking I feel like I can do it without tearing up and the I lose it. It is embarrassing. I know I should not be embarrassed by it but for heaven sakes we are in a restaurant for pete sake. These people are all new friends to me and I think they are all going to think I am a mess. Sometimes when I talk about things that have happened I see the look in there eyes and I can feel them like feeling sorry for them. This is not what I want. I don't want to be the person who can't even talk without falling apart. There is a place and a time for that, not ever time I talk to them. Please tell me that this will get better soon!!! Its really hard. Thank You Mary
Also, does anyone else out there choke when it comes to meetings and being asked to read from the books in front of everyone?? I get so nervous. I am a good reader but when they stick something in front of me to read I freeze up!! Again please tell me I am not the only one......

grateful2bsober

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE!! And it's okay to fall apart when talking about painful stuff-that's how you begin to deal and work through it! It won't always be like that but in the begining it usual it is. And I'm sure your new friends went through the same emotions in the begining and they're looking at you and remembering how it was for them also at the start. It's all completely normal and part of the process.. You should be really proud of yourself you are making huge steps towards getting better! And I also feel overwhelming anxiety and panic when I raise my hand at a meeting or read. That too will go away with practice-KEEP WALKING THROUGH THOSE FEARS! I am very proud of you!

Ameliorater

Hello
I'm new to this site and have never posted before. But I have been in recovery for over.... Well let's just say a while. I will just talk about me here. I don't think there is anything wrong with people thinking I'm a mess. If I wasn't I wouldn't have earned my chair in the rooms in the first place. I think I go through stuff for a time that reviles things to me about myself or my situation. And if I chose to work on it I may clean up some of the mess, then as we say more is reviled. The best thing is that we feel the feelings. I think that looking good for others is one of the things that keeps many of us feeling bad and hiding our stuff for so long. Just an opinion...

FriendofBill

NOt the only one....I read the daily reader in the meeting other day....started to cry....

your on a journey, hun, the downs go with the ups. It gets better!

cwohio

yep - i agree with what was said above - when the feelings come, let them, no matter where you are. i do think it's something we have either been taught or maybe it's associated with vulnerability. i think i turned my feelings of sadness to anger - if that makes sense. i'm learning to let the feelings come and deal with them as they do - no more stuffing more me! i've found it easier to read or contribute at meetings as time has goine on and i feel more comfortable. keep practicing - it will get better.

maramax

it really does help....Mary

StandingStrong

Mary, my AH and I have been seperated for 2 years now. And we've been through some major drama!!! And I've learned to keep my emotions intact - at least most of the time. Actually, to AH, I've actually learned to hide behind the anger so as to not show my weakness. Sometimes this is a benefit - at other times, it's not because it's not growth really. It's my punishing him. However, my point is that even after being married to this man for almost 18 years - and for having lived apart the last 2 and going through sooo much crap - I just broke down last weekend and started crying in front of him when I was telling him how much he'd hurt me and how it made me feel.
You see, my point is that we do get better. And we learn ways to handle things better. But sometimes tears can be cleansing. And sometimes the body needs to release that stress.
It's normal to break down and cry when you are talking about something that has hurt you so deeply. If you are afraid of this being an issue this early on in the relationships/friendships that you are creating - then try to avoid the topic or not get so deep into the discussion. It's easier said than done - but I know from experience that once you get me on a subject - I can run with it!!! And sometimes now, I just say, "I really don't want to get into that right now." and the people that know some of my situation usually accept that and respect me enough not to push.
Just remember - that this is YOUR recovery. And you have to build the life that YOU want. One step at a time. We all make mistakes, we all are on a journey, and some days we do better than other days. Just continue to grow Mary.

StandingStrong

I sort of got off track in my previous post. You are wondering how to deal with the pain and anger. Everyone tends to find different releases, and so you are going to have to find what works for you.
Excersizing (such as running) can be good as it burns off the extra energy and steam that anger creates.
Any type of actual physical activity (maybe you'd prefer to get a big gym back and start boxing your anger away) - anything to get rid of the overflow of high energy.
Some people drown themselves in activities - hobbies, volunteering, etc. (again, noticing they are being distracted by the actual overwhelming thoughts, etc of the situation)
Truly - there are many ways to deal with the pain and anger. Some people do great to go to therapy, others busy themselves with activity, others are into physical activity to burn off the energy, - you just have to find what works best for you.

As for me, I'm still working on finding that good healthy release myself. How I've handled that anger and stress has not been healthy for myself or others - but I'm still looking for an outlet.
IT's normal to feel as you do though.

Hope you find something soon.

Tally

No body will think you're a mess...you're all in the same boat....alot of what you're going through, they've been there too....I'm guessing recovery is progressive, because I'm only starting to realise the past few months that I've turned into an emotional wreck and I too need recovery...I haven't summoned up the courage for al-anon yet. I have my meetings time and location, just not summoned it up to actually attend, I'll get there eventually though....you should be proud of yourself for taking steps to help yourself heal!

princess9282001

You are not the only one. I too fear the fact of breaking down in front of people thats why I think I'm having a hard time getting the courage up to attend an al-non. It not because the excuse that I tell everyone else. I can't get a sitter. I think thats why I feel so comfortable here because I can come here and talk and one one can tell if I'm cryin or maybe they can I dont know, but youre not alone. Well anyways gettin off subject, keep goin it seems like its helpin. Don't worry about it nobody cares if ya break down and cry.

maramax

but the last 3 have been really hard!!!! We lost our son to cancer April 21, 2003. After he passed away it has been one DUI and drinking binge after another. He has lost jobs and been unemployed more than not. He has been in jail 3 or 4 times I forget. I have lost count of how many times he has been gone on drinking binges. He has broken a bone from a fall while drinking and had several wrecks. Thank God none have been with other cars. If I would leave him home with our little kids for more that 1 hour I would come home to a very drunk husband and my kids on there own.. This makes it impossible for me to work outside the home. Money is gone.
Now the up side of him. He is with out a doubt the best person I have ever known (when not drinking that is) I love him very much. He is a great dad and husband (when not drinking)
Now with all that stuff having happened I am having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I feel like he has robbed me of the right to grieve for the lose of our son. I find myself in tears over nothing. At al-non meetings I will feel like I am strong enough to talk about something and then out of no where tears come and when they do I can't stop them... I think the suggestion to exercise is a great one. I will try that. Maybe it will help.. I will try anything not to feel so sad and angry. I want to move forward not stay stuck in the pain. My AH is really working hard on staying sober Thank God.. He just hides his pain better.. I hate it when I tear up so easy...Thanks everyone!!!! Mary