Dreading the holidays
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: terre haute, IN
Posts: 3
Dreading the holidays
This is my first time posting. Actually this is my first time ever reaching out to anyone besides my sister. I am 23 years old and my father is an alcoholic, has been for about 7 years now. I've known the whole time but I just kept thinking he could change and "this wasn't really him." I'm starting to lose hope. '
Last Christmas was horrible. He ruined it for everyone. Christmas Eve he went to the bar and showed up two hours late when all of our family came over. If that wasn't embarrassing enough, he was so drunk that he passed out while he was standing up and fell flat on his back onto the floor. It was so akward in front of the whole family. Then the next morning when we were opening presents instead of going for the cup of coffee he used to (about 5 years ago) he went straight for the beer. It was 10 in the morning!! That did it. I grabbed the beer out of his hand and gave him a cup of coffee instead, but he refused it and went to get another beer. About an hour later I decided I wasn't going to stand around and let him drink on Christmas morning in front of my little sisters so I threw all his beer outside in the snow and told him we were going to leave if he drank anymore. I told him he embarrassed us enough the night before and if he loved his family he would resist drinking, if only for that one day. For some reason I was actually surprised when he chose the alcohol over us. At noon me, my mom and my 5 younger siblings packed up and left him.
Of course the rest of the family went back to him a couple days later without consequence (my mother is a huge enabler). I didn't go home for thanksgiving this year because nothing has changed and I didn't want to deal with the stress that comes along with him drinking during the holidays. Now, I am wondering if I should skip Christmas too.
The sad thing is I have a 4 month old daughter and I want him to be part of her life. But lately I'd rather spend time with my in-laws where things seem somewhat normal. I feel like I am replacing my old family with a new one. Should I confront him about all my issues... I was thinking about writing him a letter.
Last Christmas was horrible. He ruined it for everyone. Christmas Eve he went to the bar and showed up two hours late when all of our family came over. If that wasn't embarrassing enough, he was so drunk that he passed out while he was standing up and fell flat on his back onto the floor. It was so akward in front of the whole family. Then the next morning when we were opening presents instead of going for the cup of coffee he used to (about 5 years ago) he went straight for the beer. It was 10 in the morning!! That did it. I grabbed the beer out of his hand and gave him a cup of coffee instead, but he refused it and went to get another beer. About an hour later I decided I wasn't going to stand around and let him drink on Christmas morning in front of my little sisters so I threw all his beer outside in the snow and told him we were going to leave if he drank anymore. I told him he embarrassed us enough the night before and if he loved his family he would resist drinking, if only for that one day. For some reason I was actually surprised when he chose the alcohol over us. At noon me, my mom and my 5 younger siblings packed up and left him.
Of course the rest of the family went back to him a couple days later without consequence (my mother is a huge enabler). I didn't go home for thanksgiving this year because nothing has changed and I didn't want to deal with the stress that comes along with him drinking during the holidays. Now, I am wondering if I should skip Christmas too.
The sad thing is I have a 4 month old daughter and I want him to be part of her life. But lately I'd rather spend time with my in-laws where things seem somewhat normal. I feel like I am replacing my old family with a new one. Should I confront him about all my issues... I was thinking about writing him a letter.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
I would keep my daughter away from him. Why put her in the firing line if you have a choice? You must protect her.
I would also keep away at Christmas too. Your husband and your daughter are your priority now, and to keep that stable, you should think carefully about distancing yourself from your father, until he has the strength to deal with his problem.
Until this man shows respect for you and your feelings, keep away. If your in-laws are decent people and you like their company, there is no reason to feel you are swapping one family for another. Enjoy what they can bring to enrich your family with their good values. And have your mother and siblings come over to your home whenever you like - on their own without your father.
I wouldn't bother writing the letter either. Alcoholics don't use logic and it won't make a bit of difference to the situation. He may even use the information to emotionally manipulate you. Only his determination can change the situation. Nobody else can force him to account for his detrimental behaviour.
I would also keep away at Christmas too. Your husband and your daughter are your priority now, and to keep that stable, you should think carefully about distancing yourself from your father, until he has the strength to deal with his problem.
Until this man shows respect for you and your feelings, keep away. If your in-laws are decent people and you like their company, there is no reason to feel you are swapping one family for another. Enjoy what they can bring to enrich your family with their good values. And have your mother and siblings come over to your home whenever you like - on their own without your father.
I wouldn't bother writing the letter either. Alcoholics don't use logic and it won't make a bit of difference to the situation. He may even use the information to emotionally manipulate you. Only his determination can change the situation. Nobody else can force him to account for his detrimental behaviour.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Don't get me going on miserable chritmas's!! Not now though but I remember.
It seems you have the solution - your inlaws. We spend xmas on our own but if we did spend it with family it would be my inlaws. My MIL knows more about my life than my mother, cares more and even when she drives me potty she is at least there!
It doesn't mean your father can't play a part in the life of your daughter just that you can have a good holiday and work on boundaries re his contact with your daughter that allow the best you can get - and may well involve avoiding holidays as drinking hot spots.
It's probably much easier for me - I can put my foot in it over and over again, forgetting that I'm less close to my family than most. Even so it looks to me like you have a very viable option to the chrimbo from hell and taking it may be the best solution.
Oh and welcome, hi, pull up a chair - this is a damn cool place!
It seems you have the solution - your inlaws. We spend xmas on our own but if we did spend it with family it would be my inlaws. My MIL knows more about my life than my mother, cares more and even when she drives me potty she is at least there!
It doesn't mean your father can't play a part in the life of your daughter just that you can have a good holiday and work on boundaries re his contact with your daughter that allow the best you can get - and may well involve avoiding holidays as drinking hot spots.
It's probably much easier for me - I can put my foot in it over and over again, forgetting that I'm less close to my family than most. Even so it looks to me like you have a very viable option to the chrimbo from hell and taking it may be the best solution.
Oh and welcome, hi, pull up a chair - this is a damn cool place!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: out of town
Posts: 85
I have a 22 year old daughter, my soon to be ex of 23 years is an alcoholic. As a mother I would strongly encourage you to take care of YOURSELF. Go to your inlaws, have a wonderful Christmas. Letters are useless to give to an alcoholic, letters ARE uselful in getting your feellings out, write it then burn it.
I have had to watch my daughter suffer with the pain and humiliation. I once was the enabler. I have seen her hopes dashed so many times. Her father just got out of prison for DUI's a week before Thanksgiving, she came home from college with all the hopes that something would change. She took him shopping to buy everything for dinner and quess what, he called her Thanksgiving day and was drunk, no dinner, no nothing.
I have moved on and have found a normal relationship. You may feel guilt about moving on, but you deserve to be around people who bring you joy and happiness. You are not going to change your dad, he will have to do that on his own. It is not his right, but it should be a privilage for him to spend time with you and your family.
I only hope and pray my daughter will move on and make choices in the future that will bring her much joy and not pain. Good luck and God Bless you during this holiday season.
I have had to watch my daughter suffer with the pain and humiliation. I once was the enabler. I have seen her hopes dashed so many times. Her father just got out of prison for DUI's a week before Thanksgiving, she came home from college with all the hopes that something would change. She took him shopping to buy everything for dinner and quess what, he called her Thanksgiving day and was drunk, no dinner, no nothing.
I have moved on and have found a normal relationship. You may feel guilt about moving on, but you deserve to be around people who bring you joy and happiness. You are not going to change your dad, he will have to do that on his own. It is not his right, but it should be a privilage for him to spend time with you and your family.
I only hope and pray my daughter will move on and make choices in the future that will bring her much joy and not pain. Good luck and God Bless you during this holiday season.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
same response here...........write the letter and dont give it to him--it WILL help you,but as said,they dont comprehend anything anyway,and make all kinds of excuses so..............................its great that you have the inlaws---its sad,that we have to detach from people at times,especially family--but just because they are family doesnt mean we do,or dont do what feels good for US.you have told him,tried to help him,now ya got to let go and leave it up to him. hope your holidays turn out great for you,and welcome to the site,its a great place to be!
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Welcome to SR, soulsearcher...
I would also like to suggest Al-Anon as an avenue toward finding healing from the effects the disease of alcoholism has had on you and your family. Many people find relief from similar effects every day in those rooms. Know that you are not alone...
As for confrontation, I've learned through experience that confronting an active alcoholic is about as effective as confronting a beer bottle. I expend a ton of energy (that could be better spent) and nothing changes. I can certainly make a person aware of my feelings by saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it in a mean way, but I need to keep my expectations minimal as to the effect this may have.
Al-Anon has helped me learn to cope with these situations, and the principles I learn there can be applied to every situation I face. I often hear in Al-Anon meetings that it is possible to "find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not". I have found this to be 100% true.
I hope you'll stick around and share with us!
I would also like to suggest Al-Anon as an avenue toward finding healing from the effects the disease of alcoholism has had on you and your family. Many people find relief from similar effects every day in those rooms. Know that you are not alone...
As for confrontation, I've learned through experience that confronting an active alcoholic is about as effective as confronting a beer bottle. I expend a ton of energy (that could be better spent) and nothing changes. I can certainly make a person aware of my feelings by saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it in a mean way, but I need to keep my expectations minimal as to the effect this may have.
Al-Anon has helped me learn to cope with these situations, and the principles I learn there can be applied to every situation I face. I often hear in Al-Anon meetings that it is possible to "find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not". I have found this to be 100% true.
I hope you'll stick around and share with us!
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Idget
I'll let you in on a well known secret...."love" is not stronger than alcoholism! We think it is, want to / need to believe that it is, but in reality, it's not. Alcoholism is the most important thing to an alcoholic and it takes priority over spouses, children, grandchildren, friends (non-drinking friends that is), work, responsibility.....you name it.
Hello Soulsearcher-
Welcome.
You'll find comfort and understanding here. You can find peace of mind, even if the alcoholic in your life continues to drink.
Reaching out is a very healthy thing for you to do. This terrible disease does its damage when people become too afraid or ashamed to speak out.
Robin
Idget - I love that line (Love is not stronger than alcoholism) It is so true.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by nocellphone
I can certainly make a person aware of my feelings by saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it in a mean way, but I need to keep my expectations minimal as to the effect this may have.
Regarding pouring out booze - I refuse to to it anymore.
The alcoholic will always live in a world where booze is readily available.
If they can't pour out their own booze, they will never get better.
They have to do it themselves. I can't do it for them.
Robin
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: terre haute, IN
Posts: 3
What great advice!! Thanks.
Maybe you all can help with another thing I am really struggling with. It is the fact that I have younger siblings. I hate to not go home for christmas and abandon them. I feel so helpless. I can't help but feeling that I need to rescue them from this situation as well. However, I want to protect my own daughter and myself from being let down yet another holiday. The problem is that I live 3 hours away and it is hard for me to get them to visit. I feel like they are too young to understand why I choose to distance myself. They just think I am abandoning them. Any advice?
Maybe you all can help with another thing I am really struggling with. It is the fact that I have younger siblings. I hate to not go home for christmas and abandon them. I feel so helpless. I can't help but feeling that I need to rescue them from this situation as well. However, I want to protect my own daughter and myself from being let down yet another holiday. The problem is that I live 3 hours away and it is hard for me to get them to visit. I feel like they are too young to understand why I choose to distance myself. They just think I am abandoning them. Any advice?
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
That's a really tough situation.
Do you think some "telephone visits" would help?
I have an aunt who lets me know she cares by phoning, even though she can't visit in person. I feel close to her, even though we hardly ever see each other face to face.
Robin
Do you think some "telephone visits" would help?
I have an aunt who lets me know she cares by phoning, even though she can't visit in person. I feel close to her, even though we hardly ever see each other face to face.
Robin
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 10
I also understand that dilemma but from a different perspective. I have friends and family who at times refuse to come over because of my ah bf.
I realize I share the blame for how they feel because I would share my pain and problems regarding his drinking with them. Somehow when they made comments like "We'd love to see you but not him" I ended up mad at them.
Crazy huh? Only my opinion, and I'm way too new to offer one that holds any good advice but from my heart I would go for a short visit only just to see your siblings. Remember that is just me and I'm still new to the 12 steps of Al Anon and have alot to learn. Whatever is best for you is what's best.
I realize I share the blame for how they feel because I would share my pain and problems regarding his drinking with them. Somehow when they made comments like "We'd love to see you but not him" I ended up mad at them.
Crazy huh? Only my opinion, and I'm way too new to offer one that holds any good advice but from my heart I would go for a short visit only just to see your siblings. Remember that is just me and I'm still new to the 12 steps of Al Anon and have alot to learn. Whatever is best for you is what's best.
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