Soul Catcher

I have been talking with a friend of mine through the years and until now it's been just friends....well....we were "together" before I was married. I have been seperated for four years and my ah is a very active alcoholic and my feelings for him are gone. I have accepted he is going to die from this disease, sadly. I tried everything to make it work, he's too sick. So anyway, I have feelings for my friend. He's so funny and I could talk to him for hours. He wants to come over to visit. He lives a few hours away. I kinda feel quilty but I think I owe it to myself to feel like an attractive woman right? I miss being talked to sweet and touched and respected. So far it's just friendship, but you never know the future. I think I've waited long enough for a miracle to happen with ah. How long did you guys wait to move on???

rivercitybelle

As long as it took to feel right about it.
If it doesn't feel right, then it's okay to "not move on". It's like the stay or leave choice... it's something only you can know what is right for you.

Yes, at times I have regrets and walk down the 'could have should have would have' path. I understand however, I had things to do with my life first and so did my current husband - he was an old boyfriend from college - found again.

I still have an A in my life in the form of my brother, but now I can love him from a distance and not get caught up in the DRAMA.

I was lucky. I found a man who makes me feel alive again. Who treats me with care, love, respect and kindness. I feel (inside) like the person I was 25 plus years ago. But it took a while for me to feel right about "moving on". I learned to love myself again, thus my HP opened the door to let love and companionship walk in.

Gabe

I agree with Belle, you will know when the time is right for you.
That varies from person to person.
You feel guilty Soul?
About what?
Wanting to have a life?
Get rid of the guilt stick.
You have every right to pursue a happy, healthy relationship.

Jazzman

Soul... For fear of getting flamed again, I was going to keep my fingers shut. But you know me, I just can't help it.. Just four weeks ago you posted this:<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

Just need reminded. <o:p></o:p>

So just what ARE you ready for? Another child with your out of the picture AH or a new relationship? I hope you know I'm just trying to help here, take what you want and leave the rest... If my opinion is nothing you're interested in, believe me I'm fine with that. And I can certainly understand the lack of intimacy getting old, but there's a lot to be said about making healthy choices. If you have the hots for this guy then scratch that itch, by all means! Two adults CAN make that choice. But I would get out of the relationship you're in before even fantasizing about another one. But if it's just sex you miss, be careful who you date, you might just fall in love.<o:p></o:p>

bikewench

lolol....


Hey Soul...

I'm all for enjoying the hell out of happiness wherever you find it...
and it don't help to try to look too far down the road...
relationships evolve.. or their supposed to.. ;o)
but.. today is where we are meant to operate...

I too stuggle with misplaced loyalties...

Put yourself and your happiness first gurl.

Your entitled to that.
and no one else is going to go after it for you.

Have the courage to dump the status quo and walk your own road.

Soul Catcher

I'm not going to reem you Jazz.lol I know I sound totally nuts and confused. I am. I would like to have another child, I know thats probably all it's going to be is a thought and that's ok with me. I love the three I have and they keep me busy enough. I guess I just didn't want to be a mother with different fathers like my mother did to me and my brothers and sister. I know where that thought stems from. Also on the reality side, I know my ah isn't going to be the man I would like him to be. I feel quilty because I really believed in my vows and I wanted to be married to that one person for the rest of my life. I just didn't know he was going to be a flaming alcoholic which changes things drastically. My morals stand in the way of me moving on. I have never cheated on my husband, not even when we were dating. From the day I said hello to him I was faithful. Can't say that for him. Because I have to live with myself and I do not like carrying hard feelings around with me and I'm afraid if I do start a relationship I will leave him. I have that "what if" he does get sober? I liked the sober person he was. I do not want another man really. But I can't have the one I wanted. So instead of sitting and waiting 20 years I just wanted to know if I should persue a different relationship. I don't want to mess up my kids and I would be one of those mothers to suffer and be miserable just so they would be happy. I want one thing....but can't have it. I am confused. I also know how bad of a mess up he is but he's my mess up. I do desearve better and I'm told that by family and friends and I have alot to offer someone else....I guess in a way I'm afraid if I move on I'll be starting another screwed up relationship. I was blind sided by the first one and had no clue. I just want a good man and a happy family. Go ahead Jazz......analyze me. hahaha MUAH

dax

Why don't you just divorce your husband - this woulf free you from guilt and a lot more. After 4 years and no feelings left, you deserve a new better life. If he were to get sober, that is absolutely no gurantee things will get better. He could easly run off with a woman in the program or be so caught up in his sobriety, there would be no room for you or your kids. remember living with a sober alcoholic is living with a chronically ill person with a huge amount of personal baggage. dax

pmaslan

SC...are your children really happy right now?
I think if we are unhappy children tend to feel that as well.
If you go to Alanon or find some outside therapy
you will begin to understand why you are so confused....
thus...
help prevent you from entering into another screwed up relationship in the future.

Jazzman

SC, very normal struggle for everyone here with similar stories to yours. Just divorce your husband and move on. Find a good man and be happy..

Here's a list of questions I wrote up for any woman I might meet and would maybe like ask out.. Feel free to use it.

1) Are you nuts?
2) Are you currrently addicted to anything?
3) Have you ever been Arrested?
4) Have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder?
(and a recent optional addition)
5) Do you do chores?

Gabe

Oh my...there is coffee all over my desk now.
Shame about that and all.

pmaslan

i know what you mean Gabe.....Jazz has had us all spitting up all over the place
at one time or another.......lol gotta love em'

gelfling

Oh God Jazz...what a pig. Looks as if you're not really interested in going out with anyone. Drop the last question.

lojomama

SC-I can relate to this, I was a single mom w/2 daughters when I hooked up w/my AH, who was my highschool sweetheart of 3 years. My beliefs are like yours, I truly wanted to be in one marriage for my entire life. I know now that that is just a dream. (just like wanting all my children to be w/one man!) I am also faced w/leaving my AH, and it is a hard decision. Take a good hard look at where your kids may be in their future & what kind of impact this will have on their lives as much as yours. I think you will see that leaving is a healthy choice. Bad relationships have a far worse effect on kids than a lack of one. (in my opinion) My older kids are living proof of that. (been thru a previous abusive relationship for 5 years) I sympathize w/your struggle to make a decision, but you & your kids do deserve to be happy & healthy!

lojomama

Ok....in defense of Jazz ...Hey man, I know where your'e coming from w/that...nobody wants to have someone around who can't pull there own weight that's capable to. I am the only one who takes care of the chores in my house!!!

Jazzman

Thanks Lojo... it was an inside joke between myself and SC. Gelfling was just goofin on me, (not like I don't deserve it) I guess you missed that thread! LOL! But yes you are correct! Partnering w/ someone means just that, "partnering" in every aspect of the word.

rivercitybelle

So a revised version of the list would look like this for the ladies to ask our current XY interest:

1) Are you nuts?
2) Are you currrently addicted to anything or in recovery - (sober for 10 minutes does not count)?
3) Have you ever been Arrested or are you a wanted fugitive?
4) Have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder and do you remember to take your medication?
5) Do you do chores on a consistant basis?
6) Are you married in any way, shape or form?
7) Can I trust you?
8) Do you remember to put the toilet seat down?

Sometimes we divorce our partners and other times they divorce us when we no longer believe in the color of the sky in their world.

Jazzman

Toilet seat..
Yep, that one belongs on the womens list for sure!

Cynay

The problem with that list is that a healthy guy would say


WOOOOOHHHHH BAGGAGE! and should run

and the guy a codie would choose would say

OF COURSE .... smile and tell us what we want to hear.

ahhh the catch 22, have to slide in the questions.... and observe me thinks

Jazzman

Cynay, I pee sitting down at home becaue it reduces frequency of cleaning the bathrooms. Didn't count on the efficient engineering type guy.. did you?

pmaslan

How funny, that is how my ex trained our sons to pee...Jazz......lol