Moving on to a different relationship?

Old 11-29-2005, 02:18 PM
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I have not lived with my ah for four years. My children do not know any other way. Yes they are happy. They love their daddy and they talk to him often. My kids have everything they need and want. They laugh and are kind and very smart. So I do not think that they are in a bad situation at all.
As far as counseling......been there, done that. I've had so much counseling....I counsel others. Counseling doesn't change one's morals. No one can ever give the correct answers to another one's life because they do not live in the situation. So with any counseling you take what you need and leave the rest. I wanted advice or opinions to help sort through what I am thinking of.
My list would be this:
1) Do you drink?
2) Are you on medication?
3) What are your religious beliefs?
4) What is your relationship with your mother?
5) How many female friends do you have?
6) Are you handy around a house?
7) How do you disapline a child?
8) How many relationships have they have and how did they end, or who's fault was it...if it was always the female then he's LYING!
9) Would they be willing to take a test for all STD's?
10) Can they dance....(there is a reason for that question)
Chores is a must!!! But I would know that before we were married or dating.
9)
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Old 11-29-2005, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Jazzman
SC, very normal struggle for everyone here with similar stories to yours. Just divorce your husband and move on. Find a good man and be happy..

Here's a list of questions I wrote up for any woman I might meet and would maybe like ask out.. Feel free to use it.

1) Are you nuts?
2) Are you currrently addicted to anything?
3) Have you ever been Arrested?
4) Have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder?
(and a recent optional addition)
5) Do you do chores?

Jazz....you're hilarious! I needed that today!
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Old 11-29-2005, 02:25 PM
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Am I missing something? SC, you have mentioned your wedding vows and morals on here a lot, yet you are contemplating a relationship with a guy and you're not yet divorced. How does that work?

I am almost a year out of my relationship with R and have not even thought about starting a new one. I have found that it's taken me a long time to heal over that experience and I know that I would not be able to bring what is required to the party just yet.
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Old 11-29-2005, 02:31 PM
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I'd say she's "thinking" of moving on....
thinking of what she would like
what she should shoot for next time around...

Allowing ourselves to search out different options can be the crucial next step to deciding to end things...
or.. aren't we supposed to think about that stuff...??
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Old 11-29-2005, 03:01 PM
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Geez Jazz...I've got to go back and read all your posts. Since the last few episodes, I am more diligent about reading everything. Of course I was playing with you. You don't come off as a pig. Especially since
I pee sitting down at home becaue it reduces frequency of cleaning the bathrooms. Didn't count on the efficient engineering type guy.. did you?
What I wouldn't have given to have you train my 25 year old son.
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Old 11-29-2005, 04:52 PM
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Minnie, Your thoughts are your thoughts and I'm sure you and I would do things differently. I'm not sure how old you are but I am only 34 and still have alot of my life left. I have "waited" four years. I have been together with my ah for seven years. I also didn't say I was going to jump in the sack with the man I was saying I was wondering if I should pursue a possible relationship. I'm not crushed or hurt or abused. I am very stable. I just have a hard time letting go. Maybe a control thing. lol I hate admitting that the marriage didn't work.
I know I could love another person, I know I would not carrying pain with me, I know I have alot to offer. I am kinda ready to move on. It's the "what if's" that are holding me back.
My son pee's sitting down but somehow manages peeing through the crack of the seat and the bowl. UGH.
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Old 11-29-2005, 04:59 PM
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I'm not sure how old you are but I am only 34
Bless!! I'm only 32!!

Hon, I would never, ever criticise you (or anyone else) for moving on, nor was I thinking you were going to get it on with this guy asap. I just wondered how pursuing a possible relationship prior to getting divorced fitted in with your strongly held beliefs. Curious, not critical. Sorry if my question came across that way.

So, the good old "what ifs?" are making an appearance. I know those very well. I made the decision that "What now?" was a more manageable question.
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Old 11-29-2005, 05:11 PM
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If I did decide to "get it on" with the other guy I would definitly get a divorce first. I still have to be judged by the big guy up stairs one day and don't want to explain that one. Sheesh. hahaha God only knows the trouble I could get into if I didn't believe in my vows...........
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Old 11-29-2005, 05:38 PM
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true. I really wasn't thinking about HIM upholding his vows. OMG maybe I am the only one that's married........can you be married if the other person isn't in the marriage? Who in the world am I married to? My ghost isn't putting out! lol
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Old 11-29-2005, 05:47 PM
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Ok, maybe ONE date. It will feel good to just laugh. I don't remember the last time I did that. Today on the phone with my friend his laugh just made me feel so good. I love talking to a man who doesn't complain or whine and actually has other things to talk about other then how miserable he is.

Stormy, I live Mike in the red nose and antlers....Hysterical.
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Old 11-29-2005, 06:13 PM
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Hi SC,
Wow what can I sy except I know how you feel. So many questions and feelings, and yet we wait all this time before filing anything.

It's a very hard call , one I can not even make.

I guess you go with what makes you happy, good Lord I know I try.
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Old 11-29-2005, 08:30 PM
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I've read some of your threads and can relate to you. I'm married to my second alkie. I had two kids with my first. I figured I was done cause I could never have a kid with another alkie. Well, I married another and wanted another kid so bad I didn't really think straight. He didn't want any, but we ended up with one anyway. He verbally and emotionally abused me before, after and during pregnancy. I had a beautiful boy, but he still drank and was irresponsible, inconsiderate, unreliable, etc. I really wanted number four so I pushed for that. He resisted and said he didn't want the first one and certainly didn't want another. Well, somehow it happened again and last March I had a beautiful baby girl. Nothing has changed. I was living in a fantasy world. It was unfair for me to bring these kids into this marriage cause he is an alkie, irresponsible, inconsiderate, and very selfish. I love my kids more than anything, but should have not brought them into this terrible situation. By the way, I am a great mom and they are well cared for, but their dad is a complete loser and I'm sure it will affect them as they grow. Anyway, I totally understand how you feel about wanting more kids and am not judging you in any way - just sharing how I feel now.
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Old 11-30-2005, 09:25 AM
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The reason I would have had another child is because my ah is out of our house. There is no way I would have another while he was living with us being an active alcoholic. I would raise the child alone. I guess coming from a single mother I didn't think my life was that bad. In fact having a father I don't think I would have turned out the way I have. I am a great parent and my mother gave me so much strength. I know she had it hard but she survived and we turned out rather great if I do say so myself. haha
It is unfair to our children but having a mother and a father who is church going can screw up a kid just as well, no one's lives are perfect. We do what we can with what we have. Even if I was poor in a tent in the woods my children would still be happy with good hearts no alky is going to stand in the way of their happiness. I knew keeping my ah in the house with them was abuse. I did not realize how bad my husband was with the alcohol, I did not grow up around it so I was blindsided completley. But knowing what I know now I can say that it will NEVER happen again to me. I gave myself two years to have another child. I have eight months left to my decision. I will go from there. I know I can not have another child with this man and yes it is unfair to the child. I am hoping maybe I will find that man of my dreams in eight months hahahaha yea right! Either way, I'm ok with or without. I spend my spare time helping children at my kids school. I am also going to be a gaurdian ad litum.
Just tired, I can promise you that getting away from the alcoholic will help you so much. I know how scary it is but you will find so much strength and your children will learn from you. My children are 5,4,4. Since I am all they have I have to show them that life isn't bad. I'm sure you want all the same things for your children as I do for mine but I had to sacrifice their father to save them. I keep the calls to a minimum. I quit allowing him to break their hearts. I have had to become a father, what I could anyway and play with worms and go fishing....things I HATE. I love my mother for being both. The only thing I feel for my father is pity because I am one hell of a cool chick. His loss. The only thing I wish I could do is be there when God judges him....Cause you know God loves his kids....tisk tisk tisk to those bad daddy's. Lots of love to you justired. I'm here for you.
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Old 11-30-2005, 12:33 PM
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ok, lemme see if I have this straight - - - You've been married 7 years and seperated for 4 of those years?? I don't understand the question.

I truly believe that God/HP does NOT expect us to be martyrs. S/he knows we are only human. We make mistakes. We are allowed to move on and have a GOOD life. Why would God/HP want us to continue to suffer and be miserable? I think we can learn from our pain - yes! But learn and GROW and be happy. Sometimes that means we need to move on.

It takes TWO people to have a marriage - or partnership of any kind.

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Old 11-30-2005, 12:38 PM
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Yes been together seven years, married six and seperated four of those seven years. Soon I will have been seperated longer then I've been married huh??? Ouch.
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Old 11-30-2005, 12:51 PM
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Oh Go for it! Especially since you don't intend to' cross the line' unless you are divorced. If you date a man willing to go by your rules, he is probably a a good guy. You have been loyal to this man long enough. The older you get , the fewer available men that might make the list- lord knows there are really really just a few good men. Although I really can't see why you can't let him completely go. I bet he has not been loyal to you in the last 4 years. dax
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Old 11-30-2005, 01:03 PM
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SC, your questions are similar to the ones I ask of my puppy buyers? Can't you find all this stuff out "getting to know" the person. Your questions sound scary to me and if they were asked of me by someone, I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit!
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Old 11-30-2005, 02:42 PM
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First off Aspouse I wouldn't come right out and say "I have a list of questions to ask you" duh... I would find out by way of questions and stories I would ask. Which question is scary. The one about him dancing is a joke. They saying goes "if they can't dance they are no good in the sack" As far as chores...that's an inside joke between me and a few other posters.
So your puppies do chores? And dance? They have mental issues? They drink? How in the world are MY questions the same that you would ask your potential owners....and I'm the one that's scary????? hmmmmmm I have a full breed pup and I wasn't a asked any of those questions. Then again......you dont' have to marry a dog or sleep with a dog or carry on a conversation with a dog can you???
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Old 11-30-2005, 03:13 PM
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I was being facetious SC ....

So your puppies do chores? And dance? They have mental issues? They drink? How in the world are MY questions the same that you would ask your potential owners
No need to be abrupt, sheesh! You are far too sensitive.

Do my dogs do chores? Well, yea I've taught them to pick up their toys and put them in their toy basket, so I guess I consider that a chore, it helps me after all.

Do my dogs dance, well yea, I have one or two that I have trained to dance and I train in FreeStyle Dog Dancing with two of them. We're not good enough to compete yet, but someday I hope too.

Have you ever known a Belgian Sheepdog? If you have then you wouldn't ask if they have mental issues ...... sometimes it seems as if they do, honest!

I guess about the only thing they don't do is drink, except spring water of course. And yes, my potential puppy buyers complete a 50 question application before I even consider selling them a pup and that truly is an interview process.

Look, the point I was making was simply that finding that someone special does not require what I call an interview process. Finding a SO is like a dance, sometimes it's slow, sometimes it's fast. My feeling, because you have this so defined in your mind exactly what you want and what you don't, is that you're not ready yet. You're not ready to live, to enjoy life on life's terms. It seems as if you want your life, but only on your terms. That will make finding that someone special, well just a little more difficult. Life is give and take.

Look, this is just my opinion, but I think you are trying to categorize relationships in "Black & White" with no "Gray" area. Life simply isn't all black & white. I've learned this over the years. Even selling pups, with my 50 question application is no guarantee, it simply isn't black & white.
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Old 11-30-2005, 03:19 PM
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Judy, I almost posted something about the question thing earlier. TBH, I have loads of questions to consider should I (ever!) get in a position to begin a new relationship. But they aren't questions to ask HIM, they are questions to ask MYSELF. The things I would want "answered" are all there to be found out in the actions, not the words.

BTW, SC - how would you feel if your husband went on a date?
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