feelingalone

I really am not trying to be dirty here....but I don't know what to do. My Ahusband has gotten really rotten lately in his verbal assaults. Saying horribly nasty things to me. The sad thing is that while I remember it, his words are almost numbing to me. Prior to things becoming so bad with him, our sex life was....well great. Now, it's horrible....or the lack thereof and he is constantly reminding me of it.

I'm not trying to punish him by holding out. It's that I have absolutely no desire after the cruel and horrible things he says. It's a vicious cycle that I don't know how to stop.

Any help??

cwohio

feeling - no answers for you but i do know how you feel. i as in that exact position. any desire i had really went down the toilet. i don't know tho - maybe subconsciously i was "punishing" him altho i have run this over in my mind and i really don't think so. hopefully others will have some words of wisdom for you!

bikewench

Hey...

Welcome to SR Feelingalone...

Yes...
the downward spiral.


As I cannot control another's behavior per se... I must look to myself to protect myself and prevent further abuse.

I had to first tell myself that I did not deserve to be treated in that way...
and then I had to start acting in ways that backed that up.

Not engaging the verbal abuse was one way.
When my guy started raging at me... I would just leave...
giving him a direct message...
I don't have to listen to this.

We have to empower ourselves...

I invite you to stay on SR... learn about the addictive personality and how we can move on.

prodigal

I understand what you mean. It's impossible to feel all warm and fuzzy towards someone who is calling you a f***ing b**** and ranting at you, accusing you of things you haven't done, making snide comments. Nobody wants to get up close and personal with that type of abusive personality.

My AH was in high gear with the verbal abuse for quite awhile. Then he told the marriage counselor he could not understand why I had become "cold" towards him. Heck, I slept in the basement most of the time for an entire year rather than take the chance of him touching me. Things got better for awhile - note I said awhile - and living in the laa-laa land of denial with my AH, I gave in. After all, I figured, my libido was kicking in once in awhile even when he was (most of the time) a head case.

Now we don't fight much. I just go my way and he goes his. Sex? Well, it's an occasional, sporadic thing - kinda like an itch that needs to get scratched. I wouldn't call it lovemaking in the true sense of the word. I doubt there's much love involved, just physical satisfaction.

For all the whining he did when I was "cold" and avoiding him, it's rather intriguing to watch how he now avoids me. It doesn't particularly bother me. I guess I finally got to the point that I didn't much care if he touched me or not and he picked up on that vibe.

I can't speak for everyone here, but I would imagine that most of us have gone through this situation where we simply don't want the A in our life to put their hands on us - even if it's just a hug or holding hands!

pmaslan

This thread is difficult for me because my ex John wasn't verbally or physically
abusive to me....
When he was at his worst possible place in his addiction all he wanted to cuddle
up to was his bottle of vodka...
I didn't mind because the smell on his breath was a total turn off....
and performance well not even possible...
He didn't seem to mind that I wasn't interested in intimacy...
for his true love was already in his hands....

Soul Catcher

The more sad part is half the stuff they say to us they don't even remember. The one thing I hate the most is all the verbal abuse and they forget and when they want to be nice they expect us to be on the same page. It's too hard to be with an alcoholic. It's almost like you need to post a schedule so you can sometimes be on the same page...Ok at 12:30 we are going to be nice....at 1:00 you can have your mood swing....1:30 to 1:45 call me names 2:00 forget you said everything.....2:15 take a nap.....3:30 hug me and ask what I've been doing all day....3:45 hug me and ask me what I've been doing all day again......4:00 start drinking....ect.....LOL

pmaslan

Soul Catcher...I almost forgot what it's like to live with an alcoholic...thanks for the hour by hour recap.....how well I am beginning to remember that!!!!

Gabe

Hilarious Soul Catcher.

cupowater

God, you are SO right!

Prodigal, you said it all too. Especially this part:
"I can't speak for everyone here, but I would imagine that most of us have gone through this situation where we simply don't want the A in our life to put their hands on us - even if it's just a hug or holding hands!"

TexasGirl

I hear you FA.

Hmmm...or am I doing this? Am I punishing him? Trying to use whatever little power I can come up with against him? How do you tell the difference between punishment and just plain "I don't like you very much right now."

Jazzman

FA, It truly boggles the sober mind that some of the meanest things they say, they will not remember saying them and then be completely puzzled at the loss of interest in intamacy. Like Patty I forgot living the daily blow by blow from Soul Catcher. My only advice is set your boundaries of what you can and can't live with and stick to them.

cupowater

You know, Mine dosen't say mean things so much. He does however, become sarcastic, and just the fact that he goes to the bar all the time, and is ALWAYS drunk, is such a turn off! I have lost respect for him, and therefore have no intrest sexually in him!

Loopylou

My ah drives me mad with the verbal rantings. He can be really really spiteful & nasty - most often this is totally out of the blue. When he's very drunk I try to keep out of his way by sitting in another room or going on the computer etc. He has recently called me all the names under the sun, threatened to shut our bank account & accused me of stealing from him. When I asked him why he had said what he said - he actually couldn't remember what he had said minutes later. He never remembers what he has said in the morning - it took me a long time to work out that he would often bluff info on why I was so upset out of me.
I get texted apologies later in the day about "going to far" or "getting carried away" if he senses I am very upset. Often when he wakes he continues the verbal crap as he is hungover.
I have told him I want to split loads of times & he ignores me totally - he is in denial about his drinking and denial about our relationship. He is either telling me he loves me than anything in the world or calling me names & accusing me of lying, having an affair, stealing etc - he can swing between the two in the space of minutes.
I have also had the sex thing - he rants about how marriages are for sex and it is my duty to have sex with him (you can imagine how much of a turn on that is!). He used to insist on sex Sunday morning as the rest of the time he was incapable. I used to think there was something wrong with me & tried all manner of things to try to get myself to want to have sex with him. Slowly I am understanding that I am entitled to not want to have sex with someone who is abusive towards me. Just because he doesn't remember what he has said or claims he was only joking it doesn't make it any less painful.

Jazzman

Words cut so deep, and you can't take them back. It got to the point where the apoligies in the morning only got my response, "Sorry doesn't cut it anymore".

feelingalone

I feel like you all have been at my house! LOL I am tired of the nasty words. Last night I knew I was provoking him somewhat. He started, and for the first time his words didn't stun me. I hated what he was saying, but in front of him I was completely emotionless about it and said, " Is that the best you've got?" Eventually he said yes and it was over. I just beg the question.....how in the world do you even want to be naked in front of somewhat who said "You are so fat you look pregnant." Why is it that I take this? He's in denial about his problem....I'm not anymore. Here is the kicker....he'll always say "You don't do anything but bit*h and complain." To which I say, "what is the only thing I hate?" He'll respond "my drinking....and that's bulls**t. My drinking doesn't have anything to do with it."

I think I'm done. I'm going to ride out the holidays, but I can't deal with this. We are both young and we should have a long and happy life ahead of us. I refuse to let things end up like his parents. I refuse to be "that woman".

Thanks everyone.

lojomama

We are in the same boat!!! I have a real hard time being intimate w/my AH. He really doesn't bug me much about it, because he lets it sit & sit, until he's mad, then he brings it up during one of his binges. He says that one of the reasons he drinks is becuz of the lack of intimacy. But recently, before he switched to working days, our intimacy was back on track, I even was attracted to him! Then he switched, started drinking on the drive home every night. So why did he start drinking again if things were getting better?!!
Anyway, one of the biggest turn-offs for me is the smell of our bedroom when he is drinking, it smells like being in the mouth of a giant w/bad breath, who has been drinking yukon-jack!!! The other turn-off is that my husband becomes a letch, makes ugly faces, and thinks this will turn me on?!! It is just gross!!! What a major TURN-OFF.
But I've decided to make an end to it, I'm just letting the holidays go by first. My son wouldn't understand if daddy wasn't there for Christmas morning.

Wish we weren't "floating in this boat", but I'm sure we'll both find a dock soon, and be able to step on the shores of "recovery & freedom"!! :boat

cupowater

Oh, I can so relate! Although I don't share a bed with my A, we share a bathroom, that is IN my bedroom, and when he walks in my room in the morning, I want to GAG!

velma929

Oh, I didn't know anyone else had that experience. Really, I didn't.

AH is not so much abusive as insensitive. He gets crushes on other women, and she will be all he talks about for weeks. Well I pay the phone bills. I know who the long distance phone calls are going to. H3ll, sometimes I'm here when he calls them. Once he spent 45 minutes on the phone with someone, and when he got off the phone I had a question about some work on our house. He snapped at me that he didn't have time for conversation, he had work to do!

He also has a habit of starting conversations, then deciding it's late, and I'm keeping him from getting the sleep he needs. "It's late, I have to go to bed," he snarled at me happened again just last week.

This is not the way to make me feel receptive.

rara

The sex thing is very sad. For a long time, we never did because he was either too drunk or couldn't...you know...or I was so angry or disgusted that I just shut down. There is really no easy answer to this dilemma. But it is really difficult, because something that gives such an emotional/intimate connection is gone, thereby making an intimate connection even less likely.

I remember thinking that I was too exhausted and angry to even think about it, like it didn't exist...yet other times I would actually try to will myself to initiate it because I wanted SOME connection, like maybe it would make things better. It did once, but I don't see it again for now.

I know about the verbal abuse and then acting like it didn't happen -- can't remember it -- it really hurts, but I also feel numb.

It's just sad.

ladybug

Wow, I am brand new to this. Brand new to seeking help. Brand new to realizing I am not alone or crazy. My story is the same. Verbal abuse. Communication shut down. The difference for me is that my AH never apologizes. At least not in the daylight. Why should he? It's not his fault right.
Coming to bed and having sex is the only way he "apologizes". It's a physical apology. Sometimes followed by the actual words. I cry. I feel better temporarily and then I can get up the next day and go to work and actually function. For a few more days I pretend we are fine. I am just beginning this process but your post really struck a familiar cord for me and for right now, 12:30 pm on November 29th I feel stronger. Thank you feelingalone.