cupowater

Its funny how they turn it around like it is US that is "holding back the sex". Gives them another excuse to go drink. And the cycle continues!

cupowater

They would probably be too drunk to notice!

Soul Catcher

It actually IS a cycle. It's called the honeymoon phase. I learned this in one of my many sessions. They start out sweet, get angry, argue and fight, apoligize and it starts again. It gets really really old once your on to it. I know my ah do well that I can plan his next move. I know the excuse he will use. Sex for me stopped along time ago. He's about as appealing as that old drunk under the bridge. Plus since he's always waisted who knows where his bits and pieces have been. gross. Sorry but I don't want stuff rotting off.

feelingalone

Some of you have really made me laugh....and that's a good thing! Seriously, though, it's almost as if my AH senses me being at my wit's end and turns things around....for however long it lasts. Today I was able to see the man I married all those years ago and it was refreshing. It gives me hope for him....for us and for our family.

Thanks everyone!

Soul Catcher

Honeymoon phase.....wait until tomorrow. hahaha Seriously, good luck and enjoy it while it's there.

FormerDoormat

Glad you found us and that you were able to laugh today. Drop in anytime. You don't have to feel alone anymore.

Aquiana

Holy, I can't believe I didn't finish this one before! I totally know what you guys are talking about. It's not name calling and yelling or even him drunk that really bugs me. It's the lies and disrespect! We have sex maybe once every couple weeks or so. He thinks I lost my sex drive after pregnancy. I know I just lost my attraction to him. The funny part is I just figured out this week how bad it's gotten. Sex is great but never the most important part of intimacy for me. I prefer the hand-holding, snuggling, hugging and kissing stuff more for closeness. I found out I don't even want anything to do with that anymore. We have an island in our kitchen and last Saturday night I was on one side and he was on the other. He slowly walking around it to get close to me, and I kept walking around the other side. I didn't even realize I was doing it until he called me on it. Totally sub-conscious. After I thought about it though I realized how often I do that kind of thing now. He tries to hold my hand, I busy them with something else. He tries to sit by me on the couch, I get up to "do laundry" or something. There have been anti-touching excuses just about constant for the last 3 months I'd say. Sex is the same thing. I even used my monthly curse as and excuse 3 days after it ended. That was this week after I realized what I was doing. I just want him to touch me about as much as I want someone to put a leech on my leg. The worst part is he knows what I'm doing and totally can't figure out why.... and that only makes me want less to do with him.

cupowater

Aquiana, I do the same things. Then you hear the sarcastic comments about how we don't want sex. They can't understand why!

BlueMoon

Ohhhhhhhh yeah - BTDT -
NOT that I ever expect anyone to 'read my mind' - but ummmm - COME ON!! FIGURE IT OUT FOR GOODNESS SAKES! *geesh*

STEPS TO LIFE

This is just my experience. From an ah point of veiw. Not always but often men seem to be more visually stimulated, and women more emotional stimulated. Meaning, you can hurt a man emotionally and he will probably still want sex from you if it is right in front of him. Women, not so much maybe. Keeping this in mind lets also consider our ego. Most of us (in my opinion) are fear based, most anger/resentments are related to loosing something we have or not getting something we want, in one way or another. A mans fear in this scenario may be, "we never have sex any more" (fear) related to feelings of entitlement(not getting what he wants), losing a mode of intamacy,not feeling he his attractive to spouse. May manifest as anger/resentment. Which tends to hurt the spouse more and contributes to the feelings of "absolutly no desire" which may come from anger/resentment from "not getting the respect I deserve"(fear) or loosing self-esteme by feeling pressured into sex when you don't want to. This was how things were in my sex life with my wife for quite a while, and it spiraled down before both of us came to some understanding of the others needs and wants, as well as our own motives and actions (selfish vs. non-selfish). Speaking for myself, I made a decision to help the situation. I tried (and still try, not always with success) to look at each situation like this; is what I am doing honest, kind/helpful, and without selfishness. My wife told me exactly how she felt, she needed intimacy before she would feel attracted to me again, intimacy apparently can involve a number of things (eg... from dishwashing to remebering her co-workers names, who knew!!). She also helped get the ball rolling (no pun intended) with comments about things she does find attractive about me, and maybe a little sex before she felt it was truly "making love". My advise is this, be honest without expectations on how it is recieved, look at your resentments and find where your behaivior is involved (pseudo 4th step), look for something you can do to improve the situation instead of make it worse ( I don't mean you have to just give in, that may not be helpful, espesially with an alcoholic). Just my point of view, take what you want and leave the rest.

Good luck,

Justgladtobehere!

rookknight65

I'm glad someone's talking about this. When I broke up with my AGF in April, the sex was lousy. In fact, I found myself unable to perform towards the end. I got involved briefly with someone else and the sex was incredible. By June however, I realized I was still very much in love with my AGF so we tried to get back together in July. She was going out to the local bar and beating me back to her place by 10 minutes every night before I got off work (at midnight). She would tell me what she was doing too and I just kept at it.
My point is, the performance issues returned. It was really weird. Part of me didn't want her to think I wanted her for sex so I couldn't relax and "be in the moment". When I would come over and we would go to sleep in her bed, she said, "Don't worry, we're not going to do anything, I just want you to hold me." Of course, we both caved and tried to get "reacquainted".
Without getting too personal or graphic, I have really had better sex with other women. I don't stay around for the sex thats for sure. I find her very attractive but all her issues keep us from enjoying each other.

airc99

Hello all, I'm new hear, and I've been reading numerous threads that have been a reall eye opener, that will only make me better. My AGF is in rehab now and will be home Xmas eve, however looking, and not to get graphic, she would pass out in the middle of everything.... lol to how i felt at times...

meli2005

I think the verbal assaults would run anyone away from someone. It's hard to have attraction to someone who hurts you. Is he still actively drinking? That takes away their desire for anything except themselves and alcohol eventually.

rookknight65

The weirdest thing is....i'm a healthy, 38 yo guy with a healthy sexual appetite. I'm very sexually attracted to my AGF. I look at her and I get very primative feelings. The thing is, whenever we're together in bed, she just wants me to hold her and I'm perfectly content with that. I hold onto her like I never want to let her go and my sexual feelings take a backseat.