maggie1958

I haven't posted for sometime now. I am in a relationship with AB...sort of...seems it is always on his terms. I want to make it on my terms or end it is what I really think I need to do. I met this guy about a year and half ago...close to 2 years now..through a online dating thing. The first time we met was a disaster..and should have left it there....but I didn't. We started communicating again a few weeks later and met again a couple months later...everything seemed great for a while..maybe 6 months. He was up front to me that he was a A but hadn't drank for 3 years..so I thought I was ok with that....but...he went to visit his brother last Oct. and started drinking again. I didn't "catch on" to his mood swings and ect. for a while that he was drinking again. He told me he quit again about 6 months ago...he got a DUI and lost his license...and was back in AA and said he was quit...he wasn't. We live about a hour and half from each other so for him not having license we didn't see much of each other....Anyway...I just told him I would not see him if he was drinking...period! The last time I saw him was about a month ago...to be honest we had a great time...I really don't think he was drinking then. He then left on vacation to Thailand for 3 weeks...promised he would call...didn't...and now I see him back on IM...I really would like to just blow him off and walk away. I told him the last time I saw him I couldn't take much more...that he had pushed me away to the point I was about to leave..but then we had a wonderful evening. I am hurt he never called...I don't want to hear his excuses...because I know I will get sucked in again. I want to move on with my life...find someone that doesn't treat me this way. I know if it was one of my friends I would say...run away and don't look back...why can't I do that...I need your prayers to get through this...please keep me in your thoughts!

Savana 54

Hi Maggie, and welcome back to SR.

What are you getting out of this relationship besides having a good time once in awhile with him?

Alcoholics are very selfish, they also lie a lot and usually don't follow through with much of what they say, as the booze is their first love.

It never really gets better with an active alcoholic; in fact as they continue to drink it will only get a lot worse. If you think it's bad now, just give it another few years.

Hopefully you will stay around, read some posts on this board, and the stickies, and read what other SR members have to say as they talk about there experiences with loved ones that are alcholics.

You also might want to check out the book Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, it's such a great book!

Hugs,
Savana

TexasGirl

Hi Maggie,
Savana's right...it only gets worse with time. I've seen my AH get considerably worse in the past three months. It's like a series of steps...they seem to stay at one level for a while, then they descend again. Relapse is a far too common part of alcoholism, so keep in mind that even if he did actually stop again, there's always that chance he could also fall again.

CarolD

Be realistic....he did not visit you but went to Tailand.

That country is known for sex.

maggie1958

Thank you all for your post...I know you are right...I just have to keep telling myself that! I know everything I read on this board tells to it doesn't change for the better..just for the worse. Thanks for the reinforsement of what I already know but just don't want to listen to right now.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... we are glad you found us.

Might I suggest you attend some Al-anon meetings... maybe even some open AA meetings. Nothing like getting the story from the horses mouth so to speak.

If he is drinking, he will only pull you down with him, personally I regret the time I spent with his "good moment" and wish I had got out in the begining of my relationship with my ex-abf... not only does his behavior get worse ... but yours will too as your disease gets worse. I totally regret and Im embarrased by some of the things I said or did at the end of that relationship.....

It would have been better for us both if it had not lasted long enough to get that bad... so much hurt and resentment... I have spent the last year working on that.

maggie1958

Cybay, Thanks for your honesty...and no I really don't want to get pulled down by him....at least not more so than I already have. As for going to AA or Al-anon meeting that is kinda tough for me...I have a special needs son at home and don't like leaving him alone that long. I know that is one of the spots he got to me on..he and my son got along very well! But I also know I don't want to spend my life with a alcoholic either....I guess maybe I'm just trying to hard to make this work...and it has to be both ways...I keep telling myself these things but it's still hard. One question...do I talk to him and tell him my feelings or just stay away and not get sucked back in? Thanks for listening!

cwohio

maggie - sorry you can't get to al-anon. have you had the heart-to-heart with your AH before? if he's heard it once then there is no use repeating it again. what does your gut tell you? it took me a long time to trust my gut feelings - they are usually on the mark tho. the disease is progressive and will get worse. it's a hard pill to swallow, but take care of yourself and son first and foremost!

Cynay

Well... that depends.

What is it you want to do?

For me... my choice was to completely cut the communication. I changed my phone number, and refused contact. My reason for that is because I had listened to his lies for so long, I started to believe some... he would yo yo me all the time.... I was at the point that I refused to be sucked back in..... and there is NO ONE who could do it like an active A. This was my decision for me, I did not need to tell him because he had no voice in the matter... my decision for my sanity.

You know what, we have been broke up since last Dec and I have had no contact since May. In that time of taking the focus off him, puting it where it belongs on me and my daughter.... I have done more in the last year, then I did the whole time knowing him. I have met a wonderful man that treats me like a queen, My daughter has a whole new respect for me and we are getting along great (remember she is 16 *sighs)

Life is SO much better, I know you have to walk through the pain.... but its worth it.

There are online meetings, and I know you dont like to leave your son with a sitter... but honestly my feelings on that are.... Im a MUCH better mom when Im taking care of me first.

maggie1958

Cynay, CWOhio, Thanks...and yes I have told him how I feel...that I cannot and will deal with the drinking...period! I do care about him...and in some ways I still love him...but that love is not what it once was already. I think you are both right, what is the point in talking to him...I already have and it didn't make a difference...maybe right then to keep me there but not for long. I know the best thing for me to do is just not talk to him. I don't want that yo-yo again...and yes I have been there. My son is very important to me and I have to have a solid life for him too...and I can see that this is never going to be. I didn't realize in the beginning that because he told me he was a Alcholic but had stopped...I just assumed that was the end of it...I didn't know it was a back and forth struggle forever, I am realizing that now. I am listening to all of you...reading and listening...and yes I do some online meetings and that has been a great help to me too.
I do want to take care of me and my son. I keep thinking maybe I just wanted someone special in my life too much, maybe that is why I am having such a hard time letting go. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

maggie1958

Cynay, CWOhio, Thanks...and yes I have told him how I feel...that I cannot and will deal with the drinking...period! I do care about him...and in some ways I still love him...but that love is not what it once was already. I think you are both right, what is the point in talking to him...I already have and it didn't make a difference...maybe right then to keep me there but not for long. I know the best thing for me to do is just not talk to him. I don't want that yo-yo again...and yes I have been there. My son is very important to me and I have to have a solid life for him too...and I can see that this is never going to be. I didn't realize in the beginning that because he told me he was a Alcholic but had stopped...I just assumed that was the end of it...I didn't know it was a back and forth struggle forever, I am realizing that now. I am listening to all of you...reading and listening...and yes I do some online meetings and that has been a great help to me too.
I do want to take care of me and my son. I keep thinking maybe I just wanted someone special in my life too much, maybe that is why I am having such a hard time letting go. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

Cynay

Praying for a hon.

Keep coming back and posting... especially when you think you want to talk to him. It gets easier in time.

cwohio

will do maggie - i know before i was in recovery i kept saying the same thing over and over - thinking that at some point in time he'd "get it"! nope - that's not how it works. he won't get it until he is willing to surrender. mine couldn't surrendeer and ended up dying. keep coming back and posting - we'll be here!

maggie1958

Cynay and cwohio, Thanks for being there, it does help having you to talk to when I want to talk to him. I really know the best thing is to end this now. I just need strenght and prayer to do that. Thank you for that! And like you I kept hoping he would "get it" and we could be great for each other...I just need to get out of this dream world...I'm too old for fairy tales!

cwohio

i read over and over on this site that you will know when it's time to end it and you will. fairy tales - yeah - i can relate! just take a deep breath and be gentle with yourself. he obviously knows your boundaries - just hang on to them.

maggie1958

I'm hanging on so far...it's hard but I'm hanging in there...and I will say it easier this time than it has been befoe....thanks to all of you! I have someone to vent to and that does help. I am a survivor...I will survive...I keep telling myself that...I've been divorced since 91'...he was a pot head and drunk...never admitted he had a problem...and he always liked other women...since then I have raised 3 kids...2 have turned out great! one that stuggles with depression and all the things that go with that. Everyone says I look young for my age and concider me attractive and I have a friendly personality...so why can't I find someone normal???

maggie1958

He just called to tell me he is back...said he was busy...he says he went over there to work. I talked to him for a few minutes...he just acted like everything was fine. I don't have caller ID...so I didn't know it was him calling when I answered. I am really struggling right now.

Daffodil

Maggie, have you considered what and/or who you may be giving up while you are waiting for him to come around?

Prayers for you going up.

maggie1958

I sent him a email this morning and told him I needed some time to think and was tired of his selfishness. I also told him I could not deal with his drinking. I told him I could not keep going with things the way they are...always his way. I told him I could not let drinking control my life too. I said more and in a nicer way I guess but I did finally tell him how I feel...should have a long time ago. I did tell him I don't think we should see each other right now. So now I will see if he repsonds...and how....just keep me in your thoughts and prayers

chrisea

It is hard to let go. sometimes it just gets to the point, that I didn't Want him to reply to Anything... I don't have caller id either, but an answering mach is cheap and very effective. On my cell phone, I have any # he calls from, so that gets displayed. As far as Online, can you start another nickname on the im program. I know, when I did that, I sometimes had 2 or more, so when you are bugged you go to another one. Or you can do, like someone did to me, once I got on, they got off. That's probably because he shared this im with family and friends, didn't want to leave it... But eventually, I got the message and quit going there. Besides he was a few hrs away, so we weren't going to meet again, anyways. my xabf has recently been admitted to hosp, it's not that I don't care... It's just that, most likely he will start again, when he is discharged... And I can't do anything about that, anyways. take care and do something for yourself