Lost, afraid, and alone!
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
I want to thank all of you for caring so much! I'm trying to work through some things today.
Thank you Christie and Gianna for the offer to call you! All this kindness has me in tears.
(((everyone)))
Thank you Christie and Gianna for the offer to call you! All this kindness has me in tears.
(((everyone)))
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Lost, Afraid and Alone...You're not lost. You had the good sense to come here for support. Afraid...you're human and we're entitled to emotions, no matter what they might be. And Alone...not here. You're doing so well with everything happening. You recognize what's happening and are aware of your thoughts and feelings, and I think it's probably normal to question our own progress in recovery. I know I do. But take a moment and look back over the past couple of months and see how you've grown.
Blessings
Blessings
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Savana, I am so sorry that you feel so terrible right now. I CARE. I have been reading your posts for awhile now and you are strong sweetheart. You may remember that I too am single, live alone, have no children. I get lonely, really lonely sometimes. I'd like to make a few of suggestions that have helped me.
1. Exercise, no matter what is it (yoga helps my asthma).
2. Going someplace free, like the library or a book store to browse or walking a mall and window shopping or people watching.
3. Reading...Books that have helped....including books recommended here and "the power of positive thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale is fantastic. It's helped me through some terrible times. Helped me develop confidence to do many things in life. And biographies of inspiring people like Lance Armstong. Reminds me I want to read that book of Tatum O'neal.
Sweetheart please know we all care. And God does love you!! Read the "POPT" please.
hugs, sketscher
1. Exercise, no matter what is it (yoga helps my asthma).
2. Going someplace free, like the library or a book store to browse or walking a mall and window shopping or people watching.
3. Reading...Books that have helped....including books recommended here and "the power of positive thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale is fantastic. It's helped me through some terrible times. Helped me develop confidence to do many things in life. And biographies of inspiring people like Lance Armstong. Reminds me I want to read that book of Tatum O'neal.
Sweetheart please know we all care. And God does love you!! Read the "POPT" please.
hugs, sketscher
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I typed this this morning when SR was doing a switch of some sort and I saved it....
Savannah...the estrangement from your family is horrible. I have been there and I have cried like a 3 year old when I was over 40. It feels good at the time but you can't stay there. These moods usually only last a few days and when the clouds part the problems are still there.
This life is not without problems. If it wasn't this thing it would be something else. About all any of us can do is put one foot in front of the other be our own best friend...as your sig says.
To be honest there is no one alive that can meet all of my needs...not Ward, not my son, not my family or friends...it is up to me to do that. I have spent plenty of holidays feeling sorry for myself and then I got smarter about it. I made plans...something I wanted to do. I had been disappointed for the last time. They could join me or stay home...hell, I made my own reservations for my 50th birthday! Ward came along.
Mother's Day when my son was homeless and I was estranged from my own mother was spent in a restaurant that I always wanted to go to. You can dread the day or you can make plans...selfish, self-indulgent plans. You could even plan some sad movies and a good cry but at least you will have your own power back. It will be your day. Your plans.
Right now you are giving your power away. That's no way to live.
(((Hugs)))
Savannah...the estrangement from your family is horrible. I have been there and I have cried like a 3 year old when I was over 40. It feels good at the time but you can't stay there. These moods usually only last a few days and when the clouds part the problems are still there.
This life is not without problems. If it wasn't this thing it would be something else. About all any of us can do is put one foot in front of the other be our own best friend...as your sig says.
To be honest there is no one alive that can meet all of my needs...not Ward, not my son, not my family or friends...it is up to me to do that. I have spent plenty of holidays feeling sorry for myself and then I got smarter about it. I made plans...something I wanted to do. I had been disappointed for the last time. They could join me or stay home...hell, I made my own reservations for my 50th birthday! Ward came along.
Mother's Day when my son was homeless and I was estranged from my own mother was spent in a restaurant that I always wanted to go to. You can dread the day or you can make plans...selfish, self-indulgent plans. You could even plan some sad movies and a good cry but at least you will have your own power back. It will be your day. Your plans.
Right now you are giving your power away. That's no way to live.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
savana,if you need to talk pm me and i will get your number and call you.anytime. so many of us here,know exactly what you are feeling. i think that many of us here,have been thru so much more than many other people,not just with the a's in our lives,but thru our lives in general. you look around and see people who seem happy,seem wealthy,seem to lead normal lives....and you wonder why does all the crap come to you???? there have been times when i have thought that i am being punished...for whatever reasons....then i think,well how many damn times do i have to pay??? now,im older and its even worse.i got maybe twenty,twenty five good years left,am i ever gonna have the life i deserve and want? and its not as simple as being optimistic,not as simple as choosing different people,not as simple as praying. many nights i felt like you.....thinking i am just too damn tired...i dont want to wake up.
but ya got to go on. ya got to have some kind of faith. ya got to look to the simple things-ya got to know that in an hour, a day, a few days you just might feel encouraged again,ya might even feel happy again, and so,it shall pass. ya got to look at the ying in the yang. recoginize what was bad---and see some good that did come out of it. i still miss my ex. i think i still love my ex. i dont know why.i just do. last year, i know in reality i went back with him in november--only because of the upcoming holidays--by the end of january i was miserable again. this year he will spend them with his new girlfriend,and i will spend them alone. i have my kids,but it doesnt fill the void over the entire time.and i know that it may not be him i miss, just the intimacy with a male.............. another one here not looking forward to it.
i dont know if talking to my ex would make me feel better or worse. i got an im from him a couple weeks ago saying he got some pics i sent and he was in a hurry. said he would talk to me later. asked me if i could see him on the buddy list---told him to quit saying that cuz he never does (talk to me later),and didnt know if i could see him on the list cuz i took him off a long time ago when i gave up on it. havent heard from him since,but have since put him back on the list and saw he was on the computer every nite last week for the first time in months. though i didnt contact him,or talk to him--havent run into him in over a month....getting that im and seeing him not hiding on the computer and/or just being there,for some reason,comforted me. i have no clue why.
and though i say i still love him, i know in my heart we dont belong together in a relationship. its not just his drinking.its our differences. i think i have come to terms recently about that and that its ok to still care,its ok to miss him,and its ok to wish he would just reach out to me with something,anything.....as long as i keep everything in perspective.i would like nothing more than to erase him and the hurt from my memory, or to be able to say "fu** you" and truly mean it and walk away. but the truth is,if he reached out to me,i dont know i could do that. i can only hope to make the best of my life as it is right now, and if any changes throw me--to keep the persepective that lifes lessons are constantly teaching me. which, i have to believe...people like us are the "chosen" people.....not BY our hp, but FOR our hp.
please,as i said...if you want to give me your number, i will keep in touch with you--YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
but ya got to go on. ya got to have some kind of faith. ya got to look to the simple things-ya got to know that in an hour, a day, a few days you just might feel encouraged again,ya might even feel happy again, and so,it shall pass. ya got to look at the ying in the yang. recoginize what was bad---and see some good that did come out of it. i still miss my ex. i think i still love my ex. i dont know why.i just do. last year, i know in reality i went back with him in november--only because of the upcoming holidays--by the end of january i was miserable again. this year he will spend them with his new girlfriend,and i will spend them alone. i have my kids,but it doesnt fill the void over the entire time.and i know that it may not be him i miss, just the intimacy with a male.............. another one here not looking forward to it.
i dont know if talking to my ex would make me feel better or worse. i got an im from him a couple weeks ago saying he got some pics i sent and he was in a hurry. said he would talk to me later. asked me if i could see him on the buddy list---told him to quit saying that cuz he never does (talk to me later),and didnt know if i could see him on the list cuz i took him off a long time ago when i gave up on it. havent heard from him since,but have since put him back on the list and saw he was on the computer every nite last week for the first time in months. though i didnt contact him,or talk to him--havent run into him in over a month....getting that im and seeing him not hiding on the computer and/or just being there,for some reason,comforted me. i have no clue why.
and though i say i still love him, i know in my heart we dont belong together in a relationship. its not just his drinking.its our differences. i think i have come to terms recently about that and that its ok to still care,its ok to miss him,and its ok to wish he would just reach out to me with something,anything.....as long as i keep everything in perspective.i would like nothing more than to erase him and the hurt from my memory, or to be able to say "fu** you" and truly mean it and walk away. but the truth is,if he reached out to me,i dont know i could do that. i can only hope to make the best of my life as it is right now, and if any changes throw me--to keep the persepective that lifes lessons are constantly teaching me. which, i have to believe...people like us are the "chosen" people.....not BY our hp, but FOR our hp.
please,as i said...if you want to give me your number, i will keep in touch with you--YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Savana,
You know what I was doing last Christmas? "Babysitting" my xabf because he was drunk off of his butt.
Nothing has changed. You're used to him and his ways, but that's settling. You're SO much better than that. Remember how mad and disgusted you were at him for the porn stuff? He's still the same guy AND he won't give the drinking up.
Why go back to that when you could do as was suggested above? VOlunteer, meet singles in church, join a bowling league......anything. I understand the not trusting people. Are you still seeing your therapist?
It's not gonna happen overnight, but believe it or not,........you're getting somewhere. Not all of this has been in vain. If you got together for the holidays, you'd both be using each other and then feeling like crap afterwards.
Just keep breathing. Taking one step in front of the other and trusting God.
AND, chatting with us cuz we love you!!!
((hugs))
You know what I was doing last Christmas? "Babysitting" my xabf because he was drunk off of his butt.
Nothing has changed. You're used to him and his ways, but that's settling. You're SO much better than that. Remember how mad and disgusted you were at him for the porn stuff? He's still the same guy AND he won't give the drinking up.
Why go back to that when you could do as was suggested above? VOlunteer, meet singles in church, join a bowling league......anything. I understand the not trusting people. Are you still seeing your therapist?
It's not gonna happen overnight, but believe it or not,........you're getting somewhere. Not all of this has been in vain. If you got together for the holidays, you'd both be using each other and then feeling like crap afterwards.
Just keep breathing. Taking one step in front of the other and trusting God.
AND, chatting with us cuz we love you!!!
((hugs))
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Awwwww!!!!! I absolutely love you all here!! I wish I could have each and every one of you here, closer to me!! I know I can find the same caring and love within Al-Anon, I just got to get past the trusting part. I've lost trust in people as a child, now as an adult I don't trust. The icing on the cake was when I lost custody to a totally unfit, alcoholic, dry drunk, abuser!!! Thats when I said **** it!! If the courts can't protect my child, then there is truly no hope for trust or loyalty in this world.
I don't know if I can learn to trust, I'm afraid thats one of the things I will have a HUGE problem overcoming.
I reached out today to my counselor, I even called my old counselor from eight years ago. I keep running into him. Back in 2001 when I was just starting that awful custody battle I ran into him in the parking lot of the office building we worked at, it turns out he worked in the same building, and had moved to the same city as I did. Then I ran into him at the store about a month ago, and I asked him if he would call my counselor and fill her in about my past problems and what we attempted to work on back in 1997. He's a great guy and I feel I really had grown from my counseling with him.So him and my new counselor have talked, and they came up with some goals for me.
Again thank you all!!!
Hugs,
Savana
I don't know if I can learn to trust, I'm afraid thats one of the things I will have a HUGE problem overcoming.
I reached out today to my counselor, I even called my old counselor from eight years ago. I keep running into him. Back in 2001 when I was just starting that awful custody battle I ran into him in the parking lot of the office building we worked at, it turns out he worked in the same building, and had moved to the same city as I did. Then I ran into him at the store about a month ago, and I asked him if he would call my counselor and fill her in about my past problems and what we attempted to work on back in 1997. He's a great guy and I feel I really had grown from my counseling with him.So him and my new counselor have talked, and they came up with some goals for me.
Again thank you all!!!
Hugs,
Savana
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Thanks for asking GF!
Well, I'm still in a funk, and my AC adaptor literally blew up, started smoking and sparking.
So the last time I was online was Wednesday night. Dell actually sent me a new adaptor and my pc isn't even under warranty anymore. I got sooo lucky, as I wouldn't have been able to buy a new one, thus no online access. But the DHL guy just delivered this brand new one today; they over nighted it and here I am back online again!! YEAH!!
I was so stressed yesterday, as when I checked my vm messages I had two messages from each of the landlords, very snotty and asking me were the other portion of my rent was; nice way to start the day.
So I'm really feeling the effects and anxiety of not having a job right now, and visions of me becoming homeless with three guinea pigs and a dog keep running through my head if I don't find a job soon. What really frightens me, is if I did have to leave my apartment for not being able to pay my rent, I have no family or friends to even stay with. I keep thinking about that, and stressing myself out more.
HELP!! I need you guys to help me calm down and sort through things in a more calm matter, as I'm really obsessing over losing everything I own.
Well, I'm still in a funk, and my AC adaptor literally blew up, started smoking and sparking.
So the last time I was online was Wednesday night. Dell actually sent me a new adaptor and my pc isn't even under warranty anymore. I got sooo lucky, as I wouldn't have been able to buy a new one, thus no online access. But the DHL guy just delivered this brand new one today; they over nighted it and here I am back online again!! YEAH!! I was so stressed yesterday, as when I checked my vm messages I had two messages from each of the landlords, very snotty and asking me were the other portion of my rent was; nice way to start the day.
So I'm really feeling the effects and anxiety of not having a job right now, and visions of me becoming homeless with three guinea pigs and a dog keep running through my head if I don't find a job soon. What really frightens me, is if I did have to leave my apartment for not being able to pay my rent, I have no family or friends to even stay with. I keep thinking about that, and stressing myself out more.
HELP!! I need you guys to help me calm down and sort through things in a more calm matter, as I'm really obsessing over losing everything I own.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
I heard in Al anon about IBM - Itty bitty miracles. Look at the adaptor as one of those.
Re job. How about a temp employment agency. I've used them in the past. And often it leads to a perminant job.
Re job. How about a temp employment agency. I've used them in the past. And often it leads to a perminant job.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Savana -
Big hug...big deep breath..It's one day at a time..Can you rent a room from someone or get a roommate? I know it's not the ideal situation but it would at least share in the expenses..
I've done the temp thing many times as well to pay the bills...
Reach out to those wonderful Alanon people..you know how much they like to help! I've seen a few women in my home group walk through the same stuff you are going though..Your HP will see you through..
Been there about spending the holidays alone..Today I'm ok with it..About 3 years ago my exABF and I broke up (for the first time) 2 weeks before Christmas..I didn't make alternative plans and spend Christmas crying on the couch..got through it though..
This year the new beau and his family are out of town and I'm PLANNING on spending Xmas alone..actually looking forward to it..probably rent some movies, eat some Chinese food..I know I have places I could go..I could volunteer or whatever..but it's just another day..
Hang in there..You know we are here for you..
Big hug...big deep breath..It's one day at a time..Can you rent a room from someone or get a roommate? I know it's not the ideal situation but it would at least share in the expenses..
I've done the temp thing many times as well to pay the bills...
Reach out to those wonderful Alanon people..you know how much they like to help! I've seen a few women in my home group walk through the same stuff you are going though..Your HP will see you through..
Been there about spending the holidays alone..Today I'm ok with it..About 3 years ago my exABF and I broke up (for the first time) 2 weeks before Christmas..I didn't make alternative plans and spend Christmas crying on the couch..got through it though..
This year the new beau and his family are out of town and I'm PLANNING on spending Xmas alone..actually looking forward to it..probably rent some movies, eat some Chinese food..I know I have places I could go..I could volunteer or whatever..but it's just another day..
Hang in there..You know we are here for you..
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Thanks brdlver and minx! 
Re: the temp. agencies; it seems that I haven't had very good luck with them in the past. I could never type fast enough therefore didn't get a lot of call backs. I have a lot of office/clerical experience, just that speed wasn't an issue in those jobs; accuracy was more important.
Minx-hearing that you're spending xmas alone makes me feel as though it's not such a bad thing, in the way that you've described it. I'll just have to wait and see...
Re: the temp. agencies; it seems that I haven't had very good luck with them in the past. I could never type fast enough therefore didn't get a lot of call backs. I have a lot of office/clerical experience, just that speed wasn't an issue in those jobs; accuracy was more important.
Minx-hearing that you're spending xmas alone makes me feel as though it's not such a bad thing, in the way that you've described it. I'll just have to wait and see...
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