Savana 54

I talked to exabf tonight. I think I'm just kidding myself in my recovery, as I'm not as far along as I had thought. It seems that talking to him brings a mixed bag of feelings for me. Part of me misses him, and the other part of me realizes that he will never change, as he just keeps quacking and lying about how great his life is. Sometimes I have thoughts of going back to him because I was able to make it financially and I'm lonely.

He said he was coming into town around Thanksgiving, and then driving up to his Mom's house. He said he wanted to see me, and talked about how he really missed the well lets just say the "intimate" moments with me. I know what is on his mind. This will be the second Thanksgiving I have spent alone, and now the first Christmas I will be alone. I have no family or close friends. Part of me is tempted to want to spend time with him, but yet the other part of me knows better. Sometimes I think what does it matter? I have no one in my life anyway, and of course I still love him very much. At least he still cares about me, and misses me. I can't say that about anyone else in my life. My own family could care less about me, my dad won't even talk to me because a few years ago I told him I was walking out of his life because of the verbally and mentally abusive way he was treating me. A year after I left, I tried to call him and he disconnected his number; I also tried to send him an email and it was returned to me because he blocked my email address.

I'm so afraid for the holidays to come, I don't know how I'm going to get through them; I honestly don't. If I had some supportive people in my life I may be able to, but I'm unable to let anyone into my life, as I don't trust anyone. I don't think I'm making any progress, I'm just pushing people away and isolating myself. Who do I think I am, saying that I'm doing so well, when really I'm just so afraid of life and living healthy. Just because I moved away from him, and got out of the bad relationship we had, doesn't make me "strong."

So far I've gotten myself into a rather sticky situation with my perverted landlord, I'm going into debt, missing my exabf, and just recently quit my job today. I can't even describe the words that I feel for my son...I can't let my mind go there, it hurts way to much, the guilt that I feel for knowing that my son is growing up just the way I did....... WOW!! I've made SO much progress.........NOT!!!

You know I'm about ready to say **** this and just live the way I used to. I haven't had a very good life from the time I was a child--I lived in an abusive home with abusive parents, went straight into abusive relationships and codependent realationships when I was old enough to date, had a child with a man that was abusive, and eleven years later he obtained custody of his "victim," lost my mom when I was 21, haven't spoken to my dad or sister in almost three years...GOD!! how much can one person be put through?? I can't accept the things that have happened in my life, especially the part about my son. He means so, so, so much to me. I would die for him, and I can't even speak to him or see him.

I don't know how to get out of this rut...I may be well on my way to going back to all that I know...I'm so lost, and so depressed, afraid, and alone.

I'm sorry for throwing all this out there...I'm just hurting so badly.

I've prayed, and prayed, and prayed, but I get no answers or guidance. Has God forgotten about me too??

FaithChaser

((((Savana)))),

I'm sorry you are in soooo much pain. Don't be sorry for putting this out there, I realize my words mean so very little when it hurts this badly. I know what you mean about feeling that you are not as far along as you thought in your recovery, one day I'm on top of the world and the next, I'm thinking about jumping off a cliff...literally... When we are learning, we take 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I felt the same way today. I got in my car and drove around for an hour and a half and screamed at God asked him why he hated me so much?! Am I such a horrible person?!Why am I in pain?! I understand abuse, as a child there was more than one time I had to lie about the black eyes, etc. I thought I'd forgiven all of this yet at times it comes back.

When I was driving, I kept going back to other times I'd felt the same way. Different problems, but all of them, even now are just temporary problems. My face is swollen from crying, but I had to let out a lot of pain tonight, and that's alright. God has not forgotten any of us. Remember growing hurts sometimes.
I gave my issues with the AH to God, but now lots of old stuff is coming up. Issues with my family, problems with this and that, finances UGH! Seems he wants all of my issues huh? Maybe it isn't that he's forgotten us, but rather that he is trying to get our attention? I dunno... I do know however that when people pray in numbers they get those prayers answered so I'm saying one for you right now.

Huge hugs,
~FaithChaser

bikewench

Savana...

I really believe that God never forgets about us... but.. he just isn't codependant... ;o)


I know that things look pretty bleak...
but.. trust me...
things could be as bleak or bleaker if you go back to what was before...


I know what it's like to shut people out...
push them away ...
more like... drive them away ...

but... I have to admit to myself that it's still me causing shyte for me...

in all my difficulties... I generally have a huge hand in stirring the pot..

so.. I have to try to switch that to my benefit to bring about positive change in my life...

let us help you figure out better solutions to your dilema's Savana...
there's always a way...

praying for you gurl..

prodigal

my ex-AH and I even got back together (yeah, right) because we both didn't want to be alone for the holidays back in 2000. He was using me for companionship, even though he didn't give a rat's ass about me (he was surfing the 'net on singles sites for his "soul-mate" which I found out by accident over Thanksgiving weekend), and I was using him for a body - ANY body - to be around for the holidays. Believe me, it really sucked in hindsight. I spent the holidays slaving over a stove and doing all the work to "deck the halls" while he went to Christmas parties with his "A-list" friends who were too good for me to be around!

Suggestion: volunteer to help feed the homeless, if you have two cents to rub together (or live in a nearby state) go help the homeless from two catastrophic hurricanes. Get out there and help those who are worse off than you. Believe me, you'll feel better about yourself and feel far more fulfilled without the ex!

Wish I had taken my own advise way back in 2000!

CodeMaster

I'm kinda of in the same boat as far as no family or friends around here to do much with even over holidays. I was thinking of going to CODA or AlAnon and hope to meet someone who'd take me in for thanksgiving. Or maybe go to AA with my neighbor who always goes every Friday. Dont think of it as a play place to meet friends, but I think since I am suppose to go to CODA meetings anyways as instructed by my therapist, I bet I could find some new friends in there...

sadface

Savana, while reading your post, I felt like I wrote it. My AH and I also separated before the holidays last year.There are days when I cry and wonder what I ever did to deserve the life I have. I also grew up in an abusive environment when I was young, and it made me feel worthless. My crying usually lasts a day or two, and when i do this my 14 year old son usually sits by my side and cries with me. I know it hurts him to see me like that. About a month ago, a co-worker of mine passed away. She died from alcohol poison or committed suicide, it is unknown. I did not know she was an alcoholic. I felt so bad because we worked together for 4 years. We went out for lunch together or after work a few times. She was very nice and listened to my problems. I went to her funeral and saw how much she was loved and how her children cried. I felt she gave up. There are times when I want to give up, but then i think about her. I don't want to continue hurting, so I think it is time I let go of my past. Maybe my AH doesn't love me the way I want him too, but maybe it is time I love myself the way I want him to. I read somewhere that you live the life you create. I believe that. If we don't let go of the heartaches, the pain, we will always feel it. Several years ago at work, this woman came looking for abf, who was living with another women. She trembled and cried with so much pain. She said she needed him because he made her happy. I looked at her and asked her if he made her happy why was she feeling this pain. It was so easy for me to see it clearly then, until it happened to me. Don't give up. You can still love your AH but you don't have to live his life. If we love them, all we can do is hope and pray to God to help them. I remember hearing a man say in a meeting how he felt he was saved, because of all the praying his family did for him. I really believe my AH loves me, but the alcohol has consumed him. As for you look around, let people into your world. I hope one day to hear you post about how your (our) life has changed for the better.

Savana 54

I cried while reading all your posts...thanks for listening.

Code-I thought about doing that, but I know I will just close up and refuse anyone's help or kindness.

I don't know how much longer I can hang on; I feel so helpless and my mind is just so clouded with pain and loss. I don't think all of the love in the world from anyone could help me today.

When I talk to exabf, it makes me so sad that he wants so badly to have what we "used" to have back when he was sober, but he said flat out he's not ready to stop drinking. I know in my heart it is his disease that has taken him away from me, I had my doubts awhile back, but now I know. Tonight I actually listened to him talk, and was kind and understanding to him when he talked about his Grandma being in a coma. I could hear the pain in his voice, as he said "I miss you, and I'm sorry." Why dear lord can't he stop the drinking...?? I know why, because he's an alcoholic, and for that it gives me a little more compassion for him at least for today. But still, it seems so cruel how this disease takes hostages and keeps them away forever from the people that they love and love them back.

Sometimes I go to bed hoping I don't wake up. No, I'm not suicidal, just wish I didn't have to live in this uncaring world.

reader

Hi Savana, I know your really struggling right now. We need to have some hope that our lives will improve. I understand the fear that creeps up around the holidays. Years ago when I kicked out my ex-boyfriend. The first holiday alone was a tough one. I just had to hang tough because I knew I deserved better. I have no family around and only a couple good friends, so I understand about loneliness. You have been working so hard to improve your life, don't downplay your accomplishments. You moved to a strange place and started over. I admire that. You have dealt with bs from a prevert landlord. The bottom line is that you are a strong woman. Look what you have survived so far. All I can suggest is look toward the future not back from where you came. You have alot to be proud of. Things will get better, the only place to go is up. I am worried about u Savana, keep posting! With Love, Kerry

cwohio

((savanah)) - you HAVE made progress and are experiencing some of those bumps in the road of recovery. those above have shared some good ESH! please know that i will also say a prayer for you! i feel that being by myself right now is God's way of letting me know to put the focus back on Him and myself.

equus

Now I've read this I feel sorry for having avoided it, I was feeling crappy so thought I would be as much use as a chocolate teapot (still might be!!).

Reading your post there's so much I can relate to - especially having parents who should have read the guide book first! Not to mention christmas's I've felt like poo, functioning but poo! Last of all being trapped living somewhere that truly honks but the alternative being to return home tail between legs (live in groom at some dreadful places).

I also would sometimes wonder how so much derranged rubbish could enter my little life - or get left with a feeling 'What did I do wrong?'. I know how strong that feeling can be especially when the TV is full of cosey wosey Chrimbo adds.

Now in my work I get a picture of scale, some 16 yr olds have lived through more pain than I hope I ever will, reading your post too - although I could relate to lots I've never had a child and to be parted from your boy is more than I've had to deal with.

BUT I've also learned something else and I think it's the most important thing to me now. I learned that just as life can conspire to throw truly unlikely crap at a person it can also conspire to throw equally unlikely good things - and there's just no telling which tomorrow holds. Losing hope is senseless because hope is in reality bigger than we imagine - good things can happen that we never imagined, and never would have imagined.

I don't think we are without influence in our futures - just that we don't control everything and shouldn't look to blame ourselves for everything. I like to think of it now as a play or a script - I am responsible JUST for writing what my character says and does - who they are. Whatever the situation all I have to do is decide how my character will react, how I want them to behave, who I want to be in the play.

You share loads of good stuff here and have helped me today with being so honest - I like your character!!

pmaslan

Savana
It breaks my heart to hear the pain that you are in. It seems that you have resigned yourself to the fact that your family is out of your life. I think you keep going back to the idea of your ex because he "appears" to be the most attainable. On the surface that may be true, but look at the bigger picture. Nothing has changed with him. If he comes back it is only a matter of time before you are miserable again. What brought you here to SR in the first place? If nothing has changed you will be back to square one again in no time. I know you are lonely. You have a lot of people to grieve and miss, but taking your ex back is most certainly 100 steps back for you. Please re-think this. You have been ill and unhappy with your job it is no wonder you are feeling so down (((Savana)))

reader

Gianna, I love the footprints in the sand poem. Its one of my favorites. Savana, i hope it helps you. I glad to be reminded that God is there to hear and help us in our time of need. Thanks for posting it! Kerry

elizabeth1979

I know how you feel and its tough. I was SO there on my birthday when I had recently separated from the boyfriend. None of my so called friends seemed to really care that it was my birthday and my family...well lets say they were not what I had hoped for.
I felt miserable. I missed my boyfriend terribly, cried all the time, was put on medication, just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.
I think I know how you feel.
I truly felt like no one gave a damn about me and I was all alone.

So, what did I do?
I got back together with the alcoholic boyfriend bc I was lonely.
What changed?
Nothing.
He still drinks.
He still lies
I am still lonely.

Nothing changed except I realized that I can not make myself happy with a warm body who cant be there for me bc he is there for himself.

I love him yes. Do I honestly think I am wasting my time? Yes I do.

I am not ready to leave him for good. Although in the middle of all the crap and emotions I have, I know I was more healthy without him than I am now.

Keep your head up. Feel better. Make a giant Thanksgiving dinner and eat as much as you want! Or make only your favorite dishes and screw tradition. Cooking is not your thing you say? Eat pizza for thanksgiving.
Do something that you want to do on that day.
"There aint no need to cry, I took a vow that from now on, Im gonna be my own best friend".

Sarah Elizabeth

bikewench

whoahhh... !!

Cynay

Ahhh sweets.... Someone told me once not to trust the feelings, they change all the time. Trust what you know to be true.

I know very well how you feel, it was last year that I was going through all of the breakups with my ex-abf.... 2 weeks before X-mas I was moving, my daughter was leaving to see her father and I felt completely issoliated and alone and cried the whole holiday through New Years.... I so wanted him back then, but I knew even then that nothing had changed, that he would only continue to hurt me more.

Baby... start looking at you, what you can do for others, how to get outside of yourself... its your void your trying to fix, its your void that hurts so much... it really is not him.

I also agree it would probably be better for you to stop that contact, seeing him is not going to help at all, it will only hurt more then next time.... and there is always a next time with an Active A... and it gets worse every single time.

Im praying for you... cuz I know that pain and hurt ... just keep one step in front of the other hon.

*HUGS*

AstridPearl

Sav....

I know you feel incredibly alone right now, and that almost anything (including your xabf) seems preferable to the way that you feel right now. I am going through a divorce myself and sometimes I feel so lonely that I get so close to calling the AH and asking him to come back. The truth is though that I realize that I felt even MORE alone with him there (because he continually hurt me and lied to me) than I do now.

I tend to isolate... but have been trying to open myself up a little more. Have you considered.... AlAnon meetings? Church (or something comprable)? I know others have mentioned volunteering... Maybe taking a class in something good for your mind and spirit (like yoga, or dance). In situations like these you will meet others, and develop friendships over time. You just have to put yourself out there.

I know the holidays are hard, I am dreading them myself... But at the very least you have your SR friends to help you through. I am so sorry for your pain, you are in my prayers.

Savana 54

Thanks for the replies. I tried to call my counselor to get an appointment, and she is booked two weeks out I can't wait that long. I have no support at all, what am I going to do? I feel so hopeless... I know that you all gave me some wonderful input, but at this point I can't even comprehend it.

Jazzman

Savana - You have friends here! You are NOT alone! Get online and stay online! Open a chat, stay with us! Damn IT I feel so helpless!!! Get on the phone! Talk to a friend! Have you swapped phone numbers with anyone here!?!?!?! Someone call her!!!!!

Aquiana

The whole world isn't uncaring and it takes people like you in it to keep it that way. I hope you realize how proud of yourself you should be. You've had the strength to endure things that would crumble many people. That is an amazing gift. Is there anything at all today that could cheer you up? Even something small? I know for me sometimes I feel like it's the end for me and it's something as simple as watching some corny movie I used to love as a kid and laughing at how bad it was. Today it was just going outside in the sun and realizing what a beautiful day it was. I hope you find something, you deserve it.

cwohio

savanah - call me if you want - i'll PM you my phone number!