Red Flags
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Dazed, of course I have been in relationships where there has been things on that list occurring, from both sides. That's why I'm here.
But yes, I can still say (having read it again) that I don't have anything on that list going on. I am not perfect, it just so happens that the stuff I have issues with aren't on the list.
Just out of interest, which ones do you think are acceptable in yourself or a partner?
But yes, I can still say (having read it again) that I don't have anything on that list going on. I am not perfect, it just so happens that the stuff I have issues with aren't on the list.
Just out of interest, which ones do you think are acceptable in yourself or a partner?
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Guilty of one
But in my own defense, if I were a 12 stepper I would be refered to as a "double winner".
Plus there are things that aren't on that list,(and I'm not tellin) Sooooo.... far be it from me to blow my own horn! LOL!!!
This is an excellent list that I will be checking against as well
8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past.
Plus there are things that aren't on that list,(and I'm not tellin) Sooooo.... far be it from me to blow my own horn! LOL!!!
This is an excellent list that I will be checking against as well
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ft. bend texas
Posts: 179
Holy ****. Who in the hell can live up to all of those standards? I've never known a person in my life that wasn't guilty of at least 2 things out of those 100 listed. I know I'd never date the person that made that list. LOL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 92
I am copying and pasting the ones that are significant to me and want to reread:
8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past. Addicts usually replace one addiction with another, if they ever leave on addiction behind at all. Alcohol today, porn tomorrow.
17. He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.
30. Even though he will denigrate them on the one hand, on the other hand, he holds his previous girlfriend(s) up as impossible standards for you to live up to.
31. He seems like "a challenge", or a "diamond in the rough".
33. He warns you about his previous bad behavior, and indicates that he is "working" on it, but is not "healed" yet. He implies that maybe only YOU can really understand and help him overcome his past, but he's not sure. This leaves him an "out" (an "I WARNED you" option) when he DOES act out again.
35. He has no friends of the opposite sex. ( I have to change this to: has LOTS of hot female friends who are really flirty~because he is a "player" and/or was hooking them up with drugs)
34. He never apologizes, or he apologizes, but in an oily way that implies that he won't make a committment to not do it again, or in some way implies that YOU were the cause of the bad behavior - that you "triggered" him or "pushed his dysfunctional buttons".
44. He does something REALLY hurtful or inconsiderate and when you get upset, makes a comment like, "I'm not responsible for your feelings". He refuses to do anything in the way of reparation, and invalidates your feelings. He acts cold and callous, or condescending implying that you are overreacting or being irrational by being upset.
45. He apologizes, but keeps repeating the same hurtful "mistakes". When you question him on this he accuses you of "laying blame".
47. He has a completely different recollection of "events" than you have, and insists that YOU are the one that has the faulty memory. Especially events where HE acted inappropriately.
53. He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)
55. He/She is on the rebound - i.e. less than 1.5 years after a major breakup from a long-term relationship. (HAHA-his new girl)
56. He's seeing someone else (and he is intimate with them) and he falls for you. It may seem very flattering, but he'll only do the same thing to you later. It's a sick pattern and it ISN'T going to stop with YOU. (haha-his new girl)
58. He/She wants to get married (after 3 months!) before you have known each other for more than 1-2 years and haven't even lived together yet. It takes at least 1.5yrs for the "hormone rush" of infatuation to wear off, and the true colours to start to emerge, depending on how quickly you individuate away from the "joined at the hip" phase.
59. He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH him before it gets worse. Don't wait around hoping the the guy you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.
68. You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".
70. You are moving out of the infatuation phase and find yourself having to constantly reassure him that you love him and will be there, simply because you are no longer spending every waking minute (outside of work) with him. He continually complains about the lack of "intensity" in your relationship and implies that YOU are the one responsible for not keeping it up.
71. He used to be completely interested in anything you had to say, and now starts showing disinterest in topics that interest you, to the point of rudeness. He won't even listen out of politeness or courtesy. Complains that you don't talk about HIM enough, or listen to HIM enough, and that what you are interested in, isn't interesting to HIM. Expects YOU, however to be interested in ANYTHING *he* is interested in.
72. You have to keep proving yourself worthy of his attention or love. You get attention withdrawn if you ask for responsible behavior or in any way indicate that you were not happy with something he did.
73. He tells you many or all of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special that they can only open up like that to YOU. It's just a technique. They do it with EVERYONE. They also do it to "cover" for their previous bad behavior, - if they TELL you about it, it MUST mean they are working on it and won't do it again... (though they NEVER ACTUALLY SAY THAT... they imply it heavily). The goal is to cover their tracks in case you happen to hear something from anyone else - this ensures that they have good cover story well in hand, as well as giving them the advantage of already convincing you of THEIR version before anyone else can get you. And the act of telling you about their bad behavior in the past will become a great caveat/excuse in future if they enact it on you - "well I TOLD you I was a manipulator, and that I was TRYING to change..." the implication being that you just weren't SPECIAL enough, after all... or that you aren't trying hard enough... Watch what they DO, not what they say.
74. He/she continually wants to discuss "the relationship", and is always finding problems or faults with it, and/or starts insisting/implying that all the relationship problems are YOUR fault.
75. He/She puts on a *very* different demeanor, a different personna, when at work or with another group of people. He/she seems to be a chameleon depending on who they are with - instead of being one *real* person. If questioned, gets defensive and insists that they just have many "facets" to their personality, implying that you just don't fully "accept" them as they are.
78. He's in a real hurry to get married, right now, right away!
87. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.
88. She still calls her mother every time she has to make a major life decision.
94. He uses "bitch" as a term of endearment.
95. He supports his driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol with the phrase, "I'm a professional!" (The fact that drugs are present should be red flag anyway, but not everyone feels that way.)
Wow, that was helpful! Holy Moly! That list is LONG!
8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past. Addicts usually replace one addiction with another, if they ever leave on addiction behind at all. Alcohol today, porn tomorrow.
17. He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.
30. Even though he will denigrate them on the one hand, on the other hand, he holds his previous girlfriend(s) up as impossible standards for you to live up to.
31. He seems like "a challenge", or a "diamond in the rough".
33. He warns you about his previous bad behavior, and indicates that he is "working" on it, but is not "healed" yet. He implies that maybe only YOU can really understand and help him overcome his past, but he's not sure. This leaves him an "out" (an "I WARNED you" option) when he DOES act out again.
35. He has no friends of the opposite sex. ( I have to change this to: has LOTS of hot female friends who are really flirty~because he is a "player" and/or was hooking them up with drugs)
34. He never apologizes, or he apologizes, but in an oily way that implies that he won't make a committment to not do it again, or in some way implies that YOU were the cause of the bad behavior - that you "triggered" him or "pushed his dysfunctional buttons".
44. He does something REALLY hurtful or inconsiderate and when you get upset, makes a comment like, "I'm not responsible for your feelings". He refuses to do anything in the way of reparation, and invalidates your feelings. He acts cold and callous, or condescending implying that you are overreacting or being irrational by being upset.
45. He apologizes, but keeps repeating the same hurtful "mistakes". When you question him on this he accuses you of "laying blame".
47. He has a completely different recollection of "events" than you have, and insists that YOU are the one that has the faulty memory. Especially events where HE acted inappropriately.
53. He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)
55. He/She is on the rebound - i.e. less than 1.5 years after a major breakup from a long-term relationship. (HAHA-his new girl)
56. He's seeing someone else (and he is intimate with them) and he falls for you. It may seem very flattering, but he'll only do the same thing to you later. It's a sick pattern and it ISN'T going to stop with YOU. (haha-his new girl)
58. He/She wants to get married (after 3 months!) before you have known each other for more than 1-2 years and haven't even lived together yet. It takes at least 1.5yrs for the "hormone rush" of infatuation to wear off, and the true colours to start to emerge, depending on how quickly you individuate away from the "joined at the hip" phase.
59. He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH him before it gets worse. Don't wait around hoping the the guy you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.
68. You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".
70. You are moving out of the infatuation phase and find yourself having to constantly reassure him that you love him and will be there, simply because you are no longer spending every waking minute (outside of work) with him. He continually complains about the lack of "intensity" in your relationship and implies that YOU are the one responsible for not keeping it up.
71. He used to be completely interested in anything you had to say, and now starts showing disinterest in topics that interest you, to the point of rudeness. He won't even listen out of politeness or courtesy. Complains that you don't talk about HIM enough, or listen to HIM enough, and that what you are interested in, isn't interesting to HIM. Expects YOU, however to be interested in ANYTHING *he* is interested in.
72. You have to keep proving yourself worthy of his attention or love. You get attention withdrawn if you ask for responsible behavior or in any way indicate that you were not happy with something he did.
73. He tells you many or all of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special that they can only open up like that to YOU. It's just a technique. They do it with EVERYONE. They also do it to "cover" for their previous bad behavior, - if they TELL you about it, it MUST mean they are working on it and won't do it again... (though they NEVER ACTUALLY SAY THAT... they imply it heavily). The goal is to cover their tracks in case you happen to hear something from anyone else - this ensures that they have good cover story well in hand, as well as giving them the advantage of already convincing you of THEIR version before anyone else can get you. And the act of telling you about their bad behavior in the past will become a great caveat/excuse in future if they enact it on you - "well I TOLD you I was a manipulator, and that I was TRYING to change..." the implication being that you just weren't SPECIAL enough, after all... or that you aren't trying hard enough... Watch what they DO, not what they say.
74. He/she continually wants to discuss "the relationship", and is always finding problems or faults with it, and/or starts insisting/implying that all the relationship problems are YOUR fault.
75. He/She puts on a *very* different demeanor, a different personna, when at work or with another group of people. He/she seems to be a chameleon depending on who they are with - instead of being one *real* person. If questioned, gets defensive and insists that they just have many "facets" to their personality, implying that you just don't fully "accept" them as they are.
78. He's in a real hurry to get married, right now, right away!
87. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.
88. She still calls her mother every time she has to make a major life decision.
94. He uses "bitch" as a term of endearment.
95. He supports his driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol with the phrase, "I'm a professional!" (The fact that drugs are present should be red flag anyway, but not everyone feels that way.)
Wow, that was helpful! Holy Moly! That list is LONG!
Last edited by Stellargirl; 02-10-2008 at 08:43 PM. Reason: added
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
FD, thanks for digging this out of the archives! I remember this sticky, some great info here. I would definately like to see this go 'back to the top'
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
"93. He shows signs of pennypinching. For example, a guy who only goes to the rep theatre because he has a special card, and then won't even buy a popcorn but eats out of your container all night and shares your soda. Then won't even go out for a beer after, even if it's a weekend. His clothes are ten years old or more."
Hey, the price of those oversized and overpriced popcorns and softdrinks and fact that it can easily be shared by 2 people and more is than enough makes it quite logical.
I am proud that clothes 10 years or older still fit fine. Fashion repeats as does history. I also feel that I have more than enough clothes and there are so many people in this world with so very little, struggling to eat, no clean water, abject poverty. Sorry if I feel guilty when I consider buying a new article of clothing or shoes. Better to spend the money on my children s education and upbringing than on more personal clothes.
Don't really like popcorn that much anyway.....
Hey, the price of those oversized and overpriced popcorns and softdrinks and fact that it can easily be shared by 2 people and more is than enough makes it quite logical.
I am proud that clothes 10 years or older still fit fine. Fashion repeats as does history. I also feel that I have more than enough clothes and there are so many people in this world with so very little, struggling to eat, no clean water, abject poverty. Sorry if I feel guilty when I consider buying a new article of clothing or shoes. Better to spend the money on my children s education and upbringing than on more personal clothes.
Don't really like popcorn that much anyway.....
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
70. You are moving out of the infatuation phase and find yourself having to constantly reassure him that you love him and will be there, simply because you are no longer spending every waking minute (outside of work) with him. He continually complains about the lack of "intensity" in your relationship and *****implies that YOU are the one responsible for not keeping it up.******
sounds familiar w xah, I was the one to figure it out, sure did :HONYSparkler:
79. He's an ex-con. For some women, this still isn't enough, for some reason. ---It is Now
sounds familiar w xah, I was the one to figure it out, sure did :HONYSparkler:
79. He's an ex-con. For some women, this still isn't enough, for some reason. ---It is Now
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
>>Hmmm... I dunno, minnie. As Bob just pointed out it's just a matter of your point of view. I see _their_ behavior as their choice, and not for me to judge. It is _my_ behavior that I can judge as healthy or not. If _I_ choose to get in a relationship with somebody who shows these red flags then it is _me_ who has unhealthy behavior, not them.>>
>>Whadya think?>>
Well here are my thoughts:
This is not a statement about whether I agree or don't agree with the red flag list,it is about your perspective Deserteyes.
Your statement is self contradictory. You make a judgement in your statement , beyond yourself.
The "red flags" represent unhealthy behavior. To agree or not to agree one is or isn't is a judgement.
To say that you see one's "behavior as a choice and not for you to judge" does not match up with the world of reality, including in your own statement. Here, an example: what do you call it when you have to decide not to or to date a girl you were interested in , let's say, because you discover she drinks a lot , a red flag?
It sounds "nice" to say you don't judge and that you are the one with unhealthy behavior if you get into a relationship. But...... your judgement on self already was predicated by the fact that you had to make a judgement about there behavior.
You may call it a behavior choice but to make a decision about that behavior as a red flag or not is to make a judgement.
The question isn't to whether we judge ones actions as healthy or not healthy but whether we have made a right or wrong judgement or overstepped and judged beyond what we have a right to judge.
So am I write or wrong? Judge for yourself.
love tam
>>Whadya think?>>
Well here are my thoughts:
This is not a statement about whether I agree or don't agree with the red flag list,it is about your perspective Deserteyes.
Your statement is self contradictory. You make a judgement in your statement , beyond yourself.
The "red flags" represent unhealthy behavior. To agree or not to agree one is or isn't is a judgement.
To say that you see one's "behavior as a choice and not for you to judge" does not match up with the world of reality, including in your own statement. Here, an example: what do you call it when you have to decide not to or to date a girl you were interested in , let's say, because you discover she drinks a lot , a red flag?
It sounds "nice" to say you don't judge and that you are the one with unhealthy behavior if you get into a relationship. But...... your judgement on self already was predicated by the fact that you had to make a judgement about there behavior.
You may call it a behavior choice but to make a decision about that behavior as a red flag or not is to make a judgement.
The question isn't to whether we judge ones actions as healthy or not healthy but whether we have made a right or wrong judgement or overstepped and judged beyond what we have a right to judge.
So am I write or wrong? Judge for yourself.
love tam
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
3. Despite his obvious mental angst [or perhaps because of it...] he completely rejects the idea of professional therapy as a sham, preferring to confide in YOU, because, well, YOU are so much better at understanding him and his troubled life than some overpaid professional "quack."
5. He/she always has an "agenda". Does not sincerely listen to anything that diverts attention from the agenda, and quickly shifts conversation back to his/her goal(s), without addressing the other person's concerns.
8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past. Addicts usually replace one addiction with another, if they ever leave on addiction behind at all. Alcohol today, porn tomorrow.
9. Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections. This is a huge sign that they're not all the way grown up.
14. The answer to any relationship problem you have is resolved in bed.
16. He breaks up with you "for your own good", using excuses like "you will be miserable with me" or "you need to be free" or "you aren't ready for sex", then he begs for you to come back.
17. He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.
18. He says things like "I just want to be good for someone. I just want to be good for YOU." Don't let it tug at your heart-strings. Don't think it means he's REALLY working on his stuff - it means he's so filled with self-hate that he's been an ass to everyone else in his past, and he thinks that he can feel good about himself if he finds the "right" woman. He's searching for salvation through YOU instead of working on his **** himself, and it won't work. It didn't work in the past with all the other women and you are just another kick at the can for him.
21. On the subject of running your life on HIS schedule, You are expected to wake up when HE does, and go to bed when HE does. If you stay up late or sleep in, he sulks or takes off without leaving any indication of where he has gone. He may "forget" the two of you made plans for that day, or go do the activity you planned to do together, with someone else.
29. He blames all his previous relationship failures on the women he was with. He complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn't understand him. If he DOES admit that he ****** things up, he is quick to point out that if SHE had been the *right* person for him, she wouldn't have allowed him to **** it up.
33. He warns you about his previous bad behavior, and indicates that he is "working" on it, but is not "healed" yet. He implies that maybe only YOU can really understand and help him overcome his past, but he's not sure. This leaves him an "out" (an "I WARNED you" option) when he DOES act out again.
34. He never apologizes, or he apologizes, but in an oily way that implies that he won't make a committment to not do it again, or in some way implies that YOU were the cause of the bad behavior - that you "triggered" him or "pushed his dysfunctional buttons".
38. His "friends" are total flakes, crackpots and emotionally disturbed people. (Healthy people attract Healthy friends. Unhealthy people attract UNhealthy friends.)
41. He/She doesn't take responsibility for his/her behavior- everything is someone else's fault. Or blames all adult mistakes on parents.
44. He does something REALLY hurtful or inconsiderate and when you get upset, makes a comment like, "I'm not responsible for your feelings". He refuses to do anything in the way of reparation, and invalidates your feelings. He acts cold and callous, or condescending implying that you are overreacting or being irrational by being upset.
45. He apologizes, but keeps repeating the same hurtful "mistakes". When you question him on this he accuses you of "laying blame".
47. He has a completely different recollection of "events" than you have, and insists that YOU are the one that has the faulty memory. Especially events where HE acted inappropriately.
48. He is a pig in his own place, but expects that the "right woman" will help him fix it up and keep it clean.
49. (if you are living together). He complains about the mess in the house, and criticizes the lack of kitchen cleanliness as if it is YOUR fault, but his own room or office is a STY. (Remember, it's easier to criticize the way a woman keeps a kitchen than it is to admit you are a misogynist.)
50. (for guys in their 30's and 40's) He has NO relationship with his ex-partners, in fact, they want NOTHING to do with him. If he isn't friends with at least a couple of his ex-partners (especially the long-term significant ones), and talks with them socially periodically (over more than issues with their kids), then watch out.
52. (According to him) all or many of his former girlfriends are "nuts" or emotionally unbalanced. Watch out for the "I did this bad thing, BUT... SHE brought it out in me.... and I won't be that way with you..." or worse... the "I'm not sure if I won't do this again, but with the RIGHT woman to BELIEVE in me..."
53. He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)
55. He/She is on the rebound - i.e. less than 1.5 years after a major breakup from a long-term relationship.
59. He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH him before it gets worse. Don't wait around hoping the the guy you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.
63. He seems "too good to be true" - he probably IS (not TRUE, that is).
68. You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".
72. You have to keep proving yourself worthy of his attention or love. You get attention withdrawn if you ask for responsible behavior or in any way indicate that you were not happy with something he did.
73. He tells you many or all of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special that they can only open up like that to YOU. It's just a technique. They do it with EVERYONE. They also do it to "cover" for their previous bad behavior, - if they TELL you about it, it MUST mean they are working on it and won't do it again... (though they NEVER ACTUALLY SAY THAT... they imply it heavily). The goal is to cover their tracks in case you happen to hear something from anyone else - this ensures that they have good cover story well in hand, as well as giving them the advantage of already convincing you of THEIR version before anyone else can get you. And the act of telling you about their bad behavior in the past will become a great caveat/excuse in future if they enact it on you - "well I TOLD you I was a manipulator, and that I was TRYING to change..." the implication being that you just weren't SPECIAL enough, after all... or that you aren't trying hard enough... Watch what they DO, not what they say.
75. He/She puts on a *very* different demeanor, a different personna, when at work or with another group of people. He/she seems to be a chameleon depending on who they are with - instead of being one *real* person. If questioned, gets defensive and insists that they just have many "facets" to their personality, implying that you just don't fully "accept" them as they are.
84. His entire wardrobe consists of clothes from trade shows like Comdex, bearing the logos of software and gaming companies.
87. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.
95. He supports his driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol with the phrase, "I'm a professional!" (The fact that drugs are present should be red flag anyway, but not everyone feels that way.)
how can i miss that "catch"?????????????:wtf2
5. He/she always has an "agenda". Does not sincerely listen to anything that diverts attention from the agenda, and quickly shifts conversation back to his/her goal(s), without addressing the other person's concerns.
8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past. Addicts usually replace one addiction with another, if they ever leave on addiction behind at all. Alcohol today, porn tomorrow.
9. Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections. This is a huge sign that they're not all the way grown up.
14. The answer to any relationship problem you have is resolved in bed.
16. He breaks up with you "for your own good", using excuses like "you will be miserable with me" or "you need to be free" or "you aren't ready for sex", then he begs for you to come back.
17. He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.
18. He says things like "I just want to be good for someone. I just want to be good for YOU." Don't let it tug at your heart-strings. Don't think it means he's REALLY working on his stuff - it means he's so filled with self-hate that he's been an ass to everyone else in his past, and he thinks that he can feel good about himself if he finds the "right" woman. He's searching for salvation through YOU instead of working on his **** himself, and it won't work. It didn't work in the past with all the other women and you are just another kick at the can for him.
21. On the subject of running your life on HIS schedule, You are expected to wake up when HE does, and go to bed when HE does. If you stay up late or sleep in, he sulks or takes off without leaving any indication of where he has gone. He may "forget" the two of you made plans for that day, or go do the activity you planned to do together, with someone else.
29. He blames all his previous relationship failures on the women he was with. He complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn't understand him. If he DOES admit that he ****** things up, he is quick to point out that if SHE had been the *right* person for him, she wouldn't have allowed him to **** it up.
33. He warns you about his previous bad behavior, and indicates that he is "working" on it, but is not "healed" yet. He implies that maybe only YOU can really understand and help him overcome his past, but he's not sure. This leaves him an "out" (an "I WARNED you" option) when he DOES act out again.
34. He never apologizes, or he apologizes, but in an oily way that implies that he won't make a committment to not do it again, or in some way implies that YOU were the cause of the bad behavior - that you "triggered" him or "pushed his dysfunctional buttons".
38. His "friends" are total flakes, crackpots and emotionally disturbed people. (Healthy people attract Healthy friends. Unhealthy people attract UNhealthy friends.)
41. He/She doesn't take responsibility for his/her behavior- everything is someone else's fault. Or blames all adult mistakes on parents.
44. He does something REALLY hurtful or inconsiderate and when you get upset, makes a comment like, "I'm not responsible for your feelings". He refuses to do anything in the way of reparation, and invalidates your feelings. He acts cold and callous, or condescending implying that you are overreacting or being irrational by being upset.
45. He apologizes, but keeps repeating the same hurtful "mistakes". When you question him on this he accuses you of "laying blame".
47. He has a completely different recollection of "events" than you have, and insists that YOU are the one that has the faulty memory. Especially events where HE acted inappropriately.
48. He is a pig in his own place, but expects that the "right woman" will help him fix it up and keep it clean.
49. (if you are living together). He complains about the mess in the house, and criticizes the lack of kitchen cleanliness as if it is YOUR fault, but his own room or office is a STY. (Remember, it's easier to criticize the way a woman keeps a kitchen than it is to admit you are a misogynist.)
50. (for guys in their 30's and 40's) He has NO relationship with his ex-partners, in fact, they want NOTHING to do with him. If he isn't friends with at least a couple of his ex-partners (especially the long-term significant ones), and talks with them socially periodically (over more than issues with their kids), then watch out.
52. (According to him) all or many of his former girlfriends are "nuts" or emotionally unbalanced. Watch out for the "I did this bad thing, BUT... SHE brought it out in me.... and I won't be that way with you..." or worse... the "I'm not sure if I won't do this again, but with the RIGHT woman to BELIEVE in me..."
53. He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)
55. He/She is on the rebound - i.e. less than 1.5 years after a major breakup from a long-term relationship.
59. He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH him before it gets worse. Don't wait around hoping the the guy you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.
63. He seems "too good to be true" - he probably IS (not TRUE, that is).
68. You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".
72. You have to keep proving yourself worthy of his attention or love. You get attention withdrawn if you ask for responsible behavior or in any way indicate that you were not happy with something he did.
73. He tells you many or all of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special that they can only open up like that to YOU. It's just a technique. They do it with EVERYONE. They also do it to "cover" for their previous bad behavior, - if they TELL you about it, it MUST mean they are working on it and won't do it again... (though they NEVER ACTUALLY SAY THAT... they imply it heavily). The goal is to cover their tracks in case you happen to hear something from anyone else - this ensures that they have good cover story well in hand, as well as giving them the advantage of already convincing you of THEIR version before anyone else can get you. And the act of telling you about their bad behavior in the past will become a great caveat/excuse in future if they enact it on you - "well I TOLD you I was a manipulator, and that I was TRYING to change..." the implication being that you just weren't SPECIAL enough, after all... or that you aren't trying hard enough... Watch what they DO, not what they say.
75. He/She puts on a *very* different demeanor, a different personna, when at work or with another group of people. He/she seems to be a chameleon depending on who they are with - instead of being one *real* person. If questioned, gets defensive and insists that they just have many "facets" to their personality, implying that you just don't fully "accept" them as they are.
84. His entire wardrobe consists of clothes from trade shows like Comdex, bearing the logos of software and gaming companies.
87. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.
95. He supports his driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol with the phrase, "I'm a professional!" (The fact that drugs are present should be red flag anyway, but not everyone feels that way.)
how can i miss that "catch"?????????????:wtf2
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
LOL GL and MissFixIt
Great thread, will keep in mind for further "love interests", and will flee at the first red flag. I FINALLY value MY time,
Although in recovery I am taking a rest from fishing altogether, need to use better bait to attract the goodies LOL.
Great thread, will keep in mind for further "love interests", and will flee at the first red flag. I FINALLY value MY time,
Although in recovery I am taking a rest from fishing altogether, need to use better bait to attract the goodies LOL.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Boy there are some little rippers in that list that I have come face to face with in the past. Now I am worried about my abf, because he has just given me a gift for my new home: he just dumped 10 bags of cow manure at my back gate.
What happened to flowers and chocolates?
What happened to flowers and chocolates?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Slouching toward Bethlehem
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by BubbaBob 
Damn Minnie...with THAT list, none of us guys have a chance...hell, number 42 gets you ready to go, and 54 sends you out the door.
What the hell is wrong with WWF anyway?...LOL
BubbaBob
What the hell is wrong with WWF anyway?...LOL
BubbaBob
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
Boy there are some little rippers in that list that I have come face to face with in the past. Now I am worried about my abf, because he has just given me a gift for my new home: he just dumped 10 bags of cow manure at my back gate.
What happened to flowers and chocolates?
What happened to flowers and chocolates?
With the manure you can grow your own flowers
Can't help you with the chocolate, though....
Whew, did they follow my ex around?A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sometimes I get more satisfaction from eating a chocolate than being with another human, is that normal? LOL.
Sara Lee, the ONE person you can count on...
OK I am not adding anything to the thread.. LOL
Sara Lee, the ONE person you can count on...
OK I am not adding anything to the thread.. LOL
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