Red Flags
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 37
Wow this was something that made my mouth drop and be still. Sad part is that when the A in my life and I split I had a guy that only had maybe three of these charachteristics which isn't bad out of 100. I left him when the A came back out of rehab. I need help!!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I hate it when we realize things AFTER THE FACTS...
I would LOVE to go back to events and SAY MY OPINION!! and leave right away!! and not shut up and be a doormat.
But well. It all has to be FROM NOW ON...
I would LOVE to go back to events and SAY MY OPINION!! and leave right away!! and not shut up and be a doormat.
But well. It all has to be FROM NOW ON...
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
Hold up. I saw this "list" and immediately had to add my .02. Now, I may only be 19 years of age, but I've learned a thing or two about a thing or two and really this "list" should be for women with incredibly low self esteem - and honestly those women shouldn't be dating. Yes, there are a few numbers on here that are good red flags (pretty much anything that also doubles on the psychopath advisory list) BUT I must address certain numbers that I feel either shouldn't be on this list at all or at least deserve some amending:
7. He immediately starts sucking up to your friends and trying to become buddies with them.
*Honestly, most smart men/women will do this because they KNOW you have a life of your own and they want to (hopefully) secure a spot in it! Obviously if your new boyfriend or girlfriend seems overly aggressive in wanting to know your friends so they can stalk you and control you at all times, that's crossing the line, but any good partner would want to be wanted and somewhat involved in their partner's social life.
8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past.
*There are a lot of addicts/alcoholics who are great people but happen to have had dependency issues in the past. Obviously, an addict in active addiction is a monster and definitely not worth dating, but a recovering addict who works a good program could actually just as sensitive and compassionate as someone who hadn't gone through that. After all, trying times tend to make people smarter and stronger.
9. Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections.
*Maybe if your new boyfriend constantly insists on playing GI Joe or ignores the news to watch cartoon network 24/7, however, enjoying comic books, cherished action figures, and even a beloved video game is normal AND typical guy behavior. Obviously if I'm too busy to answer a new boy's calls because I'm playing Barbie all the time there's an issue, but just because I have a stuffed animal or two from my childhood doesn't mean I'm some wacko. Same applies for men. I think its totally fine for men to save some kid-behavior, it shows that they're young, fun souls.
14. The answer to any relationship problem you have is resolved in bed.
*In the beginning stages of most good relationships, EVERY issue is solved with sex. Why? Because it's fun and you don't feel like wasting your time fighting. Why fight when you can be naked, right? Obviously if your new bf/gf and you are fighting because you caught them cheating on you for the umpteenth time then you have bigger fish to fry and you shouldn't be with them in the first place.
42. He thinks WWF wrestling is culture.
*What do you have against WWF? I swear if I read on this list about some neo-feminist sport like quasi-touch football or softball being culture, I'll rip my eyes out! I happen to get a kick out of wrestling and think it's fun to watch. Since when is wrestling a red flag for danger, it's more a red flag for possibly repressed homo-erotica or cheapness, not danger!
51. He is uncomfortable with you talking to his former girlfriends/partners/spouses.
*Hello, who wouldn't be uncomfortable with a current bf/gf talking to their ex? I highly doubt anyone is raising their hand..
57. He tells you all the ways you are alike and seems to find more similarities
*When getting to know someone, it's natural to have shared hobbies as well as differences. Early on in a relationship you choose between focusing on what separates you or accentuating what brings you together. If you both genuinely have some shared passions (as long as their healthy, such as favoring the same sport's team or loving the same candy) it's fine! Now if you share an old love of smoking crack then, that's a totally different issue..But people are attracted to others who share similar interests and can open each other up to new things. This should be on a red flag list for positives in a relationship, not a warning sign.
81. His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents.
*Okay, some people are very family oriented. I'm quite close with my family and especially now that I'm home I find myself hanging with them 80% of the time. Obviously my social life doesn't completely revolve around them, but I don't see anything wrong with someone being family oriented! Ugh, what is wrong with radical feminists?!?
87. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.
*I'm willing to bet that every girl under 25 has a long history of this. Practice makes perfect, silly feminists.
92. He/she can't hold a job for more than three months.
*Uhm, maybe the author of the list wrote this pre-recession, but it is nearly impossible to be hired in this economic climate, and more and more people are getting laid off every week. This one doesn't apply right now either. Besides, feminists should support themselves. Independence laides, who's with me?
So I do consider myself a quasi-feminist in that in Rachel's World men never come first, I do. In relationships, I love you but I love me more. And men come and go but my friends (especially my gal pals) are permanent. I have had some loving intimate relationships, and I've had my fair share of horror stories, but you need to kiss all kinds of frogs before you fall into prince charming's arms. Not feminist enough for you? Paaalease. Feminism is an excuse for women to be bitchy and to scapegoat men for why we cannot get ahead. You can be independent all you want, but honestly life can get very lonely when you push everyone away with silly lists and man-bashing articles. Why not make your own list of qualities that your ideal man/woman would have? Or, better yet, just find yourself and love yourself and stop trying to turn every person into a "yes" or a "no"..all this categorizing does is make people feel worse about themself and make women focus on finding a boyfriend, rather than bettering her own life!
Rach
7. He immediately starts sucking up to your friends and trying to become buddies with them.
*Honestly, most smart men/women will do this because they KNOW you have a life of your own and they want to (hopefully) secure a spot in it! Obviously if your new boyfriend or girlfriend seems overly aggressive in wanting to know your friends so they can stalk you and control you at all times, that's crossing the line, but any good partner would want to be wanted and somewhat involved in their partner's social life.
8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past.
*There are a lot of addicts/alcoholics who are great people but happen to have had dependency issues in the past. Obviously, an addict in active addiction is a monster and definitely not worth dating, but a recovering addict who works a good program could actually just as sensitive and compassionate as someone who hadn't gone through that. After all, trying times tend to make people smarter and stronger.
9. Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections.
*Maybe if your new boyfriend constantly insists on playing GI Joe or ignores the news to watch cartoon network 24/7, however, enjoying comic books, cherished action figures, and even a beloved video game is normal AND typical guy behavior. Obviously if I'm too busy to answer a new boy's calls because I'm playing Barbie all the time there's an issue, but just because I have a stuffed animal or two from my childhood doesn't mean I'm some wacko. Same applies for men. I think its totally fine for men to save some kid-behavior, it shows that they're young, fun souls.
14. The answer to any relationship problem you have is resolved in bed.
*In the beginning stages of most good relationships, EVERY issue is solved with sex. Why? Because it's fun and you don't feel like wasting your time fighting. Why fight when you can be naked, right? Obviously if your new bf/gf and you are fighting because you caught them cheating on you for the umpteenth time then you have bigger fish to fry and you shouldn't be with them in the first place.
42. He thinks WWF wrestling is culture.
*What do you have against WWF? I swear if I read on this list about some neo-feminist sport like quasi-touch football or softball being culture, I'll rip my eyes out! I happen to get a kick out of wrestling and think it's fun to watch. Since when is wrestling a red flag for danger, it's more a red flag for possibly repressed homo-erotica or cheapness, not danger!
51. He is uncomfortable with you talking to his former girlfriends/partners/spouses.
*Hello, who wouldn't be uncomfortable with a current bf/gf talking to their ex? I highly doubt anyone is raising their hand..
57. He tells you all the ways you are alike and seems to find more similarities
*When getting to know someone, it's natural to have shared hobbies as well as differences. Early on in a relationship you choose between focusing on what separates you or accentuating what brings you together. If you both genuinely have some shared passions (as long as their healthy, such as favoring the same sport's team or loving the same candy) it's fine! Now if you share an old love of smoking crack then, that's a totally different issue..But people are attracted to others who share similar interests and can open each other up to new things. This should be on a red flag list for positives in a relationship, not a warning sign.
81. His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents.
*Okay, some people are very family oriented. I'm quite close with my family and especially now that I'm home I find myself hanging with them 80% of the time. Obviously my social life doesn't completely revolve around them, but I don't see anything wrong with someone being family oriented! Ugh, what is wrong with radical feminists?!?
87. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.
*I'm willing to bet that every girl under 25 has a long history of this. Practice makes perfect, silly feminists.
92. He/she can't hold a job for more than three months.
*Uhm, maybe the author of the list wrote this pre-recession, but it is nearly impossible to be hired in this economic climate, and more and more people are getting laid off every week. This one doesn't apply right now either. Besides, feminists should support themselves. Independence laides, who's with me?
So I do consider myself a quasi-feminist in that in Rachel's World men never come first, I do. In relationships, I love you but I love me more. And men come and go but my friends (especially my gal pals) are permanent. I have had some loving intimate relationships, and I've had my fair share of horror stories, but you need to kiss all kinds of frogs before you fall into prince charming's arms. Not feminist enough for you? Paaalease. Feminism is an excuse for women to be bitchy and to scapegoat men for why we cannot get ahead. You can be independent all you want, but honestly life can get very lonely when you push everyone away with silly lists and man-bashing articles. Why not make your own list of qualities that your ideal man/woman would have? Or, better yet, just find yourself and love yourself and stop trying to turn every person into a "yes" or a "no"..all this categorizing does is make people feel worse about themself and make women focus on finding a boyfriend, rather than bettering her own life!
Rach
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Note that the O.P. -- and this was four years ago -- was simply reposting this missive which she found on another web site.
She was obviously right that it's food for thought...people have been chewing it over ever since Lots of agreement and disagreement - and in fact she herself noted that she didn't agree with all of it.
She was obviously right that it's food for thought...people have been chewing it over ever since
Lots of agreement and disagreement - and in fact she herself noted that she didn't agree with all of it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
Interestingly enough, my ABF has none of those traits. NONE!
Hmmm....
I however have a few of them and have done many more in my past.
Out of curiousity, why is it a red flag if they have no friends of the opposite sex. I can make sense out of all the others on the list but I'm curious why that is a red flag....Does it mean they hate women? I can't figure out why it's a red flag.
Hmmm....
I however have a few of them and have done many more in my past.
Out of curiousity, why is it a red flag if they have no friends of the opposite sex. I can make sense out of all the others on the list but I'm curious why that is a red flag....Does it mean they hate women? I can't figure out why it's a red flag.
miyah
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by elizabeth1979 
Yeah, my dog rather liked him, likely due to the fact that they behaved in similar fashions.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I am single and so is my girlfriend...i like being alone...now i see why...her...well, deep in the toxic relationship....
I just copied and sent this too her...she just called...and i got a great big WOW...this sure is an eye opener...welcome to singlehood
I just copied and sent this too her...she just called...and i got a great big WOW...this sure is an eye opener...welcome to singlehood
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 3
What most women fail to see is that until we are perfect, we need to stop demanding perfection from someone else. Just because your boyfriend collects comics & was molested as a child doesn't mean he is unable to be a perfectly competent, intelligent, kind, great person now & any woman who would be scared off by such is pretty lame if you ask this chick. Some of these "red flags" are just ridiculous. *eyeroll*
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by preachesmayhem
What most women fail to see is that until we are perfect, we need to stop demanding perfection from someone else.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by akrasia
One of the best things about being a woman is that there's always a man like the above to come along and point out my womanly failures. And mock "chicks" generally for having boundaries.
But I still hold there's an important distinction between expecting perfection and having--and discussing--boundaries.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1
Too True
I read this list and was amazed at how true it all is!! From previous experience and from what my mother warned me about - yes, she was right. I am married and he ticks a few boxes which I had been warned about before I got involved with him but hey, I may tick one of the boxes, and at present I live my marriage one day at a time and take the good it has to offer. Seems okay for now...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: acworth
Posts: 33
Omg. I love this!!!! A lot of this is EXACTLY like the guy I was dating. The sad thing is a thought he wanted to change on his own, I never pushed him or tried to make him change(even though he accused me of it, he was paranoid about so many things including that). God I wish I had left earlier or at least taken a break in our relationship to let him find him(although I did try to get him to do that and he didn't want to). He really broke me down made me feel like I did something, but honestly I'm glad I'm not crazy I'm glad that it is him not me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 118
"2. His favorite subject is how oppressed he is by the world, and how all these feminists and liberated women who always turn him down have damaged his self-concept and made life so hard for him."
This one made me laugh out loud. I have met a couple of people like this *shiver* and I love that it's the second bang-on warning right out of the gate.
This one made me laugh out loud. I have met a couple of people like this *shiver* and I love that it's the second bang-on warning right out of the gate.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Joshua Tree,CA
Posts: 18
I learned about learned red flags, everyone has some of these,
Its how many and to what degree. We are all human.
The big one for me is, not acknowledging my feelings, telling me I am overreacting. Dismissing my feelings.
Its how many and to what degree. We are all human.
The big one for me is, not acknowledging my feelings, telling me I am overreacting. Dismissing my feelings.
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