so, i've detached...now what?

Old 08-31-2005, 11:45 PM
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Unhappy so, i've detached...now what?

ok, so i've detached from a boy who is/was a really good friend and i love a lot but is an alcoholic. this is really hard - i've known him for less than a year, but we quickly developed a really intense emotional bond and a quite amazing friendship. to complicate matters, i developed romantic feelings which make this even harder.

i recently moved cities and thought i could just be the person who called him once a week and urged him to go into treatment, etc. but once i left, he started doing the addict routine where he disapears for a while, does horrible, self-destructive things, then calls when he's looking for redemption. i realized that i just can't do this. it drives me crazy when he witdraws and upsets me when he finally calls.

it was hard, because while i was still around, he kept his behavior in check, but once i left, he started spiraling out of control. so all our mutual friends wanted me to stay in touch with him because i'm a "stabilizing influence." by the way, he was also hiding his drinking from me for a long time - he had gone to treatment before and was supposed to be sober. this is probably why his behavior was less out-of-control when i was around.

but i read "codependent no more" and got some good wisdom from friends who have been in similar situations and realized that a) i can't rescue him and b) i need to get some distance. if we lived in the same city, maybe i could stay in his life, but being long-distance, it's just too hard. i really need to move on.

so, when he called me last week, i told him "i care about you sooooo much, but i think you're killing your potential and all the things i love about you. when you decide to go into treatment i'll do whatever i can to help you, but until then, i can't be the person you go to to feel better about your addiction." he said he understood, we talked a little while longer, he said he'd keep in touch, but i knew he wouldn't and so far he hasn't.

so... now i'm trying to move on. i'm keeping myself busy, seeing friends, setting up my life here. but i keep thinking about him, wondering if i'll ever see him again. i find myself fixating. i also find myself questioning my decision to detach, wondering if i could do it in a way that will keep us from being estranged as we are now, but that will also allow me to keep my peace of mind.

so, i guess i don't really have a question, i'm just looking for some support/wisdom...
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Old 08-31-2005, 11:52 PM
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I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Many of us know exactly what it's like to love an A.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Unfortunately, A's are often manipulative and just as often, liars. Not all, but most. Once he was sure you would no longer play his game, he's taken his ball and gone home-and is most likely looking for an easier co-dependent.

Move on with your life and allow your heart time to mourn and heal. Consider al-anon for a while...you can learn some great things that apply to many things in life and it could help you avoid falling for another A.

Let us know how you're doing...we honestly DO understand the heartache.
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Old 09-01-2005, 10:05 AM
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sigh

thanks... see, i know intellectually that what you're saying is true about the lies and the manipulation, but it's hard so get my heart to agree, you know.

i think you're right, it'll just take time. it's kind of like a break-up in that way. actually, it sort of is a break-up, isn't it?

Last edited by lunasol; 09-01-2005 at 10:06 AM. Reason: i can't spell
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Old 09-01-2005, 11:55 AM
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Hi Lunasol,

Try an Alanon meeting and share these feelings. The more you get to know you, the greater the chnances for a healthy relationship next time. It can help you deal with the loss, too.
warmly,
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Old 09-01-2005, 04:00 PM
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Unfortunately, A's are often manipulative and just as often, liars. Not all, but most. Once he was sure you would no longer play his game, he's taken his ball and gone home-and is most likely looking for an easier co-dependent.
yup - talked to a friend today - apparently the boy's been calling her all the time, freaking out, etc. we had a long talk about boundaries and codependence. incidentally, this was one of the friends that wanted me to stay in touch with him, but she gets it.

when she was telling me everything he's been going through, i wanted to call him but went for a walk instead... i'm proud of me.

thanks for the advice, i really, really appreciate it... maybe i'll check out al-anon.
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