lunasol

ok, so i've detached from a boy who is/was a really good friend and i love a lot but is an alcoholic. this is really hard - i've known him for less than a year, but we quickly developed a really intense emotional bond and a quite amazing friendship. to complicate matters, i developed romantic feelings which make this even harder.

i recently moved cities and thought i could just be the person who called him once a week and urged him to go into treatment, etc. but once i left, he started doing the addict routine where he disapears for a while, does horrible, self-destructive things, then calls when he's looking for redemption. i realized that i just can't do this. it drives me crazy when he witdraws and upsets me when he finally calls.

it was hard, because while i was still around, he kept his behavior in check, but once i left, he started spiraling out of control. so all our mutual friends wanted me to stay in touch with him because i'm a "stabilizing influence." by the way, he was also hiding his drinking from me for a long time - he had gone to treatment before and was supposed to be sober. this is probably why his behavior was less out-of-control when i was around.

but i read "codependent no more" and got some good wisdom from friends who have been in similar situations and realized that a) i can't rescue him and b) i need to get some distance. if we lived in the same city, maybe i could stay in his life, but being long-distance, it's just too hard. i really need to move on.

so, when he called me last week, i told him "i care about you sooooo much, but i think you're killing your potential and all the things i love about you. when you decide to go into treatment i'll do whatever i can to help you, but until then, i can't be the person you go to to feel better about your addiction." he said he understood, we talked a little while longer, he said he'd keep in touch, but i knew he wouldn't and so far he hasn't.

so... now i'm trying to move on. i'm keeping myself busy, seeing friends, setting up my life here. but i keep thinking about him, wondering if i'll ever see him again. i find myself fixating. i also find myself questioning my decision to detach, wondering if i could do it in a way that will keep us from being estranged as we are now, but that will also allow me to keep my peace of mind.

so, i guess i don't really have a question, i'm just looking for some support/wisdom...