It's going to hit the fan
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Faith without works is dead
Posts: 26
Im so sorry that you are hurting. After all the effort you put towards his recovery. It is clear that he does not want help. He is not ready to change. Why didnt he call her for the money to get home? He is sick yet he is okay to be out drinking. Ugh.
When I broke up with xbf I told him "I would rather be sure by myself than unsure with you." That was the truth. It felt good to say it. I had enough.
This too shall pass...
Sending you lots of al-anon love and recovery hugs. May you sleep with the angels.
When I broke up with xbf I told him "I would rather be sure by myself than unsure with you." That was the truth. It felt good to say it. I had enough.
This too shall pass...
Sending you lots of al-anon love and recovery hugs. May you sleep with the angels.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Thank you all for your words of support. Unfortunately other than for the split second it takes me to read them, that's as long as I feel better. I am so hurt by all of this and yet I knew to expect it. It kills me.
The real kicker is our daughter. She says to me, "Don't worry Mommy I knew Daddy wasn't telling me the truth. I knew he wasn't going to come home." OMG!! She's 5! That hurts more than anything. The pain that he causes her. How do you do that to a little girl. Make promises to her that you know you aren't going to keep.
I just want to curl into a ball and stay there. Stay in bed and never come out. I was doing so well before all of this rehab garbage. Darn hope came back into my life again and sent me sailing 50 steps backwards. I am trying to get an appointment today with the counselor I have seen a few times......something has to help. I just feel like I can't go on anymore. I just don't understand why life has to be so hard. Why do I keep giving to a man who just doesn't realize how much I love him. The pain is almost unbearable and I have to snap out of this funk. From prior experience I know that before I snap out of it, I will withdraw way inside. No one will reach me. I just want to be alone to wallow in self pity.
The real kicker is our daughter. She says to me, "Don't worry Mommy I knew Daddy wasn't telling me the truth. I knew he wasn't going to come home." OMG!! She's 5! That hurts more than anything. The pain that he causes her. How do you do that to a little girl. Make promises to her that you know you aren't going to keep.
I just want to curl into a ball and stay there. Stay in bed and never come out. I was doing so well before all of this rehab garbage. Darn hope came back into my life again and sent me sailing 50 steps backwards. I am trying to get an appointment today with the counselor I have seen a few times......something has to help. I just feel like I can't go on anymore. I just don't understand why life has to be so hard. Why do I keep giving to a man who just doesn't realize how much I love him. The pain is almost unbearable and I have to snap out of this funk. From prior experience I know that before I snap out of it, I will withdraw way inside. No one will reach me. I just want to be alone to wallow in self pity.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Leem - I'm so sorry for what you are going through, it's like reliving my own nightmare. I had the same realization one day, that even the young children "know" what's going. I'ts amazing how they can say such adult things sometimes. I think one of the worst things about this disease is it forces the young ones to grow up too fast. You gotta hang in there bud!!!! You can do this!!!
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Sweetie, your not alone. We have all been run over by the ALcoholic Express...choo choo!
Know when we dont get run over by it anymore?..... When we step off the tracks.
We we take ourselves out of the way of a raging alcoholic, and get on our own train of recovery, of self care, of self love...we dont get run over.
When we dont enable, dont pay thier bills, dont bail them out.....we have plently of time to focus on things such as surrounding ourselves with people who do give us love, whose words do match thier actions, people who support us.
No one learns lessons without pain. It hurts, but its necesary to make changes. I see you are making a change now, and thats what counts!
Keep coming back, friend. You are going to be ok!!
Know when we dont get run over by it anymore?..... When we step off the tracks.
We we take ourselves out of the way of a raging alcoholic, and get on our own train of recovery, of self care, of self love...we dont get run over.
When we dont enable, dont pay thier bills, dont bail them out.....we have plently of time to focus on things such as surrounding ourselves with people who do give us love, whose words do match thier actions, people who support us.
No one learns lessons without pain. It hurts, but its necesary to make changes. I see you are making a change now, and thats what counts!
Keep coming back, friend. You are going to be ok!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 9
My husband and I were separated for 4 months when he finally made the choice to go to rehab. And he didn't make that choice until I had really detached and stopped focusing on him. He really had nothing left, except for myself and his family, who would support him only in sobriety. So he sucked it up and went, ultimately for himself. It never would have worked if we had coerced him to get there.
My h too suffers from dual diagnosis. After his first month in rehab, he went to another facility that specialized in dd, and stayed for two months. I have to hand it to the counselors there, becuase they really had his number. Once he opened up a bit, and was really honest, he began to heal and manage his disease/s. This was ten months ago, and It has been a long road since then - one relapse, and a lot of soul searching. He is almost to six months sober. We are still separated, but are great friends again, and have the possibility of a reconciliation. It is a daily struggle still not to focus on him and his recovery and what he is doing, etc.
Anyway, I am sorry for what you are going through, I know it is hard.
Marg
My h too suffers from dual diagnosis. After his first month in rehab, he went to another facility that specialized in dd, and stayed for two months. I have to hand it to the counselors there, becuase they really had his number. Once he opened up a bit, and was really honest, he began to heal and manage his disease/s. This was ten months ago, and It has been a long road since then - one relapse, and a lot of soul searching. He is almost to six months sober. We are still separated, but are great friends again, and have the possibility of a reconciliation. It is a daily struggle still not to focus on him and his recovery and what he is doing, etc.
Anyway, I am sorry for what you are going through, I know it is hard.
Marg
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
You guys really are great. Thanks for your words. I have an appointment set up with the counselor in an hour and will probably cry the whole time. I had originally tried to get a priest but turns out he is a former one, so I guess I lucked out. The reason I got him is because I grew up a good little Catholic girl. And you know, till death do us part and in sickness and health. I want him to tell me it's ok for me to let go. That I won't go to hell for bailing out on him because he's sick. I have tried so hard to hang on and be a good wife and good Christian and I just need to know it's ok.
So I told AH to have the divorce papers I gave him 3 months ago at the house signed TODAY or that I would bring them over to his girlfriend's later and then he will be forced to sign them right in front of her.
I can't stop the tears. Are there any happy people in the world? I remember growing up and the world seemed so much happier then.
So I told AH to have the divorce papers I gave him 3 months ago at the house signed TODAY or that I would bring them over to his girlfriend's later and then he will be forced to sign them right in front of her.
I can't stop the tears. Are there any happy people in the world? I remember growing up and the world seemed so much happier then.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
"It's always darkest before the dawn", my Mom used to tell me and I've always found that to be true.
I'm a firm believer that nothing happens by circumstance. That everything is planned out by God. The dark trials we go through are the times when we're learning and growing and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
You (and I, too, in my own situation, but I'm hanging onto Hope) can't see that, yet, but in a year from now..........you may look back and just be amazed at how far you've come.
If you go over to his gf's to get him to sign the divorce papers today, can you take somebody with you? A good friend or an older family member (not the kids). You may be even able to call for assistance at the police department to be there when he's asked to sign.
If he says "No, I won't sign them"....he doesn't have to by law. So, be prepared for that. We can't make them do anything. But, you can take him to court for divorce and get an attorney and IF he contests it then, it's his dime and if he loses, which is likely, then you could get him to pay for your attorney's/court fees, too.
It's gonna be okay. "sometimes God calms the storms and other times, He calms the child".
((hugs))
I'm a firm believer that nothing happens by circumstance. That everything is planned out by God. The dark trials we go through are the times when we're learning and growing and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
You (and I, too, in my own situation, but I'm hanging onto Hope) can't see that, yet, but in a year from now..........you may look back and just be amazed at how far you've come.
If you go over to his gf's to get him to sign the divorce papers today, can you take somebody with you? A good friend or an older family member (not the kids). You may be even able to call for assistance at the police department to be there when he's asked to sign.
If he says "No, I won't sign them"....he doesn't have to by law. So, be prepared for that. We can't make them do anything. But, you can take him to court for divorce and get an attorney and IF he contests it then, it's his dime and if he loses, which is likely, then you could get him to pay for your attorney's/court fees, too.
It's gonna be okay. "sometimes God calms the storms and other times, He calms the child".
((hugs))
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by leem03
From prior experience I know that before I snap out of it, I will withdraw way inside. No one will reach me. I just want to be alone to wallow in self pity.
Ah, what about your daughter? Don't be so selfish and take care of her, don't make her take care of you, after all, she is only 5!
I don't know how much of this she is seeing and experiencing, but it sounds like maybe a little too much. You are the adult and you are going through hell right now, please, please don't take an innocent 5 year old down that road with you, she certainly doesn't deseve that. Put her first right now and try and not say anything bad to her about her daddy, let her figure it out on her own when she is old enough. He is her daddy and regardless of his illness, she does love him, and she loves you too. When she sees your pain, she is in pain to even though she isn't sure why.
Please, I don't mean to be harsh, but you have to do what is right for this beautiful child you have in your care. Please think about that!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
I would never do anything like that to my daughter. I never speak badly about him to her. I only tell her that he is sick. I have already arranged for my dad to pick her up from preschool today.
So he did it. He came over and signed the papers. I am DYING right now. You know I really didn't want him to sign them. I want him to be scared like the last time and beg me to take him back. But he didn't he signed them. OMG I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm trying to take deep breaths but I can't. I can barely breathe. I gave him the ultimatum and he signed them this time.
It's a good thing he signed them really, right? I need to let him go, right? So why the hell is this so hard when I know it has to be the right thing to do. He will not change, so I have to be better off without him.
So he did it. He came over and signed the papers. I am DYING right now. You know I really didn't want him to sign them. I want him to be scared like the last time and beg me to take him back. But he didn't he signed them. OMG I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm trying to take deep breaths but I can't. I can barely breathe. I gave him the ultimatum and he signed them this time.
It's a good thing he signed them really, right? I need to let him go, right? So why the hell is this so hard when I know it has to be the right thing to do. He will not change, so I have to be better off without him.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Sweetie, deep breaths now. You issued an ultimatum and now you have to live with the consequences. That's a natural law. This is where it is dangerous when we issue threats that we don't fully intend to carry out. That said, I think you know that this cycle is going to continue until HE decides he wants it to stop. So, you know are doing the right thing for you and the little one, even though it hurts so much.
It's hard because change is hard. And because you are grieving for what might have been.
I wish I could take away your pain, but I do believe that you have to work through this. You have all of us here for support.
It's hard because change is hard. And because you are grieving for what might have been.
I wish I could take away your pain, but I do believe that you have to work through this. You have all of us here for support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Leem -
You have no idea how much relief you are going to feel when you have a little more time and distance from what has been happening.
You will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. You will no longer have to live that terrible alcoholic cycle. Fear and grief and hope and round and round again and again. You will wake up in the morning and not have to wonder if this is the day he is going to drink again, is he off seeing his girl friend or is he going to get a DUI. Will he show up tonight? What kind of mood will he be in?
When you let yourself, you will be able to look at life in a much more positive way because you will be in charge of your life without having to worry about the consequences of someone else's actions. It is hard to let go of the dream but once you start to, life becomes soooooooo much easier.
My words are true for me and I know that they can be for you too. Big hugs to help you get through this terrible time and to get you started on the beginning of a new and wonderful life.
Hugs, Jo
You have no idea how much relief you are going to feel when you have a little more time and distance from what has been happening.
You will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. You will no longer have to live that terrible alcoholic cycle. Fear and grief and hope and round and round again and again. You will wake up in the morning and not have to wonder if this is the day he is going to drink again, is he off seeing his girl friend or is he going to get a DUI. Will he show up tonight? What kind of mood will he be in?
When you let yourself, you will be able to look at life in a much more positive way because you will be in charge of your life without having to worry about the consequences of someone else's actions. It is hard to let go of the dream but once you start to, life becomes soooooooo much easier.
My words are true for me and I know that they can be for you too. Big hugs to help you get through this terrible time and to get you started on the beginning of a new and wonderful life.
Hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Faith without works is dead
Posts: 26
Leem,
You are like a little girl who wants some candy, but is given veggies by her mom instead. Looks like your HP has something better/healthier for you. Dont be afraid, this too shall pass. Your HP will carry you through one moment at a time.
Also, I hear you challenging your religious beliefs (about being "bad" for letting this go)through this. Good for you to have the courage to do that. I know my HP doesnt think you are bad. My HP believes you are one of his children and as one of his children, you deserve to be treated with love, honor, and respect.
I heard something interesting in a meeting the other day. The person sharing said
"go figure it out' isnt one of our slogans. Let go and let God, one day at a time, easy does it, etc. - these are our slogans.
Sleep peacefully with the angels tonight....
You are like a little girl who wants some candy, but is given veggies by her mom instead. Looks like your HP has something better/healthier for you. Dont be afraid, this too shall pass. Your HP will carry you through one moment at a time.
Also, I hear you challenging your religious beliefs (about being "bad" for letting this go)through this. Good for you to have the courage to do that. I know my HP doesnt think you are bad. My HP believes you are one of his children and as one of his children, you deserve to be treated with love, honor, and respect.
I heard something interesting in a meeting the other day. The person sharing said
"go figure it out' isnt one of our slogans. Let go and let God, one day at a time, easy does it, etc. - these are our slogans.
Sleep peacefully with the angels tonight....
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Sorry I sounded so harsh, but when I read your post I was immediately concerned for you but VERY conccerned about your daughter. I am sooo glad to hear you are putting her needs and mental healthy first and then taking care of yourself.
Hang in there, time will ease the pain and you will be fine. You have lived with an alcoholic so I know you are strong. Look deep within and find that strength and move forward, one day at a time and the pain will ease.
Hang in there, time will ease the pain and you will be fine. You have lived with an alcoholic so I know you are strong. Look deep within and find that strength and move forward, one day at a time and the pain will ease.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Thank you all seriously from the bottom of my heart. My heart is broken into a million pieces and i really don't know what to do to start to put it back together. Yes, one day at a time. I am trying my best to try to stay positive and focused.
He signed off on selling the house, the divorce and even child custody. I had put a stipulation on the custody papers that he would get visitation IF he completed a state certified alcohol treatment program. He said why should I sign this. I said because I refuse to let her be with you and worry about her all day because you may decide to drink. And let's face it, you don't spend any time with her now so what's the difference. He was pretty evil to me yesterday after he signed the papers. I told him it was the last time he would talk to me. So he sent me nasty text messages about how now he's going to file bankruptcy and screw me. That he was going to have the utilities shut off because they're in his name. And that how dare I say that he is a bad dad? I didn't specifically say that, I just said he's never around her so why bother. But he is a bad dad. He can't even make time for his daughter. This poor little girl is the sweetest child ever and she deserves better. She isn't so upset that he lied to her, but I am. Why do you make a promise to your daughter that you're going to go and get better to come home to you and mommy and not follow through with it. That hurts me. I hate to be the one to have to explain his "sickness." It just isn't fair. She deserves her dad in her life. She deserves to be loved by him. It kills me that he can't even do that. How do you not find enough strength to take care of your own child? You know how.........he knows I will always be there for her, so I guess he assumes that's enough.
Sorry for rambling. I just don't know what to do with myself. I haven't told my parents yet what's happened because I was so full of hope that this time it would be different. So my cousin knows and his parents. And I just want to scream it to the world so that someone can just give me a big hug & let me know that we are all going to be ok.
He signed off on selling the house, the divorce and even child custody. I had put a stipulation on the custody papers that he would get visitation IF he completed a state certified alcohol treatment program. He said why should I sign this. I said because I refuse to let her be with you and worry about her all day because you may decide to drink. And let's face it, you don't spend any time with her now so what's the difference. He was pretty evil to me yesterday after he signed the papers. I told him it was the last time he would talk to me. So he sent me nasty text messages about how now he's going to file bankruptcy and screw me. That he was going to have the utilities shut off because they're in his name. And that how dare I say that he is a bad dad? I didn't specifically say that, I just said he's never around her so why bother. But he is a bad dad. He can't even make time for his daughter. This poor little girl is the sweetest child ever and she deserves better. She isn't so upset that he lied to her, but I am. Why do you make a promise to your daughter that you're going to go and get better to come home to you and mommy and not follow through with it. That hurts me. I hate to be the one to have to explain his "sickness." It just isn't fair. She deserves her dad in her life. She deserves to be loved by him. It kills me that he can't even do that. How do you not find enough strength to take care of your own child? You know how.........he knows I will always be there for her, so I guess he assumes that's enough.
Sorry for rambling. I just don't know what to do with myself. I haven't told my parents yet what's happened because I was so full of hope that this time it would be different. So my cousin knows and his parents. And I just want to scream it to the world so that someone can just give me a big hug & let me know that we are all going to be ok.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
I know how hard it is and how hurt you feel...I have tried and tried to help my AH as well..We can either be victims or survivors...WE gotta try to be survivors..I know its hard..You can do it!!! Be a survivor!! 
We can all help each other through it..
We can all help each other through it..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Thanks Dakoda & End.
I will NOT be taking his phone calls, however I jump at the chance to read any text messages or voice mails that he may leave. I haven't gotten any today, but that really bothers me more. I'd rather have nasty stuff come across than nothing, because at least then I know he's thinking about me. I know he's only saying the mean things because he's hurt and he's trying to hurt me back. What a nice game to play.
End you are right we all have to stick together through this. Today was the first time in a while that I have been able to respond to other people's posts. It amazes me at the advice I'm able to give out to other people, that I just can't simply follow myself. It's always so much easier when you're on the outside looking in. That's why the support is so important, the more we keep hearing these positive thoughts, the better we all become.
I'm almost empowering myself now......who would've thought that? It's just a part of the cycle too. I get better for a little while and then back down to the bottom again. I just keep hoping that the ups start lasting a little longer than the downs.
I will NOT be taking his phone calls, however I jump at the chance to read any text messages or voice mails that he may leave. I haven't gotten any today, but that really bothers me more. I'd rather have nasty stuff come across than nothing, because at least then I know he's thinking about me. I know he's only saying the mean things because he's hurt and he's trying to hurt me back. What a nice game to play.
End you are right we all have to stick together through this. Today was the first time in a while that I have been able to respond to other people's posts. It amazes me at the advice I'm able to give out to other people, that I just can't simply follow myself. It's always so much easier when you're on the outside looking in. That's why the support is so important, the more we keep hearing these positive thoughts, the better we all become.
I'm almost empowering myself now......who would've thought that? It's just a part of the cycle too. I get better for a little while and then back down to the bottom again. I just keep hoping that the ups start lasting a little longer than the downs.
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