queenofthehwy

I'm not to sure how to put this into words, but here goes......

I cheated on my ah about 7 years ago. I don't want to say ah forced me to it but, I don't think I would have done it if he hadn't been a drunk a$$. I do regret it very much and wish I would have handled my emotions in a different way. Anyway ah and I did get a divorce and then ended up getting back together and married again.

Since that time I have never ever even thought about being unfaithful. It would be a deal breaker if I did. He likes to remind me every once in awhile of what I did, he does this if I say anything about him drinking!!! So why in the hell is it okay for him to continue drinking then, should it be okay for me to go cheat on him. If he expects me to be okay with him drinking, when time and time again he has promised not to, would he be okay with me cheating???

He says it hurt him so bad and I'm sure it did, but him drinking and everything that goes with it has hurt me too. So is his hurt more important than mine??

And yes I know that cheating is worse in so many ways, but still.

Mindi

best

He needs to find out what true forgiveness is.

Forgive means to let it go and not bring it up again.

Daily you forgive him for his drinking. Be the example.

minnie

Well I never! An alcoholic shifting the attention to their partner to change the subject away from their drinking!

Hon, this is not a competition about pain. It's part of the alcoholic "game". It sounds like he's trying to keep you with him by playing on your guilt. Is it working?

gelfling

Minnie seems to have hit the nail on the head. He's using your past to keep you attached to him and take the attention off his drinking.

Not fair!!! It's a low blow. Tell him that what you did was in the past and over and what he's doing NOW is the issue. Let him know it's a cop-out on his part to use that as an excuse for his excessive drinking and that most men would have gotten over it by now....totally my thoughts and opinion.

Just thinking about it hurts my heart. Actually, I'm getting pretty angry about it. I think you're being a very courageous person. Most would have said, "$crew it" and had another affair.

Good luck.

escape artist

yep Minnie said it- it is a game. He wants to keep you in it with guilt. you can't blame yourself either for reaching out to get your emotional needs met by someone else (albeit it may have hurt you more in the end-but you have learned something then tho right?)
as hardcore as i am accused of being of-my suggestion would probably be very unproductive. but i would remind him that maybe his emotional unavailability led me to go astray and he better start stepping up to the plate or i may need to go again.

that is the funny thing about this disease as the codependent person is supposed to always be there for them, but not vice versa, and actually it is the codependent who would benefit by having someone to love-but it is usually the addict who ends up in the affair.

i tried many times to warn my future ex-husband that his marriage is going to end up like most of his friends' and family!
the spouse would divorce them and marry someone else and the addict is left standing in the cold, without their kids, wondering what the hell happened. He still didn't believe it. the number of people in his life that this happened to is unbelievable! i am beginning to think that he thinks THAT is NORMAL, and an actual healthy loving relationship without being wasted is not!

GettingBy

I think Minnie has put it perfectly. He's trying to bait you sharing his guilt for what he's doing NOW. If you've made amends for the affair, which it sounds like you have, I would let the comments go. Don't give him what he's looking for, which is a fight or some sort of reaction from you.

Yuck. Sometimes alcholism can be so ugly and hurtful.

Cap3

If hub jumped over the bridge,would you follow him,and jump of too?lol.Of course not.Recovery is about me,not anyone else.I was sick,spiritually,mentally,and phyically.I needed to heal,inside.recovery,no matter what others are saying/doing.This is what changed my life,.The eye for an eye,dissapears.I just don't want to hurt myself,anymore.And taking,negitive/hurtful actions,because others are not performing the way i think they should,will, only bring ME down.not another.I hurt myself,not another.So if there are harsh words,in the future,ive also given another lots of amunition,to get back at me,and hurt me with it.Why bother?its just not about them,but about myself and my recovery,changing my life,so that i can be happy and free from all that kind of "stuff",that blocks my happiness.Start keeping my side of the street clean.This makes for a heathier....me,,when i work on my own recovery.And let go,of another to muck about.Let go,let God,
Thanks for letting me share,
god Bless,take care!!!!!!!!

zoe

My Dr. Phil moment!!! When there are problems in a relationship you never go outside of it to find the answer. You stay and work it out or leave for good and then find someone new. Does this mean that your spouse should throw it in your face and use it as an excuse to continue with their own behaviour? NO!!!! If you let him continue to use it he will.

Aquiana

I think everyone else already said it. He's making you feel guilty so his own behaviour is acceptable. The affair is in the past and if he says he forgives you for it, it should stay there.

For the record, I'm not sure I think an affair is worse than drinking. At least for me, it's just another lie. After the constant stream of lies I get on a daily basis, I'm not sure I'd be any more surprised, or hurt by an affair than I am by any other lie he's told. Lies and deception are lies and deception no matter what other activity it was combined with. That's if it was him that had one. For us, it's pretty hard not to think about it when the love and respect we need is completely lacking. I can't blame ya.

splendra

Drinking is a lot like having an affair IMO both take a person away from family....

CatsTail

My ex used to pull stuff like that all the time. I didn't have an affair but I packed up and moved back to my house while he was at work because of the way he was treating me. For the next 5 months he threw that in my face every chance he could, meanwhile he's out gallavanting around going out dancing with other women. Throwing that in my face was only to take the focus off of him and what he was doing.

So as a result we never dealt with why I left never worked anything out and I ended up kicking him out of my house for good.

Ngaire

queenofthehwy

Thanks guys!!! I agree he is just trying to make himself feel okay about what he's doing now. And I do think he is using my guilt to keep me with him. He likes to remind me how selfish it was of me to do that to our family. Hmmm what he's doing isn't???ha ha!!!
Okay here's the second part of the story.....I ended up pregnant with the other guys baby. My baby is now 6 and ah accepts him, but he won't let me say anything about my sons dad. I have wanted to send pictures to him, but ah said if I did I should send myself with them. His dad wants to see him, but he said he didn't want to cause problems with our family. He said anytime that it would not upset everything that he wants to know his son, but I don't see that happening ever not with ah in the picture.

CatsTail

I think it is important that your son get to know his Dad and to hell with your very manipulative, controlling A. It's not fair for your son not to know his Dad.



Maybe it's time to rethink your relationship with your A.

Ngaire

queenofthehwy

I really am!!!! It is so hard for me, I have been with him since I was 18 it's like he's all I know. Scarey!!!
The really sad part about all of this is that my sons dad is such a great guy, I really don't know why I broke it off with him. (oh wait I remember, he didn't need to be fixed so I felt useless)

CatsTail

hahahahahahaah That's right, you've got that right.

But look at it this way "Have you fixed your A?" Really you are living your life around him, being controlled and manipulated by him and also your son is too.

When we can get past that needing to fix another and get on with our own life and fix it, it's amazing what we accomplish for ourselves.

Ngaire

dax

I think cheating is MUCH worse. Drinkinng is an addictive behavior. Yes he should hit bottom and stop but he might never. You have to decide if you want to stay with him. Good lord- If he treats another person son conceived during an affair.with love and respect, I think he has a some very redeming quatlities. And I can see why he does not want you to have anything to do with the man you cheated with. I am sure he feels threatened. Too bad the child has to suffer because of an affair. I think when you son is old enough , he should be told the whole truth and be allowed to decide if he wants to see his father. affair really do hurt lots of people. It sounds like you are angry enough to do it again. I hope not. This will always be a thorn to contend with. If you got back with him when he was still drinking, he see this a a sign you can live with it. If he had a slip, it is a different story. I have long ago forgiven my husband for his years of drinking,. The affair was so long term, I can not- and I know it would be healthier for me if i could. But I can't. I accept this and go on. dax

queenofthehwy

he doesn't really treat anyone with love and respect.

I would not cheat again I have learned my lesson and would not choose that way of dealing again. I made a mistake and have moved on.
He hasn't learned and keeps doing it over and over.

walkingtheline

As I understand this, you were married, you cheated. You and AH got a divorce. From this affair you were blessed with a son. I think everyone agrees the cheating was wrong, so that became an issue between you, your AH and God.

YOu and AH started seeing each other again, he said "I forgive you, I love you, I want to marry you again." You said, "Sure".

Here's where it all breaks down. It appears the AH hasn't actually forgiven you. For years he has used your infidelity as a weapon. It's his version on Hester's big red "A", he wants to remind you over and over and over that you made a HUGE mistake and he wants you to pay for it forever.

You're son has a dad. It's NOT your AH. Your AH knows it, your son knows it, you know it. It was known prior to your remarriage to your AH. Now, because your AH has remained unforgiven of you, he is controling your son AND your son's relationship with his father. Sorry, but IMHO that's not loving or respectful. It's unfair to your child and it's unfair to the child's father.

I suspect denying a child of a parent is going to be an "issue" for the child forever. Everyone wants to know who's blood courses thru their veins. Adoptees seek out birth parents. People trace their family roots. Human nature seems to drive us to know our ancestors.

All the power has been given to your AH. That's the bottom line. You have the option to change things by facilitating what ever it is your son needs to be emotionally healthy. The child's father has the option to seek legal visitation. Instead, your AH is directing the show with your permission and that of your son's father.

Look at it in the way the courts should: What is in the best interest of the child? It doesn't really matter HOW he was conceived. What matters is: What's best for him? As his parent, I think whatever the answer is to that question is what should drive you.

WTL...climbing off the soapbox now

wraybear

Queen, on a scale from one to ten, cheating may be a ten, and drinking is a 9.9. But of course, in God's book, a sin is a sin is a sin. I like to look at drinking as committing adultery with a bottle. That comes first. before their family, before their wife, before everything. And, i believe a sin is a sin is a sin. The affair can be forgiven. The drinking and all that goes along with it can be forgiven. But, he isn't there yet as he continues to have his affair with his bottle, over and over and over again. So, you can forgive him, but until he gets help and starts making amends, you will have to forgive him every day, every hour, every minute - especially if you choose to live with him. You haven't continued in your sin! Thank God for that!

I hope he will seek help soon. I hope you can find the strength to allow your son to see his father. I think it's best to do what is in our children's best interest, and not what our insane addicts think we should do. Peace!

walkingtheline

WOW, wraybear! Three words were never so true.