queenofthehwy

WTL and Wray you guys are right on!!!! Why can't I seem to be strong enough to say listen his dad is going to see him, either deal with it or not! I have 2 older kids that don't know anything about it and I think he thinks they never should know!!! I know that if I did let C. see his real dad ah would probably do something crazy and life would be unbearable.

escape artist

it's the betrayal one both parts- drinking or cheating that kills us.

dax

Was he still drinking when you remarried him? If so Why? Was the father of this son married also at the time of the affair. This could be big complications and more people hurt. Remembealcohlism is an addiction- cheating isn't. At least in this case.

CatsTail

Is it possible to make a decision based on what is best for your son?

Your son when he is older may end up with some big time issues over this and you may end up being part of the fall out.

Is your sons real Dad a stable guy? If he's a stable guy without addiction in his life it may be beneficial for him to get to know him and if the Dad is asking to see him.......................

Don't forget one thing A's do things because it is benefiting them. Your A controls everything about your life including your son with no thought to the impact on your son. And you can't expect your A to make a responsible decision he's only going to do what is good for him and his illness. Selfish is a word that springs to mind.

You are the one who has to take control here.

By your posts I see you live in alot of fear over your As reaction to things.but is this how you want to live?

Ngaire

queenofthehwy

Yes, he puts on a good act you know just enough to keep you hangin on.
no he wasn't but he is now.
is this how you want to live?[QUOTE]
no, not at all, but I am so scared, of him.

dax

This is an extremely complicated situation. If you other 2 sons do not know of the affair , it might really upset them. The other man's new wife might really also object to him having contact with you because of the son. Does she know he has a son by you? But sooner of later it is all going to come out and lots of children are going to be hurt. I think you need to get professional counseling on this. Best of luck. dax

CatsTail

Hi,

I think Dax made a good suggestion. Perhaps talking to a counsellor about it all may help you to clarify your situation.

If the your sons father is a stable guy I think it would be imperative for your son to meet him and get to know him.

Look, my son just lost his father to cancer so he no longer has a Dad. Don't take away your sons opportunity to know his Dad if it is a beneficial situation for him.

If worse comes to worse and your A acts in a totally self-centered way about this (which he will) are you able to take action which will be good for you and your kids?

Ngaire

walkingtheline

This is the scariest thing you've said

Are you in danger? IMHO, this statement changes EVERYTHING!

wraybear

just a question, only you know for sure... when you say you are scared of him, do you mean scared he will hurt you? scared he will hurt one of the kids? This may warrant some real soul searching on your part.

I know this is very complicated.

My mother had "secrets" in her past that we didn't find out about until after she died a few years ago. Nothing as complicated as your situation, but things that may have helped us kids understand a little better. Her father was an alcoholic and committed suicide. She had been married before she married my father. She had said his family never liked her or accepted her, but we never knew why... now we know it was because she wasn't catholic and she was a divorced woman!

I believe honesty is the best policy. But, I also believe there are things that we shouldn't tell if it will truly hurt someone deeply. Not to lie, but just don't tell. I think it is best for you to do some soul searching and counseling. DO YOU THINK IT IS IN YOUR SON'S BEST INTEREST TO SEE HIS BIOLOGICAL DAD? yes or no. If the answer is no, then tell your AH that, and tell him it is time to forgive and move on. If the answer is yes, then you need to figure out the best plan on accomplishing this - which may include telling your other children. Does the other man want to see his son? Does his wife know? A counselor may be the best person to help you determine the best way to accomplish this.

I hope you can have some "closure" to this and make a decision that YOU are going to be able to live with.

Queen, I know your H is an addict, and they are insane and we shouldn't expect them to think sanely. So, you must do all the "thinking" and decision making on your own, which is sometimes a pain in the rear, but that's the life we lead. I hope you feel good about whatever you decide to do.

Keep us posted. Take care of yourself and those wonderful children.

CatsTail

Yes are you in potential physical danger? Perhaps you need to think about this and talk to a counsellor?

Ngaire

queenofthehwy

I don't think he would hurt the kids. I do think he might try to hurt me, he gets scarey sometimes, it's not like he beats me or anything. Also he would make my life miserable you know misery loves company type thing.
Yes, I think so, but I don't know how much damage it will cause for the rest of us because of the reaction of ah. Does that make any sense?
As long as we keep the status quo then no, if I push the issue, then who knows???