emily33

I told my H lastnight that I needed more positive attention from him, he looked at me like I am insane, and automatically became defensive.

He started making excuses of how busy he has been, and how he is doing this all for me. I quickly dropped it as I knew where it was going to head.

I have tried to come up with things that we can do together, go to my son's baseball game, he just doesnt get the thrill out of going like I do.

I have asked him to go to the park with our daughter and her friend while they ride around and play on the playground, he declines.

As we dont have alot of extra money to go out, I try to do things that dont cost anything, like going to the park, my son's baseball games, his hockey games, take the dog for a walk, go for bike rides, go camping for the weekend, go to my parents up north. He just dont want to be involved, because he is always to busy, or irritated, or angry, or sleepy, or in a bad mood. I use to get angry with him and fight with him about it, you know "you never spend anytime with me", now I tell him where we are going and he is welcome to come, with of course the usual response, so off we go, while he is at home.

Dont get me wrong, me and the kids always have fun, but I get this empty feeling, because sometimes I would like to say, look, look at what she is doing and enjoy and laugh, and share pride with someone who cares.

I know that there is nothing I can do to get him more involved, so I have stopped trying.

I am doing things to keep busy, I am staying active with my kids, I am starting to go out a little bit with friends. This emptiness is inside of me isnt it???

I have to figure what I need to do for myself so I am not so lonely.

Shopping does it for a minute

Kids and there activities keep me occupied

Work keeps me busy

It is when I am alone by myself, I dont like it, I am looking for my H to fill in the gaps, he cant and shouldnt, I need to fill them in.

How can I be at peace and not fill lonely, how can I be satisfied with what I have and not always want more. I think maybe I need to say to myself everyday how lucky I am to have my home, appreciate central air on days like today. Maybe I need to stop taking for granted what I have and start appreciating things more.

walkingtheline

HUGE questions.

You're right, no one else should be "needed" for your happiness, others should enhance it.

Have you considered a gratitude journal? It's amazing the "good" we have in our life that we don't always realize...kind of a can't-see-the-forest-for-the-trees thing.

I often get the feeling when I read your posts that you're dancing around what could be the real issue. Many of your post revolve around your marriage and the family interaction. Perhaps you could ask yourself Is this the life I want? Then continue, If it is, why am I so discontent? If it's not, how can I change it to better suit my needs?

The marvelous thing we've all come to realize is we have the power to change our own lives! If you're like me, you get bogged down on how to use it.

I have found making a list helpful. There's something satifying about seeing things written down and, once a solution is found, it's very satisfying to cross them off the list!

One more q. Is it possible you're lonely for ADULT interaction? Is it possible that you just want more adult conversation? Interacting with the children is wonderful...but sometimes we just want to be an adult!

JessicaNAJ

Emily -

I have one question. What do you do for you???

Sapphoness

It sounds like you do appreciate what you have, but that doesn't make you any less lonely for the companionship of you husband. Wanting the attention of your husband doesn't make you selfish!!! Did you used spend more time together and alone? did he used to be more attentive and affectionate? if so, why do you think that changed? At least you aren't letting his non participation hold you back from doing things.

Pick-a-name

I understand completely; as he disease has progressed, he becomes "farther" away; although not fall-down-drunk, in fact those who do not know him well would probably not guess he has been drinking ; I would describe it as " the lights are on but nobody's home"...it is sad and lonely..........he is there in body but I do so much miss HIM.

FormerDoormat

I agree PickaName. It is sad and lonely. So sad to watch them slip away from those they love.

benefits

Emily I don't think there is anything wrong with you for wanting your H to share in things with you. My son's father never wanted to be bothered with our son when we were together and I got to the point where I didn't even want him to be with us because on the rare occasions he was along he just made the experience miserable because he would much rather be doing something else. But I never gave up that desire to have someone in my life that can actually share in things with me. For a while the exABF filled that role - he would go along with me and my son and even though I could go by myself with my son it was nice having someone I love to share it with me. Unfortunately in our situation he was just on good behavior until he knew he "got me" and then he reverted back to the excessive drinking and not bothering. BUt I would still love to have someone to share things with someone to walk with me, to go to my son's games, go to the amusement park, etc. I am a happy, secure, well rounded person with a great family and some really good friends so I don't need someone to fill that role in my life but I want to find someone - there is nothing wrong with that. And I don't think there is anything wrong with you for wanting your husband to share in things with you and your kids. Just my opinion!!

myselfagain

Sounds like what I went thru for several years. I completly understand.
What you dont have and desire so much is a husband who participates in you and your childrens lifes. I wanted that also. Mine could work as much overtime as he wanted so whenever I planned anything all we heard was "I have to work, ya'll havea good time. Here, ya need some money" In his little mind money solved everyones problems.
I now refer to my EX AH as "the non-particpating husband".

queenofthehwy

emily,
Everyone made some really great points. I just wanted to say I know how you feel and I really don't believe there is anything wrong with wanting to share your life with the man you married. Hey I thought that was what it was suppose to be about.
love.
Mindi

bluester

emily,all have made excellent points. I too want to say there is nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with the man you are married to. That is what marriage is suppost to be all about.

celticpenny1

at least your aware of his not participating. i was so far in denial that i didn't even realize. an alcoholic is participating in their addiction. that takes all their time. they remove themselves emotionaly from the family. i know i've been there. the things you are missing are probley the emotions he's unable to give. an alcoholic marriage is a lonely marriage. the things you want are normal. keep going on without him. you want normal that's all.......good luck

Aquiana

Morning Emily,

I agree there is nothing wrong with wanting someone to share things with. This is supposed to be a partnership, but it feels like flying solo alot of the time. I'm at least lucky in that if I fuss enough, Abf will usually go with me. I don't feel like I should have to fuss, but at least he goes.

I don't know if it would help you any but is there anything he's interested in? I know I had to change my attitude a bit recently as far as wanting to do things with Abf. He and I have just about zero common interests and for a long time I was unwilling to do any of his. Finally I realized that since it was me that wanted to be with him more, it was me that had to try something different. I started going to some of his games, (he's a sports nut) whether I liked it or not and found that not only did I not mind going, it did bring us a little closer. I refuse to go on his big drinking nights, and I won't hang out with his drinking buddies but his more positive hobbies I decided to try. Maybe your husband has some ideas that you can do together?

Beautiful

I'm there right now. Marriage is a partnership. There is no marriage if there aren't two people in it. My AH has been given notice that he has 30 days to start progressing towards becoming an active participant in our marriage or I'm getting out.

Don't settle.