No Longer an Alcoholic?
Gardengirl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: mastic beach, NY
Posts: 3
No Longer an Alcoholic?
My husband stopped drinking about 15 years ago and stayed dry up until a few years back. I did not know my husband when he did drink. A few years ago my husband started to socially drink and has since then tried to convince me that he can do so without being an alcoholic (I forgot to mention that my husband's previous drinking habits were night and day drinking for many many years which ended up destroying his marriage).
I have noticed that he drinks excessively when he does drink (normally weekends)..like once the switch is on - it just cannot be shut off and he is exclusively nasty to me...once he is drunk. I also have found over the last year or so that he always seems angry and blames all of his problems on everyone else (he is in the midst of a failing business to boot).
I pay the bills from my job, take care of the house, and care for my daughter. I just cannot seem to fathom where the anger comes from and why it is directed at me.
If he drinks excessively I take my daughter and we go out until I think it is safe to return. I don't nag him about money. I am thinking about how to get out of my marriage but have not shared this with him.
I was wondering if this is normal behavior for someone who is an alcoholic or perhaps maybe this is another issue altogether.
One thing, when he first went back to drinking I was on his case constantly..now I act as though it does not matter a bit because to me it isn't worth the argument.
I have noticed that he drinks excessively when he does drink (normally weekends)..like once the switch is on - it just cannot be shut off and he is exclusively nasty to me...once he is drunk. I also have found over the last year or so that he always seems angry and blames all of his problems on everyone else (he is in the midst of a failing business to boot).
I pay the bills from my job, take care of the house, and care for my daughter. I just cannot seem to fathom where the anger comes from and why it is directed at me.
If he drinks excessively I take my daughter and we go out until I think it is safe to return. I don't nag him about money. I am thinking about how to get out of my marriage but have not shared this with him.
I was wondering if this is normal behavior for someone who is an alcoholic or perhaps maybe this is another issue altogether.
One thing, when he first went back to drinking I was on his case constantly..now I act as though it does not matter a bit because to me it isn't worth the argument.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
gardengirl - welcome - once an alcoholic always an alcoholic whether drinking or not. sounds like he is back in the throes of the disease. look into al-anon - it sounds like you a practicing some of the tools that the program offers. you are the one there so the blame will fall on you. you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. read what you can on this site and gain knowledge and come back often - we all try to support each other on this site - lots of folks that will share experience, strength and hope with you.
hugs - chris
hugs - chris
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
He certainly seems like an alcoholic to me and I'm sure he was if it broke up his first marriage. Alcoholism is a common reason for divorce.
You are getting detached from him. I have gotten that way myself with my husband and his drinking.
You are getting detached from him. I have gotten that way myself with my husband and his drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Gardengirl and welcome!
You're paying the bills and taking care of the kids and house? You're successful and he's failing. You're competent and he's letting his family down. That could make a person resentful. Perhaps that's why his hostility is directed at you. It is, of course, misdirected and unfair, but there it is.
Your husband's drinking is affecting your marriage. Whether one calls it alcoholism or just dumb it's a problem. I'm glad you're already thinking of an escape route, should you need it. Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
You're paying the bills and taking care of the kids and house? You're successful and he's failing. You're competent and he's letting his family down. That could make a person resentful. Perhaps that's why his hostility is directed at you. It is, of course, misdirected and unfair, but there it is.
Your husband's drinking is affecting your marriage. Whether one calls it alcoholism or just dumb it's a problem. I'm glad you're already thinking of an escape route, should you need it. Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
Gardengirl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: mastic beach, NY
Posts: 3
Thank you all so much for responding so quickly. I actually slept last night - all night. I guess realizing that I am not the bad girl here..made me feel so much better..not up thinking..what the heck did I do :-(
I looked around and found a local church that holds al-anon meetings..I was not surprised to find out that when I read down the list of symptons for codependent people....that I had all but about 3 of the symptons...guess I have issues to work on too - going there first.
I looked around and found a local church that holds al-anon meetings..I was not surprised to find out that when I read down the list of symptons for codependent people....that I had all but about 3 of the symptons...guess I have issues to work on too - going there first.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
You sound like you are describing my life!!!!
I married my husband when he had come off 7 years of sobriety. I didn't know it when I first started dating him. I also knew NOTHING about alcoholism. He drank for approximately 9 months, then decided he wanted to get married and start a new life. He quit drinking again for five years and we started our marriage off happily.
Then he too convinced me he had his drinking under control and he could drink socially which he did successfully for two years. Then he started not coming home from work on Friday evenings, no phone call, no warning, he justs disappeared for up to 12 hours and would always show up home in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes so drunk he couldn't walk. I don't know how he got home safe. This esculated for the next four years. Until his drinking ended him up in jail with a restraining order and no where to go and no one to turn to. He was ALONE with is alcoholism. Within 10 days he checked himself into treatment and happily he has been sober for six months.
During the four years he was drinking, (I now know it was nearly everyday) he too had a lot of anger directed at me. I now know that anger was not really for me, but himself, he just directed it at me. He was internally angry with himself for what he was doing. He wanted to quit and he couldn't do it by himself. He would promise to quit, he would drink, feel guilty because he failed himself and then be angry, but he couldn't be angry with himself so he directed it at me. He never laid a hand on me but he beat me severely with his mouth. Sometimes I think mental and emotional abuse is worse than a beating.
Let me tell you what you have to look forward to if he continues to drink and he will unless he wants and seeks help. His drinking will gradually go from social to excessive. He will start looking for any excuse to drink. He will accuse you of being no fun and never wanting to have fun. (fun=drinking). He will pick fights so he has a VALID excuse to drink, you know anyone with a wife who is as big a bitch as you would drink too!! He will seek confort and understanding from other women, who like to drink and have fun and yes he will have inappropriate relationships with them and the will be your fault too, after all, you won't go party and have fun with him so he will find some low life alcoholic women to partner with. He will sneak money from the budget so he can drink or he will have end up with high bar bills to be paid ( DON'T PAY THEM, MAKE HIM DEAL WITH IT). He will LIE!!!! He will lie about his drinking, he will lie about what he is doing, he will lie about who he is doing it with, he will lie about how much he drinks, he will lie, lie, lie!!! He will say whatever he needs to to be able to drink!
The only advice I can give you is GO TO AL ANON and do whatever you need to do to keep you and your daughter safe! You have a long road ahead of you and it is a hard road.
I am so sorry for what you are going through as I understand fully! Get educated about alcoholism and realize your husband does not want to do this to himself or his family it is the alcoholism that has reared its ugly head. It is a disease and it is deadly. You are doing the right thing by not making a big deal out of it when he drinks, that is the FIRST STEP. Realizing you are powerless over his drinking.
God bless you and if you need to talk, I am here and I UNDERSTAND!
GO TO AL ANON ASAP AND KEEP GOING, IT IS CONFUSING AT FIRST, BUT IT WORKS, IT REALLY REALLY WORKS.
Let your husband manage his disease himself. Hard to to, but the best thing. Don't give him reason to direct his anger at you, let him wallow in his own anger and guilt and face it himself. If he has no where to vent his anger he has a better chance of directing it where it needs to go and that is inward. If he is forced to look at himself he may seek help.
I married my husband when he had come off 7 years of sobriety. I didn't know it when I first started dating him. I also knew NOTHING about alcoholism. He drank for approximately 9 months, then decided he wanted to get married and start a new life. He quit drinking again for five years and we started our marriage off happily.
Then he too convinced me he had his drinking under control and he could drink socially which he did successfully for two years. Then he started not coming home from work on Friday evenings, no phone call, no warning, he justs disappeared for up to 12 hours and would always show up home in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes so drunk he couldn't walk. I don't know how he got home safe. This esculated for the next four years. Until his drinking ended him up in jail with a restraining order and no where to go and no one to turn to. He was ALONE with is alcoholism. Within 10 days he checked himself into treatment and happily he has been sober for six months.
During the four years he was drinking, (I now know it was nearly everyday) he too had a lot of anger directed at me. I now know that anger was not really for me, but himself, he just directed it at me. He was internally angry with himself for what he was doing. He wanted to quit and he couldn't do it by himself. He would promise to quit, he would drink, feel guilty because he failed himself and then be angry, but he couldn't be angry with himself so he directed it at me. He never laid a hand on me but he beat me severely with his mouth. Sometimes I think mental and emotional abuse is worse than a beating.
Let me tell you what you have to look forward to if he continues to drink and he will unless he wants and seeks help. His drinking will gradually go from social to excessive. He will start looking for any excuse to drink. He will accuse you of being no fun and never wanting to have fun. (fun=drinking). He will pick fights so he has a VALID excuse to drink, you know anyone with a wife who is as big a bitch as you would drink too!! He will seek confort and understanding from other women, who like to drink and have fun and yes he will have inappropriate relationships with them and the will be your fault too, after all, you won't go party and have fun with him so he will find some low life alcoholic women to partner with. He will sneak money from the budget so he can drink or he will have end up with high bar bills to be paid ( DON'T PAY THEM, MAKE HIM DEAL WITH IT). He will LIE!!!! He will lie about his drinking, he will lie about what he is doing, he will lie about who he is doing it with, he will lie about how much he drinks, he will lie, lie, lie!!! He will say whatever he needs to to be able to drink!
The only advice I can give you is GO TO AL ANON and do whatever you need to do to keep you and your daughter safe! You have a long road ahead of you and it is a hard road.
I am so sorry for what you are going through as I understand fully! Get educated about alcoholism and realize your husband does not want to do this to himself or his family it is the alcoholism that has reared its ugly head. It is a disease and it is deadly. You are doing the right thing by not making a big deal out of it when he drinks, that is the FIRST STEP. Realizing you are powerless over his drinking.
God bless you and if you need to talk, I am here and I UNDERSTAND!
GO TO AL ANON ASAP AND KEEP GOING, IT IS CONFUSING AT FIRST, BUT IT WORKS, IT REALLY REALLY WORKS.
Let your husband manage his disease himself. Hard to to, but the best thing. Don't give him reason to direct his anger at you, let him wallow in his own anger and guilt and face it himself. If he has no where to vent his anger he has a better chance of directing it where it needs to go and that is inward. If he is forced to look at himself he may seek help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Gardengirl,
Welcome! This site and the people here have been a tremendous blessing and help to me in my situation. I agree with the group, get to an alanon meeting, because being around alcoholic behavior affect us dramatically. My prayers are with you as you start this journey.
Welcome! This site and the people here have been a tremendous blessing and help to me in my situation. I agree with the group, get to an alanon meeting, because being around alcoholic behavior affect us dramatically. My prayers are with you as you start this journey.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
To think that he's no longer an alcoholic is to think that I'm no longer a woman. Still have boobs and female genitalia but have transformed into a ............skyscraper!
Hmmmmmm.....have been gaining a little weight lately. LOL
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.
And ducks get mean when they drink.
Hmmmmmm.....have been gaining a little weight lately. LOL
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.
And ducks get mean when they drink.
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