Beautiful

My AH has started reading the Al-Anon book for For friends and family of alcoholics called Courage to Change. He brought it home for me -- he laid it unobtrusively on top of the television and just so I could just "find" it. Now HE'S reading it. I know he's struggling but won't do anything about it so I've detached from him. I take care of our children, am nice to him (who, by the way, is sick AGAIN), and live my own life without him.

Are the principles the same? Would he gain the same insight that I have? He refuses to speak about the meetings he attends and our communication as you can guess is only about when I need him to babysit the kids while I go somewhere.

Opinions?

Ann

I think that it is great he is reading it. It will help him see things from your side of the road without it being personal.

I have lots of my own recovery books and literature, but I also have an AA BigBook (which is terrific for anyone) and an NA Basic Text, also good for any of us. Those books helped me see things from my son's side of the road, helped me understand his addiction and his recovery.

I believe that understanding each other's side, learning and educating ourselves about it, can only help in any relationship and lead to more acceptance and compassion. It did for this codie.

Hugs
Ann

JessicaNAJ

I don't know what it means, but .... If this were my situation, I'd be very cautious. I found the more I detached from my AH the harder he tried to suck me back in and the more manipulative he got....The whole "look at what I'm doing" trick to make me second guess my decisions. He would tell me that he was "reading" his books, like that was supposed to mean something to me. He's already told me he's been to AA and rehab so he has all the "tools" he needed, I'm supposed to think he's going to learn more by reading....I mean, he already knows it all.

Someone once told me the more I focus on my, the harder he will try....they were right.

Be careful, it could be sincere.....but then it could be a ploy to pull his CoDe back in.

Go with your gut on this one. If he truly is "trying", you will know.

Beautiful

I am reminded that, before we were married, he was actively working his recovery and I didn't even see the signs. After we were married, the manipulation, lies, guilt, control, etc all started. I just wasn't adept enough to see it until I was caught and living in hell -- the Penthouse suite no less. Ha ha.

Each time I tried to break out of the cycle, he would do something that would snag me into "sharing the blame." For example, I worked overtime to pay for a trip to see my friend so the cash was available. While I was gone, he didn't go to work. We are self-employed so the end result was that my cash trip ended up costing the same as if I would've never earned the money. He was then "justified" at being angry at me.

So, while it would be great if he were sincere this time, my doubts are there that he is. The other half of this is that our friend who has been sober for 20 years just went back for a 90 meetings/90 days because she was afraid of relapse. I think he was jealous of her -- but not sufficiently motivated to do anything different. Sigh.

Too bad for him, I say.

drgnfly30

I'm with JessicaNAJ - AH used to attend Alanon meetings because of his family situation when younger... he tends to use the "teachings" against me..

BTW JessicaNAJ - you are a girl after my own heart!! VIGGO!
Christine

queenofthehwy

I completely agree, they will try every trick in the book, when they feel you slipping away.

Beautiful

I just came home from an outing with our children and our house was completely vaccuumed! He was up and dressed and watching a movie.....this from the man who was at death's door just hours earlier today.

I am in for a rough ride. Hope the Easter bunny brings me some extra polish for my big brass balls -- I'm going to need them.

pattyspaw

yeap, you are going to need to keep that polish close by; take great care of you;

gelfling

Hi Beautiful,

I am going to be totallllllllllllllly positive about this. Maybe he wants you to heal and recover with him. How's that for a bag of nuts???

finners crossed!!!!!

escape artist

Beautiful-that book is great! It is a book from Al-Anon. My first thought was maybe in his program they helped him see a pattern he picked up from being a child of an alcoholic- and ACOAs can go either way- either being a drunk or a codependent. Who says you can't be detached and pick up the book now and then too. I left my Hope for Today book which is an ACOA book out by his chair. Today i noticed the table where the book had been was cleaned off with all the other papers and books removed except for that one. I didn't do it. It was either him or my daughter. either way, i think of it as a GOOD sign!

Beautiful

Thanks. I have such a problem with him labeling me. He has spent our entire marriage labeling me as all of the "problems" that he brought to our marriage including stepkids (I came with no kids, who gets this?) I still have a problem accepting a codependent label -- I have codependent tendencies. It helps me keep focus but not be "sick" as he so wishes I was. To be sick with him indicates that my life is out of control -- and I am not, even after a personal inventory.

I'll read it on the sly. Even though a proponent of knowledge for knowledge sake, this is just another attempt to salt a wound that is "justified" by his sh*tty behavior.