clyde

My A quit drinking 6 weeks ago. We are separarted and I told him we could not be a family while he was still drinking. He got some meds to help him and he is doing great. So why isn't he home yet? I feel like he is holding back from me emotionally. I am really confused as to what goes on in their heads when they quit. He calls every day, we see each other at least twice a week. He will not stay for dinner but we can go out. He says (and I believe him) that he loves me. So why isn't he busting down the door to come home? I am trying to be patient and not push but it is getting old really fast. Anyone have any thoughts.

walkingtheline

I wish I could say I've experienced mine not drinking. But guessing...I'd say FEAR.

Fear of backsliding.
Fear of failure.
Fear of not being the person he wants to be.
Fear of not being the person he thinks you want him to be.
Fear that familiar places will bring on familiar habits.

He didn't become an A overnight...I suspect he realizes he can't heal overnight either.

6 weeks isn't that long when compared to a lifetime. I suggest continuing to be patient and quietly listening. Perhaps when you both become more comfortable with his sobriety you can attempt some counseling together.

My best to you that this is just the first step to a lifetime of good.

osier59

Clyde,

You didn't mention if he's going to AA meetings or not, or if he's working a program. If he IS, this is pretty normal. If he is dedicated to his recovery, he will put almost 100% of his time into it. For awhile it will and should be his primary focus. As they work a program, they develop a new circle of friends, new habits, new ways of lving.

Have you tried Al Anon meetings? They will help you to keep the focus on you, and also you'll hear from others how this affects their lives, their marriages, their sanity!

It sounds to me like you are a strong woman. You set a boundary and enforced it. He may be proving to himself that he can do this before he upsets the family balance again.

Good luck. Let us know how things go!

Hugs and love
Barb

clyde

He is not in AA. He is doing this solo. I think both of ya'll are right about the being afraid of the the man I want him to be. Plus he has never been sober our entire marriage so we do not know how to relate to each other. Thanks for bringing those things to my attention. I am just getting really antsy to getting my life back together. I am strong but even I need help once in a while.

You know I wish I would have read this before I sent the counsler a nasty e-mail about me, me, me...