ALONE WITH FIVE

I am new to this forum and I just want to share. I lost my husband on December 19th, he left home angry, drank, and did not come home. We have five children and the last four years have been a constant battle over the bottle. My heart is broken though I am cognizant and functioning on a successful level....something I could never imagine had I been able to look forward to a life without him, my best friend. My children, ages 9, 10, 12, 15 and 17 are remarkable, each one of them inspiring me with their strengths...and weaknesses. I miss my husband so much. I cannot see "ME" past today, and when I look at tomorrow or beyond it is only in relationship to my children and their schedules of sports, music, youth groups, school functions....quite a calendar. My own future appears to have left that night with my husband and smashed into that rock wall as well. He had everything to do with everything I plan to be and do in my tomorrows. I feel like I am living in a secret bubble, that no one knows the hurt I keep contained as I do not let it out. My hurt is a monster, I hate it, and I don't want to see it or feel it. It has only been a few weeks and I am seen as "amazing" to all who know and love me. They don't know about my monster. As far as my feelings about my husbands alcoholism, there is no anger. He did not want to be an alcholic, no one chooses this disease. I feel sad for him. I am not angry at God. There is really no anger. I am not an angry or blaming person. I am strong in my faith, just so utterly human in my pain. Thank you for the opportunity to cry, I just don't allow myself that luxury. I know it's wrong, I know the "grieving rules". I would rather hear that I am not crazy for holding it in and have others tell me they understand.

equus

I wish I knew what to say but I haven't a clue. Your love for him seeps out of every word in your post, I hope with all my heart at some time that love and it's memories brings you the pleasure it should.

I really wish I could think of anything that makes real sense to say.

minnie

(((alone)))

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I am sad that this tragic event brings you to this site.

I believe that there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief - it is intensely personal. All I would say is that if things become unmanageable, please reach out to someone who can help. A friend, a clergyman, a professional.

I don't know if you have noticed that there is a Grief and Loss board further down this forum. I am certain that there are others who have been in a similar situation.

Take care - and come back and let it out on here if you need to. That's what we're here for.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Soul Catcher

I sometimes wonder what I will say in my grieving post. I can imagine the hurt from losing the "what could have been" person. Drinking takes anyone it can I know you know that. I'm not sure if my future post will be as heart felt as yours. You have a very strong heart and it shows. I sit and ponder.....Is today the day he will get in a wreck? Will he wake up today? Sad isn't it. My children are 4,3,3. Even though my ah is alive I feel sad for my children which I'm sure you do for yours. They are the innocent ones. I am very sorry for your loss. I wish you a bright and happy future...also for your children. My prayers are with you at this time. God Bless.

Gabe

(((Alone)))
I am so sorry for your loss.
I agree with Minnie, there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief.
We just do the best we can.
I'm glad you found us.
I hope you will feel free to come here and share whenever it helps.
More hugs,
Gabe

wraybear

My heart is with you so much right now.

I agree with a poster above, no one can tell you how to, when to, what to grieve... it is in your own time. I will pray God will help you and your children through this tragedy. My AH was in an almost tragic accident three years ago with our children in the car with him. He was on a ventilator for 4 weeks and in the hospital for 2 1/2 months. Didn't think he was going to make it those first few days. Fortunately the kids are okay now. I can't imagine what you are going through... but I know God is with you and your children. Blessings to you and those kiddos!

DefofLov

((((Big Hugs))))

Just wanted to welcome you to the board and send you a cyber hug. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I wish you the best.

~Def

splendra

I too am sorry for your loss and hope you will come here to release that monster because we do understand.....

MysticCat

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children at this time of need. May your pain ease with time.

Blessings,
MysticCat

FormerDoormat

Hi Alone:

Each of us grieves in our unique way. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. And each of us faces and then releases the monster when we're ready. Some people grieve openly, others find that difficult so they hold their feelings inside and internalize their grief.

You're in the early stages of grief, so you're probably still in the denial phase. I know that's how I felt when my 22-year-old brother was struck and killed by lightning. It all seemed so unreal that I found it difficult to believe. It took me much longer than my other siblings to accept that he was gone and to begin the grieving process. Even then, I could only deal with the feelings of loss in very small doses. It was much too painful for me to try and face the loss all at once. So, I'd only allow myself to feel the pain for brief moments and then I'd do my best to completely wipe the event from my mind.

I find it's even more difficult to lose someone you love when you didn't get a chance to say goodbye. At first, I wished that I had been able to tell my brother that I loved him, since I wasn't sure he knew. But over time, I realized that it wasn't necessary for me to tell him I loved him. He knew it all along. That's because actions speak louder than words.

The grieving process takes time and you will run a gamut of emotions before you finally reach acceptance. I know you feel alone now, but you're not. Your higher power is walking alongside you. So are your children and your friends at SoberRecovery.

maggie1958

I wish you and your children all the peace and happiness anyone could find. I know it will be a loss you will always feel. Yes it is a sad diease...I am just starting to learn about it..and try to deal with it myself. Such a shame what it does to these people we love so much. Let out your pain some...even a little might make you feel better..the world will understand..we all grieve with you on your loss. This is a wonderful family here I have found. I hope you find the comfort in it I am finding. I will say a prayer for each and everyone here...with a very special prayer for you and your family. I know they say God does not give us more than we can bear...sometime I wonder and I'm sure you do too. Hugs and a shoulder to cry on anytime you need here.

newbeginings

I wish I had some sort of magic words to help in some way. I don't. But my heart goes out to you in your pain. I can't imagine what you and your children are going through. I pray your higher power shows you the way. Take care.

best

Sorry to hear of your families loss. Just for the record...Your not crazy.
Grief is something we all go through differently.
There is no text book that says we should do it this way or that.
You will have many questions you ask of yourself over time.
If you want to share them, you know you have many here who will listen and maybe just as many with sound answers.

That same faith you hold and the same God you speak of will see you through each and every day.
...Faith as small as a mustard seed is all it takes... and a God that is beyond measure will see us all through every day.

divadawn

(((((Alone)))))
it is amazing where one can find the strength to continue on when life deals us an unimaginable hand. We do get through it and i hope that you do find some ease of your pain here.

I wish the best for you and your family. ((((kids)))) (((alone)))

bluester

I am soooo sorry to hear of the passing of your husband...hun. My heart goes out to you and your family. Death of a loved one is one of the hardest rocks we will ever climb over in life and pray that God give you the strength you need to get on with your life. My deepest most heartfelt sympathy to you. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. I know that there are few words that can comfort the grieving heart. It's okay to cry, just remember to keep the happy times in your heart and your loved one will always be there. There is a saying: Keep those you love in your heart, and you never lose the one you love. And I so believe that is true.

gelfling

I think you took a wonderful first step by coming here and airing your grief and pain. It's a great start. There's no need for you to be a super mom. You're human and your kids are old enough to notice that you've not taken the time to mourn your loss and their loss.

Share in their pain. Let them know of your emptiness...of loving and missing him. Seek help for yourself. You can't help others unless you're well.

Prayers and blessings are sent for strength and courage in the coming days.

Blessings

cwohio

(((aloine))) - prayers to you and your children. it's wonderful you have your faith and don't harbor anger. as for grief - as lots before me have said - we all have our own way to deal with it. i tend to internalize my feelings and i have to tell you - it doesn't make me feel any better! i pray there will be a point where you can release and let go. we are glad you were able to share your loss with us - i think that is part of your grieving process. hugs - chris

Cap3

So very sorry to hear of your loss.My prayers for you and your family.